Overweight women

[domple]

Hey everyone, I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks now. She's really nice and I've written other stuff about her but all the previous issues have disasted.

 

The only issue is that she's a big girl, I click with her on every level but she's literally on the borderline of what I consider attractive. Before even meeting she was loosing weight and goes to the gym 2-4 times a weeks and ears very healthy but right now even though I do think she is pretty, I am not attracted to her physically but knows when she does loose 10 kilos I will find her attractive.

 

If she didnt care about her looks and was content I would not date her but I know that she is currently doing it. In fact last night at dinner she said she was nervous around me and doesn't want to eat to loose more weight.

 

My friends who have met her do like her and think I'm being weird but as I said she is already on her way to be at least a healthy weight. Any advice?

[The dot]

Hey everyone, I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks now. She's really nice and I've written other stuff about her but all the previous issues have disasted.

 

The only issue is that she's a big girl, I click with her on every level but she's literally on the borderline of what I consider attractive. Before even meeting she was loosing weight and goes to the gym 2-4 times a weeks and ears very healthy but right now even though I do think she is pretty, I am not attracted to her physically but knows when she does loose 10 kilos I will find her attractive.

 

If she didnt care about her looks and was content I would not date her but I know that she is currently doing it. In fact last night at dinner she said she was nervous around me and doesn't want to eat to loose more weight.

 

My friends who have met her do like her and think I'm being weird but as I said she is already on her way to be at least a healthy weight. Any advice?

 

You need to make a decision here, son. You need to either accept her as she is (which might mean being with a woman who is overweight), or you need to get out now. Either way, hooking up with someone who isn't what you want (for whatever reason) and trying to make them change is like buying a house next to the airport and complaining about the noise. She is what she is, either learn to accept her as she is, or tell her now that it's over and let her move on with her life.

[Yookie]

You wont even notice a 10lb difference unless she is extremely short.

 

I agree with the above poster.

[charlietheginger]

Except her as she is or move on..

 

I lost 35 40lbs.... Ive been at the same gym

 

I will not date or even look at women that

Were not friendly or nice to me when i was fat......

 

This girl will do the same to you... She will say

you didn't like me when i was chubby now go.take

A hike...if she looses the weight

[The dot]

You wont even notice a 10lb difference unless she is extremely short.

 

I agree with the above poster.

 

I think he actually said 10 kilos of difference, which equates to about 22lbs.

 

But that doesn't change the real issue. He needs to decide what he wants and communicate that in a clear manner to be fair to her and to himself.

[ascendotum]

There is a saying used on here something like...don't get in a relationship for someone just hoping for their potential. With this girl though, she is making a conscious effort to change and 10 kg is not a huge 'way off in the future potential change'. You could always play the line some women use...'just want to be friends first and see how things go' or 'want to take it slow' in the meantime, but my instinct is to say she is not the one for you, unless you can overlook her weight. I don't want to come off negative on overweight women especially when they going all out to lose weight, but if its a hard slog for her, then you could easily find she drops the effort when she is in a relationship, and if 10 kgs is a passion killer now, it's likely it still will be down the road.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're that on the fence with her weight I would walk away, plus you're already making her feel weird and nervous about eating in front you, that's not going to help her and is only going to make her feel more insecure and pressured. You're basically setting yourself up to look like a douchebag and her to be this insecure girl who's constantly has to feel like if she gains weight she'll lose you, for what? two weeks!

 

If you're complaining about her weight then find someone who suits you, don't get with someone on the borderline where you are going to have to worry if they can maintain that, plus if she's overweight by a decent amount then she's very likely going to have these issues back and forth with weight gain and loss so it's not worth it because this will be a problem in the future for you. People who struggle with food tend to do so their whole lives unless they really crack down and maintain a regiment, which is extremely difficult for any considerable length of time.

 

I don't blame you for not being attracted to her body, that's not your choice...however it is your choice to stay with her anyway and make her feel bad for her weight, when she already likely does. So don't think you're doing her any favors by staying with her, this may seem like something small but it'll become something big down the road (no pun intended!).

[Caligrown]

My husband is the first guy I have ever dated that is small, I mean he is only 5 foot 6inches and weighs about 150 pounds. I have always dated guys that are at least 200 pound "jocks". He is not anything like i had ever dated when I met him. He made me laugh and his personality matched mine perfectly. I was scared to date a guy so small because it was soooo out of the ordinary. The funny hting is, the more time I spent with him, the more I feel in love. You may never know that you could love someone with extra weight if you have never tried it. I almost missed out on my true love because of my fear of something I had never tried. I am a thick woman and bigger more buff men made me feel very good about myself because I'm only 5 foot 3 and a half. You start to see that after you alow yourself to be comfortable it's the BEST feeling in the world.

 

 

 

My advice: if your not willing to go for it fully, dont do it at all. Her loosing weight has nothing to do with you, thats all her. If you dont think she is beautiful now and your waiting for a difference, youll only ever thinl ofher looks rather than her amazing other features she can bring to the table. Either go full force, or leave the thought in the dust!

