I snooped-do I say something?

[compassion42]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for a year. We don't live together and actually live in two different states(long story). Whenever we are together, he puts his phone on silence and keeps it in his pocket. I have spoken to him several times about how this makes me feel and he will not change. I tell him that it seems like he has something to hide etc. and he listens but just keeps doing the same thing.

The other night, I had an opportunity to snoop through his phone. I found out that he is talking to other women in between calls to me and I saw some texts to one of the women that indicated that this is not just a friendship thing.

Do I say something to him about what I saw on his phone or do I just leave it alone and ignore yet another red flag?

[Balzac]

I'd say your decision hinges on your desire to remain married. Absent honest communication it's tantamount to a sham marriage.

[compassion42]

Would you mind elaborating a bit on your reply Balzac?

[BetheButterfly]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for a year. We don't live together and actually live in two different states(long story). Whenever we are together, he puts his phone on silence and keeps it in his pocket. I have spoken to him several times about how this makes me feel and he will not change. I tell him that it seems like he has something to hide etc. and he listens but just keeps doing the same thing.

The other night, I had an opportunity to snoop through his phone. I found out that he is talking to other women in between calls to me and I saw some texts to one of the women that indicated that this is not just a friendship thing.

Do I say something to him about what I saw on his phone or do I just leave it alone and ignore yet another red flag?

 

I am curious why you married him?

 

Do you have kids together?

 

Do your marriage vows include faithfulness as being part of the promise?

 

If you are happy with your marriage being how it is, don't say anything. However, if that's not how you want your marriage to be, then quietly gather evidence of infidelity and go to a lawyer.(Important Note: if you are having sex with him, insist that he use a condom. That might get his suspicious up but justify it as being a form of birth control.) Right now would be a difficult time to have a baby anyways...

 

If you don't have the finances for a lawyer, call shelters for abused women and ask them if they know a good lawyer who helps women in relationships with infidelity. One of my sisters works in a women's shelter and they have firm connections with lawyers who specialize in helping poor ladies with legal matters.

 

I personally advise not confronting alone. It's always nice have a legal presence with you, to show the guy you mean business. Legal help doesn't always have to mean divorce; it could be a wake-up call.

 

Make sure your life is not in danger. If he ever threatens you with harm or hits you, go to a shelter. Take your kids with you, if you have kids. I wish you the best.

Edited November 12, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[Balzac]

You mentioned red flag plural. You felt strongly enough to snoop.

Prior to your snoop you'd brought your discomfort to his attention and it seems he ignored you. So just taking what you've shared here, you attempted honesty in communication.

 

You stated that your marriage is a year into it. I cannot imagine that this situation bodes well. In no way am I placing judgement for living in different geographical locations. Career interests often dictate agreed separations. In such situations honest communication becomes more important. Often when one partner experiences weakness to temptation a resolution is discussed. Where is is his sharing with you prior to acting?

 

I guess my thought is that absent your bringing the knowledge you hold to him, your commitment to the marriage is weak. Facing the problems together, establishing a commitment to working through the problem, not easy but necessary. Shoving this under the rug dooms your marriage.

 

There are vast sums of other LS folks here who will chime in.

[ComingInHot]

Compassion;

You felt something was off.

You checked it out.

Something IS off.

 

So now by keeping this to yourself, you have decided to take the honesty & openess out off your marriage from your side as well. Yuck.

You have been placed in a CRAPPY position by your husband's secrecy and deceit!!

You don't need to remain in an unhealthy place.

 

Decide and I mean REALLY get resolute that you either have a health, honest marriage w/your husband OR get out and be healthy on your own.

 

Sometimes the routine and reasons and rules of marriage can get muddled and skewed. Without realizing it, we "let things go" for the good of the team.

 

Do NOT LET THIS GO!! This is your life too and the decisions in a marriage should be based on honesty and MUTUAL agreement.

Tell husband you KNOW. BUT... be prepared for the outcome to go either way.

I am SO SORRY you are dealing w/this!!*

[Balzac]

"Whenever we are together, he puts his phone on silence and keeps it in his pocket"

 

In all honesty, as a guy, that indicates to me that he is willing to devote his full attention to when you are with him. I cannot say that I'd interpret the action as suspicious. That being said, you apparently had a gut feeling, trusted your feeling, investigated, found out shocking details. I'm sorry to hear about it but not following through seems cowardly at this point.

 

Find the courage to feel your feelings, evaluate the long term picture, act appropriately.

