QuestionLove73 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 For those that did not see my post from some time ago, a refresher: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/281948-where-do-i-start So it's been about a year since the last post, and lots of changes, and lots of things not changed. I ended up moving back to NY from MD to try to help get my wife to a better place. It was clear MD was not helping her out, but I also did not want to manage a separation/divorce with two kids in the mix. And I also love and cherish my wife very much, even through our tremulous times. We moved back to her hometown, I took a job in NYC, commute 5 hours a day 4x a week, and bought a home. All in hopes to help stabilize her depression and get her to a better place. She did go through her gastric bypass, and while she did not apply the vigors of exercise and strict diet, she has lost ~80 lbs. She is feeling better about herself physically, emotionally is another story. She is also back to work, working 25-38 hours a week at a job she previously held here. In general she likes the work and the people. However a lot has not changed. She still stays in bed on the days she has no work to do, sometimes sleeping till 11, 12 or later, and then spend the rest of the day reading "mommy porn" on her iPad. Not that I have anything against books like 50 shades, but given that we have a lack of sex in our relationship, I feel it brings on some unachievable expectations on her part. She still feels that since she is a woman, that I am a man, that I should want sex all the time. She does not really account for the years of anguish I have had to deal with can be a real mental put off. And she still hardly participates in the marriage and family. She still does not cook, so for me that means I have to scramble to cook, or get some fast food because I am coming home at 6:30pm after heading out the door at 6:15am. Yes she does have an odd schedule at times that puts her on 12-8 shifts but there are many days she does not, or does not work at all, and the burden is on me. Hell even in the 12 years together, at home, I can never get her to sit at the table to eat dinner. She will always bring her food to the bedroom. This wasn't as big of a deal before kids, but now with them at 4 and 5 I really want to set aside the time for all of us to be there just to gel together some, and that just does not happen. I really feel the weight is building up on my shoulders again. I had an discussion with her today about the housework, telling her it's really just draining me trying to cope with my day to day work, dealing with the kids from when i get home till I put them to bed (she gets the kids bed clothes and the day after clothes ready, that is about it). I do the cooking (or procuring of food), cleaning, dishes, laundry. Her response to that was just to leave things, and when she is ready to do them she will. Mind you I have done experiments of not doing dishes... for 4 days... and it never reached the criticality of her to do it. Same with laundry, piling up to 7, 8, 9 tubs to do. I really have spoiled her over the years, and it's my fault, and it really can't be undone without serious consequence. I am taking on so much burden, especially with this commute, plus trying to take on side IT jobs and even a side business (starting up my Mobile DJ business I retired 13 years ago) so I have even more stress piling up. Oh last note, since we moved back, she has not seen a shrink. She says she as looked around and does not feel comfortable with the limited selection here. So her current general practitioner keeps her on her anti-anxiety and depression drugs, but she is getting zero counseling.
sad puppy Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 It's simple, according to they theory of conditioning. You are totally catering to her while she indulges herself, all day, everyday. Why should she do anything, take any responsibility? She has you to do it all. She sounds incredibly selfish. Maybe if she didn't have you to do it all for her she would have to get it together and start being a responsible human being. Either change the dynamics or get out. It sounds like hell. I think some people indulge in their "depression" when someone else is always there to take care of everything. It's called control and manipulation.
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