Lone Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Ok so I really would appreciate any advice/assistance as I know your all a wise bunch and collectively have been through a sh*t load haha. I’ll probably be cracking jokes throughout this little story I'm about to unload on you all but by no means take it as I'm ok with the situation. Truth be told I'm hurting. I’ve never experienced a pain like a love lost. There’s nothing like it. Anywho I'm sure your all aware of this so on with the drama… I have been seeing this girl for about 6 months ish. All the usual stuff. Spend a lot of time together. Laugh, smile, enjoy life. We have NEVER had any what I would call ‘serious’ issues. No physical abuse, no cheating, dishonesty… all the major no-no’s when it comes to a healthy relationships. We recently came back from a trip overseas to visit each other’s families and it was brilliant. We both came back floating on air. Only two weeks later things are more uncertain than they have EVER been. The event that brought all this up: bickering. Little fights over nothing really at all. Where we are going, what we are doing etc. It wasn’t even something that was particularly frequent. It was a bad Friday/Saturday (from my perspective). Anywho, she began retracting a bit which in turn made me feel a little unsettled about the situation as we usually communicate prolifically whether we are in each others company or not. Hit her up about it and she said she just needed some space. Which is cool. I get that sometimes it’s good to recharge the batteries or what have you. My issue is that though I was only made aware of her need for space because she became distant and I had to quiz her about it. if she had come out and just said it I wouldn’t have felt so unsettled and insecure in our relationship. But this is neither here nor there. Anyway, the week went by and we communicated sporadically, not our usual selves to say the least. Then I told her I need some space to think about stuff as she had called me up drunkenly and said about how shes over the fighting etc etc and having a few goes at me. I turned the tables and said I want some time to think after the way she expressed her view of me. Anyway she didn’t like that id wake up to 5 messages saying how the thought of being without me terrifies her yada yada yada. Anyway ignored her for a day then the next day I received a novel of an email. Long story short it described (very nicely) how she wasn’t secure in herself and how she doesn’t know what she wants, she doesn’t like the person she is in a relationship, needs to work on herself so she can be the best person possible for herself and special other. Obviously I was heartbroken. I wouldn’t be writing on here otherwise believe me. We met up for lunch that day. I was smiley and positive, didn’t want to let her know I was hurting so bad. She cried numerous times. I explained that I understand how shes feeling, we have been spending every moment together and have been ignoring other things that should be important to both of us; friends, our own hobbies etc etc. I explained that I care about her deeply and that given the chance we can work on ourselves individually and us together. She was left with the impression that I 100% want to make it work but if its not what she wants I will respect her decision and walk away. We left not really deciding anything. She said she doesn’t know what she wants. Left it for a day then we spoke as we had tickets to a concert which we were both looking forward too. We went. Was a really nice night. Things were back to normal. Enjoying each others company u know the drill. She stayed the night then went out to brunch next day. Then went off with one of her friends. Gave me a lovely goodbye – something akin to what I would expect before this whole mess. Next morning wake up to a text “I feel so weak – I'm so sorry for putting my indecisiveness onto you”. I didn’t reply. Then I get a email with a recipe as I mentioned something previously I had wanted to cook. At the moment, I know I love her and want to fix it. So I'm really torn about my options and have been getting advice from friends and family as I'm a classic over thinker and want to get as many options possible out in the open before I decide on which path to follow. At the moment I am considering two options: 1) Just flat out don’t contact her for a week or so – if she wants space to figure out what she wants then she can have it. but that means no contact from me. She needs to know what life without me will be like. I don’t want to be anyone’s doormat. Have her stay on the weekend. Then go off and us still be in the same situation. If she contacts me I wont reply. I know she loves me and will miss me so I can guarantee I will hear from her. I basically just don’t want to be strung along and then her say nah not gonna happen. 2) I text her saying “well I think maybe I should decide for you – I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me so I'm not willing to do this anymore”. – the intended outcome of this is more of a scare tactic. I can guarantee I will 100% regret this the moment I have sent the text. But maybe it needs to be done as at least I will be getting some control back and she will know I have some self worth at least and know I deserve better. The end goal of this is to get her back. I don’t usually like games but have played it straight and it hasn’t worked. I can either try save face and put it all on the line or continue to speak to her pretend everythings all good and just see how it goes. I realise nothing is guaranteed either way. So if anyone has any advice as to a possible path to go down or think one of the options above is better than the other please let me know. Believe me – this isn’t ideal. I would love to have a chat and see if we can figure it out but this is HER deal and not mine. Its something I cannot fix for her. She knows how I feel, what I want and the lengths I'm willing to go through for her and us. I don’t want to keep saying it as I feel desperate and that is just plain gross. So if you’ve read this far…thank you. If you have any advice… thank you even more. Also sorry about the novel.
venusianx13 Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Leave her with the knowledge that you love her, and want her to be happy, and then give her the space she seems to want/need. It will be one of the most difficult things you've ever done, but in the end, if she comes back to you, you've won. If she doesn't come back to you, she doesn't really love you, and again, you've won (because who would want to invest anything further into someone who didn't love them back?) 1
Author Lone Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Leave her with the knowledge that you love her, and want her to be happy, and then give her the space she seems to want/need. It will be one of the most difficult things you've ever done, but in the end, if she comes back to you, you've won. If she doesn't come back to you, she doesn't really love you, and again, you've won (because who would want to invest anything further into someone who didn't love them back?) Thanks venusianx, So your of the opinion I should call it off with her but leave her with the knowledge that I do care? She already knows how I feel and what I want so should I just go quiet and not reply or contact her for awhile?
venusianx13 Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Well, you wouldn't be calling it off. You'd be leaving the ball in her court. She knows you love her, she knows you want to work things out; okay, reaffirm that to her, once and for all, and then go do your own thing for a while. I understand how much of an oxymoron that probably sounds like for someone like yourself when most likely, much of what you had been doing had revolved around your relationship, but I honestly believe it is the only way to get resolution in the face of uncertainty. If you push someone too much, you will most likely push them away, regardless of their true feelings for you. If you give her space, she'll be able to sort things out, and she'll either return to you or she'll back out completely. I'm not an advocate of game playing, but I do also think that the gift of space you offer to her will make her wonder a bit. Ultimately, though, you'll eventually come out of it with an answer.
Author Lone Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Do you think its possible to send you a private message? somehow? im not sure if these forums allow it?
venusianx13 Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I don't believe you'll be able to send me a PM until after you've contributed 75 posts to the forum. Sharing emails is a no-no, I've read, too. Let me see what I can do... check my profile in a minute, maybe I can add some info there for the time being.
charlietheginger Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 That was a long post i didnt read it all not going to..... Any relationship with that much drama Isnt healthy end it or her end move on
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