Why still contact with pet names?

[I'm nuts]

I don't get it, (actually I do ) but why oh why?

 

I knew this girl for 6 years, treated her like a goddess, supported her, encouraged her, but could not marry her, even though she wanted to marry me (poor girl:D)

 

Anyways, to cut a long story short I told her this and she looked and looked for someone else on the net and became desperate, cultural and parent pressure adding to her pressure.

 

I knew she was searching, but in the meantime we was in contact LDR. In the summer out the blue she's engaged, wow that was fast

 

As I found she was now engaged out I told her it was time for us stop any contact, my reason was out of respect for her fiance, I gave her my blessing, I was happy she had found what she was looking for, even though she wanted to remain friends, I said it wasn't a good idea as we were more than friends, it was best for both of us to not keep contact.

 

In out last conversation she asked me if she was doing to right thing, I said yes, even though in my heart I knew I would miss her like hell, 6 years is a long time with someone.

 

So I began my no contact, not to heal, even though I was very sad, but to let her start the new chapter of her life. Since then I have made no effort to contact her, she has made her new choice, she is with her new fiance, I can no longer support her, that is his job.

 

But she has now emailed 3 times. She doesn't say much, but she keeps using my pet name, I told her on our last conversation I was no longer her **** (insert pet name) But she still refers to me with this pet name, which basically means I am still there for her, when I'm not.

 

Also in the 3 emails she has used the word happy in all three, she keeps asking if I am happy Why is she so concerned? She has a new fiance, why should she ask if I am happy? Is she really happy herself?

 

I reply with very short answers, I have no reason to ignore her or go strict no contact with her as my circumstances are different to most on here, but now she is engaged, in record time, why does she still contact me and ask if I am happy? I have my reasons, but I' d like to see some other input if possible

[witmadskilllz]

She's testing the waters, want you back, willing to go as far as getting a fiance. Don't take the bait, stick with short clear responses and nc from there on.

[I'm nuts]

Yeah, she wants me back, as in she wants me back in her life, you never realize what you've got until is gone, especially someone who has been by your side for 6 years

 

I'm just waiting for those 3 little words, I miss you .

 

I don't tell her anything about me, just short and sweet.

 

They always come back, they always do.

[CptSaveAho]

Your screen name says it all....

 

Get over yourself

[I'm nuts]

Yes captain

[flitzanu]

you're not doing NC if you keep responding to her emails. you didn't want to marry her, so why are you so concerned with her calling you some pet name?

[I'm nuts]

As I said, I am not doing a traditional no contact, I just told her I will not keep contacting with her, by that I mean, not talking every day etc or initiating contact as she has a new chapter in her life and I don't want to interfere, it has nothing to do with healing, even though it hurts to lose contact with her, I am doing it because I feel it is now the responsibility of her new fiance to support her and encourage her, it is no longer my place I feel.

 

I couldn't marry her, more than not wanting, I care deeply for this girl, we didn't know each other for 6 weeks or 6 months, but 6 years.

 

Why am I concerned? I find it curious, she has got what she wanted, marriage, a new man in her life, I am curious as to why she still calls me by this pet name and still contacts me, I would have thought with her new status she wouldn't still call me this name as it refers to me still being the one to look after and protect her, but I can no longer fulfill this role. She keeps mentioning the word happy, why?

 

My post may come over a humorous and full of myself as cpt said , but deep down it is deep concern for her.

[flitzanu]

Um, she isn't starting this new chapter of her life while you keep your finger on the page. Obviously there was chemistry and both of you keep making it clear to each other, but you "can't" be with her, and therefore she isn't with you.

 

Isn't it selfish keeping tabs on her and staying in contact? Why not let the poor girl move on with her life since you "couldn't" marry her.

[I'm nuts]

I'm not keeping tabs on her. She has contacted me 3 times, I have answered her with very short replies out of politeness and there is no need to slam to door in her face, I don't hate this girl, I care still about her. If she has problems I will then help her if I can.

 

I don't follow her, look at her profiles, call her, I have left her in peace, she has contacted me.

 

When you care for someone you don't just stop caring like turning a light switch on and off, I have left her alone, let her get on with her life. I wish her happiness, hope that clarifies it a little.

[flitzanu]

I'm not keeping tabs on her. She has contacted me 3 times, I have answered her with very short replies out of politeness and there is no need to slam to door in her face, I don't hate this girl, I care still about her. If she has problems I will then help her if I can.

 

I don't follow her, look at her profiles, call her, I have left her in peace, she has contacted me.

 

When you care for someone you don't just stop caring like turning a light switch on and off, I have left her alone, let her get on with her life. I wish her happiness, hope that clarifies it a little.

 

you don't have to hate this girl. she's contacting you, her ex. how would her fiance feel about this? earlier you said out of respect to him and her life you want to "stop talking every day".

 

does her fiance even know she's contacting you?

