Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) My girlfriend of six and a half years finished me because of lack of intimacy. There was no sitting down talking about it, it was just the end. She made a laugh and a joke about me saying bet you balls are massive a week or two prior so i didnt feel there was a major problem. i didnt know it was affecting her that bad. She never gave me a chance to make it right. She would initiate sex but if i didnt want to at that particular time for whatever reason, she just got in a grump with me. She seemed to be in a grump with me alot even though i didnt feel i did anything wrong. I would arrive at her house and she wouldnt even look at me or seem happy to see me which would put me on a downer. Then later on at night she would go upstairs for a shower and put some nice underwear on and come down to me but i wouldnt want to because i was tired (I am up at 6.30am) or because i wasnt in the mood because of how she was when i arrived at hers. There was also two teenagers upstairs that could of come down at any point which made it difficult as they were always there and they went to bed much later than i left her house and went home. I then found out two weeks after she split she was sleeping with a mutual friend. Did she use lack of intimacy as an excuse or was it how she really felt. She moved on so quick. I was always caring and considerate. I always asked how her day was and how she was but she never said anything. I know the mutual friend had been going around hers because he had just gone through a bad breakup with his ex so my ex was his shoulder to cry on. I was trusting and didnt think anything of it. If i had known it was a relationship deal breaker i would of changed my act. We had sex about a month and a half before the end on a couple of different days because she messaged me a load of pictures during the day so i knew she was in a happy mood so we did it and again a few days later because i got a new toy for us to try so we did it so i know she turned me on. We didnt do it that regularily i admit. She must of known that i loved her because i always did things for her and the kids. I was always loyal and faithful and stuck by her through the good times and bad but she didnt show me the same. Yes intimacy got bad but she gave up on me which really hurt and got with him two weeks later. Edited November 13, 2012 by Trisb4u
Mint Sauce Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Trisb4u, Sorry, but do you live on this planet? If she has a slightly above-average sex drive, there may be an order of magnitude difference in the amount of sex the two of you want (her: 3 times a week, you once a month?). That's a factor of 10! And after 6 years you are surprised that she wasn't happy? You should be either a) banging your head against the wall that you didn't see this coming, and/or b) see the opportunity to find someone you are compatible with, someone with a much lower sex drive. BTW, I don't think you can "change your act" on something so fundamental as this. Of course it's a deal breaker. Sorry if this is harsh, but you seem totally out of touch with her.
Hurt Irish guy Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 i understand exactly wear you are coming from answers are so hard to come by, the one thing that i could tell you is if this person got close to her you dont know what he was saying to her!!!! i am not on about the sex but rather the talks, no conversations are one way and he may have said things which turned her against you in her mind, i know it has happened to me when my gf of 5.5 years moved back in with her mum and now she needs to move to france to see if i am the one due to her mum pointing out what was wrong with us and me ( but to call a spade a spade no person or relationship is perfect) !!!! now i am only giving you one scenario but for me to even get this answer took me using a lot of niceness and reacting the opposite way that someone who is extremely hurt should do. try it tell her all the things you are feeling but do it by always saying that she is paramount, you are the one who dose not deserve to be hurt and things like this, soon the walls will come down they did for me!!! good luck
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Bit harsh yes. At the start of the relationship we had it all the time it just sort of fizzled out as the kids got older. Not my kids by the way. Do you not think two weeks is a bit soon for her to be getting with someone else?
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Unforutnately i dont speak to her have been going NC. She seems dead happy with the new guy who was our mutual friend. The problem also for me is when she was ending the relationship she was dead confused and even said she didnt know if she was putting walls up whether we should have a break or call it a day so i left her a week. This gave me hope so i wrote her a letter saying how i felt about her and what was wrong with me. I apologised and said i wanted to make a change. I Also sent her a bouchet of roses. Then i found out she was sleeping with him and it hit me like a train. She seemed unhappy all the time because of life stresses, her family, bills and so on and so forth so could i never identify if it was me the problem through all the other stuff going on. She never said to me look the relationship will end if i dont do something. I do think other people we saying things to her in her head.
