Inflikted Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I guess I'm a bit of an odd guy. "Attraction" doesn't seem to work for me the way it does a normal person. I've never been the type that sees a "pretty girl" and thinks "Ooh, I want to go out with her!". The only girls I've ever been "attracted" to and wanted date (and this is a very small handful of girls, by the way) have been girls I got to know first. Of course, nothing ever ends up happening with those girls, for one reason or another. This makes things a bit... frustrating, because I rarely become "attracted" to any girls, and on the rare occasion that I do, it's apparently not mutual; that means that I pretty much just don't date at all. People say you just have to keep asking girls out until you find one that works out, but I just can't do that... I mean, I wouldn't say I have problems talking to girls at all. I'm not particularly "shy" or "nervous" when it comes to girls (I'm a bit reserved around new people in general, but that typically goes away with a little time). I just... I can't see any value in asking out girls that I don't (yet) feel any kind of "attraction" towards. It just doesn't make sense to me.
River Rain Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 The only girls I've ever been "attracted" to and wanted date (and this is a very small handful of girls, by the way) have been girls I got to know first. I just... I can't see any value in asking out girls that I don't (yet) feel any kind of "attraction" towards. It just doesn't make sense to me. I just read these two sentences and they kind of contradict each other. You are only attracted to girls you need to get to know first, but you don't see the value in asking girls out in order to get to know them? I'm not sure I understand. Are you just feeling dejected from the whole dating process because it's not working for you? I have instant attractions to men when I see them and they're my type, physically speaking. But it's a superficial attraction that I normally don't act on. The real attraction comes when I start to get to know them. I've only started dating again this year after a long hiatus. I've met about 30 men over the course of the last 6 months. I'm currently single. It's discouraging, but I have to keep getting back on that horse, because I want to have a loving and compatible relationship, that's my goal. So that's the value in doing it.
Author Inflikted Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 What I'm saying is, the "normal" way of dating seems to be "Meet someone, decide pretty quickly if you're attracted to them, ask them out". For me, "attraction" is something that can take me weeks, or months, to develop for someone. But if I'm not "attracted" to a girl (yet), how can I ask her out? That's my problem. I don't see the value in just going around asking out random girls, because I have no basis for attraction towards them. Never have I met a girl that I was "drawn to" fairly early on and wanted to ask out. The few girls I have pursued, I had known them for months, and at some point, something about them caught my attention and made me want to date them. Is this making sense? It seems like a "normal" guy would see a "pretty" girl in passing and say to himself "She's pretty, I want to ask her out". It doesn't work that way for me. Like I said, for me, it takes a bit of time. I need some kind of "connection" before I can feel "attracted" enough to a person to want to date them.
River Rain Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I don't think you can define it as abnormal. I think the definition of dating is to get together in order to get to know a person. These days with email, texting and social networking, people seem to be in overdrive mode to get together in a relationship. I'm quite old fashioned myself, and I find it hard to find a guy who wants to take things slowly and get to know me beyond the superficial. I do know that there are a few still out there though, I actually met a guy who doesn't own a cell phone, and that alone sparked my interest! If you don't want to ask out random girls, then I guess you just have to find ways to make friends with girls and get to know them through friendship. Only problem with that is that if you only show interest in being her friend at first, she might lose interest in you as a potential romantic interest. Conundrum.
iris219 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 What you just described is how most women feel about men. It's also one of the reasons why women don't approach men. I mean, I can't see why I'd approach a man I have no interest in, which is all men I don't know. As a guy, this will make your life a little bit harder, but don't let it stop from interacting with women. Even a very short conversation can give you an idea of what someone is like. If after a few minutes, you want to get to know the woman better, ask her out. If you don't find her interesting or you aren't feeling it for whatever reason, don't ask her out.
xxoo Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 What I'm saying is, the "normal" way of dating seems to be "Meet someone, decide pretty quickly if you're attracted to them, ask them out". For me, "attraction" is something that can take me weeks, or months, to develop for someone. But if I'm not "attracted" to a girl (yet), how can I ask her out? That's my problem. I don't see the value in just going around asking out random girls, because I have no basis for attraction towards them. Never have I met a girl that I was "drawn to" fairly early on and wanted to ask out. The few girls I have pursued, I had known them for months, and at some point, something about them caught my attention and made me want to date them. Is this making sense? It seems like a "normal" guy would see a "pretty" girl in passing and say to himself "She's pretty, I want to ask her out". It doesn't work that way for me. Like I said, for me, it takes a bit of time. I need some kind of "connection" before I can feel "attracted" enough to a person to want to date them. I think it is pretty normal for people to develop mutual feelings for each other through interactions. The only problem I can see is, if it has taken you months to develop an attraction to a woman, you may have treated her in a "brotherly" way for months, and now she may think of you in a "brotherly" way.
mortensorchid Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I can relate in some ways. Really, I think I know what you mean. There are some people out there who are so goregous or have such charisma that all people will just go "WOW!" when they see them. They never say a word to them, and they just have some kind of presence about them. Others - a lot of others - do not. You have to kind of train yourself to see others in another light.
