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Sitting in a coffee shop, watching a first date (struggling guys take note)

Imajerk17

By Imajerk17
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Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
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I am in a coffee shop enjoying a lazy day, when right next to me is a couple on a first date. The girl is clearly into him so far.

 

How do I know the girl is into him? She is emotionally expressive--through her facial expressions and by her animated gestures--and giggly. Her attention is focused intensely on him.

 

What is the guy doing right? He's coming across as laid-back but quite masculine. There's little extraneous movement and no fidgeting. His voice tonality is low-pitched and his gaze on her is steady but soft. When she is giggling and her face is lighting up, he is smiling but not too much.

 

He is doing maybe 30% of the talking. When she tells a story, if he has a related story from his own life, he shares it. It seems easy for him to do because he leads a fairly interesting life. He isn't saying anything too clever though.

 

Overall, he is grounded, while she is emotionally expressive. Their energies seem to match really well.

 

A Nice Guy would be screwing this up by being too emotionally expressive right back towards her--"mirroring" her too much., e.g., "OMG! That's such an amazing story!"

 

A PUA would be screwing this up by coming across as too gamey and fake. He would be trying too hard to "deliver the knock-out punch" by delivering a clever "banter" line (or even a "neg") or trying to Qualify Her or Elicit Her Values or by being too eager to deliver a DHV Story or something.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 7
carhill Established Member

carhill

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Yeah, I had to learn that stuff because it's not my natural, engaging style. Spot on though. I think back to the first dates I had since my divorce and it pretty much mirrored that stuff, mainly because I really didn't care. Once my natural style leaked out though, interest faded.

 

TBH, I'd rather be alone than purposely abrogate an elemental part of myself to successfully date. I know the young guys have a different perspective but, after a lifetime of it, at my age, there are more important things to do in life than supplicating to what society thinks is normal and attractive. I hope the young couple does well.

  • Like 1
DC4 Established Member

DC4

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Haha this poor couple has no idea some guy is staring at them and taking notes on the internet.

  • Like 8
Imported Established Member

Imported

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Yeah, I had to learn that stuff because it's not my natural, engaging style. Spot on though.

 

I am not like that now without a conscious effort on my part. I was like that in college without trying. I didn't even think about it. I just always got it right or whatever I did was right (even if it was wrong). I think it was because I had a lot going on with a lot of different girls all at once. No one girl was really going to phase me and I was always genuinely happy to be with whatever girl I was with at the time while still being very calm and relaxed.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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When I walk by my local Starbucks, I always look at the singles to see if they are nervous because then I imagine them waiting to meet their online date. Same with couples -- do they look like they've known each other for a while or is this a blind date?

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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What is this supposed to mean exactly?...

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I do this as well. Watch people on dates.

 

Personally, if I was in this girl's position, I would prefer a more expressive guy. Usually guys are expressive and animated and talk a lot when they are into me. I would think this guy didn't like me and it would be a buzz kill. For all you know this guy is not that into her.

  • Like 1
threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Imajerk, nice synopsis of one type of dynamic that does work, including the nice guy and PUA replays. :laugh:

 

But there are other types of dynamics. H and I sizzled with a ton of banter, where he's more of a natural talker/extrovert than I am which is and was a relief. We're both grounded types.

  • Like 1
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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Imajerk, nice synopsis of one type of dynamic that does work, including the nice guy and PUA replays. :laugh:

 

But there are other types of dynamics. H and I sizzled with a ton of banter, where he's more of a natural talker/extrovert than I am which is and was a relief. We're both grounded types.

I was going to add something about dynamics between different people but I couldn't be arsed, so thank you.

 

It's usually at this preliminary stage where one is finding out whether this particular girl responds to your natural dynamic - but in a sense, Imajerk lays out a decent starting point for most guys who do each extreme.

  • Like 3
rocketman122 Established Member

rocketman122

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I watch couples all the time when when im out with my GF. I get my gf in on it too and we try to guess how long theyve been dating and the status of the relationship, and we try to read their body language. you can learn alot about yourself and your relationship with your partner this way. seeing other from the side gives you perspective on how you act.

 

either he's very passive or is playing hardball. maybe he wasnt interested in her or just playing cool. who knows if it was the right way to go about it. I do it a different way & I was always successful. I was kissing the last girl I dated within 10 minutes of meeting her.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted
I was going to add something about dynamics between different people but I couldn't be arsed, so thank you.

 

It's usually at this preliminary stage where one is finding out whether this particular girl responds to your natural dynamic - but in a sense, Imajerk lays out a decent starting point for most guys who do each extreme.

You strike as someone who's more into the exchange of information, where someone who can elicit that dynamic, would be an advantageous element of your attraction paradigm.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but thought I would throw it out, as an observation.

  • Like 1
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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You strike as someone who's more into the exchange of information, where someone who can elicit that dynamic, would be an advantageous element of your attraction paradigm.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but thought I would throw it out, as an observation.