Mint Sauce Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 It sounds to me she was almost starved to death, and needed food (sex/intimacy) so desperately that she chose the easy route: a mutual friend. It also sounds like she tried hard to fix things (the scene you describe about the nice underwear). She must have felt rejected time after time. Do not underestimate how much you possibly hurt her. Intimacy is not only about raw sex, it's also about feeling desired, being confirmed, bonding. And from the way you describe it, I'm guessing her grumpiness was also out of sexual frustration. Yes, 2 weeks is very very soon, but then again, if she detached from you over the course of the past years, a little bit more each time you rejected her, then for all you know she could already have been seeing him before she ended it with you. I'm sorry for you, but the damage done to her heart is probably too severe for her to fall for you again. Be more aware of the role of sex in a relationship in your next one. BTW, my harsh tone is because my own marriage failed on my ex failing to acknowledge that our sex life was unsatisfactory, even when I brought it up.
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) I wish she had brought it up. I wish more than anything. i just find it insulting that her new fella is a no hoper, he has no job, sells weed and used to hit his ex. When we had sex it was great on both sides. Am i that old fashioned to think there was more to a relationship Edited November 13, 2012 by Trisb4u
Mint Sauce Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Since I've been on her side, here's what I think you should do: I don't think NC is useful here. I would contact her, e.g. with a hand-written letter, where you apologize for not seeing how you hurt her. Expressing that you sincerely want to make it work again in the bedroom. That you do still desire her. Of course your case is different from mine, it's never the same, but the above would have helped in convincing me to give it another shot with my ex. And if her new bf is really a loser, then you may still have a chance. It's all going to depend on how detached she is at this point. Good luck, I hope you can turn it around!
Mint Sauce Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Am i that old fashioned to think there was more to a relationship You are perfectly right in the way you phrase it: there is more, but it is still an essential part.
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) Is it not to late she seems happy with new guy. Plus i said some horrible things to her when i found out she was sleeping with him? In the letter i put how beautiful she is from top to bottom and when i sent her some flowers i put some beautiful roses for a beautiful lady. It been almost a month and a half since the split. It is hard to think she has slept with someone else but i do still love her deerly. Edited November 13, 2012 by Trisb4u
Hurt Irish guy Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 its not too late to try but be prepared to get hurt!!! if i was you i would try try and try again... if she sees you doing this it may trigger all the good emotions and feelings which she still has for you, she may be hurt but unless she is made of stone they are still in her heart!!!this new relationship may be just sex for her and no emotional ties and if that is the case then as a betting man i would put you in the driving seat... but you need to be willing to do all in your power and to make her see that you can do it!!!
Mint Sauce Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I'm sorry, I don't know. I was still very torn between leaving her and staying with her (even though there was also someone else for me). (Some) women seem to be better at cutting all ties and moving on... I do agree with you: if she never brought it up clearly, she shares responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and it's a waste of all the good things you shared, and all the loyalty and care you showed. You may have to let go... She must know you cared deeply for her, and if you wrote her that you would do anything it takes to get the intimacy back in your relationship, then she knows everything that could lead to reconciliation. It's in her hands now. The fact that it has been 6 weeks with no real approach from her side is not a good sign I'm afraid. Don't worry too much about the horrible things you said. If she's human, she'll understand that these came from the hurt you were feeling.
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 i thought sending her a letter then some flower a week later would of done something but she never text me or contacted me. I feel hard done by because i want to try try try but she didnt.
Author Trisb4u Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 can you help me in what sort of things i should put in the letter please?
Mint Sauce Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Hi man, I read your posts again, and it sounds like it is probably too late to turn it around on the short term. Perhaps NC is the way to go. You can read about it a lot around here. Do it with the aim of getting over the BU. If it means she will start to miss the decent guy she had, you can see whether you give it a 2nd chance at that point, but once the initial hurt of the BU on your side has subsided, you will probably not be able to overlook that she went to another guy so quickly... Hang in there, the pain will slowly decrease, and you will see a bright future again. And read all you can on these boards!
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