Hysterical Bonding....

[jnel921]

it's been over a month and I can't get enough. Is this a phase? The lack of sex in the past was a big issue between us. Now it seems that he is willing to do anything and everything within his limitations to satisfy me. I have to admit I feel so confused but the sex is almost animalistic. How can I want this man so much? When we are not together is when my mind starts replaying the hurt and we get into the converstaions that make me step away further. He asked me how could I be with him sexually and then have no hope. I told him the same way he slept with that woman and claims he has no feelings for the OW.

 

Does this whole thing make sense?

[BetrayedH]

Your ego has taken a pretty big blow. Being desired and feeling desirable is a way to restore it.

 

I'm sure you also want to reclaim your man and his ass as your own.

 

It is a phase and can last weeks or months. Most research indicates that it has little connection to reconciliation (doesn't mean you are more or less likely to reconcile). Thus, most advice says to enjoy it while it lasts.

[Spark1111]

it's been over a month and I can't get enough. Is this a phase? The lack of sex in the past was a big issue between us. Now it seems that he is willing to do anything and everything within his limitations to satisfy me. I have to admit I feel so confused but the sex is almost animalistic. How can I want this man so much? When we are not together is when my mind starts replaying the hurt and we get into the converstaions that make me step away further. He asked me how could I be with him sexually and then have no hope. I told him the same way he slept with that woman and claims he has no feelings for the OW.

 

Does this whole thing make sense?

 

Yes! And it is completely normal.....and actually a good sign of the health of your marriage and your love for him.

 

Yes, it is primitive, sparked by hormones you have no control over, and is also called reclaiming.

 

However, be honest and forthright in communicating your emotional feelings as this time.

 

Many men equate sexual desire from a woman as love. They cannot help that.

 

Prepare him to be very confused when the anger comes up from your toes one minute, but then you start ripping off his clothes the next.

 

Try to spend as much time as possible together so you do not start to fall of the deep end when apart.

[road]

Hysterical bonding is a normal physical reclaiming of your spouse. HB can last up a week to over six months. Enjoy the feelings without thinking about the HB. Not everyone goes through HB. Though many do.

[aeh]

Three and a half years later and I would still say there is some HB in our marriage.

[drifter777]

Regardless of what others say, hysterical bonding is not a good thing; it's pure avoidance and denial. It's very common and, as you say, desperately passionate since both of you feel your lives are upside down and are trying to make the hurt/shame/pain go away for a while.

 

Deal with the betrayal head on. Go to counseling. You know this is the best path for you but so soon after d-day you are still in shock. Stop the sex and focus on the problem.

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't find myself in denial of anything when I went through it.

 

It was something intensely primitive and just all-over intense. Then punctuated by intense and primitive emotions. It's hard to explain.

 

Not only could I not deny it, I could not deny it.

 

And then the grief couldn't be denied or avoided either.

[whichwayisup]

Regardless of what others say, hysterical bonding is not a good thing; it's pure avoidance and denial. It's very common and, as you say, desperately passionate since both of you feel your lives are upside down and are trying to make the hurt/shame/pain go away for a while.

 

Deal with the betrayal head on. Go to counseling. You know this is the best path for you but so soon after d-day you are still in shock. Stop the sex and focus on the problem.

 

I totally disagree. It bonds the couple again, wakes feelings up and brings the two back to close intimacy. And with that intimacy brings deep and meaningful conversations that start the path to healing and trusting again.

[BetrayedH]

Regardless of what others say, hysterical bonding is not a good thing; it's pure avoidance and denial. It's very common and, as you say, desperately passionate since both of you feel your lives are upside down and are trying to make the hurt/shame/pain go away for a while.

 

Deal with the betrayal head on. Go to counseling. You know this is the best path for you but so soon after d-day you are still in shock. Stop the sex and focus on the problem.

 

Quoted for probably being true.

[BetrayedH]

I didn't find myself in denial of anything when I went through it.

