jojoqueen Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I am 2 yrs into finding out about the first one, and 7 months into knowing about previous affairs. Going to councelling, not sure if it's helping. I am just curious, is it normal for me to feel the need to physically hurt the other woman? There are days when all I can think of is how good it would feel to smash her knee cap. Is this normal? LOL, I am not usually prone to violence, I am the type to open the window for the fly, not kill it.
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Normal if you assign all responsibility to her. Problem is he too was an adult participant. Better think more deeply. He's a serial cheater but gets a pass. 2
Author jojoqueen Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 LOL, by no means is he getting a pass. I admit I have done everything to make his life miserable since finding out. I don't really think I want it to work for us, I will continue to make his life suck up until our last child is grown or he leaves.
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Lay-A-Way plan for how many years? Careful, you & kids living in misery is a heavy price to have him around to flog.
River Rain Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 LOL, by no means is he getting a pass. I admit I have done everything to make his life miserable since finding out. I don't really think I want it to work for us, I will continue to make his life suck up until our last child is grown or he leaves. I'm sure that's the anger still talking, because if you spend so much energy trying to make his life suck, yours will too by default. I think anger is understandable when finding out about your man cheating. It's an emotion based on hurt and fear, so it's normal. I had revenge fantasies about my boss when he totally screwed me over, I even wrote a little short story, lol...
mitzikilgore Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I'm sure that's the anger still talking, because if you spend so much energy trying to make his life suck, yours will too by default. This is a very important point Jojo. Worth some emphasis.
Author jojoqueen Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I am realizing that yes I am angry, and yes I need or feel like I need to get revenge right now. I do my best to make sure that my kids have not felt any of this anger.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I'd say the rage is normal. Keep posting here, I think that's actually one of the best ways to vent. Let us have it! XD I do agree though about not focusing on the OW. There are lots of OW that could have filled that role, but you only have one H and he is the one that you are in a relationship with. Also you could go to the gym, or take up listening to heavy metal! 1
NotCamelot Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 jojoqueen, I completely understand. Read through this thread I started regarding my similar problem regarding my feeling about the OM my W cheated with: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/352758-should-i-expose-om-very-public-way
Artie Lang Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 totally normal, jojo. i agree that you shouldn't prolong his punishment, for the sake of your kids and your sanity. you're either gonna move on with him, or without him. you don't have to make a choice right now, but you do have to make one at some point. better to cut the cord and give yourself another chance with someone else, rather than wallow in resentment for however many years you see fit.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 totally normal, jojo. i agree that you shouldn't prolong his punishment, for the sake of your kids and your sanity. you're either gonna move on with him, or without him. you don't have to make a choice right now, but you do have to make one at some point. better to cut the cord and give yourself another chance with someone else, rather than wallow in resentment for however many years you see fit. Many people here point out that most reconciliations take 2-5 years...and not to give "cheap forgiveness". Give it time. I sometimes feel like new people here can never "get it right" =\...that is unless they divorce immediately.
Artie Lang Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 2-5 years is a lengthy investment. then, you're not even sure "it takes." like I said, you have to be "all in," or reconciliation will fail.
mercy Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I am realizing that yes I am angry, and yes I need or feel like I need to get revenge right now. I do my best to make sure that my kids have not felt any of this anger. Are you more angry at yourself? Your children will feel it, the anger will emit from you no matter how you try to hide it. This may be what is causing you to feel such rage. It isn't healthy for you. If his infidelity is going to be a life sentence then get out now. Please don't do this to yourself. What would have to happen to allow you to begin healing? 1
Sauron Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Why do you think he cheated? Has he said or have you asked him?
freestyle Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Did any of the OW know you, before the affair?
Author jojoqueen Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 I asked why he cheated, his response was that he enjoyed the excitement of it? Did the other woman know about me and his family, YES they did, at least the ones I found out about, I know they knew he had a family, I know for sure that one of them also has a family. I actually spoke to her and told her I wouldn't tell her spouse.
Pillow Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Why would you say that to OW? "I wouldn't tell your spouse" How do you know how you'll feel months for now? Your h's explanation:"The excitement of it all." That's great explanation from you H. Now, you just have to try not to bore him and he won't cheat. I'm sure you're very happy you got that explained. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I am 2 yrs into finding out about the first one, and 7 months into knowing about previous affairs. Going to councelling, not sure if it's helping. I am just curious, is it normal for me to feel the need to physically hurt the other woman? There are days when all I can think of is how good it would feel to smash her knee cap. Is this normal? LOL, I am not usually prone to violence, I am the type to open the window for the fly, not kill it. It is completely normal and it is the psyche protecting itself from the pain of betrayal and the love you still have for your spouse. It is dis or misplaced anger and that will come later. But right now it is a self defense mechanism and completely normal! I liken it to the call from school telling you your child was in a fight at you need to pick them up now. Your child isn't aggressive and has never done anything like this before. How could this be? Now you see your child and they are scared and socking and they have a black eye. The rage comes up from your toes and you want to smash the bully who did this to your child and caused the two of you such pain! In time you will find out a detail here and another one there; your child instigated it, or outright provoked it, or could have done 100 things differently to avoid this and your anger will slowly shift to your child. Right now? You are enraged at the one who hurt you and him and your marriage. And that is perfectly normal.
veryhappy Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 There are days when all I can think of is how good it would feel to smash her knee cap. What I get from this is that all OW approaching dday should make sure they have a supply of knee pads.
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