Need Validation

[crazykat73]

I've been married for 8 years, together for 13 years and separated now for 2 years. I am really struggling with guilt and feelings of abandonment on my part as I'm the initiator of this. I am extremely unsure of myself and if I'm doing the right thing by starting to move forward with a divorce. I'm interested to see what "outsiders" think of my situation in a forum type setting. Here's my story: I had the perfect start, dated my English boyfriend for 5 years before marriage. Started as good friends, perfect beginning. There were 2 red flags now that I look back. 1. He was partial to hanging out w/the guys all the time (figured this was ok since we were in our late 20s). 2. He never got too deep, a bit of a surface dweller, but had a good heart and was a solid good guy (maybe a british stiff upper lip thing). I still fell in love with him. Fast forward to getting married. We were happy into our first few years of marriage. Making a lot of money together, traveling, etc. No kids...just having a ton of fun and working hard. We relocated 3 times together for his job and on the third relocation, things changed. We were new to the area/state we lived in and he met a bunch of European friends who were much older than us, but they had lots in common w/my husband. I felt isolated as he grew closer to them. Soon he was drinking at pubs all day watching the game, happy hours grew into late night card playing, etc. I befriended their wives, but we had an age difference and nothing in common, so I felt myself feeling like an outsider, alone in my new state. Long story short, I distanced myself from the group, made my own sporty friends my "healthier" lifestyle. Soon we had seperate friends and activities. Husband started staying out until 4am more frequently with this group (just drinking) and sometimes staying over their house playing cards until 6am, then having breakfast w/them, etc. He always invited me, but I declined as I am not into drinking all night - that's all these guys do is binge drink. My husband who was already a bit of a partier became that much more of a drinker. Not during the week, but recreationally all weekend and one day during the week usually too. I warned him that we were distancing and needed to spend less time with that crew - he wasn't ready to accept or listen, so I finally stopped caring and went about my business, letting him stay out all night -didn't care. I accidentally fell in love with someone I work out with who I had a lot in common with. Husband just never wanted to work on things and turned to alcohol and continued hanging out with his alcoholic friends. I felt empty in my relationship, the sex stopped, the connection wasn't as strong any longer and I felt I needed more. I tried to reconcile and during this time, he went to Vegas and did something completely out of character to help his pain of maybe losing me - he hired some girls, tried drugs for the first time and spent thousands of dollars all in one night. He later confessed to me. To somewhat validate his behavior - he was on to me spending more time with the man I worked out with and had some suspicions. I moved out shortly after that, but felt like I abandoned him...he never thought anything was wrong with us, he didnt' want me to leave this entire time, but he wasn't willing to do things to nurture the relationship He was on auto pilot I felt. I left him and still feel guilty 2 years later. I am still with the man I fell in love with that I work out with...he has no kids, is my age and just wants me and to move forward, but me staying seperated is eating him up and now he is thinking of leaving me if I can't put closure on my marriage. I am stuck in this strange limbo/purgatory. I get along great with my husband although we're seperated, but I am in love with the new man I've been with for 2 years....I am scared to move on, fearful that I'm ending my marriage...I always fantasize about reconciliation....husband doesn't want to face divorce either, but we're not in love and he even has a girlfriend...we're just stuck in this awful place. I feel paralyzed. He never did anything too wrong in our marriage..he was a good man, but just a party boy. I feel so awful for not staying and trying harder. It's as if I grew up and he didn't and now I need different things...am I selfish? Looking for validation....what are thoughts out there? I am not a quitter and this is eating me up.

Edited November 12, 2012 by crazykat73
wanted to add more

[KraftDinner]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You are obviously very conflicted.

 

Can you clarify a couple things?

 

- what do you mean by 'he hired some girls' - hookers? Did he have sex with them?

 

- what keeps you from moving on? Is it guilt? Are you really in love with your new guy?

[Balzac]

" He never did anything too wrong in our marriage..he was a good man, but just a party boy."

 

My take is that you minimize his addiction.

