Both (happily) married- where do we go from here

[I-care]

I have checked multiple message boards & sites and cannot find any affair situations quite like mine.

Co-worker/friends for about 4 years. We BOTH have normal, healthy and content marriages with children. Neither of us were unhappy in our marriage. About 18 months ago things progressed from friends to a full blown affair. When we are together things are incredible! I truly feel this man is my soulmate (granted before I met him I did NOT believe in soul mates). We have tried numerous times unsuccessfully to break off the affair due to the extreme guilt.

Even before the affair, I felt he had become one of my best friends, we share many of the same beliefs, interests, etc. Therefore when we tried to end things, I not only lost my lover but my best friend. It was very difficult and we always found away to be together AGAIN.

We are both intelligent, rational people and know that what we are doing,even though it feels incredible, is wrong on many levels.

My husband received a job transfer offer (across the country) and we accepted - I was thinking this was the answer to finally end the affair.

We said our good byes and communicated very little over the first few months I was gone. There is still an occasional text or phone conversation where we indulge in how much we miss each other. We have both admitted we would never leave our current spouses. We are seriously considering meeting a couple times a year and living our lives this way- with very little contact between meetings.

I wonder how long this could go on? Am I really happier knowing that I get to see him a couple times a year versus ending it for good? The biggest question is WHY? Why have I fallen in love with him when I am happily married and was in NO way looking for anything outside my marriage?

Our situation seems very different from most. Most seem unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage when an affair starts. Anyone with advice.... Please?

[veryhappy]

At least you won't get any comments about rewriting your marital history.

 

You fell in love because you were available for a romantic attachment. I doubt you felt in love with your H when you started your affair.

 

You can certainly continue the A forever meeting a couple of months every year if you live far apart. If you are completely happy with the A, it will be easy to compartmentalize.

 

My question is why don't you want to be faithful to your H who makes you so happy? Once upon a time I'm sure you saw yourself as a faithful wife. If he makes you happy, how do you justify the betrayal?

[I-care]

You are correct that I saw myself as a faithful & loving wife for almost 20 years. I cannot in any way justify the betrayal yet can't seem to stop it either. My husband is loving and supportive (our sex life has always been great also). I would describe my marriage as happy and content which is exactly what it should be after almost 20 years. I have tried to be rational & realistic and convince myself that the affair is new, fun, & exciting and that will not last BUT I truly feel it is more than that. We have so much more than just sex & attraction. I truly feel like I have fallen head over heels in love with him yet this does not diminish the love I have for my husband. It's only different. The guilt of the betrayal alone me destroy me yet I cannot bring myself to completely end it.

[Artie Lang]

what you two are planning sounds exactly like that movie "Same Time, Next Year."

[I-care]

Yes I have considered the possibility of my husband finding out and have actually tried to end the affair numerous times merely on that chance that it will destroy my husband & my children. I KNOW in my head what a terrible thing I am doing and can convince myself to stop it UNTIL he calls or text me and all reason flys out the window:(

[mercy]

Yes I have considered the possibility of my husband finding out and have actually tried to end the affair numerous times merely on that chance that it will destroy my husband & my children. I KNOW in my head what a terrible thing I am doing and can convince myself to stop it UNTIL he calls or text me and all reason flys out the window:(

 

So knowing this would destroy your husband and children isn't enough? Have you really played that out in your head? Sometimes we have to put self aside and look at the bigger picture.

 

I'm sorry but all this lying and deceitfulness cannot make a happy home.

[Artie Lang]

maybe you should give your marriage one last shot..... a monogamous marriage, i mean.

 

if it doesn't work out, you should consider divorcing your husband. if you "love" him(husband) like you say do, you shouldn't keep betraying him like this. you owe him that much.

 

right now, you're just a cake-eater. you're living in the safety and security of the marriage, while having something for yourself on the side. very selfish.

 

maybe you should bring up an "open-marriage," seeing as you are comfortable sharing yourself with another man. why not give your husband the same opportunity?

