When your SO has doubts-would you leave?

[City_Lover]

I had been single for years before I met my boyfriend (we're in our 30s) about 3 months ago & up until last week I thought things were great-we laugh, get along, have a fantastic sex life, have shared values & compatible goals. When he first pursued me, I was concerned that he was only a few weeks out of a relationship, but he assured me was over the relationship. We liked each other immediately and began spending lots of time together.

 

Last week he sat me down, listed a litany of my fantastic qualities, said he was happy when we're together & misses me when we're apart, & told me that he is very attracted to me...but:

 

He feels emotionally detached.

 

He is still adamant that he has no desire to be with his ex, who he describes as 'crazy', but explained that the end of their relationship was the first time his heart was really broken. He's worried that he was 'damaged' & his ability to connect with anyone is now 'limited'. He reiterated all of the things he likes about me, then said that he really *wants* to, but doesn't feel as crazy about/into me as he feels like he should, like he has in past relationships. He turns out to be a fast mover & expected to be in love with me by this point (which seems premature to me). He doesn't feel that way & said I deserve better.

 

It hurt like hell, & I told him that yes, everyone deserves to be with someone who is crazy about them, & promptly declared that we should breakup. I told him I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He was very hurt & upset & even surprised that I wanted to end things. He told me he wants to stay together, & that he is committed to me & only me.

 

I offered that we could just be protracting what is sure to be future heartache. I tried to logically reason it out with him: that separating now would be easier than later, but he reiterated that he didn't want to break up, that he likes me, that I make him happy. I told him we should try to take a step back, & he doesn't want to do that either.

 

I always end relationships at signs of trouble like this, but couldn't bring myself to walk away from this one. I (finally) felt so very happy and secure, but now I'm in this terrible space of feeling insecure, & less trusting, & less valued in this relationship. I am confused & hurt. Embarrassed. Unhappy with any path I can take. I think we're both good people that deserve happiness. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I'd love to get some outside perspective from the folks around here. Thanks for reading.

[QdB]

I had been single for years before I met my boyfriend (we're in our 30s) about 3 months ago & up until last week I thought things were great-we laugh, get along, have a fantastic sex life, have shared values & compatible goals. When he first pursued me, I was concerned that he was only a few weeks out of a relationship, but he assured me was over the relationship. We liked each other immediately and began spending lots of time together.

 

Last week he sat me down, listed a litany of my fantastic qualities, said he was happy when we're together & misses me when we're apart, & told me that he is very attracted to me...but:

 

He feels emotionally detached.

 

He is still adamant that he has no desire to be with his ex, who he describes as 'crazy', but explained that the end of their relationship was the first time his heart was really broken. He's worried that he was 'damaged' & his ability to connect with anyone is now 'limited'. He reiterated all of the things he likes about me, then said that he really *wants* to, but doesn't feel as crazy about/into me as he feels like he should, like he has in past relationships. He turns out to be a fast mover & expected to be in love with me by this point (which seems premature to me). He doesn't feel that way & said I deserve better.

 

It hurt like hell, & I told him that yes, everyone deserves to be with someone who is crazy about them, & promptly declared that we should breakup. I told him I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He was very hurt & upset & even surprised that I wanted to end things. He told me he wants to stay together, & that he is committed to me & only me.

 

I offered that we could just be protracting what is sure to be future heartache. I tried to logically reason it out with him: that separating now would be easier than later, but he reiterated that he didn't want to break up, that he likes me, that I make him happy. I told him we should try to take a step back, & he doesn't want to do that either.

 

I always end relationships at signs of trouble like this, but couldn't bring myself to walk away from this one. I (finally) felt so very happy and secure, but now I'm in this terrible space of feeling insecure, & less trusting, & less valued in this relationship. I am confused & hurt. Embarrassed. Unhappy with any path I can take. I think we're both good people that deserve happiness. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I'd love to get some outside perspective from the folks around here. Thanks for reading.

