Could you date someone who was an accomplice to a cheating person?

[kaylan]

EasyHeart,

 

You seem to be having a hard time grasping this. This isnt about what is or isnt property, or what is or isnt illegal. Its about whats right and wrong...its about knowingly causing someone elses harm, discomfort, or pain. This is for a myriad of situation. Stop playing dumb and stop trying to convince yourself its morally ok to sleep with someones bf or gf. If you like to do those things, fine....but most people will tell you youre a sh!!tty person for thinking its just fine and dandy

Now if you were ever to get married and the unmarried neighbor (or your best friend) screwed your wife while you were at work does all the blame fall on your wife?

And remember EasyHeart...your neighbor isnt in the wrong here. Hes single, and you shouldnt confront him about it since hed hold no blame according to you. But in reality we know any many would be livid about some guy seducing his wife and knowing shes married to you.

[Imported]

EasyHeart,

 

You seem to be having a hard time grasping this. This isnt about what is or isnt property, or what is or isnt illegal. Its about whats right and wrong...its about knowingly causing someone elses harm, discomfort, or pain. This is for a myriad of situation. Stop playing dumb and stop trying to convince yourself its morally ok to sleep with someones bf or gf. If you like to do those things, fine....but most people will tell you youre a sh!!tty person for thinking its just fine and dandy

 

And remember EasyHeart...your neighbor isnt in the wrong here. Hes single, and you shouldnt confront him about it since hed hold no blame according to you. But in reality we know any many would be livid about some guy seducing his wife and knowing shes married to you.

 

There is no need to argue. It doesn't really matter what he thinks. What you need to do is recognize women that are like that and don't waste any time with them.

[EasyHeart]

Now if you were ever to get married and the unmarried neighbor (or your best friend) screwed your wife while you were at work does all the blame fall on your wife?

CHEATING WHORE!!!

 

I assume other men all want to sleep with my girlfriend. I can't blame them for that -- she's gorgeous! But she's the one who's promised to be faithful to me, so if she strays then the blame falls on her. I can't really get pissed at other men for wanting to do the same thing that I'm doing.

 

That doesn't mean I'm an idiot, though. If some guy comes sniffing around, I'll make it clear to her that I don't like it and try to scare him off. But the ultimate choice -- and responsibility -- lies with her.

[tigressA]

You can't seduce someone who doesn't want to be seduced. You can't 'steal' someone away from a relationship who doesn't want to be stolen away.

 

Why in the world wouldn't all the blame fall on the cheating partner? They are the one who made a commitment to someone else and the one who chose to break it.

 

I'm with EasyHeart on this one.

[kaylan]

There is no need to argue. It doesn't really matter what he thinks. What you need to do is recognize women that are like that and don't waste any time with them.

Yep. And I imagine itll be a while before I find this girl. Im already picky about what I like, and when you factor in how many people have cheated or been involved in non-remorseful affairs, Im sure I have a small pool of women to select from.

 

Oh wells. Such is life. No use in expecting everyone to take responsibility for their own moral bankruptcy. *kanye shrug*

[EasyHeart]

EasyHeart,

 

You seem to be having a hard time grasping this. This isnt about what is or isnt property, or what is or isnt illegal. Its about whats right and wrong...its about knowingly causing someone elses harm, discomfort, or pain. This is for a myriad of situation. Stop playing dumb and stop trying to convince yourself its morally ok to sleep with someones bf or gf. If you like to do those things, fine....but most people will tell you youre a sh!!tty person for thinking its just fine and dandy

 

And remember EasyHeart...your neighbor isnt in the wrong here. Hes single, and you shouldnt confront him about it since hed hold no blame according to you. But in reality we know any many would be livid about some guy seducing his wife and knowing shes married to you.

I'm trying to get you to think through your ideas more thoroughly. You're very quick to judge and even quicker to name-call, but sometimes it's better to think about things.

 

There used to be laws against "seduction" and they were all rooted in a theory that women were property that belonged to their husbands. That's why I thought it was very funny that your first thought was to compare someone sleeping with your girlfriend to stealing a car. Your thinking is trapped in the 19th (or maybe the 16th) century because we don't view people as property any more.

 

Whether you like it or not, women have brains and free will and they get to make choices. They don't belong to you; they only belong to themselves. If you want your GF to stay faithful, then you need to give her a reason (besides force) to do so.

[Pyro]

CHEATING WHORE!!!

 

I assume other men all want to sleep with my girlfriend. I can't blame them for that -- she's gorgeous! But she's the one who's promised to be faithful to me, so if she strays then the blame falls on her. I can't really get pissed at other men for wanting to do the same thing that I'm doing.

