Heartbreak

[T_W]

Hi all,

 

My girlfriend just broke up with me this morning. I am not sure what to do. We have been together for almost half a year, I'm 30, she is 34.

 

She is on a business trip for 2 months interstate, I have a couple of months off, the company provided her with accommodation, she asked me to move up with her for 2 months so I did. So she can focus on her work, while I do the cooking, cleaning and shopping.

 

It has been over a month since we 'moved in' together. I would get up at 9am with her every morning, have breakfast together, after she leaves I would clean the apartment, shop and cook, plan what to do in the evenings to take some stress off her.

 

There has been some up and downs, she has been saying that we are not having enough sex, we had sex 3 times in about 5 weeks, she wanted to have sex every day or twice a day. As a result she has been saying that I don't find her attractive, she needs to find a lover if this keeps on going.

 

Also a few small arguments, for instance, last week she hurt her knees by accident, has been using ice packs every night when she gets back home. After we got back from dinner the other night, I went to the kitchen to wash my hands, she asked me to bring her the ice packs from the fridge, I said just a second I need to wash the soap off my hands first, then she was angry at me for not bringing them to her immediately and I complained about the soaps in my hands, she should be the priority by default without questioning and I made her sounded like as if she was bossing me around. Sometimes I am really confused, don't know what to say or not to say, like walking on egg shells. She is really stressed with her job, so the priority is to make sure that she gets enough sleep and eats well. So I have been doing exactly what she asks straight away since that instance.

 

Last night, she woke up at 2am, told me that she is having back pain, asked me to give her a massage, I rubbed her back in bed for a few minutes, it was not enough on the side, she preferred a full back massage, so I got up, without realizing that I was actually at the edge of the bed when I was trying to get up, I rolled around I lost my balance, almost fell off the bed, as a result I had to quickly grab onto the bed sheet, I accidentally hit her hand, then she started crying, and started saying things like I hate her, I wanted to kill her. I didn't know what to say... so I apologized for losing my balance, rubbed her hand, went to the bathroom, then the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee at 2am to wake up, so I can give her a proper massage. She came to the kitchen said don't worry about it, I insisted on that she needs to rest well, it is the priority to be stress free for work tomorrow, and stay in bed and I will massage her back. I went back, sat on the bed and started massaging her back, a few minutes later, she said its not doing the job, she will go to a professional massage place tomorrow. I apologized for not doing the massage properly, and said there is no point of wasting money on going to a massage everyday. I said please wait for a few minutes, I will watch some instructive videos on youtube, so I went to the lounge room to watch a how to give full back massage video for about 7 minutes, and ran back to the bedroom as soon as it finished, she said she doesnt want it anymore. It was about 2:40am then. I said she should go to sleep first, I will stay awake next to her just in case if she needs anything else. Then we hugged each other and went to sleep.

 

This morning we got up at 9am, I thought we were going out for breakfast as usual, she told me that she didn't sleep well, and we should break up. She felt like, in her own words that 'I hate her', 'I want to kill her', 'I hit her hand because I was angry at her'. I really don't know what to do now, I explained that I lost balance, had to grab something really quickly before I fall off the bed, I do admit that I rolled pretty quickly to get up, then half way I realized that my back was actually on the edge of the bed, so I winged my left arm hard to grab the sheet in time, it did hit her hand hard. I was so stupid... stupid, how did I sleep on the edge of the bed without realizing it...

 

She said she wants me to move out as soon as possible, she is going to ask her dad to move up to stay with her for the remaining weeks. Said she doesn't need me to be here to clean and turn the dishwasher on.

 

Now she is at work, I really don't know what to do... this is not the first time, the 6th time in the past a few months, we would be happy the night before, then she would ask me to leave in the morning before we have breakfast. A few days later she would call me and ask to see me again. I guess nothing is what it seems, but I have never been in a relationship like this. I do love her she has many good qualities, I decided to stick around, especially after she asked me about having kids next year last week.

 

This time she is more angry because she felt like I hit her hand on purpose and 'I hate her'. I am really confused, I do love her, want to make sure that she is ok and stress free, just do what she asks me to do, and stuffed up, perhaps its the wrong thing in the end, I can never do it right.