 

listen, i "get" what you're saying, but step outside of this situation and think about what you're doing and what she's doing.

[I'm nuts]

I really have no idea if he knows, neither do I ask, it's not my concern, my concern is that I don't contact her (initiate), if she contacts me that is between the two of them.

 

At the moment it is just pleasantries, hello **** how are you are you happy.? but using a pet name. That is it.

 

I answer with a simple answer.

 

If she used my real name, and didn't keep asking if I was happy I wouldn't think so much about it.

 

But I will get two things straight, I would never slam the door closed on this girl, we never fought, split up, if this girl is struggling and needs guidance I would help her. Saying that, I wont initiate contact or interfere in her life beyond help.

[flitzanu]

you do understand that this situation of yours is going to drag out indefinitely if you keep this pace?

[I'm nuts]

Yes, I realized that when we had our last major conversation, I knew I would always hear from her, 6 years is a long time, if people fight, argue end up hating each other then I can understand they don't want to talk again. But we never did.

 

I guess once she is married, has her kids, it will become less frequent from her. I really don't have the heart to say, " hey stop contacting me!!" because I don't have no bad feelings towards her.

 

Relationships eh

[Allumere]

Who knows? Really only she does (maybe). Could be she is testing the waters or maybe she simply misses you and the interaction. Doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you from the dating end. 6 years is a long time so there is gonna be a withdrawal. Push comes to show, ask her (in a nice way of course). You can say you aren't comfortable. You can ask if her fiance knows y'all are in contact. Questions are not the devil. What the response is and reaction can be. I understand not wanting to be hardcore NC. I personnally don't believe in NC as a whole..thats just me. As far as the pet name..I don't know, I wouldn't think twice about it. I called my recen ex baby or sweet man and did after the fact (broken heart and all) unless on tilt and opted for first name rather than the more appropriate albiet not to kind adjectivs in my head....I call everyone baby though. Another ex always still calls me beautiful and other pet names....and I know he is very, very happy in his current relationship and I am friends with both he and his girlfriend. Its just a connection point that stuck. Nothing more, nothing less.

[mishy]

just stop with the games and tell her you want her back

 

Life is too short for waiting for her to say the right words

[todreaminblue]

I don't get it, (actually I do ) but why oh why?

 

I knew this girl for 6 years, treated her like a goddess, supported her, encouraged her, but could not marry her, even though she wanted to marry me (poor girl:D)

 

Anyways, to cut a long story short I told her this and she looked and looked for someone else on the net and became desperate, cultural and parent pressure adding to her pressure.

 

I knew she was searching, but in the meantime we was in contact LDR. In the summer out the blue she's engaged, wow that was fast

 

As I found she was now engaged out I told her it was time for us stop any contact, my reason was out of respect for her fiance, I gave her my blessing, I was happy she had found what she was looking for, even though she wanted to remain friends, I said it wasn't a good idea as we were more than friends, it was best for both of us to not keep contact.

 

In out last conversation she asked me if she was doing to right thing, I said yes, even though in my heart I knew I would miss her like hell, 6 years is a long time with someone.

 

So I began my no contact, not to heal, even though I was very sad, but to let her start the new chapter of her life. Since then I have made no effort to contact her, she has made her new choice, she is with her new fiance, I can no longer support her, that is his job.

 

But she has now emailed 3 times. She doesn't say much, but she keeps using my pet name, I told her on our last conversation I was no longer her **** (insert pet name) But she still refers to me with this pet name, which basically means I am still there for her, when I'm not.

 

Also in the 3 emails she has used the word happy in all three, she keeps asking if I am happy Why is she so concerned? She has a new fiance, why should she ask if I am happy? Is she really happy herself?

 

I reply with very short answers, I have no reason to ignore her or go strict no contact with her as my circumstances are different to most on here, but now she is engaged, in record time, why does she still contact me and ask if I am happy? I have my reasons, but I' d like to see some other input if possible

 

 

 

I dont use pet names with my ex and i am not with anyone.....i do find it strange that your ex with a new fiancee would.....I think you should not answer her emails write her a closure email that is in no relation to the emails she has sent.Or, are you holding out for her to come back to you.You do have a reason to ignore her she is with someone else and you dont want her back do you? Give her closure and wish her the best....Why would you continue to want her to write to you and not go no contact?...deb

[CptSaveAho]

Did you even date her or have a relationship with her?

 

Or were you her best friend for 6 years?

[I'm nuts]

Who knows? Really only she does (maybe). Could be she is testing the waters or maybe she simply misses you and the interaction. Doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you from the dating end. 6 years is a long time so there is gonna be a withdrawal. Push comes to show, ask her (in a nice way of course). You can say you aren't comfortable. You can ask if her fiance knows y'all are in contact. Questions are not the devil. What the response is and reaction can be. I understand not wanting to be hardcore NC. I personnally don't believe in NC as a whole..thats just me. As far as the pet name..I don't know, I wouldn't think twice about it. I called my recen ex baby or sweet man and did after the fact (broken heart and all) unless on tilt and opted for first name rather than the more appropriate albiet not to kind adjectivs in my head....I call everyone baby though. Another ex always still calls me beautiful and other pet names....and I know he is very, very happy in his current relationship and I am friends with both he and his girlfriend. Its just a connection point that stuck. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Personally I think she misses me and the interaction as you say.

