Unfinished Business

[ladyabstrused]

Lately, there's this feeling that keeps bugging me and when I try to identify what's really bothering me, I think of "unfinished business". This is regarding my previous abusive relationship. I still have things belonging to me that are still with my ex and I would really like them back. I wrote the ex an email asking back for my stuff but guess what, the ex has gone missing. No responses anymore. Number is no longer in use either so texts were obviously not received. I initiated strict NC when we broke up.. and I know this is probably the best for me - but I can't help but feel that there's unfinished business. Maybe I can get rid of this feeling by ignoring it. I'm sure sooner or later I'll get over it and eventually I'll let go of it.

 

Does any of you go through times like these? What do you do? Doesn't it drive you crazy when you want your stuff back from your ex but then they're missing and uncontactable?

[not-a-drive-by]

Are these belongings of great significance or monetary value? If not, just let it be.

 

I have a few items of mine at my ex's place, and I have a bunch of his books, house keys and a plush dog that was given to him by his father (who passed away when he was very little). He hasn't asked for them back and I have attempted to ask for my stuff back, but it failed. So, I think we're just going to leave it at that. Maybe some time along the road when he contacts me again, we can bring up this issue. I don't think I'll use it as an excuse to contact him, although, it has been quite tempting at times.

[ladyabstrused]

They're random things that mean something to me AND also this involves money. I hate to seem as though I'm only wanting my money back but honestly, that was all of my savings. Yes I was stupid to give it to my ex (it was meant to be kept as savings for the future). I cannot believe I did what I did but I know better now.

 

I guess I could just let it go. I don't know why it bugs me only 6 months after the break up. I probably should've tried getting my stuff back earlier when the ex was still contactable.

 

If I were you, and I knew those things would mean a lot to my ex, I would actually return them without even waiting for him to ask or I'd feel really bad holding on to such items relating to his family.

 

Why did your attempt in asking for your stuff back failed?

[JWRP]

Hi Lady, I used to post to you under long distance as LC and switched to not be feeling a need to explain the name : ).

 

If I was in your position I'd kiss it all goodbye. Honestly Lady hearing that he had you giving him money really makes me sad : (. On top of all his other BS he had gotten you tricked into probably supporting him without knowing you were : (((. I really hope for you it isn't that much money and you can easily replace it. I worry though since you said all your savings : ((. To me it sounds like when you went NC he ran with your money. I'm sorry for you Lady : (

 

Can you replace your savings quickly?

 

You had mentioned another guy a few months back how did that turn out? Any luck?

[ladyabstrused]

Hi Lady, I used to post to you under long distance as LC and switched to not be feeling a need to explain the name : ).

 

If I was in your position I'd kiss it all goodbye. Honestly Lady hearing that he had you giving him money really makes me sad : (. On top of all his other BS he had gotten you tricked into probably supporting him without knowing you were : (((. I really hope for you it isn't that much money and you can easily replace it. I worry though since you said all your savings : ((. To me it sounds like when you went NC he ran with your money. I'm sorry for you Lady : (

 

Can you replace your savings quickly?

 

You had mentioned another guy a few months back how did that turn out? Any luck?

 

Hey You!! Aww it's so good to hear from you again! I wondered what happened to you! Glad you're back! How have you been??

 

Well yes it does feel like as though I got scammed in a way, you know? But I'm not sure how much of that relationship was a scam. It makes me wonder. If he was in it for the money. (I was doing better than him income-wise.)

 

It's all right, I take it as a learning experience. :\

 

I haven't been able to replace it as well as I could've. It's too bad.

 

And yes, luck was on my side. It's long distance though, yet another one but if this goes well, I'm planning on closing the gap in a couple of years' time.

So far it's been going really well. I'm going to the UK to see him in 10 days!! I'm super excited!

[JWRP]

Things are great for me, thank you for asking. I take my last plane trip without her ever to see her again next week over Thanksgiving. On top of that next month, after almost a year and half, we stop torturing ourselves with long distance!!! I'm leaving my friends and family to be with her and finish a college program where she lives. It's really a hard move to let go of everything but she says she is willing to come back with me after I finish my program. We both agree her flat farmland state is miserable but he college is great for getting into difficult college programs. Compromises and sacrifices are all worth it to me in order to close the gap and keep on track toward our goals : ).

 

I can't believe you went for another LD to torture yourself again; you must like the torture haha : P. We know it's not that bad but it's not that easy to be apart either. Just remember the red flags you had before with your new guy. Did you tell him at all about the last LD? I think it's worth it to hear his opinion and gauge his reaction to be sure he's not that type of guy, I'd do it in person too.

 

The money thing is so unfortunate. I think money becomes the focal point for most relationship failures. So because I think that, I used to worry a lot when my girlfriends would mention money. My other half doesn't ever bring up money unless she wants me to stop spending it; but we both know exactly where our finances stand. So she got kind of mad when I bought plane tickets during Thanksgiving holidays haha : ). Hopefully you aren't going to be the only one spending money and he'll step up without you even saying a thing. I hope the new guy is a good man, I think you are owed one about now.

 

Other than the worries about the ex how are things? You must being doing ok if you are going to the UK in 10 days!! Since you can still get tickets to see lover boy : ), money isn't that big of a problem? Enjoy the vacation, forget about the ex but mention that to the new guy when it feels right, if you think about money just remember you can pay your bills and still get tickets to the UK. Keep a little savings just incase you need to go to the hospital but work to be happy not to have a savings for the bank to make money loaning out your savings. Money sucks. Intrinsic goods really are all that matter (health, happiness, etc), thats why I'll make all the material sacrifices in the world for my heart.

