HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 have you ever confronted the BS? did you regret it afterwards and what happened afterwards? Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 Why would you confront the BS? I know some "tell" or "confess" but your choice of words leaves me confused. Confronting the BS implies that she has done something to you that you feel the need to "call her on." Whether you like her or not the fact remains that to YOU, she/he has probably done nothing wrong. Whether there is any fault in the marriage lies between the 2 of them. It wouldn't be your place to confront the BS with anything. Maybe I'm not sure what you are asking. Either way, no. I don't think the OW/OM ever has any business contacting or speaking to the BS for any reason, before, during or after the affair. I agree with this ^^^ Let him deal with his wife the way he will. Especially if you've already broken up. You have no business "confronting" her at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 have you ever confronted the BS? did you regret it afterwards and what happened afterwards? You would tell her for what purpose? So she would kick him out, divorce her and run to you? I have to ask too, you say 'confront'. Why would you confront her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 bad choice of words. when i said confront, i meant to come clean, to bring it to the point of no return so that he will stop talking to you and bring it to the point of no return. cuz you just dont know how else to move on... am i making any sense? Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 bad choice of words. when i said confront, i meant to come clean, to bring it to the point of no return so that he will stop talking to you and bring it to the point of no return. cuz you just dont know how else to move on... am i making any sense? I'm in the exact same stage you're in right now. Everyone is saying to tell her, but i don't feel its my job, for one, Two, i don't want to bring anymore drama or attention to myself. And three, i would never want to do anything to hurt or cause problems in HIS life. I chose to stay away...it won't bring closure..it will bring more drama, pain, and confusion for all three of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 bad choice of words. when i said confront, i meant to come clean, to bring it to the point of no return so that he will stop talking to you and bring it to the point of no return. cuz you just dont know how else to move on... am i making any sense? Build your own strength to let go out of the A. Especially with long As like yours, he'll be back after dday to resume. The only difference will be that your status will become even lower. There's also a chance dday will get you NC and throw them into hysterical bonding. As much as I loved exMM, I don't love him enough to be the catalyst of him falling in love all over again with his wife. If that's what he wants, he can confess. It won't help you. Just let them live their life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 bad choice of words. when i said confront, i meant to come clean, to bring it to the point of no return so that he will stop talking to you and bring it to the point of no return. cuz you just dont know how else to move on... am i making any sense? If you can't move on on your own, or he won't respect your wishes, then coming clean to her is one way that you can "ensure" the A stops I suppose. I didn't have to do that and probably wouldn't resort to that. I'd attempt to go NC and tell him to respect it first and if he doesn't then that would be my last line of defense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 I remember thinking exactly like that in the past. Never did it though. He had had sex with his wife again after almost a year of exclusivity, and I felt betrayed and was worried it would continue. I've been the betrayed spouse before and do not wish to be in that position again. So I was contemplating telling the wife as I saw it as the only way to end our relationship, being the attraction between the two of us is so strong. I wouldn't do it today though no matter what happened. His marriage is his marriage and I'm not interested in getting involved in it in any way. How is being in an A with someone's husband, less involved in the marriage than telling the BS you've been in the A? It amounts to the same thing. Confessing you've been in an A to the BS is not "getting involved in the marriage"....being in the A is what would be considered that. The action of telling someone, once, that their spouse is having an affair is way less "involved" than the act of having sex, trips, spending time and money with someone else's spouse lol...I think the latter is waaaay more involved and has a greater impact on a marriage than the one time act of telling. So if one can do the latter, I don't think "not wanting to be involved in the M" is really a good reason for not confessing, as that horse already left the gate. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
justcantletgo Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 yes i did, coz he lied to me about being married but i regret it. coz now we totally have NC and i missed him more and more each day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 I've never confronted/contacted BW, but came seriously close once. I'd told xMM I was pregnant, and after waiting 20 mins past the 15 mins he told me he'd call me back in and 10 unanswered phone calls, I was a basketcase and literally seconds away from calling her. xMM called me as I was getting his home number. I've never thought about exposing the A to end it or contact. I can understand the feelings you may have (I briefly read one of your other threads), but I would suggest trying other options instead. Options that don't involve potential for unseen and possibly damaging ramifications and regret. It is much healthier, empowering, and insightful to conquer obstacles because you rose to the occasion than it is by pulling someone else down particularly when it's for unnecessary or selfish reasons (although I admit I may fall short at times myself). I'm not saying that you shouldn't (I'm glad I didn't). I'm just saying think about the outcome beyond your goal, and think of why you want to tell her (which I believe involves more than ending the A, apologies if wrong) and if that's the kind of person you want to be. Sometimes we are better and stronger than we think we are or allow ourselves to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 Sometimes I feel like FCK it all, and let the chips fall where they may. Give her all the cards pictures jewelry he gave me over the years and say "tell him never ever to call me again, I can't take this anymore!" What would happen then... