Depressed

[HeavenOrHell]

Finding it unbearable and lonely, we can't move, end of story, but I can't break up with him as I love him.

My depression is bad lately, keep crying, I feel weak, exhausted and this situation is part of the cause.

Some will say our love is not strong enough if we can't/don't move, I always said that wasn't true in our case, but maybe it is, although I think it's more that neither of us are confident, adaptable people, when I was there last my agoraphobia and feelings of home sickness kicked in and that's one of the many reasons I feel I wouldn't be happy if I moved there, I'd also be giving up all my security (not just my home, which I'd never get back, I'd be homeless if me and him split, also leaving behind friends which mean the world to me, I'd be leaving my vocation behind as well) if I move there, if he moved he wouldn't be giving that up, he always said he'd be the one to move as he doesn't have a life there and isn't happy there, (he's a loner, doesn't see friends) but in reality he won't leave his job* and parents.

So we're stuck. I wish I'd never believed him when he said early on he would move, he was so enthusiastic about it, I didn't want to talk about it, but he was insistent, I wish I'd told him to shut up and not promise things he couldn't keep. And I wish I'd not got caught up in it and started to feel hopeful that he meant it, because it's had long lasting repercussions, and now I'm horribly stuck. I should have realised he wouldn't move, things just don't go that way for me, same as the week my ex of 18 yrs said he was leaving me, the same week my best pal who said over and over that she was moving near to me and got me hopeful ever after I said I don't want to get my hopes up, 'oh please be hopeful!' she said, she pulled out that same week, so I should never have been hopeful about my so called partner moving over, things that wonderful don't happen to me.

Seeing him soon, but too depressed to look forward to it, have to come back to my empty house when he's gone.

 

* leave his job, as in look for something else, in his current job 4 years ago, software engineer, he was head hunted and I'm sure he would be again, I don't think the job market has become bad enough since then for him to not find something equally as good. But he wasn't prepared to even look to see what's out there.

I wasn't worth it, clearly.

Edited November 12, 2012 by HeavenOrHell

[spareohs]

I'm so sorry that you're having a really hard time. Have you talked to your SO about how hopeless you're feeling? I don't know what a good solution would be, because as humans, we crave contact with the person we love. It's very hard being apart, and without the light at the end of the tunnel it makes it hard to carry on.

 

I am scared to move as well, but then I remember that in life we don't get any do overs. In the end I think we regret the choices and chances that we don't take. The worst that could happen is you could break up and you'll be in a new place. That doesn't mean that your life is over. You can ALWAYS start over. Loving with your whole heart is important in an LDR, and it means that there has to be some sacrifice. If he's not willing to budge and neither are you, maybe it's best to try and remain friends but look for companionship somewhere else. Probably not what you're hoping to hear, I know. This is really a tough situation.

[Aquamelon]

I can relate. I was told by my bf he'd move to be closer to me from the start and a few months in he told me he couldn't leave family, friends, church, work, etc behind. While it was hard to stick with him knowing that, I decided I loved him and things would work out. In Sept., he told me he wants to move to be with me and apologized for backing out of it before. The thought of moving makes him nervous but when he thinks about not being with me, he can't bear the thought. We then decided we wouldn't bring it up and that we'd know when the time was right. I recently told him I want him to move within the next year. If he didn't move by then I don't think I can continue the relationship. Rightly so, he understands how I feel and agreed to make the commitment before the end of next year. I, of course, have made things easier for him by getting my own place, getting him a job once he's here, and locating his church preference in my neighborhood. All these things he said have been a load off his mind and whenever he thinks about moving now he gets excited and can't wait.

 

I guess what I am saying here is... give it time. I know it's hard. I cried for weeks on end when he first told me he didn't wanna move here. It felt like it was the end of our relationship.

 

Perhaps you can figure out a back-up plan at home should you move with him and things don't work out. Home sickness just can't be helped and neither can missing friends. The way I always thought of that is those people will always be there for you no matter your location.

 

Just ease your mind and focus on what you feel for him. And then make the decision, do you feel you are truly in love with him? If so, are you willing to wait until he gets comfortable with the idea of moving. This could take a long time, how long are you willing to wait?

 

Don't dread seeing him. Look on the positive and don't bring this up while you're with him.

 

I hope this has helped somehow.

[cerridwen]

Finding it unbearable and lonely, we can't move, end of story, but I can't break up with him as I love him.

