journey31 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Ok met a guy online. Wonderful, respectful, said he would wait for sex as long as it took until was ready. We would see each other about once a week because of distance. We would talk all day every day. I'm not exaggerating. Good morning text every morning, and we would continue until we went to sleep. Even though he had to get up at 5am, we would talk until 1 or 2 am almost every night. Things were great. No red flags, he said he got none from me either. Finally we had sex. 3 months into it. He said he hadn't been with anyone since his ex. Which was about 6 months. I just realized that meant he was only single 2 months after a 2 year relationship that "ended badly". He mentioned early on he was having trouble pushing that aside. We cuddled and talked and had intimacy along with the sex. I went home. We talked all night. We talked the next day. Then he has ignored me for about 3 weeks now. A few weeks before this he told me he has ptsd, from nearly being killed in combat. Of course actions speak, but based on our relationship, it didn't seem fake. I just don't believe it was a game. I honestly feel it became too much. I've reached out a few times, but nothing. I am going to stop contact. If he got scared will he come back? Anything i can do. Deep down this doesn't feel over. And yes, he is worth it to take back. I was so happy, and was blindsided. No warning.
Balzac Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 You knew he had recently been in a combat zone?
Author journey31 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 FEW You knew he had recently been in a combat zone? It has been about 3 years, but he still isn't 100% physically better. Didn't know about the ptsd until about 2 months in
Balzac Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 " I honestly feel it became too much." The massive amount of time devoted to electronic communication sounds to be excessive. I get euphoria and honeymoon phase but what you describe comes across as no boundary, obsession, red flag. I would not communicate with him again. Period. Dropping out is an indication that he has other love interests, cannot cope or worse. Move on.
Author journey31 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 " I honestly feel it became too much." The massive amount of time devoted to electronic communication sounds to be excessive. I get euphoria and honeymoon phase but what you describe comes across as no boundary, obsession, red flag. . I meant too much for him bc we got closer emotionally. I had no issue with the communication. I liked talking to him, he said he liked talking to me. It wasn't scary, obsessive. We did give space when needed. We do have lives, but when we had free time we were talking to each other. I do feel it was too much to have been a game. I miss him. I don't want it to be over.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Sounds like he realized, upon becoming intimate with you, how not-over-his-ex he was. I don't think the PTSD has anything to do with it. Just my $0.02. 3
Author journey31 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Sounds like he realized, upon becoming intimate with you, how not-over-his-ex he was. I don't think the PTSD has anything to do with it. Just my $0.02. Honestly, i was thinking that. If he played me he wouldn't have still contacted me the next day, or the night i left. Once i walked out the door, he was home free. He initiated contact, not me. She is in a relationship now. I did the math a few days ago and realized, we started dating within months of his breakup. We did discuss our differences. She was controlling and bitchy, I'm not. He did like a page on Facebook a few days ago saying i love red heads. Both the ex and i are red heads.. (ii defriended him, just couldn't take the temptation to look any more) My reason for brining up ptsd was i know they have intimacy issues. So what do i do? Give him space and contact him in a few months? Or give up?
