smog Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Hi, my name is David and I am from London England. I'm 31 years old and was with my wife (24) for 5years and married to her for 3years. My wife ended up instigating the split on the 25th September this year and has since been living with her parents. From the very beginning of our relationship we would often have moments where we fell out or disagreed to the point of it being uncomfortable. My wife was a very confrontational and defensive individual who couldnt take critisism but who would often critique me and expect immediate change. If something wasn't done the way she wanted it done then it was wrong. To my wife there was no middle ground or understanding nature to allow for things to be done a different way. If it wasnt how she did it then it wasn't perfect or the best it could be. Needless to say this side of her wore me down over the years and made me feel useless and like a child who was shouted at for getting it wrong. Two examples are as follows, Every Saturday I would clean our home. I would spend half the day giving each room a clean, dust, hoover so that it was nice for the week ahead. If ever we had an argument i would frequently be accused of not pulling my weight around the house?? If ever i brought up that I cleaned the house every Satyrday I would be told that it was done wrong or not to HER standards!! On one occasion I changed the duvet cover on our bed and put a clean one on. In doing so I missed a button when doing it up. When she discovered the missing button it caused an argument because to her that was me not doing something properly and not caring!!!?? It was these silly little arguments which didnt really need to happen which made it really hard to live with her and have a consistent and happy relationship. Everything was always so on edge! When we finally employed a cleaner to clean our house she would then have a go at me for not helping to tidy up before the cleaners arrived?? Nothing I could do was ever right! In the end i felt useless and a real dissapointment to her. I would often look at other relationships and couples and wonder weather they argued as frequently as we did, was it normal? Three months ago it was our 3rd wedding anniversary. As we had been going through a particularly rough patch I thought I would make a special effort to show her how much she meant to me. I went to the store and bought the ingredients to make her favourite meal. It was three courses and had her favourite drink too. I also went the the jewellery store and bought her a ring, wrote a card pouring my heart out and set all of this up for her for when she got home from work. To cut a long story short I eneded up returning the ring becuase she didnt like it and when we finally broke up she admitted to me that in her opinion the anniversary meal I had prepared was an 'easy' option for me as I could pop into the store on the way home and pick the bits up and that not much thought had gne into it and that she would have rather been taken to a restaurant! To hear this was crushing and made me realise that not matter what I did it was wrong. The night she announced it was over and packed her bags to move out I was heart broken. But when she left I also felt a massive sense of relief and calm. Since then I have been going through the usual emotions and grief associated wih this sort of thing. Yet I find myself thinking what if I had done things differently would we still be together? Am I no good at getting things right or terrible at being in a relationship with someone? We have since met up a few times to discuss the next steps and the legal side of things. The last time we met She was angry with me for not chasing after her when she left. I told her I was hurt and wanted to protect myself so I cut contact, I also wanted to respect her decision to move on and if she had wanted to get back with me then she would have made that clear. To that respinse I was told that I was selfish and only thought about me and that I had no fight for the relationship! Its tough, really tough. As someone who was my wife and had such a pivotal role in my life its horrible to think that we are now like strangers and we are both now living new and different lives. I still have days where i just want to contact her or write her a letter explaining how i feel about her and that I miss her because I'm afraid of her moving on! I'm afraid that she will meet someone else and they will get the best of her! Sorry to go on. I just needed to vent. Today is a tough day for some reason and I've been feeling crappy since I woke up! Any thoughts or opinions about my situation would be great! We met up last weekend in a coffee shop and she explained that she didnt think this would work as too much time had passed since we broke up with no contact and that she felt she had changed and become more mature and a different person. I didnt fight her decison and instead accepted it even though it was killing me inside. The fact that I had gotten closure from her gave me some peace of mind and meant I was no longer in a state of waiting for her or wondering what was going on. For the most part last week was a good week for me. I felt relaxed and in control and optomistic about my future but for some reason I've woken up this morning feeling like I did the day she walked out! so up and down! The hardest part for me was that I didnt want this, suddenly im in a situation where I'm alone and my future isnt what I had planned 2 months ago. I also really want kids and a family and the thought of having to go through it all again is terrifying.
hdvries86 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Hi there, I'm in the same situation over here so I know how u feel. My girlfriend and I split up after 2.5 years. We lived together and also thought about having kids and marriage. Now she's gone i'm also asking myself the "what if" questions. What if I did everything else she would probably still be here. The reason she left was because I said some things about her weight and was allways concerned about material stuff. She said she was afraid of living in my expensive house with expensive stuff that she would break anything. Now that she's gone its really empty in this house and it feels like it losts its soul. The only positive thing I can think about breaking up is that I'll grow and learn from the mistakes in the past. I've read a lot of books on how to communicate in relationships so I won't make the same mistakes. The only problem is I didn't want to be her my learning point. She is really special and I have to live with it everyday. It's time to move on and I still want to make a big gesture to her showing how much I care. But I know it's over and can't win back her heart. Greetings, Henk
Mcnulty Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Smog, what you are going through is perfectly normal, the grieving, disappointment, feelings of sadness. It's all part of the grieving process I'm afraid. You sound like 2 very different people. You seem like a decent guy who tried his best and got it thrown back in your face, knocking down your self esteem. She sounds like a selfish, pedantic spoilt child. Do you want to live your life walking on eggshells and not feeling good enough? Write a list of all the failings in the rel. A list of her bad traits would help you also. I used to do this and referred back to my lists in times of sadness, it helped give me a clearer perspective. You have your closure from her words, now it's about focussing on you and you alone. Every day is a step closer to acceptance and one step further away from the sadness. Baby steps. You will have bad days and not so bad days, but I would look in the mirror and tell yourself you tried your damndest and it wasn't enough, is that your problem and a failing of yours?...Caterogorically no, it is not. I wish you strength and luck.
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