 

That doesn't mean I'm an idiot, though. If some guy comes sniffing around, I'll make it clear to her that I don't like it and try to scare him off. But the ultimate choice -- and responsibility -- lies with her.

 

If I were single I would love to be your best friend. I could sleep with any girl that you have and not get into any trouble for it.

 

IMO it is a lack of respect for yourself if you let any of the involved parties off the hook.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Pyro

[EasyHeart]

I'm not letting anyone off the hook. I'm dumping her cheating ass and I'm not letting you near my girlfriends!

[ja123]

Kaylan, I'm with you on this one.

 

It's not that I wouldn't give someone a chance for having made a mistake, but they'd have to see that there was wrong-doing on their part, own up to it, and feel intrinsically motivated to behave diferrently in the future - not just for me - but more primarily for themselves as they'd not want to break one of their own moral codes that was dear to them.

 

I dated a guy a few months ago and I had a hard time with the fact that he didn't see that he was cheating on his girlfriend when he was sleeping with her mother. He just somehow was able to block the moral questions out of his mind and do it ... for a three year on-going affair when he was in his early twenties. The fact that he was in his thirties and still couldn't see that he had cheated (even though all his buddies told him he was and that the mother's behaviour was even more deplorable) put him out of the LTR category right away for me. Finito.

 

As much as I liked him, he lost my respect, and I get date anyone or feel serious about them if I don't respect them.

[Pyro]

I'm not letting anyone off the hook. I'm dumping her cheating ass and I'm not letting you near my girlfriends!

 

I fail to see how in the hypothetical story about you that the neighbor (or your best friend) was not off the hook for screwing your wife/GF.

 

Care to explain?

[kaylan]

I'm trying to get you to think through your ideas more thoroughly. You're very quick to judge and even quicker to name-call, but sometimes it's better to think about things.

 

There used to be laws against "seduction" and they were all rooted in a theory that women were property that belonged to their husbands. That's why I thought it was very funny that your first thought was to compare someone sleeping with your girlfriend to stealing a car. Your thinking is trapped in the 19th (or maybe the 16th) century because we don't view people as property any more.

 

Whether you like it or not, women have brains and free will and they get to make choices. They don't belong to you; they only belong to themselves. If you want your GF to stay faithful, then you need to give her a reason (besides force) to do so.

And using free will and knowingly causing someone pain, while also disrespecting their relationship, doesnt make the single person not in the wrong just because they are the unattached one.

[sweetjasmine]

If someone doesn't respect other people's commitments, to what degree will they respect their own? If not cheating, can they be stolen where the onus is on you to retain their interest. A losing proposition when people can't hold to the concept of committed relationship boundaries.

 

This is exactly what it boils down to for me. Someone who cheats with a taken person is demonstrating a lack of respect for other people's boundaries and commitments. If they see nothing wrong with it, I wouldn't be able to trust them because they would be showing a willingness to violate boundaries when it's to their benefit. This is the same reason why I subscribe to the belief that you shouldn't keep people in your life who aren't a 'friend' to your marriage.

 

Yes, it's ultimately the partner/spouse's decision to take their pants off, but the OW/OM is just as guilty of disrespecting the established relationship. The OW/OM is inserting themselves into the established relationship, and I find that wrong even if they were invited by the cheater.

[Under The Radar]

I'd look at it on a case by case basis. Has the person learned their lesson, taken ownership, and committed to never repeating said action again? If the answer is yes, then I would have no problem dating that individual.

 

The key question to ask is who are they NOW? Do I think cheating is wrong? Absolutely, but people can and do change. I wouldn't condemn someone for a mistake they made before I met them. That to me is the definition of self-righteous.

 

EVERYONE makes mistakes and has certain regrets in life. In my twenties I viewed things as black or white only; I rarely saw shades of grey. At that time, I viewed ANYONE who cheated or hooked up with someone taken, as an unequivocal POS. With experience, maturity, and time I have expanded my opinions on the matter.

 

Do I think past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior? Sure, in most cases I think it is. However, one would have to be a fool to think that people cannot change.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Training Revelations

[kaylan]

Kaylan, I'm with you on this one.

 

It's not that I wouldn't give someone a chance for having made a mistake, but they'd have to see that there was wrong-doing on their part, own up to it, and feel intrinsically motivated to behave diferrently in the future - not just for me - but more primarily for themselves as they'd not want to break one of their own moral codes that was dear to them.