 

It was something intensely primitive and just all-over intense. Then punctuated by intense and primitive emotions. It's hard to explain.

 

Not only could I not deny it, I could not deny it.

 

And then the grief couldn't be denied or avoided either.

 

Another great post.

[jnel921]

The intimacy is helping. I feel he is finding his way back to me into our marriage. He has surprised me so far with his actions. He has said things that I hadn't expected him to say. When we talk he mentions that I may not want stay with him if I feel I cannot get past the hurt feelings. But he wants to know he's tried to make a difference.

 

He does beleive that my HB is associated with love. I told him it was more like lust and the need to leave my mark on him. I continue to go to counseling with him. We have also had conversations about his behavior and our relationship and what we need to do to go forward.

 

I find myself snapping at him at times. Then I find myself with this desire to jump his bones. I should want to run for it. It is very confusing for me. I cry often.

[NotCamelot]

I could certainly be wrong, but I feel the HB is necessary if the couple are going to try to reconcile. It does indeed rebuild intamacy. It also shows the cheater that the BS may still desire them and want them.

 

I think that without the HB, the reconcile would take a lot longer as the intamacy and trust have to be rebuilt. Intamacy is definitely one thing that helps to build trust.

 

And, without trust and intamacy, I don't think you have a marraige at all.

 

I am 6 months past d-day. While the HB has lessened a little, it really has helped me to get through this.

 

So, my 2 cents, (and it's probably worth less than that): Use the HB for comfort and as a healing tool. Whether you reconcile or not, at least the HB will give you some relief from the pain......in small doses, but those doses mean a lot in the middle of the storm you are going through.

[drifter777]

I couldn't disagree with most of you more. There is nothing good about this type of bonding. For the WS it is manipulation and gaslighting. For the BS it is avoidance, denial, and could lead to false forgiveness.

[SidLyon]

My D-day is more than 4 years ago now. The HB went on for about 2 years.

 

It was a very important part of our reconciliation.

 

The "hysterical" part of it has stopped now but we still have the bonding component going.

 

This not only means an active sex life, but intimacy, communication, honesty and much more.

 

For us HB was a life-saver.

 

One last thing is I'm now post-menopausal and pleasantly surprised that everything still works!

[jnel921]

Thanks SydLyon, I agree this has helped as crazy as it sounds. The communication is improving and who knows how this will play out.

 

Drifter, I am not in denial. I know what he did. As hurt and broken as I felt how long should one feel that way? You don't expect the person you love to do these things. When they do then what is the next step?

 

I have always been the type to go with the response and reaction I get. He could have gone nuts, ranted and raved and lied like a dog to cover up all of his tracks. But he started telling me what I wanted and needed to know.

 

For that I am grateful. Something about our marriage brought him to that point.That is what we are exploring.

 

I haven't told him I loved him. I think when I hold him he feels reassured and is happy with that.

 

I can't explain this feeling. I only know that it is comforting.

[mercy]

 

I can't explain this feeling. I only know that it is comforting.

 

I never looked at it as hysterical bonding, never heard the phrase before now. It was such a confusing time for me. I just know, like you, that it was comforting and so much more. It still is, ten years later.

 

To me it was a blessing, a gift. It's what a husband and wife share together, love, becoming one. It was reassuring, it was something real to hold on to. When I felt as if the whole world had gone crazy in those moments it was just us and that's all that mattered. It was real. It was honest and loving and made the pain just fall away. It gave me something to hold on to when the reality of what he had done came crashing down. He'd hold me and all was right with the world.

 

Intimacy, coming together, it's what we both needed and continue to need today.

 

Joy is what we found in those moments. Healing joy. Forgiveness came easy for me. Forgetting took my breath away.

[Tara247]

I find this thread sickening. Why would you want to HB with someone who cheated on you?

[road]

I find this thread sickening. Why would you want to HB with someone who cheated on you?

