soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I have been involved with James for about 7 months now. We spend day and night together or talking every day. We have grown incredibly close and both say "I love you" on a daily basis. When we are apart, he constantly send "I miss you" texts. When he is out of town for work he mails me gifts/souvenirs from whatever city he is in. He adores me and I adore him. NOW- the problem....I want him to officially be called my "boyfriend"- I know its just a label, but you girls understand how important that is. He says entering an official "relationship" would be the end, that would be when things get bad. I know he has a terrible romantic history and so do I. He is dead set against it yet he won't let me go. We have been down this road before a few months ago- where I insist on a relationship and we have a huge ordeal only for me to go right back to him the next day. Well, last night we went down this road again and I told him I MUST have time apart. We got really in depth about things and he says I am "throwing him away" when I feel its HIM throwing me away since he won't do the one thing he KNOWS I need to be happy yet wants me to stick around. I told him all the things I think a relationship is. HE insists we already have all those things together. So then why won't he be my boyfriend? I am so utterly confused and I just KNOW he won't honor my no contact thing and will contact me today- even if its just an email to ask how I am. I really just do not know what to do. I feel I am losing my best friend because of my pride and I feel horrible. At the same time, if I stick around I feel I am just constantly beating myself up with worry that he just will one day meet someone else who he DOES deem worthy for a relationship and then my heart will shatter even more. Should I stay away from him or what should I do?? PLEASE HELP. My heart is breaking.
snowflakes88 Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 When he finds a woman who knocks his socks off, he will commit.
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 YES!!! That is EXACTLY how I feel. So how do I proceed??
veggirl Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 If he really cared about you he would happily take on the label of boyfriend. After all it's "just a label" isn't it? Tell him if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, you are going to be dating others since you are single! and then do it!
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 well I told him I need time away from him. As in trying to do no contact for a while to let things settle............let me see if my feelings will lesson, and more see if he will realize what he stands losing. I know I sound like a total love sick loser and probably a nightmare to deal with. I am just head over heels for him and very sad about everything.
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 and if I am being honest with myself all I wanna do is run to him.
veggirl Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 so how long has it been since you told him you want time apart? Has he tried to contact you since?
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 so how long has it been since you told him you want time apart? Has he tried to contact you since? all this just happened around 1AM last night/this morning. I know he isn't awake yet and I am pretty certain he will contact me despite me asking him not to. We have been down this road before and neither will walk away. But I know I HAVE to walk away if he won't give me what I want or I have zero dignity. Let me show you what a friend of mine emailed me a bit ago with her take about the situation..... "What would a relationship with James be that you do not already have with him?? I'm not getting it..... you are both being ridiculous....to me it seems you already ARE in a relationship and have a strong connection....so what is the problem? But I must say, if he REALLY cared about you as you say he cares about you, he would happily take on the label of boyfriend. After all it's "just a label" isn't it? If he can't see in you all the lovely things I see in you, then...why are you sticking around? Really, why? Actually wait....He's being a douchebag here, not you, honestly. You want to put an entirely reasonable label that simply describes the relationship as it is, and he's bucking against that because he somehow thinks that using a word is going to fundamentally change what you have. That's stupid and he's stupid. Nothing about use of the perfectly valid and descriptive "Boyfriend" is going to change anything about your relationship, and he sounds like a half-retarded teenager angsting over absolutely nothing. He is your boyfriend, at this point. It's just a matter of whether or not he wants to acknowledge that. Screw him if he wants to lose a good thing, you know? And you aren't just a good thing ... you are a GREAT thing."
Yookie Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Make yourself unavailable to him. Don't answer his calls and texts. Get busy with your friends and activities where he can't find you. Be firm about what you want. If you do end up talking with him, tell him to stop being selfish and let you move on to find someone who will make you happy since he isn't willing to do so.
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Make yourself unavailable to him. Don't answer his calls and texts. Get busy with your friends and activities where he can't find you. Be firm about what you want. If you do end up talking with him, tell him to stop being selfish and let you move on to find someone who will make you happy since he isn't willing to do so. Thanks. I needed to hear this RIGHT at this moment cause I know he will be waking up soon and WILL contact me.
pteromom Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 At some point, he has to be willing to let go of past hurts in order to move forward. So far in his life, being someone's boyfriend has led to nothing but pain. So he just refuses to be a "boyfriend". I understand it, but he's learning the wrong lesson. The lesson he needed to learn was to try to choose a partner who wouldn't hurt him. Instead, he's attached his fears to this label. So... now he has someone who won't hurt him, and he's holding SO HARD onto this lesson he learned, that he's about to lose you over a label. If being called "boyfriend" causes him anxiety, what about a different label? Significant other? Partner? Main man? LOL I think in your case, I would send him an email. Explain everything I posted above about learning the wrong lesson in past experiences. Explain that if he is exclusive already, you aren't asking for anything but a public recognition of your relationship. If you explain yourself well, focusing on how important this is to you, and he STILL isn't open to it, there may be something else going on (the old "fear of commitment" thing). Or it may be a red flag that he wouldn't be open to compromise and negotiation within a long-term relationship, and may be reason enough to walk away.
mammasita Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I agree with all of the responses you've gotten. Not wanting the label is just an excuse so you can't be upset if he ****s up OR it's just that he is emotionally unavailable. In either case, become unavailable and stand your ground!