 

You should tell he needs to take time to himself and sort out how he really feels about you...and his ex. He seeks a little different from most guys who, like myself, take a good long while to fall in love with someone. I've been in love once and it took me well over a year to feel so strongly. Point being is when that relationship with a woman you loved ends its very difficult to move passed. MAKE him take time for himself to really and truly figure out what he wants. To give you an example of what it's like for a man being hurt by a BU: I'm not open to having any emotional feelings for anyway right now...and u don't know if ill ever be open to it again let alone be capable of it. But your guy sounds very different from me so let him sort it out

[mammasita]

WOW, I probably could have written this myself. I've heard much of the same from my boyfriend.

 

We have been together almost 2 years. Moved in together after 2 months. He was laid off due to lack of work and started to feel useless and depressed. Anyway, about a month ago, I heard everything that you have said here, I was completely blindsided. In my situation, he moved out with the intent of breaking everything off......BUT he decided that he didn't want to walk away but just take a step back (as you mentioned also). We now live apart and see eachother on weekends and maybe once during the week. I love him and am willing to give him space to "find himself".

 

Is your BF going through personal or professional issues right now? What has changed?

 

I say all that to say this: I know how you feel right now. The smart thing would be to walk away and find someone who loves you and is crazy about you. Dont let his words change your mind. I also feel like 3 months is not a long time but you should still be in the infatuation, intense stage. If he's not there anymore, thats a sign something is wrong.

[FitChick]

Tell your BF he has a choice of having couples counseling with you or taking a break and getting some sort of therapy on his own. He hasn't healed from his past relationship.

[City_Lover]

I really appreciate all the input/commiserating. My gut tells me time and space is what's called for, even as every other part of me wants things to be as they were.

 

Nothing has really changed: no personal or professional issues. He has always told me everything he's thinking, without filter. He wondered after he told me if it was even necessary, considering he was uncertain if his doubts were founded and didn't want things to change between us.

 

He sees a counselor currently, and I have in the past. I know he's brought these feelings up with his doc, who seems to think they're normal.

[City_Lover]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Your words helped me greatly last night. It's over.

 

Since Friday, my feelings of insecurity and unhappiness have only worsened. So last night, the night we're usually together, when he started making veiled references to 'things on his mind that he should probably keep quiet about, so he didn't do anything stupid' I knew his doubts had returned.

 

I wasn't interested in delaying the inevitable, so after I inquired as to what he meant, he listed all of the qualities that he liked about me, and said that what we have is special and he didn't think he would find anybody else as wonderful as me for a long time, (and God do I want to believe that was all true) but that he still feels he foolishly rushed into dating too quickly after his breakup and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I ignored my desires to plead and beg, and instead told him that I understood, and that things between us felt wrong for me now too.

 

He wanted to keep talking and seeing each other, but I've never been much for demotions in relationships, so I told him to just ship me my things and wished him happiness. He told me that I'm a wonderful person, and that he wished he was able to fall madly in love with me, because that's what I deserve. That was our last communication.

 

It feels hollow, but I repeat to myself that I've got to get through pain now to save me devastation later. In him, I thought I had found a partner with every quality that I was looking for. Now those hopes are gone, and I feel very sad, empty, and can't stop remembering all the great times that we shared. I also feel angry, misled, indignant, and resentful. I'm trying to let go of the emotions on both ends of the spectrum.

 

No Contact: Day One.

Edited November 15, 2012 by City_Lover

[FitChick]

If you are everything he is looking for in a woman, he will have a big problem finding a duplicate, given what most of us know about the dating world.

[serial muse]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Your words helped me greatly last night. It's over.

 

Since Friday, my feelings of insecurity and unhappiness have only worsened. So last night, the night we're usually together, when he started making veiled references to 'things on his mind that he should probably keep quiet about, so he didn't do anything stupid' I knew his doubts had returned.