[orionboxing]

Even if she continues to lose weight, and meets the shape the you find attractive, I guarantee that she will at one point gain all of this weight back.

 

This has happened to me on two occasions with women who were bordering on the "heavy" side of things. They both dropped a lot of weight in the beginning of our relationship to court me, and once things got pretty routine after the first year or so, the weight started coming back. Then sex became less and less because they became embarrassed with their bodies. Then, as you can imagine, a relationship without sex is not really a "relationship" - and those women were soon gone.

 

The same goes for a lot of my guy friends. Once committed, the proverbial jersey came off, the "race" was over, and they got chubby.

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent....but you've got to look past her body. Does she really like you? Do you really like her? Does it feel good to be around here? If so, stick with it. It's certainly better than being with a in-shape bitch that makes your life miserable.

[The dot]

If you're that on the fence with her weight I would walk away, plus you're already making her feel weird and nervous about eating in front you, that's not going to help her and is only going to make her feel more insecure and pressured. You're basically setting yourself up to look like a douchebag and her to be this insecure girl who's constantly has to feel like if she gains weight she'll lose you, for what? two weeks!

 

More to the point, she'll do what she wants to do anyway. If she wants to eat a cheeseburger, but feels weird about eating it in front of him, she'll just do it when he's not around. Really, if you need to scrutinise your partner that much, it's probably a sign that it's time to go.

[orionboxing]

My husband is the first guy I have ever dated that is small, I mean he is only 5 foot 6inches and weighs about 150 pounds.

 

Ha...thanks for making me feel small. At 6-2, 155 - I must scare you!

[domple]

Hi everyone, thank you for your feedback. I had spoken to my mother about this and she said something I had forgotten. She said that sometime people are so caught up with the package that they are forgetful of what's inside. She then said if she ticks all the boxes (values morales and everything else) and she has health issues like myriad that loosing weight is on the agenda then give her time. I have been with people who are obsessed with looks but lack core values.

 

I know not everyone's perfect including myself and as my mother said "of she ticks every box and I can see you are torn by this issue then just give yourself time to adjust as and realise her true beauty as if she ticks everything else you will be throwing something valuable away".

[The dot]

Hi everyone, thank you for your feedback. I had spoken to my mother about this and she said something I had forgotten. She said that sometime people are so caught up with the package that they are forgetful of what's inside. She then said if she ticks all the boxes (values morales and everything else) and she has health issues like myriad that loosing weight is on the agenda then give her time. I have been with people who are obsessed with looks but lack core values.

 

I know not everyone's perfect including myself and as my mother said "of she ticks every box and I can see you are torn by this issue then just give yourself time to adjust as and realise her true beauty as if she ticks everything else you will be throwing something valuable away".

 

Your mother is right, but she forgot to tell you one important point. Accepting her "core value" doesn't mean dating her and nagging her to lose the weight. It means dating her, accepting that she might be a little overweight and shutting up about it. As others have already pointed out, weight problems don't go away for most people. You'll either have to take her as she is, or let go of "what's inside" the package. Your choice.

[domple]

Ok fair point, I really don't want to loose her because is great. I just don't know if I decide to see her or not if I should mention the real reason

[ScreamingTrees]

Ha...thanks for making me feel small. At 6-2, 155 - I must scare you!

 

I feel worse than both of you. Taller than her man, but lighter than either one of you. Then I realize that a majority of Americans are just overweight, and I don't care so much.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ok fair point, I really don't want to loose her because is great. I just don't know if I decide to see her or not if I should mention the real reason

 

Imagine yourself 3 to 5 years from now and by chance you're still with her.

 

You're both older, more responsibilities, she's very busy at work and doesn't have the time to work out and go to the gym like she used because she doesn't have the time in her schedule. She's lost most of her footing with her diet as well, as she's taking food by what is most convenient nowadays. She's also put on a little more weight because of aging, and as you age your body changes, and so now she's about 20 pounds heavier than she is now, maybe even 30.

 

You love her but you still aren't happy about her diet and weight still, you've tried to help and support her but failed in your eyes because you couldn't help fix her problem...a problem she's struggled with her entire life yet you thought with enough motivation and support you could overcome it. So now you're frustrated, again you've started to make her feel bad about her eating, even though you don't intend to make it worse you're more frustrated and disappointed to really care and be sensitive, you've heard the same excuses over the years and you just don't understand why she can't do it.

 

So she's eating worse now, emotionally eating...eating cause she's sad, sad cause she's eating, fat because she's sad and eating to make herself feel better...at least for the moment...

 

Are you seeing where this is going yet?...do you maybe realize now why this is something you've either got to be able accept or let go now?

Edited November 11, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[FitChick]

Has she always been fat? Are her siblings fat? Then it could be a problem. However, if you've seen photos of her from a few years back and she only recently gained weight, it might not be a big deal.