[KraftDinner]

" He never did anything too wrong in our marriage..he was a good man, but just a party boy."

 

My take is that you minimize his addiction.

 

I will add that I agree with this. There is definitely a serious drinking problem at play.

[riverratt]

Sounds like you are blaming yourself for the fail of the relationship..You shouldn't...

 

You do need to move on for yourself. Whether it is with the guy you are with now or on your own. Don't dwell in the past.

 

The guy you are with now should be understanding and if he is wanting to leave he isn't the person for you by want you have posted. If he is wanting to leave because you can't let things go then I understand that. He is wanting to move with his life as well. You may be holding yours and his up.

[crazykat73]

Yes, hookers...but he was so out of his mind, the sex never happened and again, he was extremely hurt when he did this...he thought I was having an affair due to us growing apart. Yes, I can't move on due to guilt...I think back to our marriage and how good it was for several years and feel bad that I am throwing in the towel and not riding it out and staying married. He has admitted that he may not be able to love me the way I need to be loved and that we could be happy ,but maybe not as happy as we need to be. I just feel like I am wanting too much. He is a good man and realizes his mistakes, but I just don't like his circle of friends and I would never be able to pull him away from them...but should friends come between a marriage? He doesn't agree that our friends came between us, but I think it's a major contributor. Plus, the idea of sex repulses me..I feel like we are just family now, like brother and sister...it just breaks my heart. I loved being married to him at first and thought it would last forever. I am afraid to move on with my new guy (not so new anymore)....I am afraid I will be with someone else and grow apart again and be lonely....I am almost 40 and just want my life in order again....I am just paralyzed. Tortured with thoughts of going back to husband to make it work but maybe not as fulfilled...or take a chance and move on. I am so worried I may look back later in life and realize I should have stayed and toughed it out.

[tbleb]

I am so worried I may look back later in life and realize I should have stayed and toughed it out.

 

i'm guessing it's more likely you'll look back later in life and realize you should have left sooner.

 

i'm going through somewhat similar issues (really isn't working; i'm sure after these years of marriage that things aren't going to get better; i want to leave but am crippled with guilt) and it's helping me very much to talk this over with a therapist. we went to marriage counseling a while back, but i realized i was unable to be 100% truthful about everything with my wife present. i've found therapy by myself to be more helpful.

 

in my situation, my doc is helping me realize that the pros of staying are not outweighing the cons. i'm slowly building up the courage to make this move. i'm not there yet, but therapy is helping and soon i hope to have the strength to confidently do it.

[crazykat73]

i'm guessing it's more likely you'll look back later in life and realize you should have left sooner.

 

i'm going through somewhat similar issues (really isn't working; i'm sure after these years of marriage that things aren't going to get better; i want to leave but am crippled with guilt) and it's helping me very much to talk this over with a therapist. we went to marriage counseling a while back, but i realized i was unable to be 100% truthful about everything with my wife present. i've found therapy by myself to be more helpful.

 

in my situation, my doc is helping me realize that the pros of staying are not outweighing the cons. i'm slowly building up the courage to make this move. i'm not there yet, but therapy is helping and soon i hope to have the strength to confidently do it.

 

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation. I, too have been in therapy alone for 2 years. If I may ask, what are your core issues? I've come to a stale mate so to speak with my therapist. Although my post might seem harsh, my husband is a very good to the bones kind of person. He is a good person that has made some poor decisions like drinking too much on occasion and being selfish and a little too independent and not team oriented in our marriage. I am a romantic which he never was, which I was willing to overlook. I have secretly always wanted more...I look at other couples and envy their intimacy. Instead of my husband initiating it, I am always the one to put my arm around him and act affectionate. He truly doesn't need my nurturing, hand holding, or a need to talk about deep topics. He is always speeding me up and telling me to get the point, doesn't need couples nights...he truly is too light hearted and surface dwelling to a fault...but at the same time, the nicest guy you'd ever meet. We had a lot of fun for years...always happy go lucky, but I have greater needs to have a real connection, not just buddies. To this day, even through seperation, we are still really friendly and jovial....and text daily, but there is no romantic feelings....so much history between us and he feels so much like family. It really toys with my emotions that I'm giving up a good man who is successful, friendly, easy to live with, just parties a little too much on the weekends....but he says he's just having fun after a stressful week (demanding job). My therapist no longer knows how to make me feel better about my feelings of guilt leaving him.

