In dating, when and how do you bring up the pregnancy or abortion issue?

[kaylan]

Im 26, Im pro choice, and I dont want kids until Im either married or in a secure LTR that was at least nearing engagement.

 

This being said, before having sex with a girlfriend, FWB, or casual fling,...how do you broach this topic? Personally Id like to know the girl was on the same page with me. Right now Im not financially, mentally, or emotionally ready for kids. So if a girl wasnt willing to do a morning after-pill, or very early term abortion, I just wouldnt have sex with her.

 

And sure a girl can agree with my position, and later change her mind...but thats her choice. Id let her know that we werent really in the best position to raise a child, and Id voice my concerns....but if she decided to keep it, or if we found out about the pregnancy past a certain time period, then wed just deal with it.

 

I just dont know how to bring this up and make it not awkward. I mean when discussing STDs while getting to know someone, or right before sex...I can outright ask "hey...health wise, is this safe?" or "look Im clean, I need to know that you are too". Pregnancy is a lot more serious. Theres no way to talk about it before sex that doesnt kill the mood....and theres no way to talk about it when you just start dating someone where the convo doesnt get super serious. How many dates do you wait to talk about that?

 

Ladies?

Edited November 11, 2012 by kaylan

[jcrew11]

If you are using condoms and make sure she is on the pill, then it is implied that you or her do not want babies. Just talk about using birth control, and the subject of abortion should come up. She can go to her OBG and get a diaphram or IUD. You can just have anal sex if you don't want kids.

[kaylan]

If you are using condoms and make sure she is on the pill, then it is implied that you or her do not want babies.

Its implied we dont want babies, but that doesnt tell me what the girl would do if she became pregnant.

Just talk about using birth control, and the subject of abortion should come up. She can go to her OBG and get a diaphram or IUD.

This is helpful in terms of someone Im dating exclusively. Do you have any advice regarding FWB or a fling with someone I dont know well? What about with a girl I really like, but havent gone on many dates with yet...at what date marker should this come up?

 

Im thinking the 3rd date since that seems about the time where people get sexual in some way, even if its not intercourse. Agree?

You can just have anal sex if you don't want kids.

Anal cant replace vaginal...and tbh anal grosses me out.

[OompaLoompa]

This is such an absurd question. You seem to think that getting pregnant before marriage or a long term engagement is a common phenomenon?

It is not.

So most of the times, you don't have to worry about a girl WANTING it lol

 

And you said "if a girl wasnt willing to do a morning after-pill, or very early term abortion, I just wouldnt have sex with her."

 

But why can't you just use a condom and have sex still even if she doesn't want to do either of them? Ha.

[kaylan]

This is such an absurd question. You seem to think that getting pregnant before marriage or a long term engagement is a common phenomenon?

It is not.

Its not common? Someone hasnt been following pregnancy stats at all. Its common enough for people to be concerned. I dont wanna not dots my Is or cross my Ts and end up getting a phone call about a pregnancy from someone Im not dating seriously.

 

So most of the times, you don't have to worry about a girl WANTING it lol

As much as many women are pro choice, it doesnt mean girls would rush to have an abortion. And it doesnt mean Id rush for them to have one either. Its a serious decision, in which case my question isnt absurd.

And you said "if a girl wasnt willing to do a morning after-pill, or very early term abortion, I just wouldnt have sex with her."

 

But why can't you just use a condom and have sex still even if she doesn't want to do either of them? Ha.

Condoms break bro. As uncommon as you might think condom breaks or pregnancies outside of a relationship are, they happen enough and are serious enough for me to ask this question.

 

I personally think you sound VERY immature in this post. If a girl isnt willing to take the morning after pill, or have a short term abortion...and the condom breaks during sex (which is how plenty of women have gotten preggerz), than Id be up the creek without a paddle looking at early fatherhood.

 

Itd be nice if you provided real advice on how to talk to a girl about this like I asked. Not give me some advice that seems to come from the perspective of a naive teenager.

[TaurusTerp]

This is such an absurd question. You seem to think that getting pregnant before marriage or a long term engagement is a common phenomenon?

It is not.

So most of the times, you don't have to worry about a girl WANTING it lol

 

And you said "if a girl wasnt willing to do a morning after-pill, or very early term abortion, I just wouldnt have sex with her."

