Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Is it inevitable that after the affair ends and the person decides to stay in their marriage that the other man/other woman is incapable of keeping a friendship with the married/involved individual? Has anyone remained friends with someone after the affair was over? Has anyone recaptured a friendship with their ex-lover after time has passed?
teressa0397 Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 well when the affair ends and if its very emotional stay away from this person no contact ___ no i adivise you to not be friends why because you all had an affair leave it be;
Author Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 I'd like to stay friends with my ex-lover. I wanted to always have him as a friend and I hate that our relationship progressed into something that stops us from being able to share that.
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 i have managed staying friends with many of my exs over the years. wish the ex-husband would move to the other side of the planet but ... as for those others that i've had relationships with i do think in many cases it's possible. my first (brief) encounter with a MM ended when he too decided to try to work things out with his wife. she doesn't know he had an affair and because we travel in many of the same social circles i've become pretty friendly with her. needless to say, even if he knocked on my door tonight, i wouldn't have an affair with him again. but we have remained friends. we still email occassionally and see each other around several times a month. we'll talk casually and he even has been known to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, in front of his wife. his wife confides in me that although they're doing better it's still rough. odd thing with that affair was that it was originally from her that i heard they were having problems and the things he tolld me were pretty much exactly the way she had described it. in any case it was hard at first but we really have moved past the initial discomfort. with my current MM who just ended things, we have to remain somewhat cordial. our professional lives have crossed at least once a year for at least the past 10 and i don't see that changing. so i know at some point we'll at least have to be able to deal with each other that way and i'd like to think we could be friends.... i somehow don't think his wife would like that too much though!
Nubianangel Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I've been the OW and only recently ended our affair and while I think it's possible to have some kind of friendship, in the long run I don't think it's a good idea. It almost becomes a way of holding onto a small part of that person and if letting go is your goal then you'll have to do it completely. As for my situation, not only was my ex-guy taken but he was a co-worker and is now my supervisor. It was hard after we ended things because we still had a working relationship but that has now morphed into a very tentative friendship. We talked now and then and never bring up our 'forbidden past'. I am now in a healthy monogamous relationship and he respects that. Ironic, that I didn't do the same in regards to his relationship but at that time I was selfish and didn't care. Bottom line, if you decide you'd like to call this person a friend, do it gradually. Wait until you feel strong mentally and emotionally and set boundaries between you two.
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 The reason I would say no is because how can one person move on if they're still in love if the other keeps throwing emotional tablescraps of friendship?
Author Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 I guess the confusing part is that he claimed he would always be my friend regardless of what happened. I was married and having problems and he pursued a relationship. I was always honest about what was happening. My husband knew about it from day one as I told him everything. I guess looking back it was a weird situation to be in. My husband I were having problems, he kept screwing up, I got tired of it and told him to get his **** together and while he did I was going to continue living my life. I met this other man several times and never hid any of it from my husband. Now that I reached the point when I had to end it and work on my marriage the other man wants nothing to do with me. It's disappointing. I really wanted him in my life.
Author Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 The reason I would say no is because how can one person move on if they're still in love if the other keeps throwing emotional tablescraps of friendship? Would they be table scraps? I guess I have a different perspective because I'm the one that made the decision to stay in my marriage instead of leaving it and trying a relationship with this other man. Not much I can really do I guess. I certainly don't want my presence to cause him to suffer because of what I couldn't do.
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Well it goes both ways Though really, if you're planning on working on your marriage, the marriage builders site (that I finally read) says that you need to cut the OM/OW completely, forever.
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I have no idea why. Are you a registered member? How about now? I don't have the ability to PM you either, or I would.
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I don't know why it won't let me do it. Sad, very sad. Ever have a hard time holding back the tears? Like you literally have to fight with yourself? That's a day like today.
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Go into your profile and see if you've ticked something that doesn't allow you to receive PM's......
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I have gone in there like a gazillion times to make sure that it is supposed to allow me to receive them, but each time I try to send one, it gives me these three reasons why I can't. Grr. The computer gods hate me.
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 You have to go to "edit options" and enable it. If you can't go into your own profile, maybe you don't have cookies enabled? Try logging in and out. If still no joy then ask a moderator to help you out, I would imagine.