[crazykat73]

I will add that I agree with this. There is definitely a serious drinking problem at play.

 

I agree that I might play down what could be a larger problem. It's really hard to tell if he has a problem since he is "dry" during the week as he has a pretty senior position at a major company, but come the weekend, he drinks until intoxicated usually...but not sloppy, but enough to alter his personality and get up late the next day which impacted our quality time on the weekend. He never could go home with me. He was never ready to leave when I wanted to go home. We started to take separate cars when we went to parties because I was always ready to leave after a few glasses of wine, and he wanted to be the last one standing....always life of party. I was always hurt that my husband would never escort me home without an argument over it...he started to tell me I was like living with an 80 year old woman and that I was no fun anymore. After separating, and being with someone new, I realize I am not an old woman, rather, I am fun, vivacious and am like most people where I can control my level of drinking and call it quits at the appropriate time. My husband is 43 and just wants to have fun....

[tbleb]

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation. I, too have been in therapy alone for 2 years. If I may ask, what are your core issues?

though i could write pages, it really comes down to these things:

 

-we don't usually agree with how to spend our free time.

-there is a physical attraction issue on my end...her weight has increased greatly. i'm the cook at home, but she often will refuse when i cook healthy--rather get fast food. we've talked about this, but there is no sustained action on her end. i feel horrible that this is an issue, but i can't fake attraction to her! and intimacy is not enjoyable for me. crappy, but true.

-we both want to move, but to different environments (she wants to move where it's warm and sunny, i like the climate where i'm at, with all 4 seasons).

-we often disagree on how to deal with our child.

Although my post might seem harsh, my husband is a very good to the bones kind of person. He is a good person that has made some poor decisions like drinking too much on occasion and being selfish and a little too independent and not team oriented in our marriage.

i hear ya, but "good person" does not equal good mate. but it sure makes it tougher doesn't it? my wife is a good person as well who means no harm to anyone. that does matter to me.

I am a romantic which he never was, which I was willing to overlook. I have secretly always wanted more...I look at other couples and envy their intimacy. Instead of my husband initiating it, I am always the one to put my arm around him and act affectionate. He truly doesn't need my nurturing, hand holding, or a need to talk about deep topics. He is always speeding me up and telling me to get the point, doesn't need couples nights...he truly is too light hearted and surface dwelling to a fault...but at the same time, the nicest guy you'd ever meet. We had a lot of fun for years...always happy go lucky, but I have greater needs to have a real connection, not just buddies.

sounds like you two simply have different needs. no shame in that. but doesn't sound like forcing your marriage would ever fix this issue. guess on my part.

To this day, even through seperation, we are still really friendly and jovial....and text daily, but there is no romantic feelings....so much history between us and he feels so much like family. It really toys with my emotions that I'm giving up a good man who is successful, friendly, easy to live with, just parties a little too much on the weekends....but he says he's just having fun after a stressful week (demanding job). My therapist no longer knows how to make me feel better about my feelings of guilt leaving him.

i've envisioned divorced life and really think i'd have a great relationship with my wife as co-parents of our child. i could see getting along enough to where folks would wonder why we split in the first place. of course, marriage is more complicated than that though. i'm having the opposite experience with my therapist. not that they are trying to make me feel good about leaving as much as at the end of the session, leaving just seems common sense to me.

 

i had a friend pose the situation differently to me. he said, if my son were in the same exact position, what would i recommend he do. that got me realizing i would advise much differently than i acted myself. even if you don't have kids, try to think on how you'd advise them.