 

But why can't you just use a condom and have sex still even if she doesn't want to do either of them? Ha.

 

Dude....what decade are you living in. Not common? Seriously?

[jcrew11]

Its implied we dont want babies, but that doesnt tell me what the girl would do if she became pregnant.This is helpful in terms of someone Im dating exclusively. Do you have any advice regarding FWB or a fling with someone I dont know well? What about with a girl I really like, but havent gone on many dates with yet...at what date marker should this come up?

 

Im thinking the 3rd date since that seems about the time where people get sexual in some way, even if its not intercourse. Agree?

 

Anal cant replace vaginal...and tbh anal grosses me out.

 

Its kinda a heavy topic to discuss unless you are good friends with the girl, and if you know she is politically liberal. If you don't want to date a pro-life girl, just say "I'm pro-choice, are you pro-choice as well?" and that will get your answer really quick. Or you can say, "My friend in high school got his girlfriend pregnant and they want an abortion, what do you think they should do?"

 

I wouldn't bring it up at all. I would just stick with talking about condoms, birth control pills, and diaphrams.

 

If you are that worried then just have oral sex.

 

If she asks you to have intercourse, just say you are waiting for marriage and don't want any accidents.

[kaylan]

^I agree with everything except telling a girl Im waiting for marriage haha. Girls will give me a "wtf" look if I say that lol. Ill just be honest and say Im trying to be smart regarding pregnancies, and that can lead into the convo.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[OompaLoompa]

Well, I don't know where you guys are living at or who you are hanging out with but none of my friends ever got pregnant before marriage, and none even want a baby until they are in their 30s.

Obviously statistics don't tell the entire story. It could be an unevenly represented sample, or other methodological issues. And sometimes, even contradictory with one another.

 

Condoms don't break that easily as you think. They are 99% safe if used correctly. Admittedly, people do get pregnant even if they use a condom, because it may have a tiny undetectable hole from incorrect storage methods, or for too long, girl's nails, putting back on the used ones, or wearing it in the midway through, etc.

 

I think if you are THAT worried about pregnancy, just get vasectomy.

And later when you want to, get a reversal surgery.

[OompaLoompa]

By the way, do you know how harmful morning after pills are for women?

I think you are immature dude.

maybe you want to look up how those pills theoretically prevent pregnancy before you engage in a conduct that has consequences.

Also they are not 100% just like condom.

[bolase]

Hey Kaylan

 

Don't tell her you're waiting til marriage. This was my saddest moment with my ex. I thought he was a liberal christian.

 

IMO if you are asking this or having trouble with the options, you aren't getting to know the girls you sleep with well enough before you sleep with them. So you find it awkward.

 

From a female point of view it's fine to ask her, before you have sex (preferably, for both of you) straight up "Hey I want to ask you something. If you got pregnant, say at this point in our lives, what would you do?"

 

Personally I like to take a night or two at least being part naked with a guy, fooling around, getting to trust him, build up tension and trust before we have sex. So there's more time between *knowing* you're going to have sex and actually doing it, to ask these questions.

 

Even if you have sex with a girl after the first time you ever touch her tits, well if you have gotten to know her outside the bedroom, it's going to be fine to ask her.

 

However if it's a ONS I think it would be harder for you, almost coming across as rude like "Just covering myself, I don't want you having my kid" etc

 

See what I'm saying?

[sweetkiwi]

i think its great you're trying to cover your bases kaylan. I get it. I would have the conversation before having sex, if you really want to be safe.

 

That being said you never really know what she'll do in the moment. I had this conversation with my ex and then when he knew i was leaving him he busted in me on purpose. I was so angry and i felt so disrespected.

 

As i'm sure you would feel if you had this conversation with a woman and she changed her mind later. But. Sex is for reproduction. Everytime we don't get pregnant its like a get out of jail free card. There's only so many time you can roll those dice before landing in jail.

 

I would suggest getting a vesectomy if you were older and knew you didn't want kids at all. And while it is reverseable i'm not exactly sure how successful the reversals are. Maybe thats something you should look into if you're serious about preventing pregnancy. That coupled with condoms and you'd be unstoppable!!

[kaylan]

Well, I don't know where you guys are living at or who you are hanging out with but none of my friends ever got pregnant before marriage, and none even want a baby until they are in their 30s.

Anecdotal evidence based on your friend group does not discount national statistics. Come on now...you should know this.