Edited November 16, 2012 by JWRP

[ladyabstrused]

Things are great for me, thank you for asking. I take my last plane trip without her ever to see her again next week over Thanksgiving. On top of that next month, after almost a year and half, we stop torturing ourselves with long distance!!! I'm leaving my friends and family to be with her and finish a college program where she lives. It's really a hard move to let go of everything but she says she is willing to come back with me after I finish my program. We both agree her flat farmland state is miserable but he college is great for getting into difficult college programs. Compromises and sacrifices are all worth it to me in order to close the gap and keep on track toward our goals : ).

 

Wow, you know, I always wondered what it's like to pack up and leave everything and everyone you know to start a new life with someone you love. You're brave and really it is a risk to take but I guess you're comfortable enough to take that risk

 

I can't believe you went for another LD to torture yourself again; you must like the torture haha : P. We know it's not that bad but it's not that easy to be apart either. Just remember the red flags you had before with your new guy. Did you tell him at all about the last LD? I think it's worth it to hear his opinion and gauge his reaction to be sure he's not that type of guy, I'd do it in person too.

 

Haha! Well I wasn't really looking or wanting another LD to be honest but he popped out of nowhere and it was sooo unexpected because we became friends first. Yes, I noted the red flags and the things I didn't do before in my previous relationship, I am doing now - like standing my ground, being honest and open about my wants and needs to see if it matches him and surprisingly, everything seems to fit pretty nicely.

 

Yes, I was honest about everything I went through before I met him. We were friends first so I didn't think anything and didn't hold back anything, not that I would if anything else. He didn't like how abusive my ex was and I genuinely felt that when we spoke to each other.

 

The money thing is so unfortunate. I think money becomes the focal point for most relationship failures. So because I think that, I used to worry a lot when my girlfriends would mention money. My other half doesn't ever bring up money unless she wants me to stop spending it; but we both know exactly where our finances stand. So she got kind of mad when I bought plane tickets during Thanksgiving holidays haha : ). Hopefully you aren't going to be the only one spending money and he'll step up without you even saying a thing. I hope the new guy is a good man, I think you are owed one about now.

 

I know. I hate money being the issue of things. I almost never bring it up or make it an issue honestly. The new guy I'm seeing well he's pretty good and what I've always been looking for, perhaps even more than I have ever thought I could have in a guy. I just hope being with him in real life will go just as well. I have pretty positive hopes for that happening.

 

Other than the worries about the ex how are things? You must being doing ok if you are going to the UK in 10 days!! Since you can still get tickets to see lover boy : ), money isn't that big of a problem? Enjoy the vacation, forget about the ex but mention that to the new guy when it feels right, if you think about money just remember you can pay your bills and still get tickets to the UK. Keep a little savings just incase you need to go to the hospital but work to be happy not to have a savings for the bank to make money loaning out your savings. Money sucks. Intrinsic goods really are all that matter (health, happiness, etc), thats why I'll make all the material sacrifices in the world for my heart.

 

Haha well yes, I'm doing reasonably thus I'm able to head there soon. Plus I got a good deal I think. Thanks for your advice. I'll definitely take note! And yes I agree, that's all that matters really, not money, however without money, I don't think I'll ever get to travel out of my country!

 

So I reckon things are going good with your SO mainly?

[JWRP]

You'd be correct thinking that things are good between us : ). Our only problem comes from my family disowning me for telling them I was in love with her. Luckily getting into a university where she lived saved me from excommunication. That problem is something they have to cope with. I deattached from the family after I came back with a PTSD diagnosis from seeing 44 people die; only to be told by my family I was making up excuses. That brief (2-3 month) period of returning to civilian life - I found out a lot about who truly cares.

 

My friends were mad at me initially, almost in disbelief I was going to uproot from where I live (no one leaves here unless they move to a better island). My possessions, mostly books, all fit into my truck. I'm bringing my dog with me and she's my only love other than my SO : ). So really leaving where I am is nothing but joy for my heart. I've been too busy in school to see my friends or even surf anyways, so they won't even notice.

 

If I had a closer relationship to my family here, leaving would be harder. But sort of luckily I don't, so the change will be only good for me : ). I guess I'm saying it's possible to close the gap : P. It's possible, but you really have to want to sacrifice things and have faith they'll be replaceable.

[ladyabstrused]

You'd be correct thinking that things are good between us : ). Our only problem comes from my family disowning me for telling them I was in love with her. Luckily getting into a university where she lived saved me from excommunication. That problem is something they have to cope with. I deattached from the family after I came back with a PTSD diagnosis from seeing 44 people die; only to be told by my family I was making up excuses. That brief (2-3 month) period of returning to civilian life - I found out a lot about who truly cares.

 

My friends were mad at me initially, almost in disbelief I was going to uproot from where I live (no one leaves here unless they move to a better island). My possessions, mostly books, all fit into my truck. I'm bringing my dog with me and she's my only love other than my SO : ). So really leaving where I am is nothing but joy for my heart. I've been too busy in school to see my friends or even surf anyways, so they won't even notice.

 

If I had a closer relationship to my family here, leaving would be harder. But sort of luckily I don't, so the change will be only good for me : ). I guess I'm saying it's possible to close the gap : P. It's possible, but you really have to want to sacrifice things and have faith they'll be replaceable.

 

I'm sorry that things have to go this way but in a way I'm happy to hear that you're moving into a better situation, I suppose.

 

Sometimes, I feel like this is what I need to do, to find my happiness. Move out of home. I can't be myself where I am. Your'e right, it's important to have faith and believe that things will go well.

 

On topic, I guess I've finally let go of it. He can keep whatever he wants. I'm moving on and I'm going to do better.

 

JWRP, keep me updated about your move. I hope things go well for you.