Bfoley3251 Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 (edited) After a 5 yr great marriage or so I thought, she tells me 15 months ago that she no longer loves me and wants a divorce. She gave the reasons which I said made cense. Only to find out that there was evidence of another man. Her response was the classic. We are just friends. I counted 10 coincendences that surrounded the both of them but I was out in left field as always. I continued to emotionally make her my punching bag trying to find **** out. We did a dissolution on sept 11 this yr. I still continued to snoop and spy trying to get the closure I so well earned. After countless fights and arguments, I finally found out three days ago that it was all true. She'd has been sleeping with him. Oh and since neither one of us can afford to move, we still freaking live together with the kids. How messed up is that. I still love her with all my heart. I miss her and the Passion and intamacy we shared. When I now look at her, all I see is him sticking it in her and her enjoying it. Sick huh. As she would say, her affair is all my fault and everything about the marriage not working is my fault again. My sadness is still there but the rage and anger are overpowering me now. I'm Italian and if I need to make this scumbag go away, I can and will. Why can't I get over her. Why can't I just stop loving her? and finally, I do want to do the most grusome things to him so he can suffer like he has made me suffer. Edited November 12, 2012 by Bfoley3251 Misspelled word
charlietheginger Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Its aways the guys fualt the wife cheats... Hey thats what the wives that cheat say... Imo as soon as you can get away from her Work 3 jobs if you have to Marriage is over dont even try to save it
pcplod Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Your anger is beyond intense, it is quite evident. You say "As she would say, her affair is all my fault and everything about the marriage not working is my fault again". Are you merely paraphrasing what she has said to you or that you would expect her to say to you? Or are you actually agreeing with her? Whatever may have caused the affair, the person who initiated the actual affair was your wife. The other guy was just that, another guy. It's like in your mind you have instinctively formulated this notion that there was this guy that somehow knew you both and set out to specifically target your relationship with the sole intent of breaking it up. As it is, his motive was really a lot simpler than that, ie. to get his end away, maybe or maybe not with some sort of affinity for the woman in question. It could have been with someone else's wife, or a spinster or a widow. He didn't actually target YOU. He doesn't even know who you are other than the fact that your wife probably has a husband somewhere. Heck, he doesn't even necessarily know that, depending upon how your wife has played this out. She might have told him that you were already separated for all you know. You know that you need to sort your rational mind from your irrational mind over this BEFORE you make a really distressing situation for you an absolutely appalling one. You only have to read stories in the press every day about distressed, estranged husband chose to select the nuclear option out of some perverse notion of what is just. Maybe right now you feel that only right but what about the impact on those you might care about beyond yourself and your wife? I would recommend that you seek immediate help from your doctor or someone else that you feel can help you, that you can confide in. Be aware, though, that if you tell them that you have specific thoughts about how you might actually realise harming him, there is a strong possibility that you will be compulsorily detained under mental health legislation. In any event, it COULD be the best thing that could happen to you, even if you can't see it right now. You need help with managing your own behaviour for your own benefit, even above and beyond for the protection of others. Do yourself that favour. It would be a personal investment. 2
road Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 First thing is do not leave your house. WW will just move OM in and you will not be there to protect your kids from the OM. Also moving out will mess you up legally when it comes time to divorce, CS, and custody. Now if you want to end WW affair get the book Survivng An Affair by Dr Harley. You need to learn how to expose the affair and a lot of other great things. Get this book ASAP ranting here will not help you at all. How did your WW meet OM? Is the OM marriad/GF? How did you find out?
karnak Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Your marriage is over. Accept that. Those kind of things sometimes happen to even the best of people. It's not your fault that your wife cheated. If she was tired of the marriage she only needed to be honest and end the marriage. Period. It was your wife who disrespected the marriage. As other people said, the Other Man is just that... another man. It could be your neighbour, the cable guy or the baker. It was your wife who took the decision to open her legs to the other man. He didn't rape her, did he? Well... it's your fault. And you're not in love with your wife. You're in love with the false image you had of her. If you knew she was capable of cheating you wouldn't have married her, would you?
jimloveslips Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 to get the closure I so well earned Huh? Earned? Move on. And adjust your entitlement attitude. The quicker you do the sooner you can be having another great relationship. Well, better than this one hopefully... But that does depend on you, as much as your cheating better halves...
turnera Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 So you made her your verbal punching bag to get the truth? I take it you're not going in for counseling to see how you contributed to the demise of your marriage... On another note, did you tell her family what she was doing?