My depression is bad lately, keep crying, I feel weak, exhausted and this situation is part of the cause.

Some will say our love is not strong enough if we can't/don't move, I always said that wasn't true in our case, but maybe it is, although I think it's more that neither of us are confident, adaptable people, when I was there last my agoraphobia and feelings of home sickness kicked in and that's one of the many reasons I feel I wouldn't be happy if I moved there, I'd also be giving up all my security (not just my home, which I'd never get back, I'd be homeless if me and him split, also leaving behind friends which mean the world to me, I'd be leaving my vocation behind as well) if I move there, if he moved he wouldn't be giving that up, he always said he'd be the one to move as he doesn't have a life there and isn't happy there, (he's a loner, doesn't see friends) but in reality he won't leave his job* and parents.

So we're stuck. I wish I'd never believed him when he said early on he would move, he was so enthusiastic about it, I didn't want to talk about it, but he was insistent, I wish I'd told him to shut up and not promise things he couldn't keep. And I wish I'd not got caught up in it and started to feel hopeful that he meant it, because it's had long lasting repercussions, and now I'm horribly stuck. I should have realised he wouldn't move, things just don't go that way for me, same as the week my ex of 18 yrs said he was leaving me, the same week my best pal who said over and over that she was moving near to me and got me hopeful ever after I said I don't want to get my hopes up, 'oh please be hopeful!' she said, she pulled out that same week, so I should never have been hopeful about my so called partner moving over, things that wonderful don't happen to me.

Seeing him soon, but too depressed to look forward to it, have to come back to my empty house when he's gone.

* leave his job, as in look for something else, in his current job 4 years ago, software engineer, he was head hunted and I'm sure he would be again, I don't think the job market has become bad enough since then for him to not find something equally as good. But he wasn't prepared to even look to see what's out there.

I wasn't worth it, clearly.

 

I dunno, HOH.

I've known people so devoid of self-confidence if a speeding train was headed right out them, they'd question if it was okay to move out of the way.

Sometimes, it's really not about us but rather it's their deeply-held beliefs/fears they find impossible to overcome.

They become impotent in the face of the self-doubts, and often carry hidden shame as a result.

This doesn't make it less frustrating for you but please don't add to your current state by automatically assuming your worth is lacking.

You're wonderful and loving and for you to stick with him as long as you have, I'm sure your partner is as well.

It sounds like his moving would be the best idea but he's stuck in the fear pit.

 

I'll PM you.

Edited November 12, 2012 by cerridwen

[CherryT]

I'm so sorry that you're having a really hard time. Have you talked to your SO about how hopeless you're feeling? I don't know what a good solution would be, because as humans, we crave contact with the person we love. It's very hard being apart, and without the light at the end of the tunnel it makes it hard to carry on.

 

I am scared to move as well, but then I remember that in life we don't get any do overs. In the end I think we regret the choices and chances that we don't take. The worst that could happen is you could break up and you'll be in a new place. That doesn't mean that your life is over. You can ALWAYS start over. Loving with your whole heart is important in an LDR, and it means that there has to be some sacrifice. If he's not willing to budge and neither are you, maybe it's best to try and remain friends but look for companionship somewhere else. Probably not what you're hoping to hear, I know. This is really a tough situation.

 

HOH, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I completely agree with Spareohs... You can always start over. You said at the end that clearly you didn't think you were worth moving for, but what about him? Is he worth you moving for?

 

I know in our situation, I would be the more likely one to move. I absolutely LOVE my city. My friends and family are here, I grew up in this town... but when I think about living and what's actually best for us, it would probably be his city. We don't live in the same Country, but we're not far from another (only 3ish hour plane ride). I am established where I am. I have a business, I own real estate, etc. But, if this is the greatest love to have come into my life, I will find a way to make it work.

 

Also like another poster wrote, it does take time. I don't think we would move within a year. However, when we are ready I would also be ready for some commitment on his part. It's a give and take... I am willing to uproot my life for him, if he is the one who is willing to commit (for the rest of his life) to me. By then, we would've been together for a few years and we should both know if that's what we want. If not, it was an amazing experience. I think in a LDR you have to progress like a how you would in person. I wouldn't move in with someone in my own city unless I knew he was marriage material and that would be the same as moving to another Country for him. But, at the end of the day I would be willing to sacrifice what I've built here to be with him.