[HisGraceisSufficient]

No matter what you try to tell yourself, your feelings about the affair reel you back in.

It's an addiction. Nobody risks losing their whole family unless there is a strong pull, lure, attraction, stronghold but you are a slave because this affair has mastered you.

 

"If it feels good do it. I deserve it. But, it makes me so happy! He's an amazing man! This must be right, or it would feel wrong. "

 

It's about greater attention, a new and exciting screenplay that has you and your wonderful, perfect AP at center stage. It feels and seems so idyllic, wonderful and special.

 

But, its about a corrupt heart, poor boundaries and selfishness. After it falls apart, you will be left with the truth of the affair: it will destroy your credibility and respect for the rest of your life.

 

And, I hope you will be humbled and taught through the folly of your heart.

 

*Speaking from experience! I was a fool to believe in the lies of adultery and I will bear consequences for the rest of my life.

[I-care]

Cake-eater......got it.(& totally agree) Thanks to everyone for the advice. It's amazing how seeing the deceit & lies in black & white make it more real. I will find the strength to do the right thing for my family

[woinlove]

Cake-eater......got it.(& totally agree) Thanks to everyone for the advice. It's amazing how seeing the deceit & lies in black & white make it more real. I will find the strength to do the right thing for my family

 

I hope you do and, if you do, it'll also be the right thing for you. Don't expect it to be easy, as A are often like an addiction and need to be broken like an addiction, step by step, striving to keep focus elsewhere, keep occupied elsewhere, remind yourself of the end result - a non-lying, non-deceiving you committed to the family and spouse you love.

 

On the question that came up as to whether you two could make it, maybe, but if your H has been faithful, your chances for a happy M are probably higher with him as only one spouse has to change into an honest, committed spouse. With your AP, both of you would need to change to make a lasting committed R and the sad fact is many people do not change. They go on to repeat the same destructive behavior in the future. I hope you work to become one of the ones who do change.

 

ETA: Oh, I see what came up whether you two could make a go of continuing to lie and cheat, not actually being with him.

Edited November 9, 2012 by woinlove

[Artie Lang]

i really hope so - but seriously doubt it, seeing how you've already planned your dalliances with OM - because the damage is done.

 

whether you believe it or not, your marriage is permanently ruined-- it's been tainted by infidelity.....only your husband is oblivious to it.

 

poor guy.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[MissBee]

What will your husband think of an open marriage? Or an arrangement to that effect? What will you think of it on his part as well?

 

I think that can be a solution for where you are happily married and don't want a divorce, but want the chance to sometimes pursue EMRS with your spouse's approval.

 

I am not sure if I could do this personally, but it makes a lot of sense to me and is an idea I am at least open to.

 

Maybe you should broach the subject with him casually and see what he says.

[whichwayisup]

You are correct that I saw myself as a faithful & loving wife for almost 20 years. I cannot in any way justify the betrayal yet can't seem to stop it either. My husband is loving and supportive (our sex life has always been great also). I would describe my marriage as happy and content which is exactly what it should be after almost 20 years. I have tried to be rational & realistic and convince myself that the affair is new, fun, & exciting and that will not last BUT I truly feel it is more than that. We have so much more than just sex & attraction. I truly feel like I have fallen head over heels in love with him yet this does not diminish the love I have for my husband. It's only different. The guilt of the betrayal alone me destroy me yet I cannot bring myself to completely end it.

 

Maybe you should tell your husband you want an open marriage, this way he can go and find a woman on the side as well.

 

What you're doing is really selfish and if your H does find out, he is going to be completely devastated, and so will your children.

 

Your options? Stay away from MM and end the A completely and re connect with your husband. Obviously something is missing inside of you to allow yourself to get close to another man. Since you say your marriage is good and your husband is a great guy. Or as I said above, suggest an open marriage, this way it's fair for both of you experience another person and fulfill all needs.

[beenburned]

There is a poster here that has an open marriage. Maybe she can suggest how to approach the subject.