 

I told her that we are not in our city, I cannot just pack up and leave in the morning like she asked before, we have a bit of luggage here, since we were planning to live here for 2 months, she asked me to move out, because this is HER house. I need to book my flight, still need to pick up a suit from the tailor next week, and meet up with a friend who is visiting from overseas.

 

Any advice will be really appreciated. I really don't know what to do, she is coming back home for lunch in a couple of hours. Should I cook lunch or take her out for lunch as usual? I don't want to say the wrong things by accident again. I do want to save the relationship and give it another go, to make sure that she is ok and stress free.

[mishy]

she sounds terribly controlling. To me it sounds like you have become a bit of a doormat. You are up at 3am watching back massage videos to please her, how many boyfriends would do that?

 

Let her have her break up, move out, don't contact her, see how she likes that.

 

I know you must feel horrible right now, but it seems like she is the type of girl that is never happy no matter whatever a guy does for her

 

 

Let her get her own lunch.

[Caligrown]

You cook, clean, and do anything she asks of you.

 

You support her and always take her back after she has broken up with you, 6 times she has tried to end it and after a few days calls back. This relationship is very unhealthy and it sound like how I was when I was going through my divorce. Yes, shes upset because she is stressed out. When people get stressed they take it out on the people closest to them. She wants sex more often than what your used to because she is doubting herself. She wants attention but then when you give it to her, its always not enough or the wrong way. Nothing ever pleases her, but you stay anyway.

 

You are a human doormat for her emotions. Love is a crazy thing and it makes everyone blind to their surroundings, but in some cases you need to wake up to see what your going through for a person who doesnt appreciate you.

 

You can only give so much until you have nothing else to give.

 

IF shes serious this time yet again, leave. Only this time when she calls you to beg for forgivness and wants you back on her terms, dont answer...make her sweat it out and give her a while to really think about it.

 

She will through hersaelf into her work, but the very second she gets time alone, it will eat at her. If she doesnt see the light after some time and keep fighting for you, it was never ment to be.

 

It hurts and its never easy, but sometimes we have to do whats best for our hearts even if it doesnt want it to happen.

[T_W]

I feel like I cannot humanly give more, I am so tired, and falling asleep at this point, this is the 3rd night in a roll to get up at 2 or 2:30am in the morning this week, she wanted to talk about how I should spend my savings the night before, because I spent too much money from my own accounts since we have been here. On wednesday I had to stay up until around 2am to bid for her on ebay, I lost the auction, because it went for too much, not happy evening. Last week I kept her up because I had to kill mosquitoes, she cried in bed, because I left the light on for too long.

 

I asked her why she broke up with me this morning, her side of the story in her own words is 'you hate me', 'you want to kill me', 'you hit me because you were angry at me', 'I am frightened, I don't want to live with you anymore', 'you are angry'. 'this is my house, move out' I am speechless, I don't know what to say anymore, apologized and said sorry if she felt that way, it was certainly not my intention, however she said that was exactly what I did from her perspective, and I can never understand her, her perspectives, and I don't know her, I have no empathy what so ever, she said she knows everything about me, and she knows that I am not interested in her, in her own words, she is just an extension of me, and myself, I never talk about her, and ask her about her life and her childhood, and make her to feel that she is sexy.

 

I just cried in bed last night, I do want to give it another go, she said she wants to have kids with me, even yesterday. She has some good qualities, I understand that she is stressed, I just don't know what to do, and want to make sure that I don't say to wrong thing again. So stupid of me to sleep on the edge of the bed, I am 30 years old, how could I not realize that... now it sounds like domestic violence... I am so sad...

 

Hope I can save this and make it up to her?

Edited November 10, 2012 by T_W

[mishy]

I feel like I cannot humanly give more, I am so tired, and falling asleep at this point, this is the 3rd night in a roll to get up at 2 or 2:30am in the morning this week, she wanted to talk about how I should spend my savings the night before, because I spent too much money from my own accounts since we have been here. On wednesday I had to stay up until around 2am to bid for her on ebay, I lost the auction, because it went for too much, not happy evening. Last week I kept her up because I had to kill mosquitoes, she cried in bed, because I left the light on for too long.

