winston55 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Was married for 20 years and I guess in a way both of us wanted a divorce. I hung on trying to do the right thing but it finally came about 3 months ago. The first two months were a big adjustment due to financial reasons and this month I'm able to maintain and that's a big relief. I finally got in to the doc's office and was given some meds to help and they are. I started walking again and am trying to do other things to keep me busy. But living in an apartment has its limitations as well as the financials. The problem here is I really don't know what to do. She has always put me down in any endeavor I took part in for over 20 years now so my sense of self is still distorted. We also re-located 10 years ago, and all of our friends were her friends. So, my family and my friends are 8 hours away. I really need to get out and socialize, but this is a very small community so the task is going to be a trial and error approach. In addition to this I had to take early retirement and have more time on my hands than most. I've been trying a couple of different things, but the passion isn't there. I'm still in that transition period and feel like I'm not fully complete as a person yet enough to date. I read where a person has to be happy with themselves and confident in their own lives before getting involved in any relationship. Although my physical needs are driving me crazy, I am not ready even to go there. Also, having been with one for 20 years, It would feel like almost cheating in my mind, or even worse think of her while with the company of another. I know this will change when the timing is right. I found out this week my Doctor has a counselor on staff and scheduled a appointment with them, but it's several weeks away. I hope they will use the cognitive behavioral therapy and not just listen. I'm looking forward to this, since they will focus on my journey ahead. I might be expecting too much to fast . But spending most of my time alone isn't good and now that the finances are getting better, I might be in a better situation to go out more. I may have to start going to places I normally would do at home, like watching a game at a restaurant or sports bar. Or start going to coffee shops, etc. I don't like the idea of going to bars since that's where she spending most of her time for years. She has already started to date and even started a relationship, and had our girls, both grown up, to meet him. She wanted to bring him over to my daughter's thanksgiving dinner with me there. My daughters told her no because they're still adjusting to this. And of course, it's my fault. Heck, the divorce won't be final for another week! Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Mcnulty Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Take it slow. Small steps every day, doesn't have to be anything major, just small steps. Good that you are in line for some CBT, that will help you a lot as it's quite a quick method of re alligning your thought processes. Hey, just because she has started dating, doesn't mean you have to do the same, each to their own. Good that you are aware of your situation and the upcoming hurdles really. You seem like a decent bright guy. There's a whole world of people out there and I know it's a small community, but that may well work in your favour to forming good friendships. You will get there i feel, just be patient and kind to yourself.
pcplod Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 It sounds to me as if you are doing all the sensible things and the one thing that you need you can't buy more of and that is time. You need time to adjust, to heal, to recreate a new life for yourself. As Mcnulty says small steps. Also, crazy as it seems try to convince yourself about some positivity in this. Think of the freedom it gives you at present in terms of setting your own agenda and your own priorities without having to automatically consider someone else. Act selfishly and luxuriate in it while the opportunity offers itself. Also think of creating that friendship ring for yourself that you have always been promising yourself since moving but have never actually got around to for all sorts of obvious reasons. You never know when in the future it might be helpful to you. This is an opportunity, not a loss. Browse Amazon and look for those self-help books that are actually pertinent to your state of mind. Some will actually be used as therapy tools by actual therapists themselves. There is plenty of self CBT stuff out there. Look at the approval ratings of the books and the reasons why people are recommending them. It's not all bunkum. You can maybe give yourself a bit of a head start in the few weeks while you are waiting. Above all, try to like yourself, be kind to yourself. It may be trite, clichéd, but it is a start.
