stay or go ?

[jimperkins]

Found out last Decmber that my wife (married 25 years) had been having an affair with a neighbour for over 5 months. she acted like a total slut, the level of intimacy she shared with him was way more than we ever shared. we are both age 48.

 

i had no idea of the affair as my wife acted normally and thort it was ok to have a ****buddy as she calls it.

 

She has lied & lied and it has taken along time for the truth to come out.

she has done oral sex (swallowed),anal sex and actually crept out of our bed went over for sex then climbed back into bed with me, this just takes the piss out of me. she even went and had sex with him on the day it was our 25th wedding aniversay.

 

after a lot of talking we decided to give it another go.we moved house she has a new job

 

we are now 10 months into building are life together but i just cant seem to get these horrid thoughts/images of them together out of my head.

some days i hate her the other i tollerate the pain.

 

i have attacted the OM 4 times, and he is totally scared stiff that im guna find him one night and kill him, he locks himself in his flat most days. When i acctacked him it didnt make things better as my wife seem to be more concerned with his well being than mine.

 

i have had the police at my house for the first time in my lifeafter the OM made a complaint against ME, he ****s my life up and has the cheek to to make out he is the victim (scum)

i have thorts of killing him and when i see him i give him verbal grief cus i want him to feel the same pain as me.

 

there has been no contact between them as far as i know since she was forced to go and finish the affair with him. my two children 23 +18 had to march her over there to finish it.

 

she wont talk to me about the affair and shows little remorse or empathy towards me.

im not blowing my own trumpet but i have looked after my wife and 3 kids, they have been spoilt some would say she has been a kept woman.she only wks part time.

 

i organise everything hols,nights out,birthday parties. she does nothing doesnt take me to concerts or arrange a meal out, think im a fool.

 

i get the impression that she likes her new life freinds,job and expects me to get over the affair becoase as she says it wasn't all that much and she only slept with him 5 or 6 times. She says she didnt think it would hirt me this much !

 

 

Why cant i make the break, is it cus of the following thoughtds-

if i cant have her he cant

im scared of being lonely

i will not meet anybody else

 

i have days when i feel like just giving up and calling it a day. i have had all sorts of councilling but nothing works.

 

im a mess

i feel humiliated,degraded and dont know what to do.

[Texans23]

Dude, leave. So many more faithful, nice, respectable people out there. Why deal with a slut. She will get what's coming. Just man up, and leave boss. Easier said then done yes. But with her resume right now you shouldn't think twice. Things will get better!

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'm not going to tell you what to do and I never give marriage advice but I feel compelled on this one. I'm afraid this relationship is doomed and here is my reasoning.

 

1,) Over 10 months since the end of the affair and your resentment/anger has gotten worse, not better.

2.) I'm guessing you prob treat her worse than you did before the affair. I know I would, what makes her deserve the best of you?

3.) She shows no remorse. More likely to do it again.

4.) If she did it again do you think you can refrain from harming her/her lover?

 

By you taking her back without her showing remorse and working to fix things, all you are really doing is encouraging her, "it's ok, go have an affair and I'll take you back, I'll continue to support you and be faithful. Even though you don't treat me in the same manner". You must look in the mirror and see a 3 foot tall man, not worthy of anyone better?!? You take her back because you have little to no self worth. She's not doing this to you, you feel like a mess, humiliated, degraded because of yourself, YOU are doing this to yourself not her.

 

Here is what a high value male says/does, "I don't deserve this nor will I accept this type of behavior. Because of your actions you are now evicted from my life. I choose to not have people like you in my life, someone who will lie/cheat. You no longer deserve the financial/emotional support that I bring to the table". This can be YOU, this is YOU if YOU choose!!!

 

She has shown no remorse and couple that with a strained relationship, she will do it again. Why not? It hasn't hurt her yet.

[Liz2012]

I think it's the lack of remorse that worries me. I think that there's enough stuff online that this DOES happen and the couple then gets back together, sometimes stronger because the one that went wayward realizes it was not what they wanted and they had it all, all along. However the extent of this is a bit troubling.

 

That said, I don't know both sides fully.

 

It sounds like she missed having passionate sex. There's no reason you can't have that back in your marraige. Counselling is key here and you will need it together. Otherwise, yes you have to maybe leave and see what action she takes then.

[ReadyforLife]

Wow. I don't normally give advice because my situation is so messed up, but in this case, I feel compelled to. LEAVE! Leave for your own sanity.

 

I will give a little bit of my background. I have been married for 14 years. Also married very young. Several years ago I learned, via his best friend, that my husband had several affairs. He admitted to them and tried to apologize. Within the same 3 month period,one of my parents died. I was a wreck. I had been betrayed and lost my only living parent at the same time.

 

I tried to hold it all together. I ended up seeking solace in internet chat buddies (bad plan)....and ended up having a revenge affair (again, bad plan).