 

I asked her why she broke up with me this morning, her side of the story in her own words is 'you hate me', 'you want to kill me', 'you hit me because you were angry at me', 'I am frightened, I don't want to live with you anymore', 'you are angry'. 'this is my house, move out' I am speechless, I don't know what to say anymore, apologized and said sorry if she felt that way, it was certainly not my intention, however she said that was exactly what I did from her perspective, and I can never understand her, her perspectives, and I don't know her, I have no empathy what so ever, she said she knows everything about me, and she knows that I am not interested in her, in her own words, she is just an extension of me, and myself, I never talk about her, and ask her about her life and her childhood, and make her to feel that she is sexy.

 

I just cried in bed last night, I do want to give it another go, she said she wants to have kids with me, even yesterday. She has some good qualities, I understand that she is stressed, I just don't know what to do, and want to make sure that I don't say to wrong thing again. So stupid of me to sleep on the edge of the bed, I am 30 years old, how could I not realize that... now it sounds like domestic violence... I am so sad...

 

Hope I can save this and make it up to her?

 

thats the essence of the problem. No matter what you do this woman will never be happy. You keep trying to make it up to her and its shrivelling you up. Its emotional abuse, you are walking on eggshells and she is bossing you around.

[seibert253]

She's a b#tch and treats you like sh#t. She also sounds bipolar.

You'd be a fool to stay with her.

[T_W]

She said I emotionally and psychologically abused her last night, because I drank the coffee in 2 minutes and ran back to the bedroom too quickly like a crazy person after watching the instruction video on youtube.

 

I am not sure what to do now, I am supposed to meet up with a friend visiting from overseas next week, told him that I will pick him up from the airport, his first time here. Still got some packages in transit under my name, being sent to this address, I cannot just pack up and go.

 

I promised to look after her during this stressful period. I am afraid to say anything to her now.

[mishy]

She said I emotionally and psychologically abused her last night, because I drank the coffee in 2 minutes and ran back to the bedroom too quickly like a crazy person after watching the instruction video on youtube.

 

I am not sure what to do now, I am supposed to meet up with a friend visiting from overseas next week, told him that I will pick him up from the airport, his first time here. Still got some packages in transit under my name, being sent to this address, I cannot just pack up and go.

 

I promised to look after her during this stressful period. I am afraid to say anything to her now.

 

She sounds mental. She has dumped you and you are not obliged to look afetr her anymore. Live with her until you can leave, but don't do anything for her.

[todreaminblue]

You have done everything humanly possible and then more than you should to try to make her happy.That stress that you said she is under is probably not as much as the stress you are under, you are the one falling asleep, anxious and guilt ridden feeling like you are failing walking on eggshells, she should be massaging your back at night.

 

 

The way you are being treated by your girlfriend is unfair,you don't just ask someone to move out on a whim especially if it was on her request you moved down there.Morally she needs to give you as much time as it takes to move out without putting you under pressure, you have been more than fair understanding and supportive of her.Now that needs to be reciprocated, she does seem to have multiple issues, and if a job causes someone to react in such a negative fashion its not a job she will be able to handle for much longer, her attitude and negativity will come out at work.Try to talk to her calmly when you feel she is most receptive, explain to her that you will go if that is what she wants but you need time and that is not much to ask for...

 

I feel after all that you have done and tried to do you are owed a bit of understanding and appreciation ...i hope that you get that plus some compassion thrown in there for good measure......best wishes.....deb

[T_W]

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it. I didn't cook or take her out for lunch today, had a walk along the habour by myself, I feel really lost, not sure if its the right thing to do. I made a commitment that I would come up here and look after her, hoping that this time it would work. It's just sad and I feel stupid.

 

Now she thinks that I'm crazy and I have too much self hatred, all I did wrong was because I loathe myself, and I have no compassion to understand her. I did suggest to go to a psychologist together who is specialized in relationships, her response was that she is perfectly normal, I'm the one with problems, because I'm crazy and I know that I'm always wrong. For instance, last night I tried to hug her to diffuse the situation so we can go to sleep, this morning she said that you knew that you were wrong and deep down I must know that it was my fault so I tried to be nice to her.

