Don't know how I ended up here

[Donaghy]

I’m a woman who’s been involved with a MW for eight months now. I’ve dated many women and I can honestly say that this relationship is like no other for me (to say the least.)

 

Our relationship as we know it started in March when she sent me her number via email. We’ve ‘known’ each other since last year as we’re subscribed to each other’s blogs. We’re both artists, so she reached out to me for us to attend art-related events and work together. After a week of light and unassuming communication, we began texting each other very frequently and flirtatiously (often till one of us fell asleep.) I wasn’t sure that she was gay, but she revealed it to me when she told me about ‘a girl that she goes partying with’ every month. As it turns out, this woman was her “G/F” of over a year. Told me G/F lives 5 hours away in another state and described her to me as emotionally needy. She said the relationship was more like therapy than anything else. At this stage, I was mainly interested in hooking up with her so I didn’t really concern myself with any of that.

 

One evening, she told me she had a ‘secret’ and wanted to know that she could trust me to keep it. I agreed, whatever, and that’s when she told me she was married. I thought it was complete bull****, but she told me her life story of how she was born into a fringe Christian cult and has been in this arranged marriage with her H since they were teens (made legal when they were in college.) She always knew she was gay, but there is no way for her to come out without being ostracized by her family and closest friends who are all a part of the cult. She told me the H controls 90% of the finances and everything else is in joint accounts. She says she has almost nothing to her own name and H checks every statement down to the cent.

 

Three weeks later we met in person when she came to my city for dinner/ drinks and a gallery opening. Nothing happened that night unfortunately, as her H called in a rage about why she was out at 2am. She hurried home. Couple days after that she told me her G/F drove up to see her and ‘save their relationship’, and was upset that she ‘went on a date’ with me and communicates with me so much. She said she loved her G/F and didn’t want to lead me on to believing there was something more to our relationship. Said there would never be anything sexual between us, BUT she still wanted to flirt with me. (Weird, I know) I got annoyed by her nonsense and ended all communication with her. During that time she sent PMs to my blog, Facebook, and texted me asking why I’d withdrawn from her. I didn’t answer them.

 

I finally gave in three weeks later by asking how she was after learning she’d been hospitalized. From there, things pretty much picked up where they left off before the ‘breakup’. We went on more dates, had our first kiss, and then our first sexual encounter on her birthday, which she spent with me. The G/F grew more and more jealous our relationship and two weeks later, she ended her LDR with the G/F. We saw each other even more frequently after that. During our hiking trips, trips to concerts/shows, trying restaurants, working in the studio together, etc., I found my feelings toward her changing. At first it was just sex, but I started opening up to her emotionally as we have a lot in common. She asked to meet my family and friends, so I introduced her. She seemed very concerned about my parents opinion of her, to the point of telling me about a dream she had about us all.

 

Problems with her H began not too long after she stopped having sex with him, which she always said she never enjoyed but ‘did it out of duty’. She told me her H began questioning her every time she visited me, reading her phone messages, hovering nearby when she was at the computer, making fake dates/meetings with her and standing her up just so she wouldn’t leave the area. Apparently he is aware that I am a lesbian and ‘feels very threatened by me’. I can only guess that’s because her behavior never changed so drastically when she was seeing her ex-g/f.

 

My major problem with her is that she’s always talked to me about leaving the cult and getting out of her marriage but is dragging her feet about it. Unlike her ex-g/f I never demanded that she do these things for my sake or to be with me. I told her she needs to do it for herself before everything gets exponentially worse. But she attends cult meetings with her H from time to time and whenever she comes back from them, it’s like she feels guilty about everything she’s ever said and done to get out of the movement, and it's back to square one. We had a serious blowout last month when she came over for dinner and she told me that she and her H bought a house. We argued for hours (mostly me yelling at her for being deceptive and stupid). By the end of it was in tears and begged for me to not to leave her. Said he wants to leave him, but it’s not easy since they were pretty much raised together and he’s like a best friend to her. Also she’s on psychiatric meds for panic attacks and confronting him or her family sends her anxiety levels through the roof. We had sex that night and the next day she told me we needed to stop having sex with each other and be just friends. Asked why, she went on about how she needed to be right with God.

 

That didn’t last long at all, as we had sex the next time we got together (and still do now.) She told me she’s trying hard to resist me but she can’t because she’s developed ‘little feelings for me’ and shouldn’t miss me this much whenever we’re apart but she does. Regardless we must continue to call each other friends, because she’s not in a position to be in a relationship. Don't know why she says stuff like that because I never asked her to be in a relationship with me.

