RegularNiceGuy Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Havent been on here awhile. I still browse ocassionally, but I havent needed the forum to vent. I had been doing well, keeping busy. Plus I started having some massive panic attacks and decided I needed to stop thinking about my ex. Anyway, My ex broke up with me last year in early November, so we are at almost a year or so. We last spoke/text in March. Though he tried to reach out to me by phone a few times, it was always at 2 am in the morning, so I refused the phone calls because I knew he was drinking. Anyway, he texted me at 9pm last night and told me he quit his job, packed up all his stuff and is moving to Miami next week (We're from Boston) and he just wanted to let me know. So the barrier was broken. I was pretty upset. I had been doing well for a couple months, not thinking of him, not crying, staying away from everybody associated with him, even my own friends. I knew he was going to leave one day. I wasnt sure if he was already gone or anything. I think the safety of not knowing made it easier for me not to deal with knowing he is gone. So we texted a few times last night. I told him I wish him nothing but the best. Then of course eventually I told him I didnt want him to go and he just said that I was blessed with what I want in life, and hes been wanting to go down there and live for awhile and be blessed with what he wants out of life. It tears me apart that it took 8 years for him to realize that what we had isnt what he wanted. Instead, he wants the drinking nightlife lifestyle that South Beach Miami (the gay district) brings. We spoke of our life together, buying a home in New Hampshire, maybe adopting a kid... and he just turned into this other guy. A guy I knew was in there, but I guess hoped would never come out to this extent. It hurts to know this relationship is truly ended because I always had a sliver of hope that he would realize that we were good together and that drinking and partying wasnt worth more to him than me and the comfort of a loving family. He asked if he could call me later today and I said yea. I figure whats the worst that can happen? Ive already taken a step back. I might as well live with the hurt now, knowing that I may not hear from him for quite a while, or even ever again, than regret not saying a proper goodbye.
Author RegularNiceGuy Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 So I spoke to my ex tonight for well over an hour and we had some heated moments. He basically said that we would never ever be together again because he was so hurt that I didnt go to Florida with him back in October 2011. He felt so lonely and never wanted to feel that way again. So he shut the door on ever getting back together. He admitted he loved me and he missed me but he wasnt interested in ever getting back together and he was just interested in keeping in contact because he cares about me and we were together for such a long time (8 years). So of course I get off the phone and I am crying. You never want to know that a chapter is fully closed. I felt the relationship was completely salvageable because beyond the Florida fight, we had a fairly good relationship. And he admits it, which is why i dont get why he cant forgive me and get over that travel issue we had. So about 10 minutes after we get off the phone, he texts me and tells me to move to Florida with him. Says we can buy a small condo together. WHAT? What the hell is going on with him? What is going through this kids head. He was never the most level headed person. Thats why we were good because he loved my responsible attitude and it complimented his impulsive behavior. But so he says he can never be with me ever again but that we should move together to Florida. I ask him about it and he says he is thinking out loud. I hate having my heart played with. I hate letting him play with my heart. But I hate even more that he shut the door on us ever being together again, given how great we were together.
theLWord Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 This sounds like a lot of confusion for sure. First remember that its been a year since you were together and six months of no contact is a long time. You had to have learned a lot about yourself and the relationship. Do you really think the only reason you two broke up was because he wanted to move and you didn't? Also for him to say you'll never be together then go right back to asking you to move with him..sounds like he still doesn't know what he wants and you are risking your progress some. Has anything else happened?
Author RegularNiceGuy Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Thank you very much for the response. I really need the help figuring this out. Not much has happened since last night. I talked to a friend of mine and shes just as confused, thinks hes messed up and just doesnt know what is going to make him happy. She also said that him shutting the door on the relationship and then asking me to move to Florida makes no sense to her either and he is probably very anxious about going down there alone with no job and limited friends and family, compared to what he has up here. She felt he may end up kicking himself in the ass for going but who ever really knows. She also states that hes gotten chubby and its because hes drinking all the time. That makes me sad, knowing the history of his broken home and his mom and dad being alcoholics. This morning he left me a text that said "I didnt like how the conversation ended last night. Know that despite your requests, I will continue to stay in touch with you. I'm excited and anxious and nervous about moving." I texted him about 30 minutes ago and said Im not sure how to respond and he had every right to feel excited and nervous and its brave to just up and leave. I feel like he is definitely all set with the relationship. I think he blames me for all his unhappiness. I am sure he felt really hurt and lonely when I did not go on vacation with him, but for him to let that be the reason for the end...seems more like an excuse than the reason. Maybe he doesnt really know the reason, he just knows he doesnt want to be with me. I feel bad for him because I think he is impulsive and him moving into an atmosphere that promotes partying and drinking may not be great for him. Then again, he always wanted to live in that area. Maybe he'll get down there and all of a sudden become responsible and be able to live a healthy life. Or hes going to get caught up in the drinking and gay lifestyle and make some rash choices. I know I cant save him. Hes got to go through with whatever is in his head. But do I turn my back on him for my own well being, or tough it out in hopes that he'll see how much I care for him and that Im a good person.
theLWord Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I think he's just keeping you close because you are his comfort. Like you said you can't fix him. I think its rude for him to say he'll keep in contact despite your wishes. That's when I'd block him. You have to keep the focus on you, don't let him just come back in your life without the proper apology even and blame you when he broke up with you for an invalid reason. He didn't do the work in making it right, I would cut contact again. I'm sorry you are hurting..good luck.
Author RegularNiceGuy Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Thanks again. Yeah he texted me and said a part of him wants to ask me to take the drive with him down to Florida on Friday, while the other part of him feels he needs to do it alone. Im just so confused.
Author RegularNiceGuy Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Just to add some more to the story... on wednesday he had texted me and kind of half heartedly asked me to take the drive down to Florida with him, but then said he feels like he needs to do it on his own. I texted him and told him I really felt like he hated me because of how he said we would never ever ever get back together again. He responded with a text which basically said he didnt mean to hurt me intentionally but he just doesnt see us ever getting back together. he said hes in a real good space and he needs to focus on himself and find his happiness in life and where he should be. He told me that he really does love me and doesnt want me to not be a part of his life and wants to keep contact, but finding his happiness is most important to him right now. He left for Miami on Saturday. I havent heard from him since that last text. I cant say anything to him. I guess its nice to hear I love you...but know its not the same way I love him. Guess I can be fortunate it didnt end ugly as some of these relationships do.
Hopeful714 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Your ex is an emotional vampire. Sucking your energy of healing away from you. I agree with the other poster that he is using you for comfort. Maybe you don't mind talking to him, but if was me (who was most likely close to being healed after a year apart)...and my ex called me to come along to "ride" with him to move to miami because he was too scared to go alone Id tell him F-O in so many words. Especially when he's saying "no..we will never get back together." WTF...if that ain't being used I don't know what is. You need to quit being this guy's crutch and help yourself so you are well again....not help an immature man find a party life...and that would be the last thing I say to him before going NC.
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