BetrayedH Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 If i was a betting man, I'd bet that you would gladly do the best that you could at this marriage if he's not cheating. And if he is, you cut your losses. The problem is that you don't inow which scenario is going to play out. Figure out the truth. You're not spying on your corporation; it's your spouse. If it turns out that you were paranoid, your spouse will forgive you and you'll make a great marital correction. I would also say that someone that loves you will move mountains to be with you. Being separate this much doesn't ceate a bond. Personally, I think you should keep your commitment until you have a good reason to do otherwise. Besides being separated, your chief complaint was that he was judgmental about parental decisions. Tough subject but probably not a marital dealbreaker. You need to be right if you're going to divorce. If he's an asshat, you should divorce him (or seek an annulment). 1
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Oh wow...your experience/longevity on LS has made you very wise and insightful. You have brought up some very important questions and things for me to consider when making my decisions-thank you! You're right, I'm not totally and completely in love with him and marrying him was settling for being just "happy enough". BUT, I have been committed to our marriage and trying to make it work but it often seems like a losing battle. He is a family man in many ways but not towards his own daughter. He is always speaking badly of her because she got pregnant and didn't finish high school. He is ok toward my daughter now that she is away at college. He is supportive of her continuing her education and I do appreciate that. When she was still at home, he often seemed judgemental of her and of my parenting skills. I believe he has these OW to feed his ego. He wants me to need him but doesn't do anything to take care of me or to foster any interdependence. I live 100 percent like a single woman-work, pay all of my own bills etc. The only thing is...I'm married! Honestly and I don't tell too many people to just divorce without trying ,but I'm gonna tell you to. DIVORCE him. Why? Because this man is not husband material, deep down you know this. No rush to make the final decision, but do start talking to those whom you're close to and trust. Ask your daughter for her opinion, if you two do talk about personal stuff, she would be a great person to confide in.
taya Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 You've been pretty non-specific about his texts and think he could talk his way out of it. Don't say a word. Go into investigative mode at your earliest opportunity. Phone records, financial records, internet history are a good start. If that only gets you red flags, GPS his car or place a voice activated recorder under the steering column. If he is cheating, he will lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight you. He will only admit what you already know and take the affair underground. Then you're screwed. i sure would tell him i did it and tell him what i saw if he dident make you feel you had to snoop you woildent have and then you find out he has not been honest at least call him out on it if he say you shouldent have look thur this phone i would say you shouldent being texting other woman
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 This is a great post. Thanks BH, and thanks (tried to edit my post but it wouldn't let me) compassion for the compliment.
Older 'n' wiser Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 For me, I had to know the truth. How can you make a decision about divorce (or going into the marriage with both feet) based on some sketchy text messages? Can you really divorce over that? I couldn't. And I couldn't bury my head in the sand either. Confronting seems like a middle ground but in my experience, all you do is give up your sources. A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. If my spouse expressed concern over my phone use, I would have bo qualms with exonerating myself and making my wife feel secure. Your H's refusal to do so is cause for alarm by itself even if you had no sketchy communications with other women. Not trying to brow beat you. Just enhancing the thoughts behind my opinion since you are looking for more. I never thought my wife capable but ultimately put a GPS on her car. In th first download, found she'd been to a hotel during work hours and then discovered 17 hotel stays. Then I discovered about 50 more going back over the course of a year. We see it here all the time. Be smart. You've been pretty non-specific about his texts and think he could talk his way out of it. Don't say a word. Go into investigative mode at your earliest opportunity. Phone records, financial records, internet history are a good start. If that only gets you red flags, GPS his car or place a voice activated recorder under the steering column. If he is cheating, he will lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight you. He will only admit what you already know and take the affair underground. Then you're screwed. I agree with BH that you need to gather evidence for yourself, first of all. I remember when many people here were already telling me to divorce, to walk out, to say this and that, and I couldn't here any of it until I was SURE. I had a few text messages and emails, plus their behavior (yes, I knew her). I told a little fib to call his bluff: I told him that I'd talked to the OW and she'd told me most of it already. That did it. He thought the cat was out of the bag so he pulled it out SOME of the rest of the way. That was d-Day1. There've been 3 or 4. Here are my methods for digital snooping, assuming there's a computer he uses, you have access to it and know how to do these things: Browsers: Check every browser's History - Safari, Firefox, Chrome, Opera. Even if s/he deleted every email, if s/he didn't also delete the cache in history, you will still have a record of every email viewed. This is really the best place to start. You can see everything s/he is looking at on any given day. You should be sure to delete your prowling cookies afterward. Social media sites: There are more and more nowadays. If you can get into his/her accounts (know passwords, can guess or they're saved on the computer), check Facebook, LinkedIn, StumbleUpon and any other social media sites s/he might frequent, especially check the messages. Email: Be sure to check all folders, including trash. Especially check the Sent folder. Do a search using every possible search term and address that could have information. Always search for "confirmation," "order," "shipped," "tickets," "shipment" to get possible gifts or tickets ordered online. Then sweep up after yourself, if s/he doesn't know you're snooping, by marking as unread anything new that you read. Go to the browser's history and delete forever all the searches you did. Remove the trail. Phone: Obviously check text messages. There are free online downloads for retrieving deleted messages. Check phone records online so you can sort the columns of each phone bill by number. Click above the column to get it to sort alphabetically or chronologically. Know who each number belongs, especially the ones called the most. Look at the time of day and the numbers of times. Pull up a calendar and figure out where s/he was and what was going on. Do the same for msgs. Bank: Bank records are great if s/he uses the card for a lot of purchases. Leaves a good trail of where s/he has been, when, big cash withdrawals, gifts, tickets. We have separate accounts so I really didn't know.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 What you're describing..those aren't red flags, that's actual proof that he's cheating. 1
Older 'n' wiser Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 What you're describing..those aren't red flags, that's actual proof that he's cheating. Isn't that what she needs?
ThatJustHappened Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Isn't that what she needs? Yes, that's exactly my point. She keeps calling them red flags and red flags are different from solid proof. A red flag is questionable and solid proof is not. There's no doubt from what the OP is saying that her husband is cheating but she seems a bit hesitant to believe it. 2
GLDheart Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I think a simple voice activated recorder in this guy's car would tell her 90% of what's going on. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 I think a simple voice activated recorder in this guy's car would tell her 90% of what's going on. Yes, but what then? She already has what most people would call solid evidence of infidelity and she is saying things like, "oh my goodness, what is this?" She is not strong enough to do what most people would do in this situation. She could find him in her bed with her best friend and post, "should I care?" So starting from that point can anyone help her?
Recommended Posts