Els Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 My honest, personal belief is that if 10kg is capable of turning a person off completely from another person whom he/she claims to mesh with in every other way, they were either really not that interested in the other person to begin with, or are not LTR material. This goes for people of both sexes. That being said, you're certainly free to live your life as you see fit, and the advice you have gotten here has been overwhelmingly similar, despite coming from two very distinct viewpoints: You should not pursue her. Some of us believe it's for her good, and some believe it's for yours; perhaps it's for both, but the path you should take is still pretty darn clear. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Have you had sex yet? Make out? Do you enjoy that?
Sabian Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 (edited) All you said about her that wasn't physical was that she was "nice". What else about her as a person do you like? Is she very much the type of person you can see yourself with? Or is she just ok and you're hoping she becomes attractive? I'm inclined to say that if you really had a thing for who she was you would find her attractive now since you're threshold for attractiveness is only 10 kilos I say get to know her better and go from there. Maybe you'll learn that she really isn't for you on a personality level. How can you say she is pretty, but not acceptably pretty? Isn't that an oxymoron? Although now that I think about, the fact that you have an issue with this now is probably reason enough to not pursue anything. Not for you, but for her. All you would end up doing is hurting her down the line. Someone else will accept her regardless. Edited November 11, 2012 by Sabian
xxoo Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 If you can not develop true attraction to her at this weight, let her go. As others have said, even if she loses weight now, she will probably gain weight back as she ages. Most people do. 1
Sanman Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I am going to step away from the crowd here and say give it a shot. I was in the same position as you about a year and a half ago. I received a lot of similar advice. I considered a few things. First, as we get older everyone gains weight. While this girl may gain back the weight, she will still be a nice girl. What happens when you pick the girl that looks better and five years later she gains a lot of weight and doesn't have the personality to compensate either. If you are looking for the long term accept that we all lose our looks. Second does she want to lose weight/get healthy? If so, are you willing to help her without being judgemental? What I discovered over the course of daring this girl is that it is alright to want your partner to look good as long as you don't hold it over them and try and help them with it. Long story short, I dated a girl like you have who was a bit heavy for my tastes, I gained some weight with a new job and eating like her. She did not like that either despite me being in better shape still. Instead of judging each other and breaking up, we are together 1.5yrs later, got healthy together, she lost 10 lbs, and we finished our first 5k race together last month. She wants to run the half marathon next year! We've also talked about marriage. Just a different perspective for you. 1
FitChick Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 First, as we get older everyone gains weight. we are together... got healthy together, she lost 10 lbs, and we finished our first 5k race together last month. Not everyone gains weight as they age. Only the ones who continue eating the same amount or more, and are less physically active. The rest of us, clearly a tiny minority, stay the same weight or even weigh less because WE MAKE AN EFFORT. I only want to date men who are willing to "get healthy together" because it's not only about appearance but about longevity. Overeating and a sedentary lifestyle are just as bad for you as drinking and smoking. Wake up, people! 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Your metabolism only slows down by 2% every 10 years, which is really not much. Lots of people gain weight as they age for other reasons. I am thinner now than 10 years ago.
Author domple Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 I am going to step away from the crowd here and say give it a shot. I was in the same position as you about a year and a half ago. I received a lot of similar advice. I considered a few things. First, as we get older everyone gains weight. While this girl may gain back the weight, she will still be a nice girl. What happens when you pick the girl that looks better and five years later she gains a lot of weight and doesn't have the personality to compensate either. If you are looking for the long term accept that we all lose our looks. Second does she want to lose weight/get healthy? If so, are you willing to help her without being judgemental? What I discovered over the course of daring this girl is that it is alright to want your partner to look good as long as you don't hold it over them and try and help them with it. Long story short, I dated a girl like you have who was a bit heavy for my tastes, I gained some weight with a new job and eating like her. She did not like that either despite me being in better shape still. Instead of judging each other and breaking up, we are together 1.5yrs later, got healthy together, she lost 10 lbs, and we finished our first 5k race together last month. She wants to run the half marathon next year! We've also talked about marriage. Just a different perspective for you. Hi Sanman, as I spoke to my mother about before I forgot to mention something, she actually said the same thing as yourself. Yes I am not picture perfect myself and gain and lose weight as well. But I also wrote a list of what i was seeking for in a woman and she ticks 95% of all the boxes... the only 2 are height (shes 3cm taller than me but that doesn't bother me) and the weight (specifically wrote healthy). I genuinely think shes attractive and has similar religious believes and everything else. My mother said a similar story because she is already loosing weight and I should talk with her in that I really like her and support her in her goals and hers with mine (if I get to a certain weight I many have to have a colostomy bag) thus why I am more focused on being healthy or normal or whatever you wish to call it... also if you are to marry that person you want them around for a long time. As my mother said "if you find someone that ticks 90-95% of what you want in a partner, you simply work on the rest together and that will make you stronger together in the long term" As i said I will speak with her on wednesday or thursday when I see her next, if she is the right one then she will look at what I say and we can work together (help her with her goals and her with mine), if not then it was meant to be. If anyone is interested I will write back what happened and keep you all in the loop. Thank you to everyone who contributed
