pees Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 I need advice from anyone with knowledge of aspects of alcoholics and the disease of alcoholism. Long story short, I've had a few posts but most recently I was dating a guy for 1.5 months and things were getting serious when he totally pulls a 180 on me and declares his need for "space". I asked him, do you feel the need to date other women and lessen the seriousness of our relationship (because I was feeling smothered). He responds with an emphatical "NO". Come to find out space = seeing other women. A week later he starts dating some woman from out of the blue, who apparently had nothing on me. Keep in mind, we haven't even brokern up "officially. Three weeks later, I find out this devistating news on my birthday no less and go ballistic. That truely crushed my heart to pieces....All I want are my belongings, so I can move on...We play phone tag but the heartless, ass actually has the balls to call me to ask me to meet for "drinks". Much to my reluctance, I listen to a mutual friend and decide to listen to what this heartless bastard has to say. Basically, he turns everything around on me and claims that I'm making up conversations, because he has no recollection of them. I told him he had no recollection because he is an alcoholic and drunk almost all the time, thus his inability to recall conversations in which he's told me he loves me, he doesn't care to date other girls, he would never hurt me (emotionallly speaking), and to bring over some clothes, toiletries, etc. for when I spend the night...He continues to adamantly deny ever say such things and in addition, tells me that he informed me he's not ready for a committment (of which I don't recall) and I'm very leary about dating, so I'm fairly certain I would....He also blames me for believing his drunken conversations, he's fairly good at hiding his intoxication, so how am I supposed to know when to converse in a meaningful manner and when to have mindless conversation? Why did he continue to deny, deny, deny? So in the middle of all this frustrating childish conversation, he says to me, "do you really want to date an alcoholic?"(as if he was looking for a way out). To which I respond, "HECK NO!" and he proceeds to toast me with a shot and say "well here's to that"! What a JERK!!!! The only fault he would admit to is not breaking it off altogether with me sooner (when he started dating the other girl. I told him he isn't comfortable with himself and asked why he jumps from girl to girl to girl in relationships and never takes a break? He had no answer to that. I'm just so livid that he actually thinks he is justified by his words and his makebelieve, nonexistent conversations in his own little alcoholic world. why do I feel like total crap, when he's the one who cheated on me?Can someone tell me if this frustration due to the fact that he is an alcoholic? What are the common issues people deal with in alcoholic relationships? HELP!!!
freedom 43 Posted August 7, 2004 Posted August 7, 2004 Pees: I have a lot of the exact same problems going on in my life. I have done quite a bit of research concerning alcoholics and romance. If you will e-mail me I will share some of my problems and solutions with you. It is pretty private so I would rather do it that way. freedom 43
Author pees Posted August 7, 2004 Author Posted August 7, 2004 Freedom 43- please give me a shout and shed any light you can on helping me make sense of this insanity! I tried PMing you, but don't think your set up yet... After much reflection, I unfortunately believe I have witnessed someone I cared for fall into a downward spiral filled with alcohol and drugs to numb his pain. I think he realized we were two different people and he chose to wallow in his own self pitty, even though I tried multiple times to help him however I could. I have concluded that he is simply irrational and the mood swings in the past month prove how emotionally unstable he truely is. He chooses to drink, smoke, and drug himself to death and it is much easier to place blame on others (me namely) than accept personal responsibility for your actions. Alcoholism is a disease and I'm too sweet, kind, good-hearted, of a person, and old to put up with his crap and disrespect. It's so hard to let him go and know I was replaced by someone less attractive, with nothing going for her, but the pure fact that he looked horrible and like a stranger when I did see him after 3 weeks, has led me to the conclusion that I'm fighting a losing battle with, essentially, a crazy boy who is hellbent on driving himself into the ground. I'm so sad, hurt and confused... Does any aspect of this sound remotely similar? HELP!!!!! (I tried PMing you, but don't think your set up yet...might want to check your settings, or maybe try the HELP screen) ...talk to you soon.
flowergirl Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 My ex is an alcoholic as well, so yes, all of this pitiful behavior that you speak of is oh too familiar. You can love them till you're blue in the face (believe me), but that ain't much good until they decide to change FOR THEMSELVES. Cut your losses, and roll on. I'm sorry this lesson had to be learned the hard way.
freedom 43 Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Pees: Please set up your private messaging so that I can contact you privately. Freedom 43
ojibwaywmn Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Yep, I have an ex who just recently confessed that he is an alcoholic and went in for treatment. We had a long distance relationship, so I had no idea how much he drank. I left the relationship after being verbally and emotionally abused (a lot of push and pull went on). It took me a long time to realize that was what he was doing to me. It was like I couldn't say or do the right thing at all. We made several attempts to be friends. Just two weeks ago, we had a huge fight online. He resorted back to his verbal garbage (he has a wicked temper)like before, and I finally had it. I am learning alot about myself and taking a firmer stance on issues. Knowing that I am not accepting his garbage is when he went into a tirade. I have to admit that we are not going to be on the same emotional level. I just have to wash my hands of it and move on. Although my ex is attending AA meetings and staying clean, he still has alot of emotional issues that I don't want to be a part of.
shamen Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Dating an alcoholic leads to inevitable frustration. They don't remember what they say, they don't do what they say they are going to do, and they will always love the alcohol more than the person that they are dating. Hate to say it, but I would run away from this boy and stop worrying about him. Totally not worth it. I spent the last 3 1/2 years of my life with an alcoholic/drug addict and it's still messing me up. He is my ex bf, mind you, but we're still talking. I can't help him, nor can anyone else for that matter, until he is ready to help himself. He's not ready, so I walked away.
Author pees Posted August 26, 2004 Author Posted August 26, 2004 Freedom 43- I can't PM you, even though it is set up in my options. After seeking help from the website, I received this message: "we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time." I believe this to be both our cases.... I'd love to hear any insight you have on my situation, only if you feel comfortable sharing. It's extremely comforting to know I'm not alone in my dysfunctional relationship and I'm not the insane woman, my ex made me out to be. For a few days I thought I was losing my mind...
tokyo Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 Maybe my point of view is a bit naive, but why do you bother about him? Obviously he is an egoist and drunkard, so what´s the point in worrying about him? This clearly looks like a dead end. You can´t expect more from him. Neither any sensible answers, neither a a satisfying explanation, so forget it. That´s not nice, but I´m bit shocked that you still linger on.
freedom 43 Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 Pees: I got the same reply but I e-mailed the site and told them that I had private matters to discuss and they e-mailed me back and gave me permission to PM someone that I desperately needed to "talk" to in private. They will probably do the same for you. I can't remember where on the site where I found the e-mail address but I know it was somewhere that PMing was being explained. Try it!! Freedom 43
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