[CarboniteCammy]

Why would you not say something? Your snooping has everything to do with his shady behavior, which led you to the knowledge that he's cheating on you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What good would it serve you to keep it to yourself? Is the status quo of this marriage, which includes:

 

Other "red flags"

Not living together

"Not just friendship" with other women

His not caring about your feelings

 

Something you would hope to maintain?

 

I hope not!

 

You need to stand up for what you WANT in your marriage. I think that snooping is "wrong," but now that you've done it, you need to confront and establish boundaries and parameters. That will be a big challenge, though, in a marriage only one year old that already has these issues. BOTH of you will need to want it a LOT. It doesn't seem that you would have even had enough chance to bond and to start married life properly.

 

Or, just start filing your divorce.

[BetheButterfly]

"Whenever we are together, he puts his phone on silence and keeps it in his pocket"

 

In all honesty, as a guy, that indicates to me that he is willing to devote his full attention to when you are with him. I cannot say that I'd interpret the action as suspicious. That being said, you apparently had a gut feeling, trusted your feeling, investigated, found out shocking details. I'm sorry to hear about it but not following through seems cowardly at this point.

 

Find the courage to feel your feelings, evaluate the long term picture, act appropriately.

 

My husband never puts his phone on silence when we are together, except for when we are at church or in the movie theater or place where it's polite to turn it off. That is the same with me Whenever some calls him, I know who it is; he has never ever hidden his phone from me. Many times he won't answer cause he is spending time with me. He just calls back later.

 

As for me, it's the same. He always knows who calls me. I don't hide my interactions from him, whether by phone, facebook, or email. It makes us both secure and trusting of each other. We are a team. There is no reason to hide.

 

As for this lady's situation, the reason I hesitate for her to tell him without having evidence and without legal help is because he can simply deny it and get sneaky. He can erase messages and calls before coming to see her. That's why I think she needs to quietly gather evidence and seek legal counsel... otherwise he can simply deny and more stealthily hide what he's doing.

[compassion42]

I married him because I love him. But also because I am over 45 and want someone to grow old with and be happy with. He used to say that he just wants me to be happy and that meant so much to me. At first we delayed moving in together after marriage because my daughter was in her senior year of highschool and I wanted to wait until she graduated to move to his state. But that happened in June and our plans to buy a house in his state got delayed by him becoming unemployed.

I recently offered to move into his little apartment(which means 2 hours commute for me each day for work)and he thought I was bluffing at first-but when he knew I was serious, he said "NO, Let's just wait a few more months and buy a house"(he just started a new job)

I am not happy with my marriage. I have considered divorce many times but have stopped because I didn't want to give up on a marriage that has never fully started or had a chance to grow -We are pretty much just married by law-not IN a marriage.

[compassion42]

Why would you not say something? Your snooping has everything to do with his shady behavior, which led you to the knowledge that he's cheating on you.

You're right-I feel like my snooping was justified in a way, but I worry that my strength in confronting him is not enough and that he'll be able to talk his way out of this situation. He is notorious for turning the tables.

[Cb3657]

Really sounds more like a dating situation than a marriage, I would agree with other posters that shutting down the phone is not often done by marriage partners since it is not required, you both know each others callers ets.., but if I was back in the dating pool I definitely do this, not to cover anything but to show attention.

Regardless, you found what you found, this is not something you want to avoid, how will you feel "growing old" with a person with two seperate lives, him continuing dating and you the prepetual backup.

Ask yourself "why does he continue to date?" most people date with the goal of finding a partner, he is either dating for pure sex/thrill or to find somebody "better" niether of those thing would sit well with me.

[CarboniteCammy]

Well, if you want to talk this through with him, you could just make a list of all the things you want to say, and then make another list of how you think he'll respond, that way you're prepared and have well thought responses ready.

 

Or, you could just have him served with divorce papers at work. He probably won't be surprised.

[BetrayedH]

You've been pretty non-specific about his texts and think he could talk his way out of it.

 

Don't say a word. Go into investigative mode at your earliest opportunity. Phone records, financial records, internet history are a good start. If that only gets you red flags, GPS his car or place a voice activated recorder under the steering column.

 

If he is cheating, he will lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight you. He will only admit what you already know and take the affair underground. Then you're screwed.

[Furious]

I married him because I love him. But also because I am over 45 and want someone to grow old with and be happy with. He used to say that he just wants me to be happy and that meant so much to me. At first we delayed moving in together after marriage because my daughter was in her senior year of highschool and I wanted to wait until she graduated to move to his state. But that happened in June and our plans to buy a house in his state got delayed by him becoming unemployed.