This is pretty accurate actually :laugh:.

  • Like 1
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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You forgot the quiet guy.

 

Does maybe 10% of the talking.

dasein Established Member

dasein

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A Nice Guy

 

A PUA

 

And there's a possibility he used to be the former, then the latter, and as a result has become what he is today.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
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I do this as well. Watch people on dates.

 

Personally, if I was in this girl's position, I would prefer a more expressive guy. Usually guys are expressive and animated and talk a lot when they are into me. I would think this guy didn't like me and it would be a buzz kill. For all you know this guy is not that into her.

Until you learn to reconcile the conflicting needs of having the emotional upperhand (fear of vulnerability and abandonment) and how your attraction is triggered by PUA tactics where getting with a PUA subsequently devolves into a battle for who's got the emotional upperhand, it's going to be difficult to find a long-term partner since trust is a major issue.

 

Once again, this isn't to trash you. They're purely observations.

  • Like 2
fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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I'd bet a dozen donuts that the girl wasn't even into him. Just feigning interest because she's bored and likes going on dates/getting attention...

c57dood Established Member

c57dood

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Am I the only one who is weirded out that there's people watching others out on a date? If I saw some guy constantly looking over at my table when I was with a girl I'd assume he's some pervert or something. Mind your own business!

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted
Am I the only one who is weirded out that there's people watching others out on a date? If I saw some guy constantly looking over at my table when I was with a girl I'd assume he's some pervert or something. Mind your own business!

 

I'm not weirded out at all. Then again, I do frequently do what the OP did either out of boredom or because I hope to glean something from it.

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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Am I the only one who is weirded out that there's people watching others out on a date? If I saw some guy constantly looking over at my table when I was with a girl I'd assume he's some pervert or something. Mind your own business!

Meh, people watching can actually be highly educational :laugh:.

  • Like 1
MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

Posted
Posted

 

A PUA would be screwing this up by coming across as too gamey and fake. He would be trying too hard to "deliver the knock-out punch" by delivering a clever "banter" line (or even a "neg") or trying to Qualify Her or Elicit Her Values or by being too eager to deliver a DHV Story or something.

 

Wrong.

 

(10 characters)

c57dood Established Member

c57dood

Posted
Posted
I'm not weirded out at all. Then again, I do frequently do what the OP did either out of boredom or because I hope to glean something from it.

 

Yes, but you do not understand the dynamic between the couple. Just because the guy isn't saying much and the girl is talking more, maybe that's how they operate. Or maybe they are comfortable in a abnormal way of communication. I don't think these casual observations can reveal the true relation between these two people. Just because the observer is comfortable communicating one way doesn't automatically mean that's how everyone is.

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted
Yes, but you do not understand the dynamic between the couple. Just because the guy isn't saying much and the girl is talking more, maybe that's how they operate. Or maybe they are comfortable in a abnormal way of communication. I don't think these casual observations can reveal the true relation between these two people. Just because the observer is comfortable communicating one way doesn't automatically mean that's how everyone is.

 

Well, I also like to observe dynamics between couples so that when I dream at night about having a girlfriend, I have stuff to pull from...

c57dood Established Member

c57dood

Posted
Posted
Well, I also like to observe dynamics between couples so that when I dream at night about having a girlfriend, I have stuff to pull from...

 

:rolleyes:

Dude, girls are great and all but they're also a big pain sometimes. It's never always sunshine and flowers. Girls will say the same thing about guys because its true. Dynamics between couples is usually a natural thing. Sometimes a talkative girl will compliment nicely a quiet guy, and vise versa. The issue is the OP is projecting HIS natural tendencies onto the guy and there's no way he could know if his personality would fit the girls. His personality might completely turn her off.

  • Like 1
fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted
:rolleyes:

Dude, girls are great and all but they're also a big pain sometimes. It's never always sunshine and flowers. Girls will say the same thing about guys because its true. Dynamics between couples is usually a natural thing. Sometimes a talkative girl will compliment nicely a quiet guy, and vise versa. The issue is the OP is projecting HIS natural tendencies onto the guy and there's no way he could know if his personality would fit the girls. His personality might completely turn her off.

 

I never said it was. I watch whether they're are having a ball or fighting like cats and dogs. It's all interesting to me and is a window into how the other half lives.

 

In any case, I agree that the OP is projecting a bit. And I don't think the date was going quite as well as he thinks it was. Nonetheless, it's not all that bad to observe like he did...

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted

What is the guy doing right? He's coming across as laid-back but quite masculine. There's little extraneous movement and no fidgeting. His voice tonality is low-pitched and his gaze on her is steady but soft. When she is giggling and her face is lighting up, he is smiling but not too much.

 

He is doing maybe 30% of the talking. When she tells a story, if he has a related story from his own life, he shares it. It seems easy for him to do because he leads a fairly interesting life. He isn't saying anything too clever though.

More importantly, is he holding in his farts???
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