 

I dated a guy a few months ago and I had a hard time with the fact that he didn't see that he was cheating on his girlfriend when he was sleeping with her mother. He just somehow was able to block the moral questions out of his mind and do it ... for a three year on-going affair when he was in his early twenties. The fact that he was in his thirties and still couldn't see that he had cheated (even though all his buddies told him he was and that the mother's behaviour was even more deplorable) put him out of the LTR category right away for me. Finito.

 

As much as I liked him, he lost my respect, and I get date anyone or feel serious about them if I don't respect them.

Wooooow. I wouldnt give a girl the time of day if she did something like this guy did. I dunno how you ever gave him a chance for even casual dating. You have a tougher skin than I do. And what a terrible parent that girls mother was. Absolutely despicable person.

[TaurusTerp]

And using free will and knowingly causing someone pain, while also disrespecting their relationship, doesnt make the single person not in the wrong just because they are the unattached one.

 

If someone doesn't respect their own relationship why should I? Let's face it - most of us are not so amazing and irresistible. If she wasn't going to cheat with me, she would be cheating with somebody else. There's no relationship to respect.

[kaylan]

^Doesnt mean you werent doing anything wrong. You help cause someone pain, youre just as complicit as the partner. Im wondering if people have done this before and are trying to cop out on responsibility.

 

Lemme put it this way. Say theres a high school...Sandy and Carol are friends. Sandy also has another friend named Jenny. Now lets say Sandy and Carol have a fight, and then Sandy starts spreading rumors about Carol. Jenny helps to spread the rumors and joins in. Jenny doesnt even know Carol...but wouldnt she still be wrong?

 

What if these rumors are serious enough to constitute bullying? We know rumors can cause emotional distress. Im sure Jenny would be in as much trouble as Sandy. So allegiance to someone isnt the question here. The question is whether the actions are wrong and hurtful to being with.

 

Cheating causes emotional distress...and helping to cause such distress makes some in the wrong...doesnt matter what one things about the relationship. Knowingly, and willingly causing someone pain in that way shows low morals and a lack of respect. I understand some folks may feel differently...but the logic doesnt quite add up. But to each their own. Not everyone has the same moral fiber or character.

Edited November 12, 2012 by kaylan

[ffw]

Interesting ideas. Let's take an example. If a wife cheats with an OM (A), how much blame goes to OM (A)? The question mark because if it was not OM (A) it could have been OM (B). How much the responsility goes for both parties: 50-50? Food for thought.

[Pyro]

Interesting ideas. Let's take an example. If a wife cheats with an OM (A), how much blame goes to OM (A)? The question mark because if it was not OM (A) it could have been OM (B). How much the responsility goes for both parties: 50-50? Food for thought.

Also, what if OM A or B is your brother/cousin or a friend that you have known since grade school?

[Under The Radar]

^Doesnt mean you werent doing anything wrong. You help cause someone pain, youre just as complicit as the partner. Im wondering if people have done this before and are trying to cop out on responsibility.

 

Lemme put it this way. Say theres a high school...Sandy and Carol are friends. Sandy also has another friend named Jenny. Now lets say Sandy and Carol have a fight, and then Sandy starts spreading rumors about Carol. Jenny helps to spread the rumors and joins in. Jenny doesnt even know Carol...but wouldnt she still be wrong?

 

What if these rumors are serious enough to constitute bullying? We know rumors can cause emotional distress. Im sure Jenny would be in as much trouble as Sandy. So allegiance to someone isnt the question here. The question is whether the actions are wrong and hurtful to being with.

 

Cheating causes emotional distress...and helping to cause such distress makes some in the wrong...doesnt matter what one things about the relationship. Knowingly, and willingly causing someone pain in that way shows low morals and a lack of respect. I understand some folks may feel differently...but the logic doesnt quite add up. But to each their own. Not everyone has the same moral fiber or character.

 

 

Yes, not everyone has the same "moral fiber", but EVERYONE makes mistakes.

 

I'm just trying to open your mind a little bit. For instance, what if you met a spectacular girl in the future, but she was the OW 10 years earlier. She never actually cheated on anyone (since she was single at the time), but her involvement with a married man is a fact.

 

Fast forward to her meeting of you (years later). She learned from the affair that it is something she would never repeat again. She doesn't condone cheating, she owns her past mistakes, and would never engage in said actions again.

 

This woman is, PRESENTLY beautiful, mature, loyal, honest, intelligent, and fun. You wouldn't date her based on her past? If the answer is no, could you please forward her phone number to me so that I may call her? I'd take her out in a heartbeat .