Obviously statistics don't tell the entire story. It could be an unevenly represented sample, or other methodological issues. And sometimes, even contradictory with one another.

No statistics dont tell the entire story, but they show enough of the story to know that people should be concerned about pregnancies that occur outside of relationships. Dont simply try to throw out national stats because your friends didnt get unlucky like some people did.

Condoms don't break that easily as you think. They are 99% safe if used correctly. Admittedly, people do get pregnant even if they use a condom, because it may have a tiny undetectable hole from incorrect storage methods, or for too long, girl's nails, putting back on the used ones, or wearing it in the midway through, etc.

99% safe IF used correctly. Theres 1% chance of failure when used properly ey? And only IF used properly is the percentage for failure low. Considering how many pregnancies exist outside of LTRs and marriages, its silly for you to simply say its not common. Just search the internet bro...it happens enough for me to start this thread and be smart.

I think if you are THAT worried about pregnancy, just get vasectomy.

And later when you want to, get a reversal surgery.

Why waste my money, take on that surgical risk, or do anything that could screw with my hormones. Thats silly dude. If I can simply be a mature adult and have a discussion with a woman about this stuff, its smarter than going under the knife.

By the way, do you know how harmful morning after pills are for women?

I think you are immature dude.

maybe you want to look up how those pills theoretically prevent pregnancy before you engage in a conduct that has consequences.

Also they are not 100% just like condom.

Which is why I freaking said Im pro choice. A girl doesnt have to take it if she doesnt want to. But overall the pills are very safe. Do your research.

 

Did I say the pills were 100%? I created this thread so I could avoid the pill route to begin with, yet you offer no kind of useful answer. Dont lecture me about consequences when you naively advised me originally;

 

But why can't you just use a condom and have sex still even if she doesn't want to do either of them? Ha.

You wanna talk about consequences when you basically told me to have sex with a condom, even if the girl could get preggerz and want to keep it. You dont really care about consequences, because if you did youd give me actual useful advice on how to talk about this. You would immaturely brush it off as something not serious enough to worry about Edited November 11, 2012 by kaylan

[OompaLoompa]

Anecdotal evidence based on your friend group does not discount national statistics. Come on now...you should know this.

No statistics dont tell the entire story, but they show enough of the story to know that people should be concerned about pregnancies that occur outside of relationships. Dont simply try to throw out national stats because your friends didnt get unlucky like some people did.

 

I am not trying to throw out national stats, but to point out that "national" does not mean they asked almost every single people in this nationa lol and YOU should know this.

They might have picked a district that happens to have concentrated population with characteristics that have high correlation with getting pregnant before marriage. And so on.

So the point is that YOU should not be taking a national stat as if it is the Bible or an absolute truth lol.

 

 

Just search the internet bro...it happens enough for me to start this thread and be smart.

 

You see so many posts and articles of pre-marriage pregnancy online but that is mostly because people who would write on the internet are those who got pregnant before the marriage. So it is highly biased sample.

 

Why waste my money, take on that surgical risk, or do anything that could screw with my hormones. Thats silly dude. If I can simply be a mature adult and have a discussion with a woman about this stuff, its smarter than going under the knife.

 

Ha. Wow. That is the MOST SELFISH statement I've ever heard.

So you would make HER spend all that money, screw with her hormones and go under the knife?

And THAT - you call mature and smart lol...

 

Of course, a girl doesn't have to sex with you if she doesn't want to risk, but the fault of you question is basically asking for a way to bring this topic into conversation so you can have the fun but not any responsibility.

 

You dont really care about consequences, because if you did youd give me actual useful advice on how to talk about this. You would immaturely brush it off as something not serious enough to worry about

 

I care so much about the consequences that might bestow upon an unknown girl that i am taking this much effort to talk to a dumb rock right here. lol.

And I've give you actual useful advices: get vasectomy or don't have sex. Stop trying to find a way to allure a young innocent girl to have sex with YOU and get her life destroyed, whereas YOU alone can escape the whole consequences because YOU think you've made a "pre-agreement" with her before sex.

Ahole.

Edited November 11, 2012 by OompaLoompa

[kaylan]

I am not trying to throw out national stats, but to point out that "national" does not mean they asked almost every single people in this nationa lol and YOU should know this.

