Lessons Learned

[dweemyss]

This is not really a post about my breakup, which I recently began with my lover of the past 2 and a half years. But, prior to this relationship I was in a 19 year dating and marriage relationship with my now ex-wife, so what I say is influenced by two significant relationships I have had over the past 25 years of my life. This is intended to share a little of my perspective from what I have learned over the past (gulp) 2.5 decades.

 

I have read a lot of posts on LS while coping with the most recent break up in my life. There is no shortage of really hard stories here, ones that make mine pale in comparison. Like many people I too have swung back and forth between hope and despair, blind anger and crazy happiness, all while trying to deal with the emotional trials and rewards of a relationship that could not give me what I want and need. And it is about want and need, at least for me, and the choices I made in pursuit of fulfilling these sometimes opposing states of being that make up the foundation of a relationship and whether it is healthy or not.

 

We are all responsible for being in whatever current relationship status we find ourselves. It is easy to blame the other person, I have done so many times, but when the blame game subsides the same situation will still be there staring us in the face. When I was in relationships with the two women who have been such an important part of my life, I chose to be with them (no, not at the same time). I chose to pursue what I thought I wanted and what I thought I needed from being with them. What I learned is that often it is easy to confuse want and need and while pursuing want and need warning signs can be easily ignored. In both cases my wanting companionship and affection blinded me to what I needed: Open, honest and reliable communication; a healthy, non-controlling relationship allowing both partners/lovers to explore their professional and emotional potential; and a passionate and stimulating love life.

 

I can only say that when anyone begins a relationship to always take some time to breathe, to allow the giddy sensation to subside long enough to stay in touch with yourself. If possible, always have a part of the head and heart on an even keel. Do not lose yourself in the other person on a long term basis. That state of being can blind you to things other people might see easily being on the "outside" of the relationship.

 

In both of my relationships I ignored warning signs that should have told me my needs would likely not be met as I pursued my want for companionship. And in both cases that was my choice. It has been very difficult to accept I am in all likelihood largely responsible for why both relationships had to end. That I am responsible because I was not honest enough with myself, or blinded by my wanting to have companionship, is a real kick in the backside.

 

If what I have written so far can be called the preventative side of the breakup story, then this other bit is the actual breakup side. I really do not believe there is one best method for coping with a breakup. I have tried both NC and the "let's try to remain friends" way of letting go. In both cases it hurt like hell and was hard, but for different reasons. If there is a draw back to NC it is that questions we may have will go unanswered. For those that really need to understand why, NC might be the harder choice to make. And the other is a potential temptation every time there is contact, even while understanding is gained. I have no advice other than to say we have to recognize our mental and emotional health and wellfare is the primary objective once we enter into a breakup so make the choice that will best allow healing and closure. Just be honest with yourself as to the reasons why you choose an approach and then stick to your choice.

 

One last thing. Never beat yourself down over a breakup. These things happen every single day of the year to millions of people all over this crazy planet for all kinds of reasons, both good and bad. Be honest, be loving, pick yourself up and move forward as best you can.