[ffw]

Also, what if OM A or B is your brother/cousin or a friend that you have known since grade school?

 

Yes, that will bring a whole new dynamics into the picture.

[kaylan]

Yes, not everyone has the same "moral fiber", but EVERYONE makes mistakes.

 

I'm just trying to open your mind a little bit. For instance, what if you met a spectacular girl in the future, but she was the OW 10 years earlier. She never actually cheated on anyone (since she was single at the time), but her involvement with a married man is a fact.

 

Fast forward to her meeting of you (years later). She learned from the affair that it is something she would never repeat again. She doesn't condone cheating, she owns her past mistakes, and would never engage in said actions again.

 

This woman is, PRESENTLY beautiful, mature, loyal, honest, intelligent, and fun. You wouldn't date her based on her past? If the answer is no, could you please forward her phone number to me so that I may call her? I'd take her out in a heartbeat .

I never said people dont make mistakes. Im saying that people shouldnt act like the single person is not in the wrong at all. Im also saying that if someone shows no remorse, than they have absolutely no shot with me.

 

Either way, for me cheating is usually a dealbreaker. Sure people change, but a girl would have to do quite a bit convince me shes a better person now. Throughout my adult hood Ive had strong morals regarding things like this, and it hasnt been hard for me to have them. Which is why I dont think it should be all that hard for others.

 

I see your points, but I do seek a like minded woman. A girl loses nothing by me passing on her. There are guys out there who will accept her.

Interesting ideas. Let's take an example. If a wife cheats with an OM (A), how much blame goes to OM (A)? The question mark because if it was not OM (A) it could have been OM (B). How much the responsility goes for both parties: 50-50? Food for thought.

I dont look at blame in quantifiable amounts. Theres simply total blame to be shared.

[Under The Radar]

I never said people dont make mistakes. Im saying that people shouldnt act like the single person is not in the wrong at all. Im also saying that if someone shows no remorse, than they have absolutely no shot with me.

 

Either way, for me cheating is usually a dealbreaker. Sure people change, but a girl would have to do quite a bit convince me shes a better person now. Throughout my adult hood Ive had strong morals regarding things like this, and it hasnt been hard for me to have them. Which is why I dont think it should be all that hard for others.

 

I see your points, but I do seek a like minded woman. A girl loses nothing by me passing on her. There are guys out there who will accept her.

 

 

Cool, I can respect that. Just remember to forward her contact information to me .

[Els]

When people enter a relationship, they make promises to each other. The rest of us don't make any sort of promises. People have free will. If a married/dating person wants to fool around, it's their choice. No one is making them cheat.

 

Yeah, we'll see if you say the same thing about the guy who fools around with your next gf.

[serial muse]

Not a tough one at all. To me it is the same as if they cheated within their own relationship. If they can't even understand what they did is wrong, then it is even worse and there is something mentally off about them.

 

 

Huh? I think you just agreed with me, actually. That it depends on whether they understand that what they did was wrong. Yes?

[TaurusTerp]

^Doesnt mean you werent doing anything wrong. You help cause someone pain, youre just as complicit as the partner. Im wondering if people have done this before and are trying to cop out on responsibility.

 

Lemme put it this way. Say theres a high school...Sandy and Carol are friends. Sandy also has another friend named Jenny. Now lets say Sandy and Carol have a fight, and then Sandy starts spreading rumors about Carol. Jenny helps to spread the rumors and joins in. Jenny doesnt even know Carol...but wouldnt she still be wrong?

 

What if these rumors are serious enough to constitute bullying? We know rumors can cause emotional distress. Im sure Jenny would be in as much trouble as Sandy. So allegiance to someone isnt the question here. The question is whether the actions are wrong and hurtful to being with.

 

Cheating causes emotional distress...and helping to cause such distress makes some in the wrong...doesnt matter what one things about the relationship. Knowingly, and willingly causing someone pain in that way shows low morals and a lack of respect. I understand some folks may feel differently...but the logic doesnt quite add up. But to each their own. Not everyone has the same moral fiber or character.

 

No, your analogies are terrible because Jenny is actively trying to cause the person they're bullying pain. The Other Man/Woman isn't; they don't care. Yes, I've been in that situation and would again. I'm sorry this other guy got hurt, but I don't know him, will never meet him, what obligation do I have to keep his wife/girlfriend from sleeping around?

 

And if I do turn her away, is she just going to be a good girlfriend from then on? No, she's going to cheat anyway and he'll get hurt just the same. The only variable here is whether or not I have sex or some other guy has sex.