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 He did like a page on Facebook a few days ago saying i love red heads. Both the ex and i are red heads.. At least he has good taste. So what do i do? Give him space and contact him in a few months? Or give up? After three months together, he completely dropped off the face of the earth for weeks, without so much as an "I'm going through a rough time right now" or "I need some space" type of conversation. He's ignored your attempts to contact him. Regardless of what he's going through, this is selfish, immature, and inconsiderate behaviour. Personally, I'd be done with him for good. 3
thegreatesthumphrey Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 First off, where are you from... sounds like my ex! haha. No... but SERIOUSLY! Real life experience dating what I have labeled "serial daters".... You can find the majority of these emotionally unstable men on, none other than, the online dating world! It is MUCH too easy for them to be successful at accomplishing exactly what they want to accomplish! It is like their breeding ground. I completely experienced Deja Vu after reading your post. Let me start with asking you a question... How often has he told you stories or experiences that quote-on-quote left him hurt or damaged? How often has he told you things which made you feel sorry for him? For example, that his ex was controlling and a bitch. My ex said the same thing. I was with him for two years. Turns out his ex was not at all. She was just a caring person who fell for his lies until they ran out. I am now in the same position she is. Second example, PTSD, my ex told me the same thing as well. He had no PTSD. It was all just a ploy to get attention, care, and concern. These men do not have a conscience. I am not exaggerating. They truly feel no remorse or even think twice about any of their actions. The completely ignoring you part happened to so many females right before we started our relationship as well as a little over a year into it. Now, I have linked this to some type of emotional damage during their childhood. As was the case with my Ex, but still no excuse. When they are done with you they just move on. I am going to finish this, but I have to post it and come back. lol
Author journey31 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 He never bashed the ex. He never said anything bad about her. He never tried to get sympathy. He never really revealed too much. I picked up on the ptsd and asked him. He actually withdrew a little any time emotion was shown. He's just never stayed gone this long. The most was 2 days I have had a guy like yours though. With him 2 years. First off, where are you from... sounds like my ex! haha. No... but SERIOUSLY! Real life experience dating what I have labeled "serial daters".... You can find the majority of these emotionally unstable men on, none other than, the online dating world! It is MUCH too easy for them to be successful at accomplishing exactly what they want to accomplish! It is like their breeding ground. I completely experienced Deja Vu after reading your post. Let me start with asking you a question... How often has he told you stories or experiences that quote-on-quote left him hurt or damaged? How often has he told you things which made you feel sorry for him? For example, that his ex was controlling and a bitch. My ex said the same thing. I was with him for two years. Turns out his ex was not at all. She was just a caring person who fell for his lies until they ran out. I am now in the same position she is. Second example, PTSD, my ex told me the same thing as well. He had no PTSD. It was all just a ploy to get attention, care, and concern. These men do not have a conscience. I am not exaggerating. They truly feel no remorse or even think twice about any of their actions. The completely ignoring you part happened to so many females right before we started our relationship as well as a little over a year into it. Now, I have linked this to some type of emotional damage during their childhood. As was the case with my Ex, but still no excuse. When they are done with you they just move on. I am going to finish this, but I have to post it and come back. lol
Author journey31 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Thank you. I have tried to explain that to a friend who doesn't understand how serious ptsd is. He is so wonderful. But did just as people say they do, went poof. I know it will be almost impossible for a relationship, but i care deeply for him, and want to at least have him as a friend and be there for him. I hate that he's dealing with stuff and I'm not there to help. [/b]I just ended a relationship with a man who has combat PTSD. My advice is to run. This isn't going to get better. He may or may not come back but this is how things will always be. The best you can hope for is a relationship that will have some pleasant moments, with lots and lots of pain. These men are wonderful, sweet, attentive when you meet them and then they just drift off. I'm not being nasty here, just trying to save you some time. There is nothing you can do about any of it, because it has nothing to do with you. It's not another woman, it's not that you're not doing things correctly. He's damaged. If you think I'm being harsh or that I don't understand, there is a great website devoted entirely to PTSD that you can look up on google. You'll find story after story after story that mirrors yours identically. You're right when you say it became too much. It will always be too much. Even with therapy and medication, this isn't a disorder that ever goes away. Combat PTSD sets you up for a lifetime of sadness and disappointment as a caregiver. If you're a young woman, and you want a family someday or you have kids in the home, RUN! It's not going to get better and it will probably get worse. Don't take this lightly. It's serious and very few people are up to the task of dealing with someone in your BFs condition. Lot's of people on this board mean well when they offer up advice, but unless you've been involved with someone with this disorder, you don't really understand what it's about or what's coming. I just watched a woman whose husband was diagnosed 7 years ago lose everything after 28 years of marriage. He just up and kicked her and her two younger kids out of the house with no money and nowhere to go. It really does not ever go away. Is that a future you want to risk for yourself?
Author journey31 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I've seen her. He is still tagged in some pictures on fb with her in them. How and why do you know the ex is a red head? That sounds weird right there...he obviously told you? If he is one of those people that has fetishes...than you may just be a replacement. I shave my head...I have had women tell me..."oh I love bald guys"...that makes me think "ok thats great...would you still like me if I wasnt bald?" Too many people fixate on generalized attributes, rather than the specific individual.
