Sickening feeling in stomach/heart aching..been 3 months.. did he ever love me?

[sally1530]

Its been over 3 months now since he cancelled the wedding... im so heart broken still. Its like my blood in my veins are boiling... im miserable without him... I dont know why... My head says hes an jerk for leaving me like this...and my heart says I still love him so much... why cant my heart and brain make sense of this mess??? How long will it take? We dated/engaged for 14 months.. doesnt seem long , but I thought he was 150% of what I wanted in a man... I guess he didnt feel that way for me

 

I excerise 3-4 times a week, eat well, sleep as good as I can... and am dating now..no one serious... but I just cant keep him from my thoughts... why does he have so much power over me? Why cant I let go and move on? I really thought he was "the one" for me... uggg!!!

[trouble]

Sally

I probably can't be of any help to tell you when you will move on. My fiance broke things off with me almost three weeks ago. Our wedding was scheduled for Nov. 20. We had a fight and I left but by the time I came back to apologize he had made up his mind. He still sticks by the statement that I left first and it was my choice to end the relationship. My mind and heart are in similar situations. It is good that you are exercising and eating and sleeping. I have had trouble with eating and now sleeping. I know it is a process and you will just have to continue to go through with it. I think it is easy to think that he was the greatest thing in the world especially when you are hurting. We would do anything to end this hurt and right now it seems like getting back together with him is the only answer. You will meet someone again and share intimacy again and when you do use the lessons that you have learned from previous failed relationships. I would have never thought my fiance would have left or given up after one fight. I would have bet my life on us withstanding anything. However, I was in a relationship with someone who apparently had different views. Hang in there. You have made it three months. I have only gotten through 3 weeks. I was married before and devestated when the divorce happened. Although I knew at the time that he was doing me a favor I didn't want to go through the pain of divorce and change. I eventually moved on and found love again. I dated a little while and then took off some serious time alone. I met my current fiance and thought things were going great. I guess we can't ever predict someone else's behavior or responses no matter how much we think we may know them. Your pain is real and your healing time is unique to you. Although this site is a great place for support, no one can really tell you what happened or how long it is going to take you. Good luck and post as often as it helps.

[sally1530]

Thanks trouble:

 

I guess in a way it helps to hear that im not the only one who has been mislead or been mistreated... and left to pick up my broken dreams and life. It hurts like day one.. but at least I knew I loved him with all my heart...now I know he didnt feel the same way, because if he did he would have married me...

 

It sucks because im 35 and single no kids, never married... im fit, pretty, sucessful job, nice car, no debts... and want to just find someone I can connect with.. this guy used me and threw me away... I wish I never met him... if only I had seen the signs earlier... but I dont think it would have mattered.... I loved him then too...

 

It will be very hard for me to trust and open up again... to any man...but I will try... Love is risky....

[trouble]

Sally

I am 28 and going through this for the second time. I really thought that he was the one. When I graduated from Law school I moved home because I got a job with a law firm here. He was going to sell the house and move here with me. Now I feel stuck. I wouldn't have come back here if I hadn't been planning a life with him. I am lonely and afraid because it is really difficult to meet people here. I know that with time my wounds will get better. Hang in there. I know it is harder to find people after a certain age in life. I am really sorry for you. Because I am hurting so bad right now I can honestly say I am so sorry for your pain. Some of his friends keep saying he is going to change his mind and wake up and realize what a mistake he made. I don't think so. He moved my things into storage this weekend and just mailed me the key. He had to show the house and he had moved all of my things into one room hoping I would come and get them. I am lost and I think I am going to have to move to a bigger city. I don't do alone very well. I was driving to see him once during the week and every weekend. I am also scared about moving to a big city where I don't know anyone. I know one day we will both look back and be able to make some sense of all of this. Just know that until then, you have a friend and an ally.