 

What does the OP look like? Perhaps the two of you could be workout buddies or you could ask her advice on how to eat more healthfully if you are not overweight. Why not plan fitness type activities -- cycling, hiking, taking dancing lessons. Most people can improve.

[sassypink74]

If you aren't attracted to her, I say stop seeing her before either of you get more emotionally attached. She is already worrying about eating in front of you. So she obviously knows you have an issue with her weight. Let her go to find someone who accepts her for who she is now, physically and mentally.

[spiderowl]

I think she sounds a great girl who deserves a great guy who loves her personality and accepts her body for what it is. She's going to sense that you are not happy with her weight and that will put pressure on her. You have been fed all this stuff via the media and the 'health industry' which has got a vested interest in making everyone feel they should be spending hours in the gym or eating their special diet, and you feel that she's below standard in this respect. Most people don't have perfect partners and you're probably not perfect either. There might be things about you that she doesn't fancy, who knows?

 

I do think she deserves someone who can love her without reservation. Can you be that person or are you going to hurt her later if she doesn't control or reduce her weight?

[domple]

I think she sounds a great girl who deserves a great guy who loves her personality and accepts her body for what it is. She's going to sense that you are not happy with her weight and that will put pressure on her. You have been fed all this stuff via the media and the 'health industry' which has got a vested interest in making everyone feel they should be spending hours in the gym or eating their special diet, and you feel that she's below standard in this respect. Most people don't have perfect partners and you're probably not perfect either. There might be things about you that she doesn't fancy, who knows?

 

I do think she deserves someone who can love her without reservation. Can you be that person or are you going to hurt her later if she doesn't control or reduce her weight?

 

It's more that I have a condition called colitis which is an IBS and I have ulcers in my intestinal track. My doctor told me that if I go past a weight point then I'm screwed and may have a colostomy bag. It's more about someone who is healthy. Because I have to be otherwise ill have severe problems.

 

Well I saw her today and it didnt bother me about her weight. I just guess it is because in the past I have dated people who were at least healthy (not meaning for but more proportionate).

 

I'm willing to give her a go and take it from there

[Chelsea90]

Try getting her to excercise with you. Long walks and hiking trips. The beauty of nature and in a year you will see a huge change it will be a challenge but how far will you go for this person and if you did help her do that would she be grateful. If you care about someone you care about their health and that includes obesity it is a health risk.. would rather see the people I love in a fit and healthy state rather than in a state of poor health.

[dasein]

Your mother gives good advice, but advice in the thread about not going into something with expectations to be met in the future is good also. Sorry to say, if the attraction is not there -now- you may be doing both of you a disservice by continuing. The very last thing you want is to not be able to have mutually good sex, as that is very important to both you and her. It's not the only thing, but it's important. Good luck whatever you decide.

[CptObvious]

educate her on intermittent fasting

 

 

 

I swear to god when this becomes popular we will have a generation of supermodels that live til they're 150 years old. I'll be too dead by then to be jealous.

[dasein]

Just wanted to add that I don't like some of the veiled and not so veiled blame being leveled at OP in this thread, and don't agree with it at all. OP is obviously a thoughtful person trying to do the right thing here. For example there's no indication that OP is doing something to make her feel weird about eating in front of him, that could be entirely her issue.

[ascendotum]

There's absolutely no joy in being with someone who makes you feel you constantly have to "earn" their admiration and attraction. It's ridiculous what you're doing to this girl - you're making your affection "conditional."

 

Guys like you do more damage to girls like this than you realize. Let her GO so she can find someone who appreciates her exactly for what she IS, and not what you expect her to be. Shame on you.

 

You are assuming more here than is in the OP...with the 'guys like you' crack. He did not say he gave her an ultimatum to lose the weight or else I won't be your bf. I gather she started to be conscious of her weight beforehand and now that she's started to go on dates its on her mind that she needs to look her best if she wants to win him over...something that many of us are conscious of when we start to go out with someone we really like. Is the OP more shameful than the guys who shun this woman and would not even consider going on 1 date with her?

 

She doesn't have to lose the weight, but the fact of the matter is she limits her pool of prospects and will lose out on many guys she'd love to have as her bf, but you are right, that choice is totally hers. Really though a guy that is not her bf can say what he wants in this regard if he does not care to sugarcoat the truth. He does not expect her to be anything, unless she becomes his gf, but he would like for her to have normal weight for him feel greater desire for her, prior to getting in a relationship with her. "you're making your affection "conditional."...not quite when it comes to affection but yes when it comes to his desire to jump her, but he is not laying it on the line to her.

 

As for people appreciating them for who they are, same applies to all the single fat men, and skinny guys and short guys. Many will realize they will miss out on many great girls if they just live by the advice of waiting around for someone who appreciates them for exactly what they are. I've struggled with weight and I have had a number of girls I really liked tell me they would be happy to go out with me or be my gf if I changed my physique, so it goes both ways. I was disappointed, but not angry with them. I don't mind honesty in a rejection.

Edited November 11, 2012 by ascendotum