Author Bfoley3251 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 To some up everyone's questions and I hope I get to all of them. I lied a lot in our marriage. Nothing major just a lot of little lies that took a snowball effect. It was wrong and I own the wrong I did. No excuses. I was wrong. I did go to counseling for a bit until the counselor said to me that she would not see me anymore until I got over her. The other guy new we were married. He had just ended an 18 yr supposed marriage himself. I made her my emotionally p bag because there were to many coincendences that I wanted answered.
Anoidtoo Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 is she still seeing him? if so, you will have to make the final decision mate.. you cannot keep living life like this. Read my thread, I've put up with living a fake life for 20years and finally I'm releasing myself from it... a bit too late but I'm still alive and I will survive. The kids will be OK, do not put up with it as she will continue to do it knowing that you are a coward and you will not leave. Read my thread: My wife cheated and prefer to live in silence... read everything that many on here have said in order to help me overcome the nightmare.. We are still together but only until next week when we go to counseling then it's over... it's beyond repaid.. Once someone tasted the forbidden fruit and hid it from you.. it means they will never ever turn around to be 100% honest and sincere.. You have to make the right decision and the right choice now....
Author Bfoley3251 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Anoidtoo, Yes she is. She continues to sneak around about it. Our divorse was final on Sept 11, 2012. Yes we still live together because neither of us can afford to move. She at this point is the bread winner. I had to dissolve my company last December due to lack of business. Since then I've started up another business. I've done it on the side most of my life but now trying to go full force. I'm no where near making enough money to even get a 1 bedroom **** hole. It's sad to go from making 6 figures to maybe $100 per month. If I did move out I would have no where to go. I have no family or friends anywhere in this area. Also with no car now I'm kinda stuck and she knows that she had me wrapped around her little finger. If I could just find a backer, my new business would sky rocket and I would then be able to find a small little place for me and my kids. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T SUPPORT MY KIDS. Do you know how that feels?
Nyla Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 If you cannot support yourself or the kids, put the business on hold and get a job until your financial situation improves. Some wives lose respect and start cheating on their husbands, when money is tight. Did your wife mention that as a factor? If she has, please understand that I don't think she was right to cheat because you don't have money. I'm just saying it could be a reason. Cheaters get stuck in the affair fog and rewrite their marital history, in an effort to justify their actions. There is no excuse whatsoever for cheating, even if you told white lies. If every spouse cheated when small lies were told, nobody would ever stay faithful!
BetrayedH Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Anoidtoo, Yes she is. She continues to sneak around about it. Our divorse was final on Sept 11, 2012. Yes we still live together because neither of us can afford to move. She at this point is the bread winner. I had to dissolve my company last December due to lack of business. Since then I've started up another business. I've done it on the side most of my life but now trying to go full force. I'm no where near making enough money to even get a 1 bedroom **** hole. It's sad to go from making 6 figures to maybe $100 per month. If I did move out I would have no where to go. I have no family or friends anywhere in this area. Also with no car now I'm kinda stuck and she knows that she had me wrapped around her little finger. If I could just find a backer, my new business would sky rocket and I would then be able to find a small little place for me and my kids. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T SUPPORT MY KIDS. Do you know how that feels? I almost know how that feels. I suddenly became a part-time single-Dad in an apartment. I'm in a modest two bedroom. The kids have bunkbeds. I am very sadly fortunate that my grandmother left me a modest inheritance. I feel for you. Borrow from what family you can but also understand that her ability to pay and your inability to pay are normally factors in child custody and alimony. In my view, the cost of money takes on a whole new meaning.
Author Bfoley3251 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Money was never the situation. I used to make over 6 figures. I'm now doing what I love. In fact she told me to be a stay at home dad so the girls would have 1 parent there all the time and I could concentrate on working out of the house. I truly believe she has had a mental breakdown. Yes I still love her with all my heart but she is not the same person.
