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Could you date someone who was an accomplice to a cheating person?

kaylan

By kaylan
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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Now we have all seen the "Would you date someone whos cheated in the past?" threads. And usually people whove never cheated say "no way"...while those who have slipped up in the past say "I would because because people change".

 

This is a different but similar question. Could you date someone who knowingly hooked up with someone who had a partner? Personally Im leaning towards a strong no...however, if it was something years ago, like in the dumb teenage years, and minor like kissing and no sex, then Id be cool dating the person. And if something sexual happened, if it was much long ago, still in the dumb young years, and a once-off weak sexual moment that the girl regretted deeply...then Id maybe give her a chance and lean less closely to an absolute no.

 

However if a rational adult told me they had an ongoing sexual fling with someone who had a partner, or if they gave me some lame reasons as to why it happened...then theyd have no shot at anything serious with me. I had a girl I liked and dated casually last year tell me about the time she was the other girl. It was a one off fling, but she didnt feel too bad about what she did. She explained it as "We had all this sexual tension and we just had to get it over with". She didnt seem to feel bad for the guys gf at all. Itd be one thing if she got caught up in emotions for the guy...but her reasoning just totally put her in my "FWB only" column.

 

I started thinking about this after I ventured into the "Other Man/Woman" part of the forums. And I was kind of appalled by some of the reasoning, lack of rationale, and selfish behavior I read about. Thats what bothers me about helping someone cheat. To me its almost as bad as cheating, because it shows a disregard for relationships and other peoples feelings. It shows selfishness, disrespect, and low morals. I personally wouldnt disrespect someones relationship, because I wouldnt want it done to me. I know how being cheated on feels, so why would I help bring that pain upon another guy?

 

So as it stands, Im strongly leaning on not dating someone whos ever had something to do with cheating, especially if it was an ongoing affair. Id have a hard time trusting that person and not seeing them as totally selfish...thus having less respect for them. Also, if you cant respect yourself enough not to put up with someone who sees you as only good enough as a side dish....can you blame future prospects for being super turned off by that?

 

Thoughts? And I know people will say, "the past is the past", but we are all (or should all be) rational adults with our own morals and character. And many times past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. For me, strong morals in regards to relationships is very important for me to find in a woman.

Edited by kaylan
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Pyro Established Member

Pyro

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To me it's all about whether or not they feel that they did any wrong and if they have any genuine remorse for it.

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serial muse Established Member

serial muse

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Yeah, tough one. It would definitely give me pause. But I think my ultimate decision would be based on what Pyro said...I believe it's possible for people to change, but that doesn't mean many/most people do.

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Imported Established Member

Imported

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Not a tough one at all. To me it is the same as if they cheated within their own relationship. If they can't even understand what they did is wrong, then it is even worse and there is something mentally off about them.

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threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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This is about a difference in values and what a committed relationship means to people.

 

If someone doesn't respect other people's commitments, to what degree will they respect their own? If not cheating, can they be stolen where the onus is on you to retain their interest. A losing proposition when people can't hold to the concept of committed relationship boundaries.

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EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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That's just silly. If a single person messes around with a married person, the single person isn't doing anything wrong. It's the married person's choice.

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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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That's just silly. If a single person messes around with a married person, the single person isn't doing anything wrong. It's the married person's choice.

Flawed reasoning. Thats like saying, Jimmy stole the car, I was just with him and helped out planning it...but hes the one who actually broke into the car and drove it away.

 

See my point? The single person shows their own character and morals as well, by disregarding someone elses relationship and knowing hooking up with them.

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iris219 Established Member

iris219

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I try not to judge people for past mistakes because 1. Everyone makes mistakes and 2. Sometimes we can’t understand the reasons people make poor decisions because we weren’t in there, in that situation. We only see the outcome, not any of the steps leading to that outcome.

 

I get annoyed with people who are all self-righteous and claim they’d never cheat or they’d never get involved with a married person. Most people don’t know what they’d do given the right situation.

 

If cheating or sleeping with married people was a pattern, that would be a problem. If it happened once and he knows it was wrong, I wouldn’t hold that against anyone.

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EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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Flawed reasoning. Thats like saying, Jimmy stole the car, I was just with him and helped out planning it...but hes the one who actually broke into the car and drove it away.

 

See my point? The single person shows their own character and morals as well, by disregarding someone elses relationship and knowing hooking up with them.

No,in your analogy the married person is the car, which shows that you think of your partners as property, not people.

 

When people enter a relationship, they make promises to each other. The rest of us don't make any sort of promises. People have free will. If a married/dating person wants to fool around, it's their choice. No one is making them cheat.

SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

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No, it falls under the same catogory as cheating. I won't say I would never date a cheater - since people make mistakes but I see it just as cheating. No different in my eyes.

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Imported Established Member

Imported

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I try not to judge people for past mistakes because 1. Everyone makes mistakes and 2. Sometimes we can’t understand the reasons people make poor decisions because we weren’t in there, in that situation. We only see the outcome, not any of the steps leading to that outcome.

 

I get annoyed with people who are all self-righteous and claim they’d never cheat or they’d never get involved with a married person. Most people don’t know what they’d do given the right situation.

 

If cheating or sleeping with married people was a pattern, that would be a problem. If it happened once and he knows it was wrong, I wouldn’t hold that against anyone.

 

So after going over why you think it is excusable,...."given the right situation"....because some people don't have self-control on complex stuff like having sex....what it actually is for you is a numbers situation. You can have one affair, but no more.

iris219 Established Member

iris219

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So after going over why you think it is excusable,...."given the right situation"....because some people don't have self-control on complex stuff like having sex....what it actually is for you is a numbers situation. You can have one affair, but no more.

