Isolated after a break up & Living away from friends and family

[northernmatt30]

I will try and make this short and sweet but It may not end up that way!

 

Nearly 4 years ago (March 2009) I moved from the north of england to the south to start a new life and simply become more independant for myself, everything was new to me and was a great experience learning the southern language!

 

I was working as a temp for a call centre soon after I moved and 6 months later, was moved to a different team, which is where I met my 1st love, Liz, who was 9 years my senior, age has never been an issue for us.

 

Our 1st date was fantastic, cinema watching SAw6 on halloween night 09'! Since then we have had 3 of the best years together,and although we have never lived with each other due to her having already a 16 year old daughter with whom she receives tax credits for (she would lose a lot of money if i moved in)we both enjoyed our nights in, went to watch more movies and simply enjoyed the simple things such as watching TV and window shopping hand in hand.We have always been a very tactile couple, hugging, kissing and cuddling on the sofa. As I did not have many friends in my new place, my main happiness was through her.

 

Over time though we have had problems with our intimate and sexual side which was mainly down to me, and this frustrated Liz every few weeks (I put it down to her cycle and waited for her to calm down a few days later). It came to a point earlier this year that we began councelling sessions for this problem, which was mainly down to me . What I did not tell our counciller is that I was engaging in watching porn each and every day at my own place at night, and only mentioned this to Liz on the night she got so down and confidence so low that she wanted a break (Oct 2012). I would like to add that since she gave birth to her daughter of 16 years, she has taken anti-depressants which plays havoc with her mood swings. Weather she sticks to her decision or regrets what she has done is another thing.

 

We both chatted and agreed that a break is the best option, she was obviously very upset that she feels that 3 years of 'rejection' on the sexual side due to my addiction was too much. During the break I unfortunately was admitted to hospital for a paracetamol overdose, I did not intend to end things at all, It was merely a cry for help I think.

 

During a break of 2 weeks with limited text contact, I received help from the councillor on how to combat/stop the porn addiction and the overdose, and after 2 weeks, it worked, I seemed more excitable and when it came to seeing liz after our break, she was pleasantly surprised at how i'd changed. Unfortunately my actions with the overdose confused her very much and wanted more time to herself. I then took a week or two to travel north to relax with my friends and family. During this time myself and Liz were still in text contact, I think she just wantd to know I would be OK.

 

After returning from the north to resume work after my hospital visit, myself and Liz met last night to discuss what steps we were going to take. After a half hour chat It seems that she now wants someone her own age who can take care of her and look after her (financially too I think). Her best friend has recently met a much older man with money to spend on her, and it is on my mind that she may be rather jealous of this and also wants to be treated in this way. I reluctantly agreed and although we still both want each other and love each other, she has fallen out of love. She still want to spend time together as friends (shopping and helping each other out) but I am unsure if this is appropriate.

 

Over the course of the last few weeks, this has left me very isolated in a room to myself, 200 miles away from my family and friends. I am torn between leaving the life I have built here (job, football team) and sticking to it and somehow meet other people, or to move north with friends and family again and re-start a career .

 

As I mentioned earlier a lot of my time was spent with Liz when not at work, and now she has gone, I have so much time but so little to do.

 

Just need some advise on what my next steps can be. I dont want to do a knee jerk decision now and quit everything, maybe I should give it a few weeks and decide. And with Liz, can we do things just as friends or will this be too much for her? She would like for us to do things such as food shopping at the weekends but I fear she is just doing this as she is worried I am on my own and no one to turn to.

 

Many thanks

[dweemyss]

Your situation is in some ways similar to mine I think, at least with regard to time and distance from friends and family. I am in the early stages of leaving a 2 and a half year relationship that has taken me 1700 miles from my home state in the US. I moved to a town with no support system at all, so my social life has been largely, but not exclusively, time spent with my lover. We have both agreed that we cannot have a relationship in which we will share a home and get married. Too many reasons why to go into. But, when the reality of the situation hit me, I set in motion what I would call a tactical withdrawal, not a disorderly retreat. It took several months to come to this conclusion, but once I was through the tunnel I established future employment and living accommodations back home (all with help of the friends and family I left when I moved). I have decided that 4 months will be adequate time for me to take care of all my affairs where I currently live prior to leaving. In the meantime, I have chosen to still see my lover on an occasional basis, but I no longer consider our relationship one that has any future. Is it hard? Yes. It is also painful, but we have shared too many special times together to simply break things off precipitously. She remains a dear friend and I do still love her. I know over time things will begin to fade and become easier and because we both know March 2013 will see the end of our time together, it makes the few months left perhaps a bit more precious. For me, once things no longer could work there was no sense in being so very far from home. I understand in some measure how you must feel and wish you all the best. If I have any advice it would be to not act in haste or make decisions without making sure your emotions are not controlling your reasoning. Be well.

Edited November 10, 2012 by dweemyss