I recently offered to move into his little apartment(which means 2 hours commute for me each day for work)and he thought I was bluffing at first-but when he knew I was serious, he said "NO, Let's just wait a few more months and buy a house"(he just started a new job)

I am not happy with my marriage. I have considered divorce many times but have stopped because I didn't want to give up on a marriage that has never fully started or had a chance to grow -We are pretty much just married by law-not IN a marriage.

 

 

 

Do not buy a house together and get entangled in a financial mess if your marriage is already on shaky ground.

 

What you have are not red flags but red sirens, he is dating other women, and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't even know he has a wife.

[Spark1111]

So exactly who's money nd credit history is going to finance this house?

 

Your's?

 

I would go into investigative mode personally, before I did anything else.

 

Surprise visit him....at work, at his apartment. When can you NOT reach him during the week? Take a day off and invstigate for yourself if you cannot afford the other methods BH suggested.

 

Jeez, find out for SURE before you go forward or mention anything about those texts. Let him be lulled into a false sense of security so he continues to make mistakes.

 

It is MUCH easier to seek annulment than to divide assets and divorce.

 

Do NOT confront. Gather evidence, really, really solid evidence, before you make any decisions for the the future of this relatonship.

 

How did you meet? And why marry if you have to live in separate states? Why did you not wait to marry until you could be together?

 

Just curous....and I hope I am not smelling some con artist who preys on the lonely for financial gain.

[candlelight01]

It sounds like he's manipulating you by being deceptive. He may not be lying, but he certainly isn't telling the full truth. Your marriage is not going to get better by you saying nothing. He will continue to undermine your trust and break you.

 

When you tell him, either 1) He fesses up in honesty, and you decide whether to keep going, or 2) He denies and squirms out of it, in which case he's made his decision, and you divorce. You will have enough evidence by then, and you can make a sound decision. But important...make up your mind beforehand what your decisions are going to be, based on his reactions to you. So when you're in the heat of the moment and emotionally charged, he won't be able to talk you out of your unemotional understanding of what needs to happen.

[compassion42]

Don't say a word. Go into investigative mode at your earliest opportunity. Phone records, financial records, internet history are a good start. If that only gets you red flags, GPS his car or place a voice activated recorder under the steering column.

 

If he is cheating, he will lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight you. He will only admit what you already know and take the affair underground. Then you're screwed.

 

 

The texts that I read didn't come out and say anything like"the sex was so great last night...." but they did say things that were indicative of an affair. I can't quote them because I didn't write them down-it was 2:00 in the morning when I snooped.

We met on the internet and got married after three years of dating. We married when we did because financially the time was right and we knew his job wasn't going to last a whole lot longer. I know now that we should have waited but as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.

I'm nervous about the whole house thing. I know it is what is best for our marriage and it has always been a dream of mine to be a home owner.

A part of me wants to put my complete all into trying to make this marriage work while another part of me worries that it may never work.

Decisions, decisions......

I so appreciate everyone's input so far and welcome all perspectives.

I will wait until I get more of your opinions before I move forward in one direction or the other.

[BetrayedH]

For me, I had to know the truth.

 

How can you make a decision about divorce (or going into the marriage with both feet) based on some sketchy text messages? Can you really divorce over that? I couldn't. And I couldn't bury my head in the sand either. Confronting seems like a middle ground but in my experience, all you do is give up your sources.

 

A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. If my spouse expressed concern over my phone use, I would have bo qualms with exonerating myself and making my wife feel secure. Your H's refusal to do so is cause for alarm by itself even if you had no sketchy communications with other women.

 

Not trying to brow beat you. Just enhancing the thoughts behind my opinion since you are looking for more. I never thought my wife capable but ultimately put a GPS on her car. In th first download, found she'd been to a hotel during work hours and then discovered 17 hotel stays. Then I discovered about 50 more going back over the course of a year. We see it here all the time. Be smart.

[Furious]

 

 

My husband and I have been married for a year. We don't live together and actually live in two different states(long story). Whenever we are together, he puts his phone on silence and keeps it in his pocket.

 

I found out that he is talking to other women in between calls to me and I saw some texts to one of the women that indicated that this is not just a friendship thing.

 

Do I say something to him about what I saw on his phone or do I just leave it alone and ignore yet another red flag?

 

 

Does being married mean more to you than being married to a liar?

 

Do you really want to put your head in the sand and ignore the truth?