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 At some point, he has to be willing to let go of past hurts in order to move forward. So far in his life, being someone's boyfriend has led to nothing but pain. So he just refuses to be a "boyfriend". I understand it, but he's learning the wrong lesson. The lesson he needed to learn was to try to choose a partner who wouldn't hurt him. Instead, he's attached his fears to this label. So... now he has someone who won't hurt him, and he's holding SO HARD onto this lesson he learned, that he's about to lose you over a label. If being called "boyfriend" causes him anxiety, what about a different label? Significant other? Partner? Main man? LOL I think in your case, I would send him an email. Explain everything I posted above about learning the wrong lesson in past experiences. Explain that if he is exclusive already, you aren't asking for anything but a public recognition of your relationship. If you explain yourself well, focusing on how important this is to you, and he STILL isn't open to it, there may be something else going on (the old "fear of commitment" thing). Or it may be a red flag that he wouldn't be open to compromise and negotiation within a long-term relationship, and may be reason enough to walk away. WOW, you are incredibly wise about these matters. Where on earth were you last night when all this was happening!?? I sure could have used your insight then! :) But yes, today if he contacts me, I will write him back and say exactly what you have said. I just don't think I should write him period until he contacts me.
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 You are such a great group of people. You are really helping me get through this so much. 2
pteromom Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 WOW, you are incredibly wise about these matters. Where on earth were you last night when all this was happening!?? I sure could have used your insight then! :) But yes, today if he contacts me, I will write him back and say exactly what you have said. I just don't think I should write him period until he contacts me. LOL. I only log in at work, so am never on during weekdays and holidays. I agree that he needs to be the one to contact you. He needs to realize what he is risking holding on to such a silly fear. If he loves you, he needs to be willing to step out of his comfort zone and take a risk. If he isn't - well, you can do better.
charlietheginger Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Solution = girls night out Hang out with other girls... When he ask you what your doing on Saturday Tell him your friend invited you to go out.. He ask what your doing Here is the bait..... Say a girlfriend was invited out by a guy and his Friends....movies sporting event nightclub whatever The hook..... She dosnt want to go out with a group of guys alone So she invited you to have someone she knows with Her he will take that bait..... Let him get a bite Wiggly your hook around a bit... See if he gets jealous .. He may seem angry... Hook is engaged slowly real it in... say well were not girlfriend boyfriend Didnt know where we were headed.. as the days go by closer to Saturday He may think about his relationship Standing... Keep the fish on the hook in the water... Fri sat I bet you will get him to want to be your Boyfriend to avoid you meeting other Guyd in that group... By sat he should be putty in your hands.. If not cut the line you will find another fish... Go out with your girls take pics of you With random cute guys post on facebook See how he reacts..... Sometimes a girl has to prove to a guy She can get another guy very eazy Once he relizes it... He will prob lock into commitment Bingo Hook line sinker....cuaght your fish
Author soar101 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 hahaha Charlie that is awesome! :) Pteromom....as hard as it is to wait, I will not contact him and whatever will be will be. I will DEF be taking your advice and words to write him if he does contact me today.
clia Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 No contact with him! He knows how you feel. He can be your boyfriend or not--his choice. For now, put the fear of God into him that you are gone for good, and out dating other men. Stay strong--I know it's hard. I dated a "James" many years ago. For me, it didn't work out but I never regretted ending it because at least I didn't waste any more time with a man who wouldn't commit to me. James' excuses are BS.