 

Take your time, outweigh whether your fear of sacrifice is worth it, and see if you can meet in the middle somehow.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you everyone, it's helpful reading other people's views/opinions on it.

 

He knows I'm depressed atm, he knows it's partly down to feeling lonely, I've not said I'm unhappy with him/the situation, it's life in general getting to me, he's being really sweet and supportive.

 

If only he was a b*stard, (joke) then it would be easy to walk away, but if I walk away I'm missing out on a beautiful, compassionate soul.

 

I feel like nothing's going right in my life lately, and I think it makes the situation/not being with him worse, or it could be that being in a relationship with someone I'm not with as such is the crux, I'm not sure what's causing what anymore.

 

Yes cerridwen, he's a scared little boy inside. When he was talking about moving over he was hoping to transfer to his company's office in the town nearest to me, but when he was told they couldn't do it he was deflated, although by this time in our r/ship he'd stopped talking about moving over as he'd got scared I guess, so I felt I had to prod him into asking his bosses (even though it was his idea originally). I didn't realise they also have offices in London and that he wasn't going to even ask if that was an option, offices all over the UK in fact, so I just let go of the idea.

 

I'm not on the verge of leaving him, that doesn't feel right, however if it is the main cause of my depression maybe I will have to say to him that I'm not sure I can continue, I don't want to make it into an ultimatum though.

 

Part of me feels I've accepted he's 'chosen' (it's not that straight forward though) his job rather than move, the other part of me wonders if bit by bit I should raise the issue again and see what comes from it, the time doesn't feel right to talk about it again yet though.

 

I think the only way he'd feel able to move is with my encouragement and being there with him every step of the way, we already said before if things didn't work he could move back over there again, I don't think lack of jobs will ever be an issue for him, but like you said, it goes much deeper than that.

[PepperPotts]

HOH, I don't know how to help you because I haven't been in this situation. You may have already tried this, but perhaps you could create a move plan? Find the first step to being together, and do it. In this case, he can't move because he's afraid of leaving his job. This wouldn't be a problem if he found another where you are. The transfer didn't work out, but as you said, software engineers can get jobs.

 

Maybe suggest that you two reopen the move conversation and start looking for software engineer jobs. He can look for a new job without ever telling his current boss he's considering leaving. If he's offered a job where you are, that should take care of a major fear of his, and a major obstacle to your mutual happiness. No decisions would have to be made unless and until he finds a job where you are.

 

Don't give up!! You've made it this far and you can continue to make it! Your love isn't "not strong enough" just because you can't be together right now. Your love is incredibly strong because you still want to be a couple in the way you can be one despite your situation and the distance!! It's going to be ok!! <3

[Ani]

My relationship with my girlfriend was going perfectly fine until she did the same thing too. Led me into believe we were going to move in. I dedicated myself to work 2-3 jobs for an entire year raising up to 50k. For her to decide the day we were going to move in, I drove all the way over there 32 hours, for her to say that she doesn't want to. I was devastated. I cried all the way back home. Returned all the new furniture, the new bed, destroyed the bed sheets she wanted for us, destroyed our engagement ring. I just didn't want anything to remind me of my stupidity.

 

Since then our relationship has just gone down hill and as you already know I'm thinking about ending it.

[cerridwen]

My relationship with my girlfriend was going perfectly fine until she did the same thing too. Led me into believe we were going to move in. I dedicated myself to work 2-3 jobs for an entire year raising up to 50k. For her to decide the day we were going to move in, I drove all the way over there 32 hours, for her to say that she doesn't want to. I was devastated. I cried all the way back home. Returned all the new furniture, the new bed, destroyed the bed sheets she wanted for us, destroyed our engagement ring. I just didn't want anything to remind me of my stupidity.

 

Since then our relationship has just gone down hill and as you already know I'm thinking about ending it.

 

Don't mean to thread jack but sending you a hug.

This was terribly sad to read.

I'm sorry that happened to you. :(

[Ghisop]

Hi heaven! I am sorry that you are feeling this way and I have read a lot of your posts in the past. You have always been really positive about your relationship, and like every relationship there are hard times to get through. You have told me in the past that long distance sucks but if you are in love you find a way to make it work. Maybe there is some middle ground that you guys can find. I have faith that if anyone can find a way to make it work you can

[amayana]

Oh HoH, it saddens me so much to read you're feeling this way. You've been given a lot of great advice by everyone here so that I don't have much to add. I can't even imagine how incredibly hard this must be for you and know that my thoughts are with you and I'll keep my fingers tightly crossed for you!