They might have picked a district that happens to have concentrated population with characteristics that have high correlation with getting pregnant before marriage. And so on.

Look it doesnt matter how you try to explain it. People get pregnant outside of LTRs and marraige due to a number of factors. National studies have been done, as well as city studies. Im from NYC metro area so of course we have organizations around here who study this. Fact of the matter is that these pregnancies are common enough that I should wisely discuss the matter with a female before hand.

 

So the point is that YOU should not be taking a national stat as if it is the Bible or an absolute truth lol.

I dont know why you are arguing this. Anyone would tell you this is a dumb argument to be making. Pregnancies outside of LTRs and marriage are common enough that I should make smart choices about sex and birth control. How old are you dude? What smart adult questions these things or questions a guy for taking precautions not to end up a father before hes ready?

You see so many posts and articles of pre-marriage pregnancy online but that is mostly because people who would write on the internet are those who got pregnant before the marriage. So it is highly biased sample.

Doesnt matter. We see the stories on tv, hear about them happening to friends and acquaintances....not to mention the studies. So your dismissal of the internet is largely irrelevant.

Ha. Wow. That is the MOST SELFISH statement I've ever heard.

So you would make HER spend all that money, screw with her hormones and go under the knife?

And THAT - you call mature and smart lol...

Wow. First off noobie...who said Id make her spend any money. If anything Id man up and pay for most or all of the cost. And if I couldnt pay it all on my own, Id pay at least half.

 

And what are you talking about "make her". LEARN TO READ NOOB! I said I am PRO CHOICE. The women decides what happens to her body. Ill make suggestions and offer an opinion on what I think is best, but its HER decision on what happens if she ends up pregnant.

 

And the morning after pill would only screw with her hormones for a short time. If your so concerned about hormones, I hope you are against women using birth control. Personally Id use a condom all the time so a girl wouldnt have to screw with her hormones. The only reason Id be ok with a morning after pill is because if the girl was ok with it, its smarter than having to raise a child you arent ready for.

 

If a guy and girl agree on not having a child, you think they are going to say "oh lets have this baby even though we dont want it, just so we dont mess up hormones for a few days." Nevermind the fact that pregnancy puts hormones in flux for 9 months.

Of course, a girl doesn't have to sex with you if she doesn't want to risk, but the fault of you question is basically asking for a way to bring this topic into conversation so you can have the fun but not any responsibility.

No responsibility? First off Im being responsible by asking this question so I can avoid struggling to raise a kid I wasnt ready for.

 

And you are still not following me. I AM PRO CHOICE. That means if the girl decides to keep the baby, I WILL be responsible for it. Based on your logic regarding "have the fun but not any responsbility", shouldnt you demonize people for using condoms. Go tell everyone not to use condoms then since you are so concerned about people shirking the possible responsibility of parenthood since they want fun sex without kids resulting.

I care so much about the consequences that might bestow upon an unknown girl that i am taking this much effort to talk to a dumb rock right here. lol.

If you cared about the consequences you wouldnt simply say stupid crap like "hehe just use a condom lol", even if the girl had different view regarding kids than me. Wanna see a dumb rock? *hands mirror*

And I've give you actual useful advices: get vasectomy or don't have sex. Stop trying to find a way to allure a young innocent girl to have sex with YOU and get her life destroyed, whereas YOU alone can escape the whole consequences because YOU think you've made a "pre-agreement" with her before sex.

Ahole.

Oh yes....great advice...get an expensive procedure that may permanently affect my hormones. Smart advice when I asked how to talk to women about this. Read the OP with full comprehension next time. I asked how to talk to women about this topic...I didnt ask how to not get pregnant.

 

And are you daffy? How am I trying to allure a young innocent girl into having sex with me and destroying her life? Sex is a two person decision, and if you understood the OP at all, Im trying to prevent messing up anyones life with an unplanned, premature pregnancy.

 

And lmao....whats with the stupid assumption that Im trying to escape consequences? Where have I said or even insinuated that? Im pro choice...so if a woman wants to have the child, its going to happen and Im going to her life and the childs life.

 

The point of a pre arrangement is to cover bases and to prevent children being born into unready families. It doesnt mean I wouldnt take care of my child if I had one. And it doesnt mean Id tell the girl "well we had an agreement...youre on your own" if she changed her mind from what we originally agreed on.

 

Stop putting words in my mouth, learn to read with comprehension, and get the stick out of your behind.

