DeputyJess Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I really do love my husband. I actually daydream about him a lot of days. Just what he's doing or imagine him laughing. I'm a SAHM with a beautiful 6 mo old daughter. This is my first marriage, his second. I have an 11 year old stepson. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5. We have had our ups and downs and even sought couples counseling 2 years ago. I feel like an idiot because I cannot pinpoint why I feel the way I do. He will tell me that he loves me and I don't believe him anymore. He does anything he can to have something better to do than to spend time with me. I don't ever hear positive reinforcement from him, generally only what I do wrong or he makes fun of me in a "joking" way. He never says goodnight to me or asks how my day was. His biggest complaint about me was that we didn't have sex enough, so after I was good to go after childbirth, I did everything he wanted and I never said no. I thought this would bring us closer and he's as distant as ever. I'm so lonely and depressed. It's not an awful marriage but I feel like I'm losing myself. Lately, I've found myself looking at forums and advice columns like this one. I just don't know what to do. Do I risk leaving or just tough it out? I weigh the pros and cons and get nowhere. We can't afford counseling now that I have no income. I'm at a total loss. What do you do when the love of your life doesn't love you back?
Yasuandio Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Here's what you might do. Start working on yourself. What interests you? What type of career might you like to have? Do you want to continue to be a stay at home mom? Are you ready to open your wings? Sign up for a degree program perhaps? Broadening your life prosepect's is going to make you much more attractive to your husband, and will help your self esteme tremendously. Does this sound like something for you? Yas
KatZee Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Have you ever actually communicated any of this to him??? Saying he loves you and acting like he loves you are two different things. Obviously he's not giving you love in the way you need it, so why not tell him? Plan date nights? Tell him he makes you feel bad when he only points out the negative things.
crazykat73 Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Not to take away from your post, but wanted to explain my situation first then offer you my opinion. Unfortunately, I was in the same position. Loved my husband so much, always gave him a lot of attention, more than he gave back to me. I was always the deeper one and I knew this when I married him, but as I got older, this became an issue in our marriage. I rarely got positive reinforcement, just more like friendship. This was fine when we were in our 20's but as I approach 40, I've become more sentimental or maybe I've just grown up and changed. I need more. I always initiated the "I love you" and if he got me a birthday card or anniversary card, it always said the same thing "I love you Always, xoxo" - but nothing more...nothing in detail verbally or written. I always took the time to write him love letters, long cards..etc. I craved for more attention and the same nurturing I gave him. And the sad part is, I know he loves/loved me so much, but didn't know how to love me the way that I needed. It's not that he didn't want to, it's just not him. He is happy go lucky, carefree and rides on the surface - but always happy and in a good mood, just not deep. We also had a lot of separate hobbies and soon, separate friends, and then we started growing apart. I became good friends with a workout friend of mine who was on my level - nurturing, good listener, loving...sentimental and a big romantic, just like me. I feel so fulfilled and accidentally fell in love because I was seriously craving and lacking this at home. It breaks my heart as I would have wanted this from my husband, not someone else. Now, 2 years later, I'm separated and am living on my own in a condo (we remain very good friends), but I've been with this other person for 2 years now. Contemplating moving forward w/divorce. It still breaks my heart.... I hate to say it, but I created my own hobbies and worked on myself, but my heart still longed for love and eventually you might fall open to this kind of thing too. Be upfront w/your husband (as I was, but didn't work) and see what can be done. My husband just didn't have it in him. He can't give me more than he has without changing himself and personality and that's not fair to him. If only I didn't need more, I could still be with him, but EMPTY. That's exactly how I felt....EMPTY in a decent relationship. Good luck....
Author DeputyJess Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I have told him all if this. We've talked about it on our own, I've written him (just so I didn't miss anything) and we've talked about these very issues in counseling. I try to bring things up as they happen so they don't linger. He kind of has a way of turning it back on me, so pretty soon, I'm in trouble for my feelings being hurt. I have hobbies and do some freelance work so I'm not sure getting more involved in that more would help out relationship. Krazycat kinda nailed it. He's never been open or romantic at all. Not even on our wedding night or even the night we got engaged. He proposed while we were having sex so I couldn't even tell my parents and friends how it really happened. He spends large amounts of money without telling me. It's more of being left out of the decision making process than the dollars, FYI. He's got priorities, I'm just not one of them. He's not a bad person. I'll send him sweet text messages telling him he's smart and handsome and what a great dad he is and how much I love him and the reply is usually just, "thanks." No I love yous or anything like that.
Jethro Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 What do you do when the love of your life doesn't love you back? You move on. As soon as possible. Please believe me when I say that you will seriously regret not taking action right away. I sure wish I had a time machine.