 

 

Because 78% of marriages survive an affair. HB is a reclaiming by both spouses of each other. A way to healing.

 

Now you response indicates that every affair should end in divorce because you are against HB.

[Summer Breeze]

I find this thread sickening. Why would you want to HB with someone who cheated on you?

 

 

You really shouldn't find it sickening. In all fairness HB is something that happens in lots of Rs. Any time there's a break in an R there's the same type of reaction to reconnect.

[shayla]

I don't know, I'm not sure how I feel about HB because it seems like it's not the intimate, sweet healing experience being described, but just some primal, physical response, hormones screaming....not honesty or intimacy.

I keep hearing people talking about how they got closer and they healed and all that, but it was nothing more than a biological response?

 

Yikes.

[seren]

I mislike the term hysterical bonding, for us it was more like remembering. After D Day love doesn't just fly out of the window for some, I hated what H had done, but still loved him very much. There is a very primal feel to it all, yet it is also touched with poignancy and an overwhelming feeling of clinging onto each other and not letting go and realising just how close you (general) came to losing each other and the sex, lust, love, like and intimacy are all part and parcel of the feelings shared over the time of the relationship. Of course for some this will not happen, but for me and H it was this way.

 

We had been together for such a very long time and aside for 12 months, were still very intimate. loving and hadn't slipped into complacency. Those feelings didn't just vanish because he had an A, TBH D Day was a huge relief. It woke H up and he says at the moment he told me, he had never felt such panic that I might leave, nor such regret for what he had done. We have always turned to each other in crisis, he is my best friend, while a part of me wanted to hate him, the bigger part knew that just wouldn't happen.

 

I have no regrets about our actions since D Day, not one and the intimacy continues, so maybe it is a reconnection, maybe it is hysterical bonding, but it certainly is not disgusting.

[NotCamelot]

 

I have no regrets about our actions since D Day, not one and the intimacy continues, so maybe it is a reconnection, maybe it is hysterical bonding, but it certainly is not disgusting.

 

I don't know if there has been a statement on LS that I could agree more with! Very well said.

[shayla]

Seren, thank you for your post, that makes sense to me now.

[MrVegas]

Of course it's primal, thats the basis for our getting together. It's what drives our desires to find love. And since so often an A takes that raw lust out of the marriage, it is a super important part of the healing. It allows both sides to connect, even when the emotions are on such a roller coaster. It really does show both sides they have a common ground, and can very much help them love again.

[drifter777]

Thanks SydLyon, I agree this has helped as crazy as it sounds. The communication is improving and who knows how this will play out.

 

Drifter, I am not in denial. I know what he did. As hurt and broken as I felt how long should one feel that way? You don't expect the person you love to do these things. When they do then what is the next step?

 

I have always been the type to go with the response and reaction I get. He could have gone nuts, ranted and raved and lied like a dog to cover up all of his tracks. But he started telling me what I wanted and needed to know.

 

For that I am grateful. Something about our marriage brought him to that point.That is what we are exploring.

 

I haven't told him I loved him. I think when I hold him he feels reassured and is happy with that.

 

I can't explain this feeling. I only know that it is comforting.

 

How would you know whether you are in denial or not? A BS is in the worst position to judge such things which is why counseling is so important.

 

I agree that it can help a BS through the initial days/months after d-day as a way to cope with the betrayal. But it is just a coping mechanism that provides the BS a way to escape reality.

 

This comes from my counselor and it makes perfect sense to me. It explains much of my behavior in the wake of d-day and why the true damage the betrayal did to me revealed itself over the following years. Avoidance, cheap forgiveness, compartmentalization - none of these things work in the long run but we (BS) all seem to take one or more of these paths in our desperate attempt to right our emotional ship.

 

It is what it is and no amount of rationalization can change it. For the BS it's avoidance and denial. For the WS it's manipulation as in the chance to subtly convince the BS to shut up and get over it already.