 

 

Ever since the start she constantly asks question that why I'm with her, do I think she is beautiful, why I don't leave her for someone who is more beautiful. I never knew what to say, but tellign her that she is beautiful and I am here because I love you. Of course it always back fires, normally end up with comments from her like you don't know me don't you, I know everything about you.

 

 

I asked her to move to the apartment I bought last year when the construction is finished next year. If she wants to have kids, we can be happy there. This morning she said she cannot see us living together because if we experience what happened last night, she will have no where to go and hide, since I won't be able to move out of my own place.

 

 

I feel really confused and sad at the moment. She didn't call during her lunch break. When last time she asked me to leave, I asked her to delete my number, this morning she brought it up again, saying that I'm just a crazy person, remember last time i asked her to delete my number, it was a crazy act, she doesn't need me in her life to turn the dishwasher on. I wish this was my city so I would have somewhere to go. If I say something it will be wrong if I don't say anything she will think that I'm angry and being grumpy. I really don't know what to do now, there is only one bedroom in the place that we are staying at. I just want a quiet life with someone I love and love me back. Life is just too sad...

Edited November 10, 2012 by T_W

[T_W]

Haven't been back home, spent the whole afternoon walking around.

 

Any suggestions on how to communicate with her during this period? Is there any hope of reconciliation?

[Own Worst Enemy]

As a girl, I have to say in all brutal honesty that I would be a bit weirded out by your behaviour. You are giving her too much, which is why she stops wanting it. In any future relationships - which I hope you have as this woman sounds like the queen nut on the barmy tree - you might want to try holding back a little. There is a difference between being a lovely supportive partner and being a doormat, and sadly I think with amazing intentions you are on the wrong side of that line.

 

As for her..... I cannot see one reason why you would want her that isn't tied into your own self esteem - see the over giving above! She is a raving mentalist who doesn't want you but doesn't want not to have you. I say get rid of her, get out there and realise that the world is stuffed full of gorgeous nice normal women who are desperate for a decent 30 year old guy and get happy and respected!

[T_W]

Thanks for the advice. i guess its really hard to break off with someone for me, when i love someone i really do. I don't want to hid or hold back.

 

Just got back to the apartment, now I'm sleeping in the living room. She asked me to move out by the 16th next Friday. I will have 5 days to pack.

 

I asked her for her side of the story again, she said she doesn't care how I feel, because what I say is all lie, she left like I hit her on purpose, not me losing balance on the edge of the bed, and I ignored her when I was making the coffee and watching the instructive video on youtube, she was left alone and crying. She said how she felt is all that matters. She doesnt want to hear what i have to say. There is no way to justify myself in anyway. I told her that I respect her decision and I understand, apologised if that was the way she felt, I was never angry at her and never will be.

 

 

It's very sad, I really wanted to fix things up with her, hopefully at least we can talk about what happened, and how we can build the relationship together. Instead of dumping me unexpectedly every three weeks when something doesn't go as she wished.

 

 

I did see a future with her, she said she wanted to have kids with me. If there was a way to save it, I'm willing to give it a try.

Edited November 10, 2012 by T_W

[theLWord]

She sounds like she has borderline personality, at least traits. Blaming you for everything, turning it around until you feel bad. You need to realize how she treats you..she sounds psychotic and you want more? Definitely don't lock yourself down with kids, can you imagine how she'd treat your kids if she treats you this way? You need to find your backbone and leave this woman..stop apologizing, stop begging. Get out or spend your life kissing her a.ss while she plays head games with you.

[dumPI]

I am going to save your life now. Read this: rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/borderline-personality-disorder/

[T_W]

I'm not a doctor, it's not my position to diagnose anymore. She has been labelling me with narcissist personality disorder for a couple of months, before that was some other personality disorder which I cannot remember. Because she felt like when we are together we don't talk about her enough, I always talk about myself?! not her. I'm still a bit puzzled. I am supposed to tell her that she is beautiful, and she is great with what she does regularly, so she can feel good and attractive. Of course one can never say it enough.

 

Last night she felt like she was frightened, thought that I was going to kill her, because I was so angry. I'm very confused. Now she think whatever I say is all lie.

