MrVegas Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 This comes from my counselor and it makes perfect sense to me. It explains much of my behavior in the wake of d-day and why the true damage the betrayal did to me revealed itself over the following years. Avoidance, cheap forgiveness, compartmentalization - none of these things work in the long run but we (BS) all seem to take one or more of these paths in our desperate attempt to right our emotional ship. It is what it is and no amount of rationalization can change it. For the BS it's avoidance and denial. For the WS it's manipulation as in the chance to subtly convince the BS to shut up and get over it already. Drifter, I don't disagree with your view but I think your looking at like they are using HB as THE tool to save their marriage instead of one of many. Humping like silverback gorillas wont fix a relationship any more than it will build one. But if they are enjoying the HB alongside some sincere and real attempt to work through the pain, distrust and whole load of other emotions, then it will help out.
Tara247 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 It is what it is and no amount of rationalization can change it. For the BS it's avoidance and denial. For the WS it's manipulation as in the chance to subtly convince the BS to shut up and get over it already. This is why I said it was disgusting. Your cheating partner has an affair, then you bond to him, seeking sex, giving your body passionately, whatever you want to call it. It seems like a reward for the cheater, and desperation for the betrayed spouse. It seems pretty weak on the part of the one that was betrayed.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 This is why I said it was disgusting. Your cheating partner has an affair, then you bond to him, seeking sex, giving your body passionately, whatever you want to call it. It seems like a reward for the cheater, and desperation for the betrayed spouse. It seems pretty weak on the part of the one that was betrayed. Tara, considering you wanted an affair with a MM and was "THIS CLOSE" to doing that, why are you being so judgemental? you've done a complete 180 and sometimes come off really harshly.
Tara247 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Tara, considering you wanted an affair with a MM and was "THIS CLOSE" to doing that, why are you being so judgemental? you've done a complete 180 and sometimes come off really harshly. I'm sorry, but I never wanted an affair. As I made clear in my posts, my married friend had only been married 3 months when he contacted me, he wasn't going to have us both. He would have had to do the right thing and divorce her if he wanted a relationship with me. That had been my stance all along. As far as being judgemental, I just think the HB just sounds sort of ridiculous.
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 How would you know whether you are in denial or not? A BS is in the worst position to judge such things which is why counseling is so important. I agree that it can help a BS through the initial days/months after d-day as a way to cope with the betrayal. But it is just a coping mechanism that provides the BS a way to escape reality. This comes from my counselor and it makes perfect sense to me. It explains much of my behavior in the wake of d-day and why the true damage the betrayal did to me revealed itself over the following years. Avoidance, cheap forgiveness, compartmentalization - none of these things work in the long run but we (BS) all seem to take one or more of these paths in our desperate attempt to right our emotional ship. It is what it is and no amount of rationalization can change it. For the BS it's avoidance and denial. For the WS it's manipulation as in the chance to subtly convince the BS to shut up and get over it already. I agree that counseling helps reveal what really got the couple to a place that one party considered cheating as the solution to the M. Well the truth be revealed? That's hard to say! Hysterical bonding - to me - is just a cover up for what's really happening. Anyone can have sex... Intimacy is dependent on how honest the two people are within the relationship. Without the honesty - it's just sex - same as animals do it = urge - sex. MANY times its a HUGE manipulation designed to control the betrayed. That is an illusion! For me - I gain more clarity when I take the sex out of the equation - HB clouds my best judgment! I need to feel neutral to get a good idea of what's REALLY going on!
Tara247 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 For those of you who think this HB is some magical, mythical thing, go ahead and think that way. I don't think it is.
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 It's a deceitful way to connect. It's physical. I find it holds no value unless there's a deep mental and emotional bond. It's difficult to feel that it's "real" while one person has betrayed and lied - thus, torn down the foundation of the R!
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 That's fine Tara. But, if you actually take time to read the thread, you'll see that HB has helped some. Not all, but some. Anyway hopefully you'll never have to experience it if your future partner/husband cheats on you. 1
Tara247 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) That's fine Tara. But, if you actually take time to read the thread, you'll see that HB has helped some. Not all, but some. Anyway hopefully you'll never have to experience it if your future partner/husband cheats on you. From the way it is being described on here, it sounds a lot like make-up sex. I'm glad it has helped some, I just don't understand how this type of physical act is supposed to help save a marriage after infidelity, or is comforting after a betrayal. Maybe it's just me. Edited November 14, 2012 by Tara247
seren Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Sometimes HB is just sex, sometimes it can feel like the start of a relationship when there are no external pressures just the enjoying of sex for sex sake. If it works then it works, if it is a temporary balm then that is what it is. People do all sorts of crazy things after and during a crisis, maybe for some people HB is simply emotion winning out over rational thought. It isn't sustainable, but it can be the beginning of renewed intimacy. After all the HB comes the figurative smoke afterwards, the hugging, kissing and after sex intimacy is often the most poignant and can be a healing place. Nothing like wild sex for unleashing pent up emotion. As long as it isn't a sticking plaster, hmm maybe it is and it is in place while the hurt is allowed to heal, maybe. I am more the rip the plaster off person, but some need to take it at their own pace. 1
2sunny Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I think of HB as an illusion that two people are connecting again. Without truth between two people - and growing to become stronger and MORE emotionally connected - there's always going to be that barrier that sets them apart in a divisive way, thus creating the illusion that they are close again. Dishonest driving force in affairs too.