 

If a man made a mistake and slept with some guy's wife, in the past, and owns up to that mistake, I wouldn't hold that against him.

 

We've all done things we aren't proud of in our lives, and I don't just mean when it comes to relationships. The important thing is that we learn so that we don't repeat these mistakes.

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Pyro Established Member

Pyro

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When people enter a relationship, they make promises to each other. The rest of us don't make any sort of promises. People have free will. If a married/dating person wants to fool around, it's their choice. No one is making them cheat.

 

If someone knowingly gets involved with a married/committed relationship person then they are just as much in the wrong.

 

Its just like an accomplice in a bank robbery who sits in the get away car.

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Imported Established Member

Imported

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If someone knowingly gets involved with a married/committed relationship person then they are just as much in the wrong.

 

Its just like an accomplice in a bank robbery who sits in the get away car.

 

The married person is the money. The accomplice is the car.........who is bank?:confused:

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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If someone knowingly gets involved with a married/committed relationship person then they are just as much in the wrong.

 

Its just like an accomplice in a bank robbery who sits in the get away car.

Why?

 

Like with Kaylan, your analogy doesn't work. In this case, the cheating person is the bank (or the money).

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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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No,in your analogy the married person is the car, which shows that you think of your partners as property, not people.

 

When people enter a relationship, they make promises to each other. The rest of us don't make any sort of promises. People have free will. If a married/dating person wants to fool around, it's their choice. No one is making them cheat.

No the car is the relationship and the true owner of the car is the other maried person.

 

People arent property...so dont even try such a cop out retort. The fact that you see nothing morally wrong with one person knowingly harming another says all one needs to know about your own behavior and your own character.

 

Just because the single person doesnt make promises to anyone else, doesnt mean they shouldnt have common decency. I have morals regarding a lot of things, and it makes me a better person to people in a variety of matters. Do I have to make promises in all of those situations? Or should I just be a good person?

 

You however think its ok to be a crappy person unless someone has an agreement with someone else. Brb, cursing out little kids because I never made an agreement with anyone that I should be nice to children. But guess what? Common decency says you shouldnt just curse people out. Its rude and can be hurtful.

 

Same goes for single people knowingly interfering in relationships

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SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

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The married person is the money. The accomplice is the car.........who is bank?

The person who is getting robbed - the spouse of the married person.

 

 

Is this really even being discussed?

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Pyro Established Member

Pyro

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The married person is the money. The accomplice is the car.........who is bank?:confused:

 

My point is that even though the accomplice didn't take part in the robbing he is still going to be arrested for being part of the whole thing.

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EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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The married person is the money. The accomplice is the car.........who is bank?:confused:
Her husband. ;)
iris219 Established Member

iris219

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Her husband. ;)

 

Then who's the bank robber?

 

This is confusing.:confused::lmao:

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Imported Established Member

Imported

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My point is that even though the accomplice didn't take part in the robbing he is still going to be arrested for being part of the whole thing.

 

 

I was just having fun. I couldn't believe Easyheart said that the married person was the car in his response to Kaylans post.

 

Easyheart, if you and your accomplice robbed a bank and your accomplice shots and kills someone, you will both be charged with homicide. Who is gun?

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EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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No the car is the relationship and the true owner of the car is the other maried person.

 

People arent property...so dont even try such a cop out retort. The fact that you see nothing morally wrong with one person knowingly harming another says all one needs to know about your own behavior and your own character.

 

Just because the single person doesnt make promises to anyone else, doesnt mean they shouldnt have common decency. I have morals regarding a lot of things, and it makes me a better person to people in a variety of matters. Do I have to make promises in all of those situations? Or should I just be a good person?

 

You however think its ok to be a crappy person unless someone has an agreement with someone else. Brb, cursing out little kids because I never made an agreement with anyone that I should be nice to children. But guess what? Common decency says you shouldnt just curse people out. Its rude and can be hurtful.

 

Same goes for single people knowingly interfering in relationships

You don't really grasp the concept of analogy, do you?

 

I'm not the one claiming that people are property -- you did that. Stealing a car is illegal because the car belongs to someone else; it doesn't get to decide who drives it. People -- even (and I know this will be hard for you to believe) women -- have free will and make their own choices. If a married woman chooses to sleep with me, it's her choice. I'm not forcing her to do it. It's a voluntary interaction between two people and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

You can call me all the names that you want, you know I'm right. ;)

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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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My point is that even though the accomplice didn't take part in the robbing he is still going to be arrested for being part of the whole thing.

This exactly. Being an accomplice to a hurtful action makes you just as complicit even if you werent the one in the relationship, or who stole the car, or who evaded taxes, or who kicked the dog. Whatever it is, if you helped out, youre in the wrong too.

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EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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Easyheart, if you and your accomplice robbed a bank and your accomplice shots and kills someone, you will both be charged with homicide. Who is gun?

Oh, I've got the gun. A very big gun.
Pyro Established Member

Pyro

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I was just having fun. I couldn't believe Easyheart said that the married person was the car in his response to Kaylans post.

 

Easyheart, if you and your accomplice robbed a bank and your accomplice shots and kills someone, you will both be charged with homicide. Who is gun?

 

The real question is who is the bullet.

 

If a married woman chooses to sleep with me, it's her choice. I'm not forcing her to do it. It's a voluntary interaction between two people and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

You can call me all the names that you want, you know I'm right. ;)

 

Now if you were ever to get married and the unmarried neighbor (or your best friend) screwed your wife while you were at work does all the blame fall on your wife?

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