 

I wasn't interested in delaying the inevitable, so after I inquired as to what he meant, he listed all of the qualities that he liked about me, and said that what we have is special and he didn't think he would find anybody else as wonderful as me for a long time, (and God do I want to believe that was all true) but that he still feels he foolishly rushed into dating too quickly after his breakup and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I ignored my desires to plead and beg, and instead told him that I understood, and that things between us felt wrong for me now too.

 

He wanted to keep talking and seeing each other, but I've never been much for demotions in relationships, so I told him to just ship me my things and wished him happiness. He told me that I'm a wonderful person, and that he wished he was able to fall madly in love with me, because that's what I deserve. That was our last communication.

 

It feels hollow, but I repeat to myself that I've got to get through pain now to save me devastation later. In him, I thought I had found a partner with every quality that I was looking for. Now those hopes are gone, and I feel very sad, empty, and can't stop remembering all the great times that we shared. I also feel angry, misled, indignant, and resentful. I'm trying to let go of the emotions on both ends of the spectrum.

 

No Contact: Day One.

 

Wow. I really admire your strength, City. I think you did what was right for yourself, although I'm sure you're doubting it from time to time.

 

Reading your OP, I found myself wondering: Why would he say this stuff to you in the first place, if he wanted to keep dating? I mean, seriously, what would anyone think would be the outcome of that? That you'd be like, "OK, cool, thanks for letting me know?"

 

And then...why would he make those veiled references to things he "shouldn't be feeling" and "doesn't want to say"...again?

 

That's a push-pull dynamic, and it sucks. I'm not saying he shouldn't be honest with you, but I don't see the usefulness of saying to someone, "I'm not that into you, but I'd like to keep dating you anyway. You OK with that?" Ugh.

 

Perhaps he is just emotionally distant due to his last relationship. Or perhaps he's just kind of clueless. Or perhaps he's a little...mean/selfish? I don't want to fan the flames of your anger - I know you're riding the rollercoaster right now - but I guess I just wanted to say that this struck me as off. You were only three months in, so still had a lot to learn about each other...and this is a pretty valuable thing to learn about another person.

 

Edited to add: And BRAVO for not settling for the "let's keep talking" thing. Triple ugh.

Edited November 15, 2012 by serial muse

[Janesays]

You did the right thing, City. Maybe spending some time without you will let him sort out his feelings and he'll realize what a fool he's been and come running back. Or maybe he's gone for good. Either way, you behaved with self respect and honor and you should be proud of that. I have no doubt that something better will come along for you (whether it's a FULL commitment from him or from someone even better) shortly.

[spiderowl]

One asks why he told you this. It does sound like a warning, which is how you took it.

 

He has told you this but doesn't want you to break up. It sounds like he isn't feeling that spark, but he knows you are a great girl and great catch.

 

What would I do? After a previous painful experience of a guy wanting to think about whether it was right for him, I realised that in that case it was the start of a separation. I waited for his conclusion. Now, I would never do that. If a guy expressed doubts, I would leave. I would take back control and not allow anyone to leave me hanging like that again.

 

I do wonder whether sometimes people who are not feeling dramatic 'in love' feelings, provoke a situation where they find their deep feelings. If a woman in your situation did walk out, how would he feel? Probably shocked. He'd have to re-evaluate everything. He'd realise he didn't have you on a string and that if he was to recover you, he'd have to work for it. You would either become an important goal for him or he would abandon the relationship because he didn't feel enough in it anyway. That's a gamble of course. I can't speak for you as it's your relationship and you may handle it entirely differently. If it was mine, I'd walk. I couldn't bear the uncertainty of it and won't let a guy have this sort of power again.

 

I wish you good luck whatever, and I know how painful this is. I do feel for you.

 

Edit, read your recent post (sorry I didn't do that earlier). I think you've done the right thing. I know how it hurts too. He'll have to rethink things now but hopefully you can move on when you get over this and find someone who falls in love.

Edited November 16, 2012 by spiderowl

[dasein]

When they say "you deserve better" they are always right, and take them at their word. The response to try for is to smile, not be angry, and then tell them to let you know if they every figure things out, then start cultivating other options while remaining NC other than them telling you in a demonstrative way that something has changed in their thinking and why. Other than demonstrative statements, it's all noise. Don't keep sleeping with him, dating etc. in the interim.

