kodiak Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Hey everybody out there!! This might have been done already before on this site but Im thinking that this will be a cool thread to start. Maybe just maybe it will help all of us understand what are exes are thinking and why they do what they do. Most of what i have read has been people like me wondering why there exes dont talk to them anymore and ignore them. Why they make us feel like we dont even exist anymore. i have not been on the dumper side before so I dont know how it is, o yes, I have been the one dumped both times. LOL.. Anyways on this thread I would like to see what are some of the reasons that the dumpers dont conatct their exes. Why they ignore them. Why they say they wanna be friends and than not wanna be freinds. Im sure there are alot of people her that have been on both sides. I hope that this will help people like me and all the others on this site asking these questions. I think it is a good idea and will definately help. So basically if you have been the one who has given the axe to your loved one, explain the reasons you had for ignoring them and so forth. I hope this will be a kick @#$$ thread to start and that we all can learn something and have some fun with it. Take Care Kodiak....
rachelcarney Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 I have experienced exactly this thing from both sides many times. There are many possibilities: 1) When they say "Let's be friends" they're lying trying not to hurt you as badly. It has happened to me that someone who I really just don't want to be around anymore says "Well, will we still be friends?" and I said, "Of course!" because they were crying and I felt rotten and didn't have the guts to say "No, not really." It's a cowardly thing to do, but it happens. It's called "letting them down gently". 2) They feel conflicted about it during the breakup, breakups are tough. But once the breakup is over, sometimes they realize "Actually, I just wanted this person out of my life" or "Jeez it feels good to not listen to that person whine anymore". 3) They did want to be friends, but every contact after the breakup has been awkward or clingy or weird or painful or guilty, and they know that calling you is unpleasant, so they stop doing it. Sometimes it's just an expression of longing in your eyes, it makes them feel really uncomfortable if they don't want to date you anymore. Sometimes in case 3, they are doing it for your benefit, at least in part. They see your pained longing expression when you talk, and decide it would be easier on you to not talk anymore, that you'd get over it faster. That may be a cop-out, though. I have been in case 3 lots on both sides. Very rarely, I think, they ignore you because they still have feelings for you. In my experience, that has never happened, but I can imagine that very occasionally it happens.
Author kodiak Posted August 5, 2004 Author Posted August 5, 2004 Rachelcarney- hey thanks for the reply. What you said has seemed pretty darn close to what i have heard from others. Its crazy how the person who the day before professed their love for you can turn around the next day and act like you dont exist. I have never been a dumper so like i said i really dont know. Im sure we all wish we could have radar machine that could read into our exes minds to see truly how they think. Sure we might find out stuff that we dont want to know but for some like myself, it would put closure on things. I want to make sure that everybody knows that the opinions people make and the reasons that they give on this thread our theirs and theirs alone. Your ex might be thinking a totally different thing. I dont want anybody to read this and feel worse than they already do. You Know what I mean everybody? I just want people to have a somewhat of an idea of what might be going on, like me. I know that these times feel unbearable. It has been two months since my ex broke up with me and today while driving i broke down and cried. It sucks. If anyone has seen the movie "Castaway" with Tom Hanks there is a great line that he says when he is talking to his friend towards the end of the movie. He is heartbroken that his wife moved on and he is still alive but he says to his friend "tomorrow the sun will rise, and you never know what the tide will bring in"
Dumbgirl Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 My ex boyfriend dumped me after 2 years and then said we couldn't talk for a bit because it was too hard. He said he will call me when he is ready to. He hasn't yet.....it has been 4 weeks of not talking and I am dying. I want to call him...shouldn't I fight to be with him??
Dork Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Originally posted by Dumbgirl My ex boyfriend dumped me after 2 years and then said we couldn't talk for a bit because it was too hard. He said he will call me when he is ready to. He hasn't yet.....it has been 4 weeks of not talking and I am dying. I want to call him...shouldn't I fight to be with him?? Most likely he is dating someone else. When two people break up and aren't seeing anyone else, they will make an attempt to contact each other once within 2-3 weeks whether by email/phone/whatever.. After that usually a meeting occurs, and whatever happens whatever happens.