 

I understand that it must be daunting to leave behind everything you've established in your hometown so far. But you could look at moving to your SO's place as a fresh start. It is always difficult to build something up. You'd have to start from scratch but at least you would know someone in your new surroundings and that is your SO. I'm certain you'd be able to make friends quickly too, you seem like such a warm-hearted person. And if things would go wrong with your partner you could always move back. I'm sure your friends and family would let you crash at their place if you didn't find a place to stay straight away. It wouldn't be great of course but it's up to you to decide if it's worth taking the risk. And, who knows, maybe you would even want to stay in the new town. I know it is completely different to your situation but I know how crazy and scary it is to move to a new place. I didn't always live in the UK and I only see my family and friends a couple of times a year. I made new friends, though! My family is naturally irreplaceable but I skype them every once in a while

 

If moving for you is absolutely no option, you could try help your partner to find a new job in your area. You said he isn't happy where he lives and I guess you are happy where you are now. It does seem unfair you'd have to be the one to move. Like others said, it sounds to me like something is holding him back. Probably fear and anxiety! I deeply feel in my heart that this will work out for you and don't let anyone tell you that your love isn't strong enough just because your moving situation isn't clear! That's a very black-and-white way of thinking, IMO!

Edited November 14, 2012 by amayana

[Ani]

HOH, I am a Software engineer just like your boyfriend and let me tell you something. It is hard to get a job in the field here in the United States. There are many other people who are wanting to get a job in the field. What I would recommend your boyfriend to look at is freelancers.com it's a site were you bid to get a job. At times you can win up to 200 dollars per software up to 5k each software. I have made a few grand in 2 months thanks to that website. It's just something he could use while he's looking for a job here. Tell him it's basically the ebay version of programming jobs. Where you're bidding to do a project for a company or an individual.

 

It is something he can look at.

Edited November 14, 2012 by Ani

[LittleTiger]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough time again HOH. Your situation isn't an easy one. I'm sure your partner had every intention of moving when he first talked about it, but things change, and you can only base real life decisions on the here and now.

 

Perhaps the adrenalin and excitement of things in the beginning gave him Dutch courage (no pun intended!) and then as reality started to hit home he lost his bottle. It can happen to anyone and is even more likely with someone who suffers from any level of anxiety.

 

The job situation in the UK is dire at the moment - whatever field you work in. In fact, anyone who has a job anywhere in the world would be foolish to risk losing it in the current economic climate. So his fear of leaving a good job is completely understandable and has absolutely no bearing on his feelings for you.

 

I am certain that he loves you very much and you obviously love him too. Unfortunately love alone is not enough. If one of you moving is not an option, then you really only have two choices. You can find a way to tolerate being LDR for an indefinite time or you cut your losses and call it a day. I can understand how painful it is for you if you feel those are your only choices, but it sounds as though the time has come to pick the lesser of two evils.

 

(((HOH))) I do hope you feel a little more positive soon.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Try to do some things that would shift your attention from the problem that you are suffering right now.

[ana0pera]

HOH, I am really sorry about your situation and the feeling of depression that it's causing. It's an absolute nightmare, and there's no point sugar-coating it, it's hard to stay positive in your situation. I don't know if the two of you have thought about this, or if it's even feasible, but since there's an issue of him moving to where you are, and you moving to where he is, could you both move to a completely new place? I don't know how feasible this is with your agoraphobia, where the two of you are located and the current distance, plus whether there are any citizenship issues that would also make it a problem. It's just a thought. It could be more high-risk for both of you and could backfire, but it might also be a good compromise. I don't know though, just throwing it out there.

 

It seems like the only solution is that one of you is going to have to adapt, which will be really hard since you said that neither of you are really adaptable people. It seems like he is the one more capable of adapting and has cold feet now. Have you told him how you feel like this isn't going anywhere? what was his response? Have you tried issuing an ultimatum? Can you put a new end date on the LDR or would it be too much wishful thinking?

 

Are you guys actively looking for jobs for him in your area? I think that if he can secure something he'd be more willing to make the move. i know that a lot of software companies will hold jobs for people they want, but I am in the bay area so things might be skewed here relative to the rest of the US/world.

 

Sorry that you are suffering through this right now Stay strong and focus on other, happier, things in your life.