 

I always prefer the truth, so each spouse has the opportunity to decide what is right for them personally!

 

I am a long ago BW to a FWH that cheated in the early years of our marriage with 3 different OW, who were all just sexual FB's. If I had the truth back then of what was happening, I would have made completely different choices about my life. I was completely loyal to someone that didn't deserve it.

[2sure]

I think it might be an even split between cheaters unhappy in their marriage and cheaters happy in their marriage.

 

It seems like very often people in unhappy marriages get divorced. Not real hard to figure that out.

 

Also very often, people in happy marriages find themselves getting an ego boost or new validation outside the marriage...and then suddenly their marriage hasn't been good. They didn't notice before or are finding justification for cheating...which they always can. You picked "soul mate". A lot of people pick that one.

 

People that cheat but also want their marriage ...seem to have a very difficult time just stopping the affair without a DDay. Also, it seems like without a DDay the affair never comes out to the light of day, the risk of losing what you really want is never on the table...so, the married affair partner continues to pine away for a relationship that happens in their head as opposed to improving the relationship they chose and want.

 

You've taken a lot from your husband.

[scatterd]

The biggest question is WHY? Why have I fallen in love with him when I am happily married and was in NO way looking for anything outside my marriage?

 

20 years of marriage is along time, after being with someone for years The excitement, and intense sexbecomes more of love making and comfortable, then it was in the beginning. When you are with the OM all that excitement and intenseness that you feel from newness is there.You have a natural highness from this which becomes addicting. This is why it is so hard for you both to end this. I feel for his wife and your husband because they can never compete with that newness again. If you are caught everyone would be broken hearted. The only way that you both can end this is to go NC. I think if you see each other even twice a year you will get caught it will be a matter of time. You both have allot to lose. I hope you have found the answers you are seeking here, Read stories of what happens when OW and OM get caught and also of how their relationship's excelled to wanting to end their marriages.

Welcome to LS.

[woinlove]

I'm in an open M and would not recommend trying an open M in the fallout of a deceitful affair. If you were serious about an open M, you would first have to do the work of understanding how you could deceive your family, why you chose to behave that way, and what you can do to change your behavior and values to be consistent with openness and honesty with your family. And you and your H would have to rebuild the trust in your M to a level that can sustain a committed open M. After that, if your H was still interested, then you could start on in-depth discussions about the kind of M you two wanted and if you could both commit to the type of openness and honesty, as well as the level of trust, that an open M requires. You would be looking years down the road. My advice is to just start on undoing some of the deceit by becoming more honest today and tomorrow and the next month, and see if you have any marriage left to discuss.

[Survivor12]

I'm stuck on how a marriage can be deemed a happy one when one person isn't aware that they are being deceived by their spouse. Reality lies in how happy it would be if they knew the truth.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Survivor12
Sentence structure

[ComingInHot]

Question... Are you prepared for the look on your children's faces when they find out what you have chosen to become by spreading it for a MM?

 

They WILL have mental images of your literal Actions same as your husband.

 

Unless of course you tell your husband the TRUTH and He decides an Open marriage is cool as long as your honest w/him about it. Of course then there is explaining to the children what you both decided and teaching them infidelity is O.K. so long as both agree, right?

 

Realistically you won't do this as Most Cheaters don't Like to be cheated on unless again , your cool w/that too... Hhhmmmmmmmm **

[carhill]

I wonder how long this could go on?

Until one of you dies, as a potential, like in the movie related prior, although I don't recall either of those characters dying in the film.

Am I really happier knowing that I get to see him a couple times a year versus ending it for good?

If you feel happier about that, you are happier.

 

The biggest question is WHY? Why have I fallen in love with him when I am happily married and was in NO way looking for anything outside my marriage?

Falling in love, soulmates, and similar descriptive words/phrases evolve as we evolve. You are a far different person today than you were as a teenager and when you married your husband. Life and society has changed; you have changed due to your life experiences.