Els Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I am going to step away from the crowd here and say give it a shot. I was in the same position as you about a year and a half ago. I received a lot of similar advice. I considered a few things. First, as we get older everyone gains weight. While this girl may gain back the weight, she will still be a nice girl. What happens when you pick the girl that looks better and five years later she gains a lot of weight and doesn't have the personality to compensate either. If you are looking for the long term accept that we all lose our looks. Second does she want to lose weight/get healthy? If so, are you willing to help her without being judgemental? What I discovered over the course of daring this girl is that it is alright to want your partner to look good as long as you don't hold it over them and try and help them with it. Long story short, I dated a girl like you have who was a bit heavy for my tastes, I gained some weight with a new job and eating like her. She did not like that either despite me being in better shape still. Instead of judging each other and breaking up, we are together 1.5yrs later, got healthy together, she lost 10 lbs, and we finished our first 5k race together last month. She wants to run the half marathon next year! We've also talked about marriage. Just a different perspective for you. I think the difference between you and the OP is that you were still attracted to the girl as a whole despite her being a little 'too heavy for your tastes'. Based on reading the OP, his entire attraction seems to be predicated on the possibility of her losing that weight. That really isn't a healthy dynamic to begin a relationship with.
charlietheginger Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 you gotta understand in a ltr Women go through cycles Sometimes they gain weight and loose Weight during the year.... My ex got chubby around nov dec jan feb Becuase we werent as active No beach No sweating during walks outdoors Its very common for womens weight to fluctuate 10~ 15 lbs during a yr Hell some women gain and loose 5~7lbs In a month during a menstral cycle Women call it my skinny jeans and fat jeans Cycle... Its mainly water due to estrogen It mainly happens to women with big ol Tatas and butts ...very fertile women That make alot of estrogen.. My ex was a bcup but swelled to a c cup For about a week every month
Punkabello Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I just became a member, for you. I don't know whether my situation is awkwardly sad or hilarious but for sure, I need you in my life.
Punkabello Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 If you're that on the fence with her weight I would walk away, plus you're already making her feel weird and nervous about eating in front you, that's not going to help her and is only going to make her feel more insecure and pressured. You're basically setting yourself up to look like a douchebag and her to be this insecure girl who's constantly has to feel like if she gains weight she'll lose you, for what? two weeks! If you're complaining about her weight then find someone who suits you, don't get with someone on the borderline where you are going to have to worry if they can maintain that, plus if she's overweight by a decent amount then she's very likely going to have these issues back and forth with weight gain and loss so it's not worth it because this will be a problem in the future for you. People who struggle with food tend to do so their whole lives unless they really crack down and maintain a regiment, which is extremely difficult for any considerable length of time. I don't blame you for not being attracted to her body, that's not your choice...however it is your choice to stay with her anyway and make her feel bad for her weight, when she already likely does. So don't think you're doing her any favors by staying with her, this may seem like something small but it'll become something big down the road (no pun intended!). I just became a member, for you. I don't know whether my situation is awkwardly sad or hilarious but for sure, I need you in my life.
Author domple Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 I think the difference between you and the OP is that you were still attracted to the girl as a whole despite her being a little 'too heavy for your tastes'. Based on reading the OP, his entire attraction seems to be predicated on the possibility of her losing that weight. That really isn't a healthy dynamic to begin a relationship with. Hi Elswyth, just to clarify something. I am not sure if you saw this but I wrote this in response to Sanman "Hi Sanman, as I spoke to my mother about before I forgot to mention something, she actually said the same thing as yourself. Yes I am not picture perfect myself and gain and lose weight as well. But I also wrote a list of what i was seeking for in a woman and she ticks 95% of all the boxes... the only 2 are height (shes 3cm taller than me but that doesn't bother me) and the weight (specifically wrote healthy). I genuinely think shes attractive and has similar religious beliefs and everything else." I never mentioned to her about weightloss as she brings it up and how her goal is to be a size 12 and was well on her way to achieving it. When I am with her I dont think about it and when we hung out yesterday I just had fun with her, for some reason its when I am away, in fact she called me after work today and I realise I had a smile on my face when she called. Or perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill all I know is I like her and I want to spend more time with her. Shes fun to be around, uplifting and a great person and I like being around her, I do think shes cute. Its just that I was recently diagnosed as having a hero complex and wanting to date girls with issues. Shes the first girl I met who in my opinion has no issues is what I am looking for. My friends say i do like her because i am so conflicted over this as normally I jump right in and so do the girls and BAM get smashed back. So yeah I do like her, I just wish she opened up to me a little more (as I am used to girls telling me everything in 5 mins) and shes only been with 1 guy (shes 28)
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