[SMF]

Hi There,

 

Both of you girls have endured a lot. You are stronger because of it. Just take it day by day and the bottom line i have found that if someone loves you- they will do whatever they can to make it good for the 2 of you and they would never let that person go.

 

Also, I have never been engaged but I would have to say that if one person thinks something is off in an engagement- then the couple shouldn't go through with it bc then you will endure a lifetime of heartache which could possibly end in divorce.

 

Hold your head up high. If God brought you to it- he will bring you through it.

 

Time heals and reveals. Time is the best medicine bc it will make you stronger.

 

Feel free to read my story- its tittled "I am devastated"

Opinions are welcome.

[sally1530]

Thanks Trouble:

 

Please keep in touch... its good to know we have each other.... Im in the same boat... I dont want to move to the city, but I feel its the only way to meet someone now. Im scared and dont know anyone downtown...

 

Im going on a 3rd date tonight with this new guy... hes just out of a divorce...his wife cheated on him... hes really handsome and nice...he lives far away about an hour but he comes and see's me .... I feel as though were in the same boat somehow... with the trust issues and feel safe with each other... so for now im going to date this guy and keep my options open... its so hard to be single again...

 

I just want a normal relationship... are there any normal men... who can be satified with just one woman??? uggg

[simplybrill]

I understand where you're coming from girls, believe me...I dont do alone well either. I have a job, I have a few friends so Im not completely alone or co-dependent, I have my sister, but I'm alone (and feeling a bit unfulfilled?) in the sense of love, with a significant other. I do miss that, a lot sometimes.

[trouble]

Thanks SMF

I know that I could have dogged a bullet. However, I truly believe he is allowing us to suffer because of the pain his ex-wife put him through. He has some unrealistic idea that he can avoid pain or being hurt in his future relationships. We all mess up and hurt each other even if we don't mean to. He is so afraid that I may hurt him again and he can't go through with it. I didn't cheat on him I just walked out when we were having a fight. He thinks that if he marries me then I will do it again and then he will kick himself because he avoided the "sign". I am sad and lonely and miss all forms of intimacy with him but I know that is normal. I know that I will love again I just hate having to be patient. Good luck to you as well.

[sally1530]

it would have been nice if he could have told me the reasons why he didnt want to marry me... and sat down and talked to me about it .... it was my life he was toying with .... I think I deserved that.. he could have at least given me that and a piece of mind... but no he said so many things... and fled... it was so unbelievable... one day hes making love to me...and telling me he loves me and the next day hes not marrying me and kicking me out of his life completely... period..

 

Its the worst thing anyone has ever done to me... it hurts 10 times more than when I lost my mother last year... believe it or not... I put everything I had into this ....and got shafted.... and left to pick up the pieces... unfortunally he shattered the pieces so small its going to take me a long time to put back the pieces of my broken heart...

 

He has no idea how much he hurt me and doesnt even care...

[SMF]

Sally it must be really rough for you. But you have to think back to a time when you were SO down and out and never thought you could pick up the pieces and then remember how you in fact moved on and became happy again.

 

Don't give up hope. Be patient and have good thoughts.

 

Its terrible that he gave you no warning and just picked up and left... its terrible but Sally- do you want to be with some that does that to you? What if you had a child and he left you and your child?

[sally1530]

he would have took the child.... but I just cant seem to kick this depression im in... it sucks... I want to be happy and just forget all that has happened...but I believe now he has broken me... Im such a strong person, caring, honest, loyal and loving.. but this rocks my belief in people... I never knew he hated me that much... I thought he loved me... it would have killed me to do what he done... to someone... I couldnt live with myself....

 

I know they say bad things happen to good people... well im starting to believe that I dont want to be so good anymore...im tired of all these bad things happening to me... it gets old...people just walk all over me... and crush my feelings and my good heart...

 

I guess im disappointed that I cant seem to find someone who will treat me with respect, loyality, honesty....it seems so hard to think that I will ever find it out there...and I just may have to settle

[trouble]

Sally

Be careful with this new man. Believe me I know the desire to go on dates and have someone to share life with. I just don't want you to do more damage to yourself. Where are you located? I am in Augusta.