Author Bfoley3251 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I'm sorry about you too. Unfortunately I have no family money. Although I come from a big Italian family, it's like the old days. We have a lot of live but no money. As far as custody and support, we did a dissolution. We agreed that no child support would take place but little did we know it's the law and the father has to pay. Of course I'm in no way shape or form able to pay support. I'm NOT a deadbeat dad. My girls are my world and if I could pay 1 mil I would for them. Kinda sad the little that I do have to pay I can't. This ****ing sucks. Why do humans give up so easily and why must they seek out intamacy elsewhere. What is wrong with people.
BetrayedH Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry about you too. Unfortunately I have no family money. Although I come from a big Italian family, it's like the old days. We have a lot of live but no money. As far as custody and support, we did a dissolution. We agreed that no child support would take place but little did we know it's the law and the father has to pay. Of course I'm in no way shape or form able to pay support. I'm NOT a deadbeat dad. My girls are my world and if I could pay 1 mil I would for them. Kinda sad the little that I do have to pay I can't. This ****ing sucks. Why do humans give up so easily and why must they seek out intamacy elsewhere. What is wrong with people. Honestly, my perspective is that everyone needs (or at least wants) external validation. With a spouse, they are shackled to you and so an affair partner becomes a very attractive option. Some people need it more than others. If a person violates their own standards (and betrays major commitments) to get it, I think they are broken. That probably goes back to their family of origin and has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. Edited November 13, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
Nyla Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Money was never the situation. I used to make over 6 figures. I'm now doing what I love. In fact she told me to be a stay at home dad so the girls would have 1 parent there all the time and I could concentrate on working out of the house. I truly believe she has had a mental breakdown. Yes I still love her with all my heart but she is not the same person. I was talking about your current situation; when you mentioned not being able to support your kids. I think that wives will often lose respect for SAHD's, no matter what they say because many wives subconsciously believe that the man should be the breadwinner. Again, this is not an attempt to insult you. Just giving you a possibility to think about. I have seen the aforementioned situation occur more than once. What signs has she given of a mental breakdown? Suicidal ideation? Self harm? Psychotic behavior?
turnera Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 It's sad to go from making 6 figures to maybe $100 per month. If I did move out I would have no where to go. I have no family or friends anywhere in this area. Also with no car now I'm kinda stuck and she knows that she had me wrapped around her little finger. If I could just find a backer, my new business would sky rocket and I would then be able to find a small little place for me and my kids. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T SUPPORT MY KIDS. Do you know how that feels? No offense, but what you describe is pretty ridiculous. You already lost one business. You lost a marriage. You care SO MUCH about your kids, yet you won't go out and work at Jack in the Box for the next year or so to be able to support them? meh
turnera Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 wives will often lose respect for SAHD's, no matter what they say because many wives subconsciously believe that the man should be the breadwinner. Again, this is not an attempt to insult you. Just giving you a possibility to think about. I have seen the aforementioned situation occur more than once. WAY more than once. If you don't have the money saved to support a family while you pursue the dream, you put the dream back on part-time status while you get back in shape. I'd be guessing this had more than a little to do with your wife being upset with you.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I had to dissolve my company last December due to lack of business. Since then I've started up another business. I've done it on the side most of my life but now trying to go full force. I'm no where near making enough money to even get a 1 bedroom **** hole. It's sad to go from making 6 figures to maybe $100 per month. If I did move out I would have no where to go. I have no family or friends anywhere in this area. Also with no car now I'm kinda stuck and she knows that she had me wrapped around her little finger. If I could just find a backer, my new business would sky rocket and I would then be able to find a small little place for me and my kids. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T SUPPORT MY KIDS. Do you know how that feels? I don't want to pile on but consider this - the dissolution of your marriage wasn't under your control but your approach to your current financial situation is. As others have said, table your current business labor of love and get a freakin' job!!! Lot's of upside to this approach - your own place, out from under exW's thumb and financial control, support for your kids and some measure of self-respect for you. Get some of your swagger back, impossible under current circumstances... Mr. Lucky
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