Author winston55 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Thank you for the helpful advice. Throughout the day there are times where bad feelings creep up and I'm trying to learn on how to deal with them. The majority of them seem to happen at night, when I'm bored and feel isolated. So far, I have written down several statements that, I hope, will rationalize the current situation. Such as: I can find someone better, Thank god it's finally over, and my opportunity is coming, etc. So, whenever these negative and self destructive feelings occur, I try to use one or more of the statements- repeating them over and over in an attempt to cancel out them out. So far, they do make it easier to deal with them but don't completely wipe them out yet. Not a bad start. Also, walking a few miles a day does wonders. A natural stress reliever and it gets me out from the apartment. Best of all, it's free. Also, it's a trial-and-error process in dealing with this at night. I found out that certain activities trigger these emotions or allow them to occur. Maybe I'm not fully engaged in said activity and have to try something different. Getting on the computer for me isn't good. Or even watching TV for several hours. Reading an interesting book, or possible writing may help. Something that is more engaging to keep my mind focused to prevent me from getting bored. I noticed that boredom will allow the feelings to crop up and start to cascade into an obsessive cycle that are highly corrosive . This is where the wrath lies. Not good. Whatever I think what she has done in the past or even what she is doing now, should not be of any concern to me. Being married for a long time, this is extremely difficult to do, no doubt. But I have to learn to think that it's finally over and I am in control of my thought processes and on how to deal with the destructive ones from now on. I also noticed that with time, small improvements are starting to occur every day. Again those statements I written down are starting to sink in. This is an ongoing process that will take more time than expected. But never the less, it's a positive path. Being unhappily married for so long, I know this is going to be a better life for me. This also helps in my quest to improve my quality of life. Although it is a slow progression, the transition phase has to occur. For now, I'm getting use to an "ex-free" life and making sure that the other side of marriage will be a fruitful and a gratifying experience. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
pcplod Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Hello Winston Doesn't look like your post is catching the eye. I never know whether it is just the luck of the draw, the time you post it, the lack of a catchy title, you post when a whole lot of other people post, who knows. It sounds to me as if you are tentatively doing all the right sort of things, you just need to do more of it, more enthusiastically. And you almost certainly will because you have started the right way with the right mental approach about giving yourself a chance. Exercise and sport are usually recommended for anyone experiencing a depressing situation. Maybe join a walking/hiking group? Exercise and the release of 'feel-good' endorphins. Work-related socialising? Any opportunities? It is probably important right now about thinking about building friendship relationships because so many of those fall by the wayside, a victim of the sacrifice to marriage, domesticity and parenthood. Maybe it is time to draw up your own five-year plan, either figuratively or even literally. Desired objectives and how you plan to achieve them. I know how easy it is to just drift from one day to the next, merely surviving and it is barely that. There's a need to resurrect the art of dreaming and fantasizing always in moderation, of course. That is my real problem, having lost aim and ambition. Maybe I ought to make that a new-year resolution?
Author winston55 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Yes I agree that the title should have been more dramatic. Oh well, I got what was needed. I just was wondering how others were dealing with "the other side of marriage." You're suggestions as well as Mcnulty were suffice. I just want to go through this the right way. This isn't something to take lightly. I don't want to end up emotionally handicapped and die a slow death because of it. I've seen people within my age group die because they couldn't deal with divorce. I know that having a positive attitude about this and following through with good changes will make me a better person. thank you, and maybe next time I will post, it will be a tad more drama added to it. Take care, my friends
magnoliasoutherly Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Good God I could write a book on this. I was married for 23 years. Most of which was miserable, but I didn't know it. It can truly wreck you. Mostly I felt that I had wasted my life away with that man. I had problems (still do actually and I'm remarried already) with letting my life slip by. A few things to consider. You are not cheating. She isn't yours and you aren't hers. Don't let that interfere. As for thinking of her, it's hard not to. Another thing is comparison, which isn't healthy either. What worked for me was eventually dating the exact opposite of my ex. You do need to get out and socialize, and you're right about not being ready to date, but socializing is a good way to put your toe in the water and see if it's warm or cold. You'll learn what you need to work on. Try not to dwell on the physical needs. Just take care of that yourself. Right now, the world can be your fantasy and there's nothing to hold you back. There is a sex forum here that can help with that and I know of another forum that is good for men in your situation. Not just sex wise but dating when you get to that. It's probably inappropriate for me to post it here, but PM me when and if you're interested. Really though, you sound very in touch with where you should be now and where you're going. You're doing much better than most. You're very adult about it and even the counseling too. It's very impressive.
Author winston55 Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 So far so good, until today. My sister called and told me that it was my fault allowing the marriage and the so-called abuse to continue for so long. No excuse at all. Shouldn't even married her or I should have divorced her long ago. It's my fault to allow such white trash into our family. And they sponge off the system and now, implied, me. Therefore, I'm white trash now. I had to take early retirement so I guess I'm sponging off of the system as well. She said we were not brought up that way, and brought up to work and not rely on gov. support to live. Until I move back to "home", whatever happens from now, it's my fault and nobody else. So don't brother our family until you decide to so. Wow, she always expressed her opinion but not like that. Why should I move back with that kind of attitude, even if she doesn't live there? I will move back when I'm ready. It hurts bad to hear that, especially when I thought I was doing the right thing, at least for my girls. So I decided to delete my facebook account so I don't have to put up with her and expose "our" family and friends about my situation. thanks for reading, for I'm venting and will try to counter this somehow. Just wasn't expecting it.
magnoliasoutherly Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 You can't worry about what she thinks. It doesn't sound like she's nearby and how can you pass judgement on something when you can't see it? She vented, but just let it go. I experienced pretty much the same thing. My mother was furious and said some very ugly things. In the end, it's none of their business. They have no say in the decisions of your life. You have to do what you have to do and that's the end of it. You can PM me anytime if you need to. You're doing good, but don't let anyone make you feel that you're not the one in control of your life.
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