 

 

This is so difficult, I don't know how I can deal with the situation until Friday. She told her family that I hit her. There is no way to justify myself now. I'm a little scared to be honest.

Edited November 10, 2012 by T_W

[mishy]

there is something very off kilter with this whole story, it makes me feel very uneasy because it doesnt make sense, her reactions are totally overblown.

 

and what is there to save here? having kids with this woman would be a nightmare. You are a doormat to her. Please just leave this woman and find a nice stable woman who will appreciate you.

 

You also have allowed yourself to treat you this way, and you should hold back a bit more in future relationships and make sure it is even give and take

[T_W]

This is the sixth time she dumped me, the last time was over an iPhone charger, I used her charger to charge my phone at her place without asking for her permission. She said I have no compassion or empathy, and never consider about her and her needs, I just used the iPhone charger without asking, she couldn't live with someone like that.

 

I guess it must make sense to her in some ways. I am trying to understand. Look forward to getting some sleep.

[theLWord]

This is the sixth time she dumped me, the last time was over an iPhone charger, I used her charger to charge my phone at her place without asking for her permission. She said I have no compassion or empathy, and never consider about her and her needs, I just used the iPhone charger without asking, she couldn't live with someone like that.

 

I guess it must make sense to her in some ways. I am trying to understand. Look forward to getting some sleep.

 

Do you really think her reaction was normal? You don't have to be a doctor to realize her anger and reactions aren't sane. Do you agree with what she said about you? Would you treat her that way if she used your phone charger? You are being severely emotionally abused.

 

If you still want to work things out, the good news is, she'll probably keep you around because its most likely not too easy to find someone who tolerates such abuse and gaslighting. You might want to look that word up because it sounds like she does it to you often. I suggest individual therapy, she may have done damage to your self esteem/self work. Good luck.

Edited November 10, 2012 by theLWord

[T_W]

Yesterday I tried to sleep in the living room, got awaken up again around 3am, she asked me to sleep with her and have sex, we did. She took me out for breakfast and lunch. I told her that I cannot walk on eggshell everyday anymore, I'm even afraid to say anything in front of her. If she wants me to leave, i respect her decision, but please give me some more time, its not my city, i cannot just pack up and leave. She said we are not getting back together. She felt trapped when she is in a relationship, and im too controlling, because i keep the house too clean, she couldnt leave her bags and clothes everywhere, she said it is her house her rules, she should be able to do whatever she wants. All her previous relationships are all short, the longest one is two years.

 

At dinner she told me that she phoned her parents, and told them that I hit her and the bed that night out of anger, in her own words she felt that I was going to kill her, and she had no where to escape. She said that her father is asking me to leave immediately, and he will come up by the 16th to make sure that I'm gone. I think I have no choice but moving to a hotel for a few days next week.

 

It's really sad that it ended this way. I guess in a way I m kind prepared to be dumped on any day. Considering the previous experiences I knew I might end up leaving unexpectedly during my time up here. At any hour the eggshells could crack. I feel so lost, a little scared now she has accused me of domestic violence, and I'm alone again, I thought this time it was right, I'm afraid that no one would want to be in a relationship with me, I cannot do anything right.

[mishy]

This is the sixth time she dumped me, the last time was over an iPhone charger, I used her charger to charge my phone at her place without asking for her permission. She said I have no compassion or empathy, and never consider about her and her needs, I just used the iPhone charger without asking, she couldn't live with someone like that.

 

I guess it must make sense to her in some ways. I am trying to understand. Look forward to getting some sleep.

 

that is completely irrational and mental. She is teh problem, not you

[Dagorath]

It sounds to me like you are just a bad match. As others have said she's exploiting you for the emotional comfort you give her, but it seems like she needs a man who is going to put her in her place.

 

My best advice is to step up and be a man. Stop apologizing for everything, and don't live for her - that behavior is very unattractive to a woman. A woman wants a man, not a puppy dog. The biggest result of this "Puppy Dog" attitude is a decline in sex and sexual interest. She said she wanted to have more sex, which in essence means she wanted you to take action and start it more often.

 

It sounds to me like she wanted you to put your foot down. Trust me when I say that women don't like a man who does everything they say, or does everything for them. It sounds good on paper, but they lose attraction for you.

 

Good luck.