JulieBoolie Posted August 6, 2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Okay guys here's it straight from a "dumper". I divorced (dumped) my exhusband in June of this year. Here's where I'm coming from as the "dumper". I begged and pleaded with my exhusband to open up emotionally to me - that's what I needed to feel secure in our marriage. I needed us to be best friends and I wanted our relationship, our problems, our life to stay between the two of us - NOT broadcasted to his mother and two sisters all the time. Our dating relationship was a blast - he rushed marriage and moving in together. I had cold feet getting married so quickly - needed more time to adjust and my son needed more time to accept him, etc. He talked me into getting married - things drastically changed after we got married and he wanted me to suddenly become a Stepford Wife (I'm not kidding - I was to become Betty Crocker and do what he said...). I freaked - I've always been independent and I was scared to death uprooting my life and my child to move in with him and his son. Problems began soon after I let him put that ring on my finger. I needed time, we all needed time - counseling, whatnot. Things just became disasterous and the pressure was too much - I filed for divorce - he started calling me horrible names for not becoming Betty Crocker and I just ran the other way. I divorced him and from that day in court I never contacted him again. He's never made any attempt to contact me. In the past when we had breakups - he'd pull silent treatments and ignore me. I always came crawling back asking to work things out. I did this enough - when I filed for divorce he made no efforts to change and become more supportive. The last day we spoke to each other I told him I was going to court the next day - he did nothing to stop me. So I divorced him and ended it cold turkey. Why would I make any attempts to contact him after all this? I feel if anyone should ever make a move to speak again it should be him. His mother and evil sisters are on his side - if he made any attempts to contact me he'd have to swallow his pride and enormous ego - which as self absorbed as he is would be way too difficult. This is why I cut things off cold turkey and never contacted him again. There have been many times I've wanted to because I have alot of anger still built up inside me and I want to let go and wish we could forgive each other. The saddest part of everything is we had a great relationship until we got married. That just ruined everything. I didn't want to get married yet and because I did then had hesitations about all of it moving way too fast for me and my son - he began hating me and telling me I was a horrible wife. Now I don't know about anyone else but I wasn't going to sit around and be verbally abused. I wanted to love him and I wanted to be married to him but it was all so damn fast and rushed. The pressure made me miserable and I lost respect and love for him - he seemed to be more concerned about his needs than mine and my sons. So a good relationship was ruined by marriage and now we don't speak to each other. I miss him, I still love him but I will never put forth effort to contact him - he pushed me away. He'll have to make the first move to reach out to me but that'll never happen due to his ego. Sad thing is - I'd give anything to be friends and be civil to each other. You tell me - think he'll ever contact me?
Dumbgirl Posted August 6, 2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Dork, He IM'd me a week after the meeting we had to see how I was doing and 2 weeks ago he called a freind of mine saying that he knows he has to call me but is not ready to yet.
Author kodiak Posted August 6, 2004 Author Posted August 6, 2004 Dumbgirl- Dont let what you read here in these post influence you in any negative way or make you feel bad. Remmber not any relationship is alike. When someone breaks up with you, it is not always about meeting someone new or finding someone to replace their ex. I have none countless people that have broken uo with somebody and has been single since. I feel that Dorks reply is somehat inaccurate but thats my opinion. Sometimes the reason your ex might not contact you is because it very well might be hard on them too. I know that it is very hard to think that way and beleive that, but it is very true. My ex that dumped me wanted to conatct me but i know that it is hard on her. Sure they could be with someone else but keep one thing in mind. Many people have to go and see what else is out there to realize what they had was what they wanted along. I try to tell myself this when those thoughts of her being with someone else creeps in. The fact that your ex has conatcted you in someway is a good sign. Dont read to much into it but take each day as it comes. Sometimes it takes weeks, months or even years(I KNOW IT SUCKS). I would do anything to have somewhat of conatct with my ex but each day that passes it becomes easier and also I begin to think that maybe i will never speak to her again. Goodluck with your ex and I hope whatever happens works out and that it is meant to be.....Kodiak
Dumbgirl Posted August 6, 2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Thank you so much Kodiak! You seem to understand completely how I feel. I don't think (but I am not sure) my ex would be with anyone right now because we had a very special connection...external circumstances were just crappy for about a year and I ended up hurting him because I took him for granted and assumed he would always be there. He got fed up with being hurt and pushed away one too many times and left. I know that he still has very strong feelings for me....I am just worried that with the passage of too much time, those feelings will go away. I am sad that he wants to move on and forget about me and I will feel guilty for the rest of my life knowing that I made mistakes and lost the best person to come into my life. That said, I have really used this time apart to realize the mistakes I made and I now know that if I ever get a second chance with him, I will not make those same mistakes again. I really hope your situation works out for you as well and thanks for trying to give me some comfort
DacaInaru Posted August 6, 2004 Posted August 6, 2004 wow this is a good question.. well i'm usually the dumper.. not the dumpee.. but when i'm done with a man i'm done.. I don't want to be his friend, I don't want to communicate with them, and I honestly if I could errase them from my past I would.. with the exception of my daughters father because if he had not come into my life I wouldn't have had her.. I found that when I left both of my husband and men I have dated throughout the years they usually come back with the I want to be your friend deal.. but my thinking is that if I hated you when we were married, dating, etc.. why the heck would I want to be your friend.. right?? but that why I choose not to continue contact with anyone. Unfortunately with my 2nd ex husband that has not worked.. he continues to pop up and since he can't contact me he continuously attempts contact with my family and friend and has gone so far as to tell his boss that we are back together and planning chidlren..
YellowLioness Posted August 6, 2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Usually, when I dump someone (friend, or boyfriend) it's because I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore, for a really good reason. Perhaps they weren't bad people, just bad for me. I don't talk to them, or promise to be friends, because you never know what will happen. I am friends with most of my exes, but that happened only after YEARS of no contact. Exes do really crazy, strange things to eachother during the last throws of love of a dying relationship. Dumpers want to be friends with dumpees because they don't want to lose the friendship. They want to be a friend, and sometimes ignore how painful it is for the dump-ee. Soon, however, they realize that the other person is "waiting" on them because the dumper was giving the dump-ee mixed signals. Perhaps the signals weren't mixed, perhaps the dump-ee was just trying to look for any shred of evidence that the dumper wanted them back. It happens. Then, the dumper realizes that he/she has to cease all contact so that both parties can move on. I've been on both ends.
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