Author Inflikted Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 The only problem I can see is, if it has taken you months to develop an attraction to a woman, you may have treated her in a "brotherly" way for months, and now she may think of you in a "brotherly" way. I... see that side of the coin, so to speak, but I think the fact that I'm, in general, pretty emotionally "closed off" kind of stops that from happening, yanno? To most people, I don't actually open up that much. When I get comfortable around people, my real personality kinda shines through a bit, but there's still a lot I hold back. Not for any specific reason, I've just... never really gotten close to people, in general. Heck, most (if not all?) people that know me right now (or have known me fairly recently) probably know little to nothing about me, even. I'm very selective about who I truly "let in". The last girl I was really into (which was actually recent), we knew each other for over a year, but we never really got too close. Back in about... May, she seemed to take an interest in me (or at least it felt like she had), and she was trying to get to know me a bit, and even making a point to seek me out and spend time with me, to talk or joke around, or whatever. Little by little, I started opening up to her, and it soon hit me how well we connected and how much we had in common. I think I've "let her in" more so than anyone in recent memory (perhaps ever?). Eventually, I asked her out, she took some time to think it over, but ultimately turned me down for reasons I suppose I'll never know. We immediately went back to what we had before, with no awkwardness or anything, which was nice. I do still think about her, and wonder about her and me a bit, though, but unless we become more integrated into each other's social lives very soon, I suspect I won't be seeing her anymore after December or January-ish. Shame, too, because I hate to say goodbye to the one person I've "let in", and come to trust, feel comfortable with, and generally care for.
Author Inflikted Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 OP, how strong is your sex drive? As far as what? I mean, how do you "measure" your sex drive?
mysteryscape Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 How often do you think about sex? Are you horny all the time? How often do you masturbate, if you do? (If you don't, doesn't mean you have low sex drive; see previous options.)
Author Inflikted Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) How often do you think about sex? Are you horny all the time? How often do you masturbate, if you do? (If you don't, doesn't mean you have low sex drive; see previous options.) Ah. Well... I'd say with that kind of thing, I'm more or less "normal". Fairly often, I have pretty random sexual fantasies, stuff I wouldn't (or couldn't) pursue in real life. Most of the time, if I'm looking to, er... "take care of business", I just watch some amateur porn from a particular site and do my thing. Although, it's worth noting that I've been "bored" with my current "routine" for some time, now. I've been handling my "sex drive" the same way for as long as I can remember, and at this point, I almost feel like I'm just going through the motions. I don't know if that means anything of any significance, though...? Edited November 10, 2012 by Inflikted
xxoo Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 But it sounds like you don't think of the women around you sexually. Is that what you mean by no attraction?
Author Inflikted Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 But it sounds like you don't think of the women around you sexually. Is that what you mean by no attraction? That's part of it, I suppose, but I mean overall "attraction". I'm not one to notice physical features. Whenever I become attracted to a girl, rare as that may be, it's usually because of some aspect (or, more accurately, a combination of them) of her personality. After I become attracted that way, then I start noticing physical attraction.
xxoo Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 It's a little difficult to understand how you have a normal sex drive, and no sex partner, yet not having sexual thoughts about the women around you. Maybe refrain from the porn for a few weeks and see if more general attraction grows?
Author Inflikted Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Maybe refrain from the porn for a few weeks and see if more general attraction grows? I suppose, but I'm not sure that'll do much; as it is, I don't watch it that much, and I've been bored with porn for a long time, as well.
smokey bear Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I suppose, but I'm not sure that'll do much; as it is, I don't watch it that much, and I've been bored with porn for a long time, as well. I think your over analysing this and it could be just as simple as you rate personality and character higher on your want list than you do looks. Its personality, x factor, mojo, that atrracts you, not physical looks. You tend not to notice this in people until you get to know them.
jcrew11 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Join a Yoga class or some other hobby with women in it that you can share in a platonic way.
Author Inflikted Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 I think your over analysing this and it could be just as simple as you rate personality and character higher on your want list than you do looks. Its personality, x factor, mojo, that atrracts you, not physical looks. You tend not to notice this in people until you get to know them. Well, yeah, but I kinda already know that. The problem is, that seems to make dating impossible for me, because it can take a bit of time before I realize I'm attracted to someone enough to want to date them, and for 99% of girls, I never actually end up developing that attraction.
mysteryscape Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I started developing crushes on girls as early as second grade, if not earlier. Nothing sexual about them until I got older. You might try refraining from all porn, masturbation for a while and see what that does. A lot of guys are suffering from porn-induced impotence these days, and a lot from masturbation-induced boredom with women. Try being "hands free" for a month and see what happens.
carhill Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I've never been the type that sees a "pretty girl" and thinks "Ooh, I want to go out with her!". The only girls I've ever been "attracted" to and wanted date (and this is a very small handful of girls, by the way) have been girls I got to know first. Getting used to living alone really helps Accept that this is outlier male behavior, so women don't respond well to it, in general. There are exceptions. Enjoy those. Good luck. 1
Author Inflikted Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Getting used to living alone really helps Accept that this is outlier male behavior, so women don't respond well to it, in general. There are exceptions. Enjoy those. Good luck. So, that's it? I'm pretty much SoL? v_v
carhill Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 It may be different for your generation but, with mine, yep, that's it. I had to fundamentally alter my natural relationship style to get dates, have LTR's and be married. Looking back, it's as clear as a bright sunny day. Short of meeting an exception, all I can do is wish you well and opine that, in the long term, there are more important and meaningful potentials in life than dating.
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