 

My husband reeled over my affair (7 years ago), and he still isn't over it. Unlike your wife, I tried to help. I went to counseling....tried to apologize over and over...asked him what I could do to help him. Nothing has worked. Our marriage is terrible. We have young kids, and I am at the point that I have to leave to keep my sanity. There is no affection from him. He has no physical interest in me. I am only 35, 5'6 and 135 pounds...so no physical reason...it's in his head.

 

Please don't be in my spot 7 years from now. I am afraid you will regret it .

[ilou]

Only 1 post? Are you a troll? No remorse? And still being b*tchy. You have no self respect and cajones. We are taught in life to say we're sorry and she didn't even put on an act.

 

I'm gonna be blunt. Yes, you are a mess. You should feel humiliated. But this doesn't mean you can't fix yourself up. Put down the boundaries. Show her there are consequences by limiting your help, finances and friendship. Your kids are adults so they will definitely be understanding.

Edited November 13, 2012 by ilou

[KatZee]

You need to 180 your wife.

 

If you don't know what that is, please direct yourself over here:

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

If you feel so inclined, I would also sign up with that forum, since they are much better equipped in helping you deal with your situation.

 

Your wife had an affair for 5 months. Disrespected you nightly, and even on your 25th wedding anniversary. To this day she has no remorse, no regret. This tells me she's not really all that interested in you or this marriage anymore.

 

I also wouldn't be surprised if there is still contact between them. Affairs are RARELY if ever over when they are exposed, they are only taken deeper underground.

 

I'm also fairly positive there are things you still don't even know regarding this affair, as cheaters only own up to what is exposed and known. They will never offer up new information-- this is known as trickle truth. As time goes on more and more will start to "trickle out."

 

Your wife is also rug sweeping. Not taking responsibility for actions, making excuses (Well honey it was ONLY 5 or 6 times! )

 

She doesn't seem particularly scared of you, and probably knew you were going to roll over like a dog and take it. She's not doing much in regards to earning back trust, or rebuilding the foundation--- she's still in the affair fog.

 

This is where the 180 comes in. 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. (This is #11 in the BS FAQ link that I posted above).

[KatZee]

Why cant i make the break, is it cus of the following thoughtds-

 

if i cant have her he cant

im scared of being lonely

i will not meet anybody else

 

None of these are reasons in which you should stay in a marriage that is breaking you down mentally and emotionally. Being ALONE will be 100% better than the current situation you're in. Fear of loneliness will almost ALWAYS set you up for being with and remaining with an unsuitable partner.

 

In counseling I hope you are working on YOURSELF, not her, or the marriage. It needs to start with you.

[KatZee]

Check out #13:

 

Q: Should I stay or should I leave?

 

A: Should I Stay or Should I Go...This is not just a song by The Clash. It is one of the first things you think about after d-day. This person who you loved and trusted has betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible. Perhaps you had said or thought "If my spouse EVER cheats, I am GONE!" And here you are confronted with something you never thought would happen to you. What do you do?

 

You deeply love your wife or husband. You married them for a reason. You may have some beautiful kids together. You have a life together and a home together. But your spouse CHEATED on you. How could they do this to you and your life!! Your head says to drop them like a rock, kick them to the curb, pack their crap and burn it. But you LOVE your spouse! You made a life with them and you want to stay married. You never thought that you would get divorced.

 

The beginning is a very confusing and emotional time. My best advise is to not make any definitive decisions yet. Does your spouse seem remorseful? Does your spouse say he/she wants the M? Is your spouse willing to go to MC and work on the M? Are YOU willing to go to MC and work on the M? If the answer to these questions is generally yes, then do not make any decisions yet. Ask your spouse to sleep in the guest room or the couch if you must. But if you BOTH want the M then at least give it a try.

 

However, if you feel strongly that you will never be able to forgive this breach of trust, don't pretend that you will forgive and forget. Because you will never forget. And you may or may not be able to forgive. Perhaps this was a deal breaker for you. Perhaps your spouse has already decided to leave to be with OW/OM.

 

Only you can be the judge of what may work for you. Trust your gut. Allow yourself to go with the flow for a while. And remember that sometimes you need to separate from WS in order for both of you to find clarity. (Please see the questions about Separation for more info on this). Separation is not easy and should not be taken lightly.

[crazykat73]

Like every other poster, it's the lack of remorse that kills me here. I am not sure we've heard the other side of the story though (to be fair). Is there a reason she felt entitled to not feel bad about this affair or remorseful? Did you ever do anything to hurt her or neglect her? Just asking so that I can better understand this, although it woudn't at all justify her behavior.

 

As I get older, I am more forgiving as I now understand marriage is not black and white and hate to say it, but most marriages have infidelity at some point, so it's just a matter of how it's dealt with and I don't necessarily think it needs to end a marriage unless someone falls in love and wants to leave, otherwise through a lot of hard work, many affairs can be overcome.

 

Is this her personality to not care how you feel or is she a complete sociopath? I think you should at least visit a counselor a few times together to get at the root of lack of her remorse and how it's making you feel.