 

The recent relationship puts you in the rebound role, and I've never had those turn out well. So moving on is best. If you do it without rancor, there could be something down the road. Good luck.

[ja123]

I really admire the way that you are able to identify and express all of your feelings, City. That is so important if one is to make one's way out of the fog.

 

As hard as it is, I would have made the same choice.

 

You do deserve better treatment.

 

In time, maybe he'll get himself figured out and do the grieivng that he needs to do so that his heart can be truly open again, but that's not something one can bank on or wait around for.

 

NC is good, though I expect he'll try to contact you. What are your plans, if he does?

Edited November 16, 2012 by ja123

[City_Lover]

I am also confused about how he thought he could say these things and we could stay together. I can only surmise, from what I know about his exes, that he is unused to not getting his way. I think he has dated women that stay with him at all costs (except for the last one, maybe). It's a real effort not to turn the 'why' of all of this over and over in my head obsessively, as a replacement for the habit of 'him'.

 

Yesterday was the first time in months we didn't talk, and as I drifted off to sleep early I saw I had a message from him. When I awoke, he had sent several more, well into the night:

 

•It's weird not talking to you. Is this how you want it to be?

•I wish I had met you earlier, and I had fallen for you instead of her.

•I'll send your things tomorrow, they should be there by Tuesday.

•With the stipulation that you spend some of it on yourself (?)

•I'd love to know your favorite flower and color.

 

I responded:

 

"Thanks for taking care of that stuff. It's weird for me too, and not at all how I want it to be, but sadly I think it's how it has to be. I wish that, too. I'm assuming the 'spend' message went to the wrong recipient. Tulips, and blue."

 

And he replied:

 

"No problem. I couldn't agree more. Thanks"

 

I have no idea what 30% of what he was talking about was in reference to (flowers? spending? what couldn't he agree more with?), but have and will resist the urge to ask him to expand. Sadly, the cold hard reality is that I already have all of the information I need to know.

 

I do not plan on responding further. That brief interaction helped crystallize for me how important NC is going to be, because being given that attention and hope (that we have a chance, that I'll get flowers, that his feelings will change) just rips me apart. There were no grand declarations and nothing demonstrative in his messages. I think his messages are what is referred to around here as 'crumbs'. And after that shred of hope, the brevity of his response this morning was like a punch to my stomach, and definitely set my healing back.

 

I thank the universe for all of your kind words and advice. I will be printing this thread off today and carrying it in my pocket. I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your support, which is a major source of strength for me. I will probably reread it an alarming number of times to help get through today without reaching out to him.

 

Back to NC: Day One

[maybealone]

Count me in as one of the people who admire how you handled yourself.

 

I know this will do little to help you feel better now, but try to remember that he did you a huge favor. So many men would rather be in an adequate relationship than no relationship at all, but this one didn't string you along for a year or two before admitting it just wasn't right for him.

 

I know a lot of people here think that falling madly in love is something for the movies, but when you have friends married over 25 years whose faces still light up at the sight of their spouses, you know it's real life too. I hope your new-found freedom will allow you to find someone who will be a great guy and who will also fall madly in love with you.

[lovebug1234]

I would drop him, mainly because I don't want to be ANYONE's second choice.

[City_Lover]

How I'm handling myself here is all I have left of this relationship, and it is so encouraging to know that unbiased perfect strangers think I did okay. I have been struggling with doubts about what path to take the entire time and the reaffirmation has been more helpful than words can express.

 

I am feeling a bit resentful that I will spend time today puzzling over the meaning of his messages, over the vague references and non sequiturs (that I pretended I thought weren't meant for me), and if they were the a clue of some kind.

 

I think he really is a good person, and truly do want him to be happy. Years ago, I was in a relationship for 5 years only to find out that he 'loved me but had fallen out of love.' This is my first really meaningful relationship since then, and that he told me all of this early, was a painful but ultimately kind thing to do for me. He had often mentioned lofty possibilities of a life and children together, and had he kept these doubts to himself I shudder to consider how entrenched we could have become before these doubts overtook him.