 

If having a 'deep ocean of secrets' is something you can compartmentalize away from your apparently positive feelings about your marital life, then that's one potential. It's been a potential for men and women throughout time where pair-bonds were/are part of their lives. Each person's psychology is different. If you can, the next question to ask yourself is if you would feel positively about your husband having his own 'deep ocean of secrets' (I plagiarized this from the movie 'Titanic'). If the answer is yes, then that moves you further down the road. If the answer is no, perhaps that conflict within you bears scrutiny.

 

If the realities and potentials seem overwhelmingly and/or unclear, a professional can offer assistance in clarifying them.

 

IMO, if your behavior/psychological perspective regarding this infatuation/romance/soulmate is inhibiting the maintenance and prioritization of your marriage, then it bears scrutiny. This posting perhaps is part of that scrutiny. Good luck.

Edited November 10, 2012 by carhill

[Pierre]

You are correct that I saw myself as a faithful & loving wife for almost 20 years. I cannot in any way justify the betrayal yet can't seem to stop it either. My husband is loving and supportive (our sex life has always been great also). I would describe my marriage as happy and content which is exactly what it should be after almost 20 years. I have tried to be rational & realistic and convince myself that the affair is new, fun, & exciting and that will not last BUT I truly feel it is more than that. We have so much more than just sex & attraction. I truly feel like I have fallen head over heels in love with him yet this does not diminish the love I have for my husband. It's only different. The guilt of the betrayal alone me destroy me yet I cannot bring myself to completely end it.

 

Happy married people can have affairs. At least you are smart and have not re-written your marital history.

 

We are wired for polygamy, but at the same time would be very hurt if our mate is betraying us.

 

If you put married men and women together for extended periods of time there will be affairs. That is why the work place is fertile ground for affairs. IN the work place married men and women spend hours together working on the same goals and even go away on business trips and stay in the same hotel.

 

The naive single OWs still believe in the fantasy that a happy married man could never cheat. They use that to justify the involvement with a married man.

 

The solution to your problem is rather simple:

 

Now that you are far away from each other try to go into 100% NC. No phone calls and no texts---NOTHING! Erase old emails, get rid of old photos. YOu need to erase your lover from the face of the Earth. If you do this hermetic NC you will be out within 6-8 months. If you continue sporadic contact, no matter how subtle you will always be in affair mode and risk the destruction of your home, family, children, and your husband. After d-day you will wish to be dead. So go 100% NC.

[waterwoman]

It's easy to fall in love. It's the easiest thing in the world. Just because you are in a stable contented marriage it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to someone else. And if you let that attraction develop you can fall in love. It's not that amazing or unusual. Really it isn't. I love my H but there are still drop-dead gorgeous men out there, some of whom even look at me twice... because marriage doesn't give you a chastity belt with big neon lights on it saying' unavailable'. The thing that says 'unavailable' is supposed to be YOU.

 

Unless you are still in the first phase of love with your 20yrs married H I doubt you are obsessed with him, desperate to see him all the time, hurting when he has to leave.... hope not anyway, after 20 yrs you must be exhausted! And that first-phase love is alluring and exciting and an old relationship just can't compete in the short-term.

 

It doesn't mean your new lover is your soul-mate..whatever the f*** that mean It just means he;s new and exciting.

 

So, choose. Unless you think your H would be happy with the arrangement, just choose. Oh, and if you are struggling with the decision tell your H - he'll help.

[I-care]

 

The solution to your problem is rather simple:

 

Now that you are far away from each other try to go into 100% NC. No phone calls and no texts---NOTHING! Erase old emails, get rid of old photos. YOu need to erase your lover from the face of the Earth. If you do this hermetic NC you will be out within 6-8 months. If you continue sporadic contact, no matter how subtle you will always be in affair mode and risk the destruction of your home, family, children, and your husband. After d-day you will wish to be dead. So go 100% NC.

 

Decision made......100% NC. I truly appreciate all the advice and TRUTH being shared here.

Thank you!

I will post again when I have succeeded to move on with my life, my husband, & my family.