 

As for pet name, it's not the usual words love, baby, sweety, hun, love, etc, it is a name that has only one meaning, her protector and guidance, she knows full well the significance of using this pet name.

 

Only she knows what is going on her mind, I'm not even going to ask her.

[I'm nuts]

I dont use pet names with my ex and i am not with anyone.....i do find it strange that your ex with a new fiancee would.....I think you should not answer her emails write her a closure email that is in no relation to the emails she has sent.Or, are you holding out for her to come back to you.You do have a reason to ignore her she is with someone else and you dont want her back do you? Give her closure and wish her the best....Why would you continue to want her to write to you and not go no contact?...deb

 

We did have a closure conversation in the summer, I wished her well, gave her my blessing, and told her I was no longer her protector and I would no longer contact her, she cried.

 

When you have cared for someone for so long you can't just turn off those feelings and instincts and just ignore them, we never fought, disagreed on things yes, but fight, no never. That's why it is difficult to just ignore an email that is asking how am I am, she obviously still cares about me and thinks about me, like I do her, it is nothing deep, just what I would call pleasantries.

 

It is much more easier said than done to cut someone you care about out of your life.

[I'm nuts]

Did you even date her or have a relationship with her?

 

Or were you her best friend for 6 years?

 

 

Both

 

Saying that the last year had turned more towards best friends as she knew my responses to her.

 

Sometimes I wish we had a big fight and hated each other

[todreaminblue]

We did have a closure conversation in the summer, I wished her well, gave her my blessing, and told her I was no longer her protector and I would no longer contact her, she cried.

 

When you have cared for someone for so long you can't just turn off those feelings and instincts and just ignore them, we never fought, disagreed on things yes, but fight, no never. That's why it is difficult to just ignore an email that is asking how am I am, she obviously still cares about me and thinks about me, like I do her, it is nothing deep, just what I would call pleasantries.

 

It is much more easier said than done to cut someone you care about out of your life.

 

 

I was with my ex for fifteen years we have three girls together he is with someone else i have never met her and i have not seen him since we broke up and its nearly six years.

 

 

I never use pet names when i speak to him and we have boundaries in place now......i put them there...he is respecting them...he asks how i am going, i ask how he is then i put the girls on....she is still regarding yours and her relationship as current by calling you a pet name that you had while you guys were together.That is not fair on the fiancee obviously he loves her.....

 

 

 

it was actually a relief to let go for me..because it was the right thing for me to do..i just let go of my ex....and it is final.....i understand you are caring about her.....do you think it is more caring though, to tell her to sop emailing you with pet names so she can have that eventual husband who loves her.......or is it you want her back because she is hanging on and you are a bit cut she has a fiancee now and you weren't ready for that?.....deb

[I'm nuts]

Lets say I was surprised, why was I surprised,? because they don't know each other! This guy has met her online, gone to see her, and now engaged in the space of a week, I'm sorry, but I see this as a recipe for a disaster, you can't fall in love with someone so quickly and know someone in a week or so, I have known this girl so long and I know how she is, how she thinks, I think this guy has flashed the cash and sucked her in, I think he has met her on some kind of dating site, god knows. Even in our closure conversation she asked me if she was doing the right thing, I just told her yes. In my heart I thought she was making a mistake, not about the guy, but the speed and the lack of thought.

 

I never showered her with material things as I put little value in material things, but I paid for courses she wanted to do for her career and paid for some medical attention she needed and of course my time. So yes, I was a bit cut at the time, if she said, I've met someone new, then 1-2 years later tells me she is engaged, I would have been happy for her, but to tell you the truth I'm scared for her because she has got engaged I fear out of desperation of being on the shelf, wanting children and pressure from her family, and this guy is going to give her what she wants, lets see.

 

Why is she calling me pet names? Remember I know this girl very very well, he don't yet, I think she still hasn't let go, she still considers me her support, material things make you happy for only a short period of time, but when you lose guidance, encouragement, and support it kind of hits you when it is no longer there after a long time of being there, I am older than both of them, maybe this new guy doesn't fulfill her in that aspect, who knows?, the e-mails to me tell me I might be right.

[Liz2012]

Well it's clear she misses you, and is hoping you're going to reach out and convince her to be back. But you seem to want to analyse this to some other degree and pretend you are doing it for her wellbeing when you simply do want her and just need to talk to her and have a conversation about it all and see what's going on.

 

and she needs to pick.

 

him or you.

 

Feels like you're trying to make this more complex than it is.

[I'm nuts]

I think you're pretty close to the truth there.