 

If you require more truth...then find a way to get it....but do not let on what you know. He will downplay what you already know, he will not volunteer the full truth unless you have evidence to the contrary. This is typical of someone who is caught cheating on a spouse.

 

As painful as it s now for you, it will only be more painful to invest in a future with someone who does not honor or respect you.

[compassion42]

Someone had asked if it was going to be YOUR credit and YOUR money that's going to make this future house possible but you didn't reply. I'm getting the feeling it IS your credit and your money.

 

Well, you can continue to bury your head in the sand with all those red flags waving all over the place, pick up your whole life and move to where Romeo lives. Oh wait - he doesn't even WANT you with him and told you to stay put. Moving into his apartment would really cramp his dating style and he doesn't want that.

 

Whoever said that he keeps his phone on silent and in his pocket when he's with you so he can "concentrate on you" HAD to be friggin' joking (or high).

 

Get rid of this parasite.

 

Admit you screwed up royally with this guy and cut the ties. Protect yourself.

 

He is the one who has better credit and more money in the bank....so I really don't think he is using me for any financial gain.

I agree with you about the phone on silent...I KNOW that he does this to avoid any conflict or questioning from me and to basically just hide whoever is calling-unfortunately it is NOT about his desire to focus only on me....

[whichwayisup]

I could be totally wrong but the feeling I get by reading your thread - You aren't totally and completely in love with him, you settled to be 'happy enough' to have someone to grow old with. The thing is, you don't know him that well. yeah you dated for 3 years, but neither of you seem deeply and passionately in love. If you were, all this wouldn't be happening..Meaning he wouldn't be acting weird about moving in with you, prolonging it.

 

How does he treat your daughter? is he a family man? A stand up guy?

 

The first year of marriage and you two are apart much of the time, he hasn't been a husband to you, you two haven't bonded. Why is he texting OW? Is he lonely? is it ego feed? Was the marriage a mistake? Find out why and go from there.

Don't freak out about it to him, just be honest.. Speak from your heart and you won't go wrong.

 

Is what you share with him so far worth fighting for? That's what you need to decide.

[compassion42]

I could be totally wrong but the feeling I get by reading your thread - You aren't totally and completely in love with him, you settled to be 'happy enough' to have someone to grow old with. The thing is, you don't know him that well. yeah you dated for 3 years, but neither of you seem deeply and passionately in love. If you were, all this wouldn't be happening..Meaning he wouldn't be acting weird about moving in with you, prolonging it.

 

How does he treat your daughter? is he a family man? A stand up guy?

 

The first year of marriage and you two are apart much of the time, he hasn't been a husband to you, you two haven't bonded. Why is he texting OW? Is he lonely? is it ego feed? Was the marriage a mistake? Find out why and go from there.

Don't freak out about it to him, just be honest.. Speak from your heart and you won't go wrong.

 

Is what you share with him so far worth fighting for? That's what you need to decide.

 

Oh wow...your experience/longevity on LS has made you very wise and insightful. You have brought up some very important questions and things for me to consider when making my decisions-thank you!

You're right, I'm not totally and completely in love with him and marrying him was settling for being just "happy enough". BUT, I have been committed to our marriage and trying to make it work but it often seems like a losing battle.

 

He is a family man in many ways but not towards his own daughter. He is always speaking badly of her because she got pregnant and didn't finish high school. He is ok toward my daughter now that she is away at college. He is supportive of her continuing her education and I do appreciate that. When she was still at home, he often seemed judgemental of her and of my parenting skills.

 

I believe he has these OW to feed his ego. He wants me to need him but doesn't do anything to take care of me or to foster any interdependence. I live 100 percent like a single woman-work, pay all of my own bills etc. The only thing is...I'm married!

[BetrayedH]

I could be totally wrong but the feeling I get by reading your thread - You aren't totally and completely in love with him, you settled to be 'happy enough' to have someone to grow old with. The thing is, you don't know him that well. yeah you dated for 3 years, but neither of you seem deeply and passionately in love. If you were, all this wouldn't be happening..Meaning he wouldn't be acting weird about moving in with you, prolonging it.

 

How does he treat your daughter? is he a family man? A stand up guy?

 

The first year of marriage and you two are apart much of the time, he hasn't been a husband to you, you two haven't bonded. Why is he texting OW? Is he lonely? is it ego feed? Was the marriage a mistake? Find out why and go from there.

Don't freak out about it to him, just be honest.. Speak from your heart and you won't go wrong.

 

Is what you share with him so far worth fighting for? That's what you need to decide.

 

This is a great post.