[SMF]

Sally- I am not following what this man did- that you are saying why does he hate me.

 

please advise.

[sally1530]

im from chicago... he hates me because I snooped in his email and found out that he was on lavalife.com with his profile and picture (with shirt off) looking for sex and saying he was single... our entire 14 month relationship... he was also exchanging naked pictures with these gals.... I forgave him but he said he couldnt trust me anymore and that I could never forgive him either. Hes also mad that I made him pay 18,000 for a wedding that he cancelled 28 days before it was supposed to happen. I gave him back his 3K ring...but he was not happy. I started dating other men... a few weeks later to boost my self esteem and he was upset that I moved on ...so quickly... and hates me ....period. its been 3 months now... havent seen him since he came for the ring... haven talked with him on the phone... either...

[SMF]

AHha.

 

Thanks for clarifying...

 

I can see where you would blame yourself but DON't. Obviously you were forced to snoop, and to be honest what a jerk for posing on the internet.. that is not right, disrespectful to you.

 

Sally, RUN RUN FOR THE Hills from this man. He is no good and I don't even know him.

 

Don't ever take him back - have pride and move on.

 

What does he want you to do stay home and rot?

[Pained]

Originally posted by sally1530 single no kids, never married... im fit, pretty, sucessful job, nice car, no debts

 

This may not mean much to you right now, but you have NO idea how lucky you are. There are some women who are in a relationship most of their lives, only to find out it was a dud, and by then they have nothing...no car, they're no longer young, etc. You have such a great thing right now, but you probably won't realize it until you're older.

 

I know it hurts right now, but I think you should enjoy your life. Try doing some volunteer work. Helping people who have less than you will really set things in perspective, and you might meet someone new that way. It sounds like you have a lot to give.

[sally1530]

I do have so much to give... I think that is a great idea... I will look into that...

 

Hes an *sshole to make me feel guilty about this... im mean i snooped...but if he loved me he would have forgiven me. Right?

 

I should have know when he fought with me for two months straight about how he wanted to have strippers at his bachleor party... even though I didnt feel confortable with it and asked him if we could come to an understanding " line" that we would be both comfortable with...

 

I also should have known when he wasnt helping with the wedding stuff.... that should have been a big clue.

 

Uggg!!!

[SMF]

sally- check out my story and tell me what you think- it is under "i am devastated"

 

The BIGGEST clue should have been what he was doing on the INTERNET. Good think you snooped and you trusted your instincts.

 

YOU might have made the biggest mistake if you married this man.

[sally1530]

I did read your story... that sucks...Im so sorry you had to go through that.

 

See my man thought it was harmless flirting and curiousity becuase of his doubts... he told me and that I didnt fill his emotional needs... (whatever!) I was there every night eager to talk and make love etc...

 

He said he didnt cheat because he didnt cross the emotional or phyical line with any of these girls... hmm what about the girls I dont know about? or when would he have? and emotional cheating is when you are wanting other gals and contacting them while engaged! He now knows its not harmless and it cost him $18,000 to figure it out!!! Thats whys hes pissed!

[SMF]

Ok well you aren't going to live the rest of your life trying to satisfy someone else's emotional needs.

 

Move on Sally.

[sally1530]

so it seems as though hes not able to be with just one woman at a time.... this is not the man for me!!

 

That is not love!

 

I deserve better! After all I have done for him....

 

All my ex's have crawled back sometime after the breakups... and I have turned them all down... he will be the same. He had his chance and blew it big time!!

[Pained]

I agree. You DO deserve better. One of these days you're going to be happily married to a wonderful guy, looking back at this time, laughing, and wondering why you let yourself be treated so poorly. If you had a daughter, would you want her to be with someone like your ex?

 

Trust me, you WILL heal. We all care about you.