[River Rain]

My ex told me the same thing. He felt like he couldn't give me his all because he was so hurt in the past...we've ALL been hurt in the past, but he brought that into our relationship. At the time I stayed, hoping he would overcome this hurdle, but of course it ended.

 

Next time around, if a guy says that to me, I'll break up with him because despite my hurt feelings from past ex's, I go into new situations as though I've never been hurt. Not fair to do that to someone to be honest.

 

Hope you're doing okay.

[serial muse]

I am also confused about how he thought he could say these things and we could stay together. I can only surmise, from what I know about his exes, that he is unused to not getting his way. I think he has dated women that stay with him at all costs (except for the last one, maybe). It's a real effort not to turn the 'why' of all of this over and over in my head obsessively, as a replacement for the habit of 'him'.

 

Yesterday was the first time in months we didn't talk, and as I drifted off to sleep early I saw I had a message from him. When I awoke, he had sent several more, well into the night:

 

•It's weird not talking to you. Is this how you want it to be?

•I wish I had met you earlier, and I had fallen for you instead of her.

•I'll send your things tomorrow, they should be there by Tuesday.

•With the stipulation that you spend some of it on yourself (?)

•I'd love to know your favorite flower and color.

 

I responded:

 

"Thanks for taking care of that stuff. It's weird for me too, and not at all how I want it to be, but sadly I think it's how it has to be. I wish that, too. I'm assuming the 'spend' message went to the wrong recipient. Tulips, and blue."

 

And he replied:

 

"No problem. I couldn't agree more. Thanks"

 

I have no idea what 30% of what he was talking about was in reference to (flowers? spending? what couldn't he agree more with?), but have and will resist the urge to ask him to expand. Sadly, the cold hard reality is that I already have all of the information I need to know.

 

I do not plan on responding further. That brief interaction helped crystallize for me how important NC is going to be, because being given that attention and hope (that we have a chance, that I'll get flowers, that his feelings will change) just rips me apart. There were no grand declarations and nothing demonstrative in his messages. I think his messages are what is referred to around here as 'crumbs'. And after that shred of hope, the brevity of his response this morning was like a punch to my stomach, and definitely set my healing back.

 

I thank the universe for all of your kind words and advice. I will be printing this thread off today and carrying it in my pocket. I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your support, which is a major source of strength for me. I will probably reread it an alarming number of times to help get through today without reaching out to him.

 

Back to NC: Day One

 

Yes, crumbs indeed. Not that you don't deserve them (you do!!), but I really hope he doesn't send you flowers - he should stop throwing out this confusing stuff; receiving flowers would be just another reset. I'm sure he's not trying to be a jerk, but it's not kind and really more for himself than for you.

[Janesays]

If he sends flowers, send them back with a small, polite 'no thank you.'

[olivec]

I had been single for years before I met my boyfriend (we're in our 30s) about 3 months ago & up until last week I thought things were great-we laugh, get along, have a fantastic sex life, have shared values & compatible goals. When he first pursued me, I was concerned that he was only a few weeks out of a relationship, but he assured me was over the relationship. We liked each other immediately and began spending lots of time together.

 

Last week he sat me down, listed a litany of my fantastic qualities, said he was happy when we're together & misses me when we're apart, & told me that he is very attracted to me...but:

 

He feels emotionally detached.

 

He is still adamant that he has no desire to be with his ex, who he describes as 'crazy', but explained that the end of their relationship was the first time his heart was really broken. He's worried that he was 'damaged' & his ability to connect with anyone is now 'limited'. He reiterated all of the things he likes about me, then said that he really *wants* to, but doesn't feel as crazy about/into me as he feels like he should, like he has in past relationships. He turns out to be a fast mover & expected to be in love with me by this point (which seems premature to me). He doesn't feel that way & said I deserve better.