GuyInLimbo Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I have told him all if this. We've talked about it on our own, I've written him (just so I didn't miss anything) and we've talked about these very issues in counseling. I try to bring things up as they happen so they don't linger. He kind of has a way of turning it back on me, so pretty soon, I'm in trouble for my feelings being hurt. I have hobbies and do some freelance work so I'm not sure getting more involved in that more would help out relationship. Krazycat kinda nailed it. He's never been open or romantic at all. Not even on our wedding night or even the night we got engaged. He proposed while we were having sex so I couldn't even tell my parents and friends how it really happened. He spends large amounts of money without telling me. It's more of being left out of the decision making process than the dollars, FYI. He's got priorities, I'm just not one of them. He's not a bad person. I'll send him sweet text messages telling him he's smart and handsome and what a great dad he is and how much I love him and the reply is usually just, "thanks." No I love yous or anything like that. OK, never, ever heard of a proposal while having sex. That's just... odd... Speaking as someone who has really no feelings towards my wife and feel like she's never really showed ANY true passion or desire for me, I also suggest you move on. I don't see how that ever gets fixed. It's just the way the person is. And, honestly, if he's only able to reply "thanks" to romantic messages like that, he's either completely emotionally shut down, not in love with you and/or is seeing someone else. You already said he's never been romantic or loving toward you. Other than your love for him and blind hope, what makes you think he can/will ever change? People need to have passion for each other. It doesn't have to be "INEEDTO****YOURIGHTNOWANDHERE!" But there has to be intimacy, there has to be gestures of love, touching, smiling, laughing, playing, flirting, whatever, IMO, to survive. Without that, you're dead inside. And that's no way to live.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 He will tell me that he loves me and I don't believe him anymore. He does anything he can to have something better to do than to spend time with me. I don't ever hear positive reinforcement from him, generally only what I do wrong or he makes fun of me in a "joking" way. He never says goodnight to me or asks how my day was. His biggest complaint about me was that we didn't have sex enough, so after I was good to go after childbirth, I did everything he wanted and I never said no. I thought this would bring us closer and he's as distant as ever. You start by telling him the above. That you need and want to talk to him about your days...HIS AND YOURS. You tell him that you're more than just sex toy for him at night, that he needs to hug, kiss and cuddle you, say goodnight and be kind. Tell him that you feel lonely, shut out of his life and you're unhappy, that you two need to spend more time together as husband and wife, rather than just mom and dad, going through the daily routine of life. Tell him you're concerned that if things don't change, you'll grow apart even more and either end up divorcing or he'll cheat on you with another woman. I bring up the cheating thing, because I assume it's crossed your mind?
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I have told him all if this. We've talked about it on our own, I've written him (just so I didn't miss anything) and we've talked about these very issues in counseling. I try to bring things up as they happen so they don't linger. He kind of has a way of turning it back on me, so pretty soon, I'm in trouble for my feelings being hurt. I have hobbies and do some freelance work so I'm not sure getting more involved in that more would help out relationship. Krazycat kinda nailed it. He's never been open or romantic at all. Not even on our wedding night or even the night we got engaged. He proposed while we were having sex so I couldn't even tell my parents and friends how it really happened. He spends large amounts of money without telling me. It's more of being left out of the decision making process than the dollars, FYI. He's got priorities, I'm just not one of them. He's not a bad person. I'll send him sweet text messages telling him he's smart and handsome and what a great dad he is and how much I love him and the reply is usually just, "thanks." No I love yous or anything like that. Oops, Okay I see that you've tried to talk to him and it seems to be falling on deaf ears. He needs to shi,t or get off the pot. Treat you with love, respect and BE a good husband to you, or you two are going to end up in divorce-land. For the sake of your beautiful daughter, he needs to step up and CARE more, love more and BE there more. If he cannot do that, then maybe it's time to separate. The money thing? Not good. What does he spend money on so much? He also sounds passive agressive which isn't a good quality to have. He blames you for everything and he can do no wrong..Right? blah!
aMguilts Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 OK, never, ever heard of a proposal while having sex. That's just... odd... Speaking as someone who has really no feelings towards my wife and feel like she's never really showed ANY true passion or desire for me, I also suggest you move on. I don't see how that ever gets fixed. It's just the way the person is. And, honestly, if he's only able to reply "thanks" to romantic messages like that, he's either completely emotionally shut down, not in love with you and/or is seeing someone else. . hi. in bold ...why is that odd? How much `closer` can you be with someone? Sex is the most inimate state you can be in with someone??? Sex with someone you love is the most out the world experience that anyone, well, can experience?? Anyone on here disagrees, well you aren`t in love or you`re not doing it right!! Relationships are changing. Women are a lot stronger now, they want to be listened too, and be heard ,and they wont put up with any faeces from any guy, no way!! As a result? Men are becoming too wimpy,needy,clingy and will suck up to anything a women says. The irony? Neither wins. aM
aMguilts Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Here's what you might do. Start working on yourself. What interests you? What type of career might you like to have? Do you want to continue to be a stay at home mom? Are you ready to open your wings? Sign up for a degree program perhaps? Broadening your life prosepect's is going to make you much more attractive to your husband, and will help your self esteme tremendously. Does this sound like something for you? Yas This is as close to the real answer i`d give to. Find yourself 1st, know yourself, be HAPPY with yourself. Because unless you know what you want and who you really are, you can never make anyone else happy a happy aM
aMguilts Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Oops, Okay I see that you've tried to talk to him and it seems to be falling on deaf ears. He needs to shi,t or get off the pot. Treat you with love, respect and BE a good husband to you, or you two are going to end up in divorce-land. For the sake of your beautiful daughter, he needs to step up and CARE more, love more and BE there more. If he cannot do that, then maybe it's time to separate. The money thing? Not good. What does he spend money on so much? He also sounds passive agressive which isn't a good quality to have. He blames you for everything and he can do no wrong..Right? blah! whichwayisup... yeah you are right. in my eyes. Passive aggression NEVER works thou aM
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