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 That is how you see it. This is how I see it: I'm in no way involved in his marriage. He is. The two relationships are two separate relationships with one common denominator: the MM. You're putting way too much importance on the marriage in my opinion. It's just a relationship like any other. Even if it wasn't a marriage...my opinion would be the same, it's not about whether it's a marriage or if marriage is 'the same like any other relationship". It's just seems like a very oxymoronic concept to me to be involved in an EMR with someone who already was with someone else then say you don't want to get involved in that relationship by admitting you're dating this person's SO. As though the admitting it part is what makes you involved.... You're not a part of the marriage by admitting you're in an A....that is what doesn't make sense to me. If I tell my neighbor that her husband was hitting on me, I'm not "in their marriage". How would that count as being a part of their marriage by telling her this? If however, I were in a relationship with her husband, I think the lines would be less clear and that would qualify as being in their marriage a lot more lolll. That's what I'm saying. But you are free to see it as you wish. It just seemed like a bizarre form of logic to me. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 If he's not ready himself to have the EMR exposed, the likelihood is that he will spend quite some time sucking up to her. He will concentrate on her. You don't want that, do you? Right now he's there, likely thinking of you. Much better, isn't it? Wow............. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) Sometimes I feel like FCK it all, and let the chips fall where they may. Give her all the cards pictures jewelry he gave me over the years and say "tell him never ever to call me again, I can't take this anymore!" What would happen then... Welll....a series of things could happen. But if you want to be done with him, there are less messy ways of doing it. That's a passive way, where essentially you force it versus making the choice for yourself to be done and leave him to his own devises. But yeaa as Trinity advised, he will focus on her if you do that, and leave you alone. Although she has posited that now he is thinking of you and that's better (not sure how), but you're obviously quite fed up and not interested in his thoughts about you ....so that can be one way to once and for all see the truth if and when he does focus on saving his M and you can grieve and be done. I for one would take no solace in the fact that the only reason my "boyfriend" isn't ignoring me and kissing up to his wife is because I'm still a secret. I would never advise anyone to be in a relationship where they have to play games and surrender their dignity to keep their man's attention...it's very childish, petty and plain sad. Edited November 10, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 Welll....a series of things could happen. But if you want to be done with him, there are less messy ways of doing it. That's a passive way, where essentially you force it versus making the choice for yourself to be done and leave him to his own devises. But yeaa as Trinity advised, he will focus on her if you do that, and leave you alone. Although she has posited that now he is thinking of you and that's better (not sure how), but you're obviously quite fed up and not interested in his thoughts about you ....so that can be one way to once and for all see the truth if and when he does focus on saving his M and you can grieve and be done. I for one would take no solace in the fact that the only reason my "boyfriend" isn't ignoring me and kissing up to his wife is because I'm still a secret. I would never advise anyone to be in a relationship where they have to play games and surrender their dignity to keep their man's attention...it's very childish, petty and plain sad. i guess i feel like i want to impact his life as much as he impacted mine. and i know i can just walk away, but i don't know "how" to. I feel so trapped now. It's eating at me slowly, sometimes I just want to hear him say FCK YOU HAVE A NICE LIFE and then I will feel the pain and then try to heal. But now it's like a scab over and over and over and it won't heal, I want to rip that band aid so to speak... I really REAALLY REAAAAAALLLLLLY dont know what to do. I feel paralyzed and all these years he has been my best friend gave me advice about work, life, etc, now that it's about HIM I can't discuss these things with him so I really have no one to talk to.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 what do i do now Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 ^find another job. you need to get away from ALL these people. you're starting to sound a bit unstable. seek professional immediately! Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) You know, you have two threads up. One saying how you don't wanna let go, and you wanna continue being his friend. And one saying how you wanna tell him wife so that you'll start to hate each other. You're all over the place right now, and i get that. But you've gotta stop contradicting yourself. Figure out what it is you want, and make it happen. Edited November 10, 2012 by jennifernyc84 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 That is how you see it. This is how I see it: I'm in no way involved in his marriage. He is. The two relationships are two separate relationships with one common denominator: the MM. You're putting way too much importance on the marriage in my opinion. It's just a relationship like any other. I think sleeping with one of the partners in a marriage entails being involved in their marriage. But I am particular like that. LOL 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 If he's not ready himself to have the EMR exposed, the likelihood is that he will spend quite some time sucking up to her. He will concentrate on her. You don't want that, do you? Right now he's there, likely thinking of you. Much better, isn't it? Yeah. No. But nice try. LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 what do i do now Are you ok with just remaining the other woman? If you are then do nothing, continue being his friend and distract yourself with other men. Exposing won't get you more unless his wife is just looking for a reason to end the marriage. Woman will hold on to their men after dday out of desperation and not wanting to lose to another woman. If you expose I don't know if he'd continue with the affair underground or if that would be the end of it. Now if he gets caught and he doesn't know that you were behind it then he may want to continue past dday. Just remember he may try to throw you under the bus to save his ass. He will tell her whatever she needs to hear to hold on. Men are often not as strong as a woman when it comes to matters of the heart. Just be prepared to lose him completely if the ***** hits the fan, Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I think sleeping with one of the partners in a marriage entails being involved in their marriage. But I am particular like that. LOL Especially if the vows are about the two becoming one flesh and what's mine is yours and all that...then rightfully, sleeping with and having a relationship with one part of the unit is considered being involved in the marriage...but I too am particular like that . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 i guess i feel like i want to impact his life as much as he impacted mine. and i know i can just walk away, but i don't know "how" to. I feel so trapped now. It's eating at me slowly, sometimes I just want to hear him say FCK YOU HAVE A NICE LIFE and then I will feel the pain and then try to heal. But now it's like a scab over and over and over and it won't heal, I want to rip that band aid so to speak... I really REAALLY REAAAAAALLLLLLY dont know what to do. I feel paralyzed and all these years he has been my best friend gave me advice about work, life, etc, now that it's about HIM I can't discuss these things with him so I really have no one to talk to.. So are you still in the A now? But if you truly feel the only way to break free is to expose the A, then go for it! That will get rid of the paralysis, as that way decisions, some not your own, will be made in one direction or another. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 OP, i know that there is a view expressed on here that an other man/woman is not involved in the marriage, but honestly, that isn't for the other man/woman to decide. They may feel that, in their ow heart ad mind they were not involved, but to decide that for the betrayed spouse simply isn't right. Just like his betrayed spouse doesn't get to decide how you feel, you don't get to decide how she feels...right or wrong, true or untrue, it's how she feels.... you may not place much value on the idea of marriage ( or at least not his marriage, though I think you may feel quite different if the tables were turned), but it's more than likely that she does...and now you've inserted yourself into their marriage, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter how you got there...invited by him or not, you're there... if you were in her place, what would you want to have happen? how would you feel? would you want to know your spouse was heating or not? Look inside yourself and you'll know what to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 OP, i know that there is a view expressed on here that an other man/woman is not involved in the marriage, but honestly, that isn't for the other man/woman to decide. They may feel that, in their ow heart ad mind they were not involved, but to decide that for the betrayed spouse simply isn't right. Just like his betrayed spouse doesn't get to decide how you feel, you don't get to decide how she feels...right or wrong, true or untrue, it's how she feels.... you may not place much value on the idea of marriage ( or at least not his marriage, though I think you may feel quite different if the tables were turned), but it's more than likely that she does...and now you've inserted yourself into their marriage, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter how you got there...invited by him or not, you're there... if you were in her place, what would you want to have happen? how would you feel? would you want to know your spouse was heating or not? Look inside yourself and you'll know what to do. I was in a 13 year relationship prior to this. My ex cheated on me and it was a deal breaker. I wasn't happy for some time before I found out by accident (saw an email he sent her) and I confronted him and we tried to work at it but for me it was just halfheartedly cuz I couldn't bring myself to either forgive or forget. And even as I was saying we could start again, I already knew there was nothing that would save our relationship. If I could choose all over I think I still would want to know tho.... So you're saying that I should tell her??? Please someone just tell me yes or no I'm really confused at fcked up at this point and I don't know how it got like that. I wish I wasn't so understanding and compassionate I wish I didn't love him so so much!! Or I wish I could hate him more!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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