 

It hurt like hell, & I told him that yes, everyone deserves to be with someone who is crazy about them, & promptly declared that we should breakup. I told him I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He was very hurt & upset & even surprised that I wanted to end things. He told me he wants to stay together, & that he is committed to me & only me.

 

I offered that we could just be protracting what is sure to be future heartache. I tried to logically reason it out with him: that separating now would be easier than later, but he reiterated that he didn't want to break up, that he likes me, that I make him happy. I told him we should try to take a step back, & he doesn't want to do that either.

 

I always end relationships at signs of trouble like this, but couldn't bring myself to walk away from this one. I (finally) felt so very happy and secure, but now I'm in this terrible space of feeling insecure, & less trusting, & less valued in this relationship. I am confused & hurt. Embarrassed. Unhappy with any path I can take. I think we're both good people that deserve happiness. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I'd love to get some outside perspective from the folks around here. Thanks for reading.

 

From a guys point of view i can tell ya a guy hurts just as bad as a girl when his heart is broken. My last long term relationship made me extremely depressed and i hit rock bottom a few times resorting to drinking every night for months after the breakup. it took me about a year to get over her. after the depression get less and less was i able to start looking at woman again and want to date. give him time if you truely care for him. if not then let him go forever.

[Tara247]

Citylover, you did the right thing. He wasn't ready for a relationship, and like someone else on here said, he wasn't even healed yet from his past relationship. Not a good time for him to be dating right now, he's just going to hurt someone, like he just did you.

[iiiii]

He's going to have a hard time finding blue tulips!

 

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, and doing it in a way that is classy and fair to both of you.

[Lone Blue]

Hi City, I want to tell you that this story resonates strongly with me because it recently happened to me. The exception is he and I were official for a month and a half and we had been seeing each other a total of three months. Both he and I had gotten out of LTRs in the past few months, but while I was over my ex, he wasn't. In fact, his ex is a good friend of his, and while dating me, he realized he wasn't over her.

 

He kept expressing doubts, thinking it was too soon to tell, that he didn't feel that crazy in love feeling. I eventually just had it and cut it loose. He's a great guy and now I'm trying to be friends. Today was the first time we spoke in two weeks, and gah, apparently he took me up on my advice and is trying to sort out his feelings with his ex. How I see it is as follows: As much as it may hurt me to be without him, I would rather be his first choice, and well, if I'm not, that'll be fine and we'll be friends again. I'll meet the one who is for me when the time comes, and well, on the off chance that it's him, he has a lot of growing up to do and I'm not waiting. Life doesn't stop for anyone, so while it may hurt now, remember that there's someone out there who wants nothing more than to make you happy. Whether it's this guy or another guy, you will find love again.

 

Also, you go girl for being strong! How old are you and your ex, BTW? I'm 22 and the ex is 23.

[2sunny]

I really like the strength and boundary you're showing!

 

I know it's hard but know this:

 

He couldn't feel attached to you when he never had time to DEtach from his last GF. He was emotionally attached to her.

 

Since he described her as 'crazy' - that may his sense of a "normal gal he dates' - and if you're not full of drama he won't view that as "exciting" to HIM!

 

Most people keep choosing the same kind of folks "they are used to" because it's THEIR comfort zone.

 

You can't make yourself something you're not - nor would you want to.

 

He's got work to do with his cou selorhas - and that could take years to get to a healthy place.

 

You're doing great - I know it's hard.

 

Ps - I don't give compliments often - but I really think you handled this with grace and dignity!

 

Say busy! It helps!

[threebyfate]

Another who admires the way you handled the break up. While you had a blip, stick to NC from now on!

 

What will happen is that he'll try to continue getting your attention because he doesn't want to feel invisible. He wants to know you care even if he can't return the love, which is pretty selfish of him but aligns with him telling you that he's not feeling it and still wants to date.

 

I wouldn't call him a terrible person, just...selfish. If you were to look back on your relationship, you'd find more indications of this type of self-centered behaviour.