Cedarman Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 This was a split weekend so I had my kids yesterday and had to deliver them to my wife last night. Originally it was to have been my full weekend, but without getting into the details, we had to compromise and split. (I get the kids more since I am in our house and the kids sleep here most days). Yesterday, I had an outing planned for the girls to an area of the city they've never seen. Full of used clothing/vintage stores, artisans, bakeries, great food - just an interesting place to spend an afternoon. My eldest daughter (14) is into vintage clothe shopping so she initially was all excited. Not sure what happened between morning and afternoon, but when we arrived, my eldest was in a really sullen/teenager type mood. Wouldn't talk, ignored me, ignored her sister and the mood was horrible. So finally I just said "you know what, let's go home". But in the car, I just lost my calm and really lost control of my frustrations of the past two months destruction of our family. I started venting about how this was tough on everybody and that my eldest daughter has to start acting less selfishly and not like a spoilt brat and on and on. It was horrible. Finally, my daughter yelled - "It's not our fault - stop taking it out on us!". That snapped me back to reality. I felt ashamed. My eldest daughter and I have always had a very close, special relationship. My wife had post-partum for almost two years after her birth, and after our second child was born, she practically rejected our first. It really hurt my daughter. So I always stepped in and built a great relationship with her. So when my eldest told me, at home, that if I ever do that again she is going to ask to live at my wife's, it was crushing. Especially crushing since my daughter doesn't know that her Mom would not want a teenage daughter full time - it would cramp her style. We had a good talk about it, and I apologized and we made up. But the damage has been done. I am under so much pressure right now - dealing with the separation, dealing with being a part-time Dad, my wife's lies, the recent disclosure of her affair - and being, in reality - the principle parent and having to put up a brave, happy front. I truly feel like I am going crazy sometimes with all the conflicted emotions and the front I have to maintain. I failed yesterday - right in front of my kids. And I realize that I was venting because my daughter (age 14) was acting like a typical teenager - age appropriate - but that I was upset because it reminded me of the ultra-selfish, self-centered behaviour of my mid-life crisis, 48 year old walkaway wife. How do you deal with it?
Desert70 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Let me tell you, parents make mistakes because we are human beings. Don't be so hard on yourself because you made a mistake, recognized it, and apologized which I'm sure your daughter saw and appreciated. When my husband of 23 years cheated on me, I left my house with my 3 daughters, at the time ages 13, 17, and 20. There were times in which I broke down, but my youngest one was VERY, VERY difficult to deal with (teenage mood, rebellion, anger) and just being a teenager. Remember that they've lost their family, stability, and life they were used to before separation. You're doing your job taking care of them and trying to do things for her that you know she likes and enjoys, such as vintage clothes shopping. Things will get better; hang in there. I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this pain. Good luck!
so_difficult Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Cedar anyone with teenage kids ... pretty much anyone with kids has inappropriately taken out anger or frustration on them. Please don't blow this out of proportion. You had a fight with your 14 year old, partially because of her behaviour and partially not. You apologized. If I may say so, I believe she then (probably unconsciously) then began manipulating the situation - "if you act like that I'm moving to mom's" ... which again is typical teenage behaviour. Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been doing a great job. Not only is no one perfect all the time, there is no such thing as perfection in some cases -- there's just doing the best we can. 1
carhill Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 OP, curious; you said you 'made up'. Did she apologize to you for her self-centered behaviors? It's a two-way street. Indeed, she is not responsible for the state of your marriage. She is responsible for her own behaviors. Being a 'teenager' isn't divine absolution. 4
PoopHappens Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I lost it with my daughter (11) the other day and said really stupid things and wished I could just back up a minute or two in my life and get a chance to do that minute over again. But no chance of that. I couldn't explain to her that it wasn't her at all but rather that I am so mashed up my wife's affair and I knew that moment that my wife as at her BFs. I still feel horrible for what amounts to kicking my daughter for my wife's indiscretions.
Cb3657 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 What my kids respond to more than anything else is when I am solid,honest and apolegetic with them in non kid talk. Everyone in this world make mistakes, when I make one I say , look I screwed up , I was upset with my situation and you heard it come out, I am your dad so I try to set a good example but I messed up today, you did not deserve that and I will try not to do it again. I would also end with saying this does not mean she has no responsibility to treat you with the same respect you are showing her, this means no talk of who she is staying with if something does not go her way. 2
Author Cedarman Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Thanks for all the replies. The way I handled my teenage daughter's mention of staying at my wife's was to tell her to call my wife about it. She didn't. We had a good heart to heart, and yes - she did apologize to me. What upset me was how upset I was. I don't usually lose my cool with my kids, but I did. And it wasn't fair to them because I was really upset at the whole situation, mainly my wife - not their behaviour. It just spilled out. I'm in IC and dealing with my grief/anger/sadness/frustration at my wife's betrayal of our marriage. I have come to terms with the death of our marriage and don't believe that I could ever reconcile with my wife. But I am still grieving the loss. Maybe I'm in the angry stage. Just not good company for anyone - friends/family - it doesn't matter - I am Mr. Bitter/Angry 24/7, it seems. I hope the "acceptance" stage comes as soon as possible. This is really killing me and killing my spirit. Several friends and family are now suggesting that I embrace the separation and get my wife to look after the kids 50% - truly look after: as in they will stay with her 50%. I am still wrestling with that. But I realize now, that in the current situation, my wife is manipulating the entire thing to her advantage. The separation, the disclosure of her affair AFTER she separates, the unnecessary arguments of childcare matters we had already agreed upon. She's playing with me and I am falling for it. Furthermore, with the kids I am the "heavy" - looking after the kids 11-12 nights out of 14. So she gets to play SuperMom after chilling and doing her thing for almost two weeks. I am wrestling with it, because I know that she would not be able to handle 50% (although she claims she could handle 100%). It would cramp her style. And not sure it would be good for the kids. But it would be good for me and would allow me to be a better Dad vs this angry/bitter guy that's taken over my body. How do you let go of your kids for 50% of the time when you don't really trust your spouse? That is what I am really wrestling with....
Steadfast Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 How do you let go of your kids for 50% of the time when you don't really trust your spouse? That is what I am really wrestling with.... I've been where you are and I've been how you are. My ex cheated, lied, blamed me then left. What she said about wanting the kids to be OK and staying involved did not jive with her actions. Truth is, she wanted her freedom, and they knew it. The pain that caused them (girl, 15, boy 16) was indescribable. It was this, more than any other thing, that caused me to realize that I didn't want her as a wife any longer. Hurting her own children destroyed my romantic feelings/attraction for her. Killed it. That said? The kids need their mother. If you truly love them, you'll encourage it. You'll do everything in your power to repair the relationship they have with her. You do this for them. Forget your relationship with her and focus on this. They need a loving, caring mother. The rest they'll figure out on their own. Yes, even if she's with another man. Yes, even if she stabs you in the back. As the only clear-thinking parent, you must do this. This is good advice: "When in doubt, do what's best for the kids." When they're grown (which -seemingly- happens overnight) they will love and respect you for your strength. It is good for kids to cherish their father! It is good for kids to have a solid example to follow...even if they stray from the path once and awhile. I know it isn't fair. I know you're hurting. Turn to friends and family for your needs and encouragement. But you can rise above it all by being the parent you were meant to be. This is the most important job you have. I suffered it. I survived. My kids love their father. It isn't easy but you can do this. And you will, because you really love them. Be the difference! 2
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