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Trying to get this damn thing to let me send you a PM is about as easy as getting my MM to leave his wife. I give up. BUT perhaps my home computer will let me do it...could be the IT nazis here at work.
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I am seriously tempted to buy this: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0965066614/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/104-2897587-4997542?v=glance&books&st=*
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Well what's going on then today that you're so upset?
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Hmm, long story. Where to begin? Well, from the gut, right now I am ready to end things bc it feels like - at least lately - that he is basically hanging around for sex, friendship, and great convo (none of which he gets at home), that's it (meaning, he has no feelings, he has stated just that - no feelings about anything), and my heart just can’t take that. Oh, back up, he came over yesterday again, and guess what happened? Oh yeah, to be expected, I always give in to him, and this time it was quite possibly the best I have ever had, which adds to my misery today. See, we had plans to see each other 3 times this week - yesterday, tomorrow (a mini-trip related to work) and Friday, but then he emails me today that he got in trouble with his boss so we can’t go on this little excursion tomorrow (it is a totally legit reason, really), so we won't see each other then, and also that we "might" still get to see each other on Friday, but I "might" have to go down to see him. (That’s the way it always is – either he comes to me when he’s in my neighborhood anyways, or he makes me come to him…I’m new to the OW thing, so I’m not sure what the rules are re: who goes to who…part of me understands that in this situation, I am the one who has to be flexible, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it!!!) I feel like seeing me is at his convenience, and he doesn't really care about my feelings, wants, or needs....mainly because he comes to see me only when he's already up here, whereas if he's down in his neighborhood and there’s no reason to come to mine, then he has me go down there. I miss time from work when he's here, and I drive down to where he is when he’s there (an hour away), so really, I am the one being inconvenienced...make sense? I think I'm just grasping at anything, excuses to be angry so that my feelings don't get hurt, ya know? Argh. This sucks. I am seriously FIGHTING to keep back the tears, and it's damn near impossible. One thing is beginning to haunt me - the holidays. He made a comment yesterday about how Christmas is his favorite time of the year. Well, I do not want to be in a situation where I sit at home crying over my loneliness knowing that he is at home with his ****ing family. And then I talked to him just a few ago about the convenience thing, and he was like "oh, I didn't mean to make you feel that way about who goes where, I'm sorry, sure I'll come up, we'll make a day of it." Now see, I don't know if that means he actually gives a damn, or if he's just pacifying me, ya know? And the thing with the mini-trip out of town, I think that's what really bothered me this morning. We were going to spend the day in this little town, ya know, seeing my home town, where I go, etc...all the way into the evening. I was really, really looking forward to it, and he seemed genuinely stoked too. Then yesterday, he got a call while he was at my place and I could literally hear his boss screaming at him on the phone about a semi-major ****-up. Now he's scared that if he goofs off tomorrow that he’d lose his job. THAT to him is "too risky" for him. His JOB. I questioned him on this... "Well, being with me on a weekly to 3x-weekly basis is risky too for you, but it's with regards to losing your wife, your kids, what about that?" He says, "well, maybe I could handle losing her." WHAT?! I'm going on a rampage to distract myself, hitting on every single (not "singular", but un-married!) guy I run into, in the hopes that someone else will prove themselves to be worthy of my attention... But then I have these flashbacks of the moments with him where I've never been happier/more satisfied, and I wonder, "damn, will I ever feel like that again?" THAT is my concern - the feeling. It had been sooooo long since I had that feeling, and I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever feel it again. I guess the point now is to focus on the fact that I WILL feel it again, but in order to do so, I gotta get away from him....right?
kitten Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Wow, that's the only thing that comes to mind everytime I read these posts! I am still w my MM, and we just got back from our 2 weeks together every month. Something happened while I was away this time. I snapped, let him have it! This was our first tif in a year, but only because I just was really stressing! I told him how selfish I thought he was for bringing all these people into this and so on. He had left for a few hours for work and for the first time I decided to snoop, right or wrong I was upset so somehow justified it. I know about the children, but while snooping I found a picture of him w them That picture now is permeneantly imprinted on my brain. But the worst part of all was that the pics were in an envelope w my pics and his wedding ring, but no pics of her. So the last few days I have been really weirded out, I guess because I never saw them, I kinda somehow tried to beleive they weren't real, but now can't pretend anymore. Also for the kicker and well the reason I am writing is because today I curiosley googled his name, ( for all you women w a MM, great tool) Go to google type in his name and see what comes up! Well I found a function that they attended together, meaning him and the wife, I almost fell off the chair, couldn't breath. Wow did I really just find a pic of his wife? She was not what I imagined, not even close, but now the whole fam is in my head. I feel better that I have cured that part of wondering but now thats all I see in my head. Help!