 

As the title of my post says, I don't know how I got this far in. It was just supposed to be a fling for me. The push and pull of our relationship drives me mad, yet I don't want to cut her loose. I care for her. Still, part of me wants everything to be a lie and fall apart because it all seems so unreal. Anyone have a similar experience?

Edited November 12, 2012 by Donaghy

[eleanorrigby]

Wow, now even belonging to a cult can be added to the list of excuses MP's have been known to give to their AP's explaining why they can't get a divorce.

[Pierre]

Wow, now even belonging to a cult can be added to the list of excuses MP's have been known to give to their AP's explaining why they can't get a divorce.

 

:cool:

 

In addition:

 

It is standard procedure for MOM and MOW to say they hate having sex with the spouse. Being gay makes this statement much more believable.

 

I suspect this MOW is not leaving the marriage.

 

I also suspect the typical intense brain biochemical changes of affair love also apply here. OP has a very intense change in brain biochemistry.

[whichwayisup]

This MW is never going to leave her husband. She will continue to have affairs, keeping someone on the side to fulfill her other needs.

 

Sorry, but save yourself and stay away from her. She's going to bring nothing but pain into your life. Love or not, this whole situation is unhealthy.

[2sunny]

You know exactly how you got there - you lack a healthy boundary. Work on changing that about yourself.

[Donaghy]

You saw the warning signs but got smart and backed out and then you went bad for another round.

 

It sounds terribly messy and she likes drama.

 

I would think you have two choices, keep seeing her and don't expect anything to change or you need to back out. If the cult like thing is true, you can't fix it or make her get out. That is something she has to decide on her own. You involvement won't help her, it will only add to her confusion and clearly makes the situation with her husband more difficult.

 

I'm curious when someone comes on and says I just wanted sex, I always wonder why one has to pick the most complicated situations, such as someone already committed if they simply want sex. Why not keep in simple and pick someone single and someone who wants the same thing? Are you afraid of commitment or you like putting yourself in high risk situations for that extra thrill?

 

I would like to reiterate that I am not involved with her under the impression that she’d leave her husband for me. Yes, I enjoy spending time with her and yes, I do care for her. However, I’ve always been aware of the fact that a woman like her isn’t right for a relationship; especially as I’d constantly be looking over my shoulder. But for some reason it does bother me that she wants me around but doesn’t want to do anything about her situation. Example: an excerpt from a note MW sent me today following a talk we had last night, where I apparently was harshly criticizing her:

{Donaghy} Please don't push me away. I appreciate you, I enjoy your friendship, but it seems that means nothing to you now. I want you to stick around but you tend to leave when things get too illogical for you. Friendship is not always about what the other person can do for you or even if the other person makes good/bad decisions. It is about being their for them regardless. I can't be honest with you all the time if i have to worry that as soon as you hear something you don't like, you will be gone. That is the only reason i have ever "lied" to you {Donaghy}. And I can't believe you still think I'm straight. You think it's conveinient to be attracted to women when I'm f--ing married? If I wanted convienience I would f--k my husband and not want women. Stop being so f--king close-minded.

I'm never comfortable with our relationship status and I know I'm always on thin ice with you {Donaghy}. That bothers me so much. But I feel like you’re going to push me away eventually but you're going to have to be the one to cut me off. I refuse. If you do I will be very upset, but if you ever decide to give me the time of day again, I'll be here.

 

I do think I avoid commitment; first and third girlfriends mentioned it. Don’t think it’s much of a ‘high risk’ thrill as I’m not afraid of her H. Also, H and I are very aware of each other’s presence in MW’s life, thanks to her. She usually tells him where she goes with me (quick hookups aside.) I’ve never stood face to face with the guy, but I’m quite certain he reads my blog and knows about the activities me and his W do together even when she doesn’t tell him. Unless by ‘high risk’ you mean that he’ll get fed up with everything, take the GPS out of her car, retrieve my address, and come shoot me or set my studio on fire.

 

You know exactly how you got there - you lack a healthy boundary. Work on changing that about yourself.

Perhaps, but this is far from a regular thing for me. She’s the first married woman I’ve ever been involved with. Every woman I’ve been involved with prior to her was completely single.

[veryhappy]

Tell her to let you know if she ever leaves the cult and gets divorced.

 

The pull of a religious cult one grew up is a million times more powerful than a marriage, finances and kids, which are the usual excuses people get and those stop most people anyway.

Edited November 13, 2012 by cutedragon