thomasb Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 HB for us was several months of making love and rediscovering every inch of my wife. Both inside and out. It was a joy for us both to reclaim the closeness and intimacy of our marriage as a whole. It was a circling of the wagons, a renewal, so to speak. And over a decade later we both still feel that way. I have never felt the way I do with my wife since. We lost every inhibition during that time. I had never felt so in tune and close to any person before in my life. And that can be nothing but wonderful for a marriage.:D:D:D:D 3
Tara247 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Have you ever experienced it with a truly remorseful spouse? No? Then you wouldn't know. For me, it was very healing. We were reclaiming each other...I was confused at first, but our Dr. explained that HB is a GOOD thing. Sorry, I think I'll believe my Psychologist regarding whether HB is healthy or not. You're right. I don't know that much about it. So, your spouse was so remorseful. Why did he cheat in the first place?
Tara247 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 HB for us was several months of making love and rediscovering every inch of my wife. Both inside and out. It was a joy for us both to reclaim the closeness and intimacy of our marriage as a whole. It was a circling of the wagons, a renewal, so to speak. And over a decade later we both still feel that way. I have never felt the way I do with my wife since. We lost every inhibition during that time. I had never felt so in tune and close to any person before in my life. And that can be nothing but wonderful for a marriage.:D:D:D:D I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why did you cheat then? 1
beenburned Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 thomasb, What you described is exactly what we felt also! 1
Furious Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) I had never heard of the term, hysterical bonding, until our marriage counselor used that term in response to what my husband and I were experiencing. I was in conflict as to what was happening and why we both were feeling this. It wasn't just the sex, it was the cuddling, the laughs and tears, it was shutting everything out except each other. It was talking, and holding each other, it was long sweet kisses and a kind of painless heart surgery that has amazing healing powers. My husband and I both don't like the label of hysterical bonding, we refer to it as Historical Bonding. Edited November 15, 2012 by Furious Correction 4
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 (edited) How'd all cheaters become "husbands" ??? I looked at it as a step we had to take to get back to a level ground where I could make some rational decisions. It's not a healing process for everyone, more of a resetting of the meter back to "normal". And even though it didn't work out us after my wife's A, I don't regret that part of the journey... Mr. Lucky Edited December 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Tara247 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 How'd all cheaters become "husbands" ??? I looked at it as a step we had to take to get back to a level ground where I could make some rational decisions. It's not a healing process for everyone, more of a resetting of the meter back to "normal". And even though it didn't work out us after my wife's A, I don't regret that part of the journey... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, I'm not a Marriage Family Therapist, so I had never heard the term "circling the wagons" before. From what I read on here, it's just intense make-up sex, right? To me, it's just the WS trying to get back into the BS's good graces, nothing more.
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 After reading this thread I think "HB" probably should be taken case by case. I like the questions someone asked, "Have you ever had it with a truly remorseful spouse?" That's seems like a big part of it. Reconciliation takes 2. Sure the heavy lifting is on the WS, but the BS definitely has their own load to carry! You've got to recognize and love your spouse again at some point or things aren't going to get better. It's when BSs give in too early that it can be detrimental. It's so confusing and hard to know what to do when you are fed so many lies. I think drifter has a LOT of regrets about giving in too early so he sees it as bad. 2Sunny I think is pretty jaded as well(just a bit! ), having reconciled only to have him cheat again 10 years later. Anyway, yeah..case by case. 3 words(and a lot of fluff) 3
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Mr. Lucky, I'm not a Marriage Family Therapist, so I had never heard the term "circling the wagons" before. From what I read on here, it's just intense make-up sex, right? To me, it's just the WS trying to get back into the BS's good graces, nothing more. Nor am I a therapist. But I don't think "make-up sex" comes close because HB doesn't, in the case of cheating, really fix anything. It's more like it gets you to a place where things can be fixed (or not!) I understand the difference is subtle... Mr. Lucky
beenburned Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 NH, Good post!! The reason we see such differences about HB is because of the purpose behind the WS's intent. For a WS that is just sorry they got caught, it is nothing more than them trying to reduce the consequences for their cheating. More lies and simply covering their A** until they can come up with a plan. For a truly remorseful WS who loves their spouse, the whole d-day experience was a HUGE wake up call that they were going to lose everything they valued most in life! Up until then they had taken the loving spouse and their marriage for granted. HB is trying to reclaim all the emotion/passion/connection that they had from the very beginning of their marriage. It serves a definite purpose in true reconciliation! 4
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Unfortunately, it doesn't last, so enjoy it while you can. You are going to experience many emotions, this is normal. You need to get in counciling, so that you and your husband can move forward. This should include sex, intimacy, etc. Best of luck.
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