Celineblondon Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Hi, My partner and I love each other very much. Our relationship is very passionate and we are very addicted to each other... We were living together but we started to fight a lot. It seemed to me that Johan was getting very angry too often, sometimes i didn't even understand what could possibly trigger such an angry fit, he used to cry a lot and he became very controlling, sometimes emotionally abusive. At other times he was so loving, it was really perfect. It was a real rollercoaster...The episodes of violence went worse and worse, and more frequent until i felt i had no choice but leave... This was 6 months ago... I could never forget about him and vice versa. We both ended up in a rebound relationship and realised it was very difficult to move on, that we still loved each other deeply. Johan started a long therapy to understand why he was so unhappy at times. For me it was a sign that he would get better and control his emotions, i had hope again that things could work. We started to have contact again and decided that perhaps we could have a shot at being happy again.. Johan seemed much more controlled..and emotionally stable. He explained that the root of his unhapiness was that he didn't feel a team with me, that i was too independant, and he didn't feel i put him first... He did explained that before, when we were still together but i didn't see it, as i really felt i loved him and i didn't understand he could feel this way. But i thought about it and in some ways, i understood how my independance could hurt him and make him feel secondary in my life. I realised i want my partner to feel one with me and vice versa, and that i had underlying issues around independance that i would like to explore wih a psychologue.* Johan agreed that we met again, and gave another shot o us as ong as i commited to this. I agreed. A weekend later, and before i started the therapy session, we spend a few days in Paris. We had great talks and in many ways i felt he had grown emotionnaly and i was already more open and less driven about my need or independance, sharing much more than i used to. The third night, while everything had been really fantastic, we had another violent fight. We talked about one of my brother the day before and i fellt i opened up, johan gave his (negative) opinion about my brother and i didnt react badly, telling him it was not right for him to criticize my family like i would have probably done before. But the day after, a comment from my brother on facebook, related to our discussion the previous day made Johan very angry. He startedto become very agitated and violent in his words rowards my brother. His reaction was very disproportionate (in my opinion), especially that johan doesn't knowhim that well. I didn't understand why he would get so judgmental and mean towards him. So i asked johan to calm down and there was no reason for him become so angry towards him. But for him, me reacting to his anger burst against my brother, is exactly what makes him feel i don't put him first, that I choose my brother before him... For me it really is not the case, i just don't understand why he gets so agitated and angry and judgmental of my family... I really don't like the negativity. Besides, he knows i love them very much soi feel he is very unsensitive to criticize them with so much passion. It hurts me that my partner does not like my family. I would rather he said nothing than force me to listen to this negativity and expect i don't react and agree with him.... Anyway, as soon as i ask him to calm down a little he started to be very angry with me, shouting, putting me down... I felt scared...I left... It is awful that such a nice weekend, when we felt very connected together had to end like this... So we talked today, and he tells me that me doing the therapy is the solution to us not arguing anymore. I know it is part of it but i feel he needs to understand that anger and violence is not ok. He says i am responsible for him being angry.... That he was never like this with someone else and therefore it is my fault... What i suggested is that i start my therapy as soon as possible but that he looks at anger management classes, or sth like this, because i will always be scared that anything might start him up. He becomes such a different person when he is like this, i don't want to leave in fear of his outbursts...also i asked him to try to drink less, he really drinks too much and has always been drinking quite a lot when these episodes happen... We are both at a stage when we want to get to the bottom of this and be happy.. He is not very convinced that he should get any help for his anger as he really think that my therapy will sort everything out. We want to be helped and get better. Do you have some advice or us?
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