Edited November 11, 2012 by kaylan

[OompaLoompa]

I am not even reading this. You are in denial hun. Good luck.

[kaylan]

I am not even reading this. You are in denial hun. Good luck.

You dont want to read it because you know you were off base with your ridiculous remarks and assumptions. Anyone can see that.

[TaurusTerp]

Well, I don't know where you guys are living at or who you are hanging out with but none of my friends ever got pregnant before marriage, and none even want a baby until they are in their 30s.

Obviously statistics don't tell the entire story. It could be an unevenly represented sample, or other methodological issues. And sometimes, even contradictory with one another.

 

Condoms don't break that easily as you think. They are 99% safe if used correctly. Admittedly, people do get pregnant even if they use a condom, because it may have a tiny undetectable hole from incorrect storage methods, or for too long, girl's nails, putting back on the used ones, or wearing it in the midway through, etc.

 

I think if you are THAT worried about pregnancy, just get vasectomy.

And later when you want to, get a reversal surgery.

 

Hhaahhahahaha. "It could be an unevenly represented sample"

 

Followed by "No girls in my social circle want kids"

 

Derp derp derp

[Negative Nancy]

Why waste my money, take on that surgical risk, or do anything that could screw with my hormones.

 

Yeah, as if the pill doesn't screw with women's hormones at all. But who cares about that, as long men get to stick it in ... if it's messing with male hormones it's bad, but if it messes with women's hormones who cares

 

Typical men's selfish way of thinking

[kaylan]

Yeah, as if the pill doesn't screw with women's hormones at all. But who cares about that, as long men get to stick it in ... if it's messing with male hormones it's bad, but if it messes with women's hormones who cares

 

Typical men's selfish way of thinking

Look at my post at the top of the page. It clear says Id gladly wear a condom so a woman doesnt have to use birth control that screws with her hormones. And I also said in the OP, that I am pro choice. So if a girl doesnt want to take the morning after pill, she doesnt have to worry about the hormones with that either.

 

Youve clearly jumped the gun and made yourself to look foolish. Though thats not atypical of you.

[SoleMate]

I've thought a lot about this issue. Unintended pregnancy is common enough among sexually active people in their 20s that everyone should be concerned. Taking a chance on siring a child you don't want, who will have a mother you would not have chosen, is a frightening outcome. I'll just make a few points:

 

1) Being pro-choice does not mean that a woman will necessarily terminate an unplanned pregnancy. (And claiming to be pro-life in advance doesn't mean she won't.) Feelings change when people get pregnant.

 

2) In 2006, according to the CDC, fully 49% of all pregnancies in the US were unintended. CDC - Unintended Pregnancy Prevention - Reproductive Health So even with availability of birth control and sex education, this is happening.

 

3) Condoms are great for reducing the risk of disease transmission - nothing else even comes close - but as birth control, they are quite ineffective as typically used. Using them perfectly requires a fair amount of knowledge, skill, experience and self control. Perfect use has a 2% pregnancy rate per year; typical use, 15%. Comparison of birth control methods - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do as follows:

 

* Not have casual sex. Only have PIV sex with a woman who I knew well and trusted to be honest and capable about birth control and who would not be a disaster if she became the unintended mother of my unplanned child

 

* Or, if the above became impossible, only have sex with someone verifiably on the truly effective methods, such as Norplant

 

If you know someone well enough to have sex, then the birth control talk should be easy enough. If you can't have that discussion, then I would recommend reconsidering PIV sex

 

Kudos to you for thinking and caring about this. You are doing the right thing! Good luck.

[bolase]

The way that people are talking in this thread...I'd just like to press kiwi's point: sex is for reproduction. Each time you don't get pregnant (if you don't want to) it's like a get out of jail free card as she said!!

 

It's not an epidemic - if you don't want to end up fathering a kid with a girl who isn't mom material (or vice versa) - get quality sex partners who you trust and get to know so that you can be absolutely sure you're both pro choice and would not allow a pregnancy to happen.

 

It's that simple.

[jcrew11]

I think you can't always control what the woman can do or what BC she chooses.

 

As a man, you can only control yourself. Don't have ONS or casual sex. Don't ejaculate in the woman, just pull out and bust a nut on her stomach.

 

or, get a vasectamy and put your sperm in a sperm bank.