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Soar101, you deserve better than that. He's playing the same game that nev22's girl is playing. He wants all the benefits of you without taking the risks. What will this say? Right now he won't be your boyfriend...years from now he won't marry you. You have a right to be a little selfish. Like I told nev22...he can't have someone halfway. I don't care what past he's had. If you're worth it, if he thinks your worth it and the two of you are "worth it", then he needs to put the past in the trash can and move forward. People need to stop thinking that avoiding commitment is how one keeps from repeating the past failures...but they fail to really address why things failed in the past. I had to do that in my dating. For me, I kept chasing physically attractive emotionally-damaged women who needed any man rather than wanted me. Best vindication was when I cut off girls who wanted to FZ me and thus I showed them if they wanted me in their lives, then it has to be my on terms...as the BOYFRIEND. Do the same. If he wants you in his life, then he has to be your BOYFRIEND and you his GIRLFRIEND. Cut him loose, show him you're going away, and if he really loves you, then he'll toss his insecurities in the trash and be your boyfriend.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 My boyfriend genuinely did hate labels. He believed that the relationship should just "be" without the need to label what we had. I just thought it was a way of telling me he liked me but not THAT much. Which was cool, I had not had sex in ages and wanted a loyal and caring f8ck buddy. I was in college and had my life to think about anyway. This is my story.... After about 4 or 5 months together, I found out that when his good friend asked him about us, that he denied we were together. I told him straight away I had plenty of options, thanks for the time spent together, but I am moving on from him, and can he please stop contacting me, seeing as he was not serious about me after all the time spent together and how close we had become. If he did not know then, it is because he lacked the feelings to EVER be serious about me. Which is fine, but I wanted to go explore other men. He straight away begged me to stay and told me his friends just made fun of him for HAVING a girlfriend, so he tried to act tough and avert their immature teasing. (I heard them tease him every time he was on the phone to me around them!) He asked me out on the spot. Although I told him that at this stage, I did not consdier him a serious prospect based on how he treated me, and I was basically using him like he was me. Unless he proved otherwise through his actions, I told him I refused to take him seriously.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Honestly, in most cases, men who talk about "not wanting to use labels" are just not crazy enough about you! ...However, when I tried to leave my bf, he would not let me go! He has wanted to spend every day with me since then and appears extremely happy with me, so I guess some guys DO genuinely hate labels?
Author soar101 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 No contact with him! He knows how you feel. He can be your boyfriend or not--his choice. For now, put the fear of God into him that you are gone for good, and out dating other men. Stay strong--I know it's hard. I dated a "James" many years ago. For me, it didn't work out but I never regretted ending it because at least I didn't waste any more time with a man who wouldn't commit to me. James' excuses are BS. Thank you. He contacted me yesterday (after I asked him NOT to the night before saying I needed time and space) and he said "I don't like not talking to you. This is weird and horrible." But you know what? I HAVE to do this....for my sanity, self respect and dignity. I deserve way more than he is giving me. 1
Author soar101 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Soar101, you deserve better than that. He's playing the same game that nev22's girl is playing. He wants all the benefits of you without taking the risks. What will this say? Right now he won't be your boyfriend...years from now he won't marry you. You have a right to be a little selfish. Like I told nev22...he can't have someone halfway. I don't care what past he's had. If you're worth it, if he thinks your worth it and the two of you are "worth it", then he needs to put the past in the trash can and move forward. People need to stop thinking that avoiding commitment is how one keeps from repeating the past failures...but they fail to really address why things failed in the past. I had to do that in my dating. For me, I kept chasing physically attractive emotionally-damaged women who needed any man rather than wanted me. Best vindication was when I cut off girls who wanted to FZ me and thus I showed them if they wanted me in their lives, then it has to be my on terms...as the BOYFRIEND. Do the same. If he wants you in his life, then he has to be your BOYFRIEND and you his GIRLFRIEND. Cut him loose, show him you're going away, and if he really loves you, then he'll toss his insecurities in the trash and be your boyfriend. Thanks. See my reply above. You are so right. You have to show people you KNOW YOUR WORTH or else they will keep running all over you. And I like to quote Thelma and Louise with, "You get what you settle for."
Author soar101 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 My boyfriend genuinely did hate labels. He believed that the relationship should just "be" without the need to label what we had. I just thought it was a way of telling me he liked me but not THAT much. Which was cool, I had not had sex in ages and wanted a loyal and caring f8ck buddy. I was in college and had my life to think about anyway. This is my story.... After about 4 or 5 months together, I found out that when his good friend asked him about us, that he denied we were together. I told him straight away I had plenty of options, thanks for the time spent together, but I am moving on from him, and can he please stop contacting me, seeing as he was not serious about me after all the time spent together and how close we had become. If he did not know then, it is because he lacked the feelings to EVER be serious about me. Which is fine, but I wanted to go explore other men. He straight away begged me to stay and told me his friends just made fun of him for HAVING a girlfriend, so he tried to act tough and avert their immature teasing. (I heard them tease him every time he was on the phone to me around them!) He asked me out on the spot. Although I told him that at this stage, I did not consdier him a serious prospect based on how he treated me, and I was basically using him like he was me. Unless he proved otherwise through his actions, I told him I refused to take him seriously. Thank you for sharing your story. It is empowering me all the more and making me feel this is the ONLY decision that is right for me....to cut off all contact if he can't give me what I want. Otherwise he is just wasting my time.
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