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 i've googled too and found pics of my MM's kids but nothing of his wife. you're right it did make his family a whole lot more real seeing pics of the kids. i've always been so curious what his wife looks like. the only "clue" i've gotten is that he picked up a pair of my jeans off the floor one day and made a comment about how small they were. must be so nice to be able to be able to be with him for so long at a time. i wish i'd been able to see mine more than we could but between his marriage, work and my schedule it was tough. i know it's not a competition for who's better but there's still always that nagging doubt about who's prettier, etc. and in my case, i'm extra curious because he went back to her. i know looks aren't everything but still, i wonder...
kitten Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 I'm glad that I was able to see her. If that's wrong then I am wrong, but I do feel indiffertant about it.I knew she was 30 and blonde, and like you, he always would comment how tiny I was which made me wonder. She was definetly not what I expected, about 4 inches taller than me, short hair and slightly needed to workout body. I felt kinda better knowing I was more attractive. These stories from all the OW are sometimes so similar it's scary aren't they?
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 it's scary and kind of strangely comforting at the same time. and like i think i said, i know there are much more important things than looks but i also know i'm a good person, with a good heart, i'm intelligent, educated and i can be a lot of fun.... so, i have to wonder. am i destined to just be the OW who gets to boost some guy's ego 'cause he can be with someone more attractive than his wife but then goes back to her anyway?
kitten Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Very profound, I feel kinda the same but w all of our qualities why are we settling? If we can offer someone so much why do we settle for being the OW. I think of it kinda like whatever happens is going to be something I will have to deal with somehow because I knowingly continued w this relationship. I don't want to be the OW for the rest of my life, but....... ! I know in my heart it's just a matter of time before some sort of change needs to happen, but when is a different story. Him and I actually talked a couple days ago in depth about maybe setting some sort of time frame for him to make some choices. I tried to make him realize he is stealing the best years of my life and I need some sort of confirmation or security that one day he's not just going to decide he's out. His response was so sweet, would I have expected anything else? Why do MM always know how to make it better? He tells me for my birthday in a couple months he's taking me to Mexico for a week. This relationship has really taught me alot about men and made me realize what's important and what to put up with. So the ques. remains- Why do we put up w this situation? And how long can we live in a situation like this?
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 i guess with the situation i was in i probably would have gone on with it indefinitely. and there are times when i struggle with how long should i wait for him to make a decision about whether he's staying or leaving or how long it will take for her to decide? i was talking with a friend about it and she asked why i would wait. one of the nice and bad things about being my age is that i don't feel pressure to get married quickly and have kids. the bad thing is, i don't necessarily want to spent the rest of my life alone. my dad died almost 20 years ago and i've watched my mom be alone for all that time. that is however, her choice, she likes being alone. i love her dearly but i'm not like that. i like having someone around to talk to, to sit and watch movies with or to go out. so yes, it's hard. how long do you hang in there waiting for them to make a decision? and then of course there's that nagging realiation that they have someone to go home to every night and to do things with if they want, provided they're getting alone. i got the impression that until very recently it's been a long time since my MM and his wife did anything together. and even the times he said they spent together lately, they were family things, not couple things. it gets lonely and i know that someone out there there is someone (hopefully single) who could be the one. sad thing was i really believed, and still do, that my MM was and is the most wonderful man i've ever met. that's why i probably would have held on to the relationship a lot longer than i probably should have if he'd wanted to continue. she had originally said she'd leave this summer then changed it to next summer because of their son's decision about what to do for the next year. so part of me wants to hang in until then....but that's a long time to put my life on hold!
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