Drseussgrrl Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 As women it's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for a man who is no good for us. I went through this with a man I dated over the summer who was going through a nasty divorce. I felt so badly for the poor thing even though he wasn't meeting MY needs or taking into account MY feelings. Please don't do this. Yes it sucks for him but he's choosing not to have you around and you should listen to that loud and clear. You can't be his friend because you feel more for him than that; be honest with yourself. Any sort of relationship with him is going to be one-sided and will leave you feeling resentful and frustrated because it will be based on a whim in regards to how he's feeling day to day. You dodged a bullet.
Author journey31 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 But he was doing everything right up until now. That's why I'm so confused. I know what he's doing is wrong, but now I'm like who the hell is this This isn't the person i know As women it's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for a man who is no good for us. I went through this with a man I dated over the summer who was going through a nasty divorce. I felt so badly for the poor thing even though he wasn't meeting MY needs or taking into account MY feelings. Please don't do this. Yes it sucks for him but he's choosing not to have you around and you should listen to that loud and clear. You can't be his friend because you feel more for him than that; be honest with yourself. Any sort of relationship with him is going to be one-sided and will leave you feeling resentful and frustrated because it will be based on a whim in regards to how he's feeling day to day. You dodged a bullet.
thegreatesthumphrey Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 To be honest, you are probably not going to like hearing this, but right now you are so infatuated with the guy that you are blinding yourself to his faults and to any truths that contradict what you want to believe of him. The only thing to do is to let time go by and you will start to figure it out..
mortensorchid Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 My last serious bf, I believe, was suffering from some kind of PTSD. Not due to any combat situation, but because of other traumatic things have have happened to him (breaking bones, surgeries, etc.) to put him back together. He is/was in constant pain from most of these things. That can mess with a person's mind. On top of that, I determined that he is/was an Alpha Male (which your guy sounds like as well) - more fun than a barrel of monkeys, plays mind games (in your case, the texting), is a tornado in the sack, but it's going to get old real fast when he's getting fall down, stupid drunk, getting into fist fights, calling for bail money and throwing chairs through windows. I'm all for fun and games, but we're grown ups now. If he's going to pull some foolishness and cruelty like that on you, it's not someone you want to be with anyway. Move on and don't contact him anymore. If he does you, ignore him.
Author journey31 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Well he doesn't drink so the bail thing wouldn't happen. He definitely got in my head. I'm just racking my brain looking for red flags and can't see any even in hindsight. I'm going nuts [/b][/b]My last serious bf, I believe, was suffering from some kind of PTSD. Not due to any combat situation, but because of other traumatic things have have happened to him (breaking bones, surgeries, etc.) to put him back together. He is/was in constant pain from most of these things. That can mess with a person's mind. On top of that, I determined that he is/was an Alpha Male (which your guy sounds like as well) - more fun than a barrel of monkeys, plays mind games (in your case, the texting), is a tornado in the sack, but it's going to get old real fast when he's getting fall down, stupid drunk, getting into fist fights, calling for bail money and throwing chairs through windows. I'm all for fun and games, but we're grown ups now. If he's going to pull some foolishness and cruelty like that on you, it's not someone you want to be with anyway. Move on and don't contact him anymore. If he does you, ignore him.
Author journey31 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 That sucks. He was so wonderful. I was so happy. I even thought it was too good to be true. [/b]Exactly. This is the real person. The one you will be stuck with for as long as you're involved with him.
Author journey31 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Its so hard because I've fallen for him already. I know i don't want to deal with this all the time, but he was so good. I was happy, and i can't walk away from someone i care about. I feel wrong. No one understands this better than me right now. I watched an energetic, affectionate, generous, loving man turn into a sullen, ill-tempered, uncommunicative hermit over the past six months. I saw him last about a week ago and realized that that second person was just as real as the man I met. Even if he gets better, he will inevitably return to this state. The same holds true for you. My advice is to try to keep in mind those first few weeks and months... you really do deserve to be loved like that. You will find someone who will be able to give you this on more than a very limited part-time basis. Don't let yourself get bitter over this. He gave you a great deal of pleasure for a little while. That's the important thing. Just take care of yourself and be careful not to get sucked back in if he does resurface. Good women waste years of their lives on these situations. Don't be one of them.
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