Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 If you start to think about dumping someone or wanting out of a relationship, is that a bad sign?
mammasita Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I think yes, but similarly, it's hard to say without knowing any background or what is causing these feelings.
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 No. It's actually one of the stages of relationships. This stage happens to EVERYONE. Read here: The five stages of a relationship : Stltoday Looks like you've hit stage 3. That's the re-evaluation stage. I've been told that the majority of relationships (read: 95%) of them end at this stage. This is the stage divorces happen, relationships end... the end of the article tells you that less than 5% of all people get to the 5th stage. Sad, huh? For those 5% who make it, they get through the re-evaluation stage and decide that they truly accept their partner, good and bad. They re-establish boundaries, expectations, wants, needs, etc. 1
River Rain Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Personally when I thought about dumping my ex, it was all for good reason. But I chose not to listen to my gut instinct and tried to keep things going. It didn't last long though. I think it's a sign that you are re-thinking things as well. Re-evaluating if you're truly happy and if this is what you want out of a relationship. Keep thinking about it, try a pros and cons list, maybe you're just having GIGS too.
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I think yes, but similarly, it's hard to say without knowing any background or what is causing these feelings. Well Im having these feelings because, 1) I just feel off, when he hugs me or kisses me,and dont feel any longing to be with him anymore. 2) we have differnet goals for the future 3) I sometimes miss my ex...
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 No. It's actually one of the stages of relationships. This stage happens to EVERYONE. Read here: The five stages of a relationship : Stltoday Looks like you've hit stage 3. That's the re-evaluation stage. I've been told that the majority of relationships (read: 95%) of them end at this stage. This is the stage divorces happen, relationships end... the end of the article tells you that less than 5% of all people get to the 5th stage. Sad, huh? For those 5% who make it, they get through the re-evaluation stage and decide that they truly accept their partner, good and bad. They re-establish boundaries, expectations, wants, needs, etc. So .. you think I should try and work through what i feel and stay with the person no matter what ? Even if I feel like this now... dont you think thats a bad sign , that I may feel it again in the future? We took a break once,and now I feel like wanting out again...that cant be good.?
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Well Im having these feelings because, 1) I just feel off, when he hugs me or kisses me,and dont feel any longing to be with him anymore. 2) we have differnet goals for the future 3) I sometimes miss my ex... You're emotionally unavailable. I think the most telling of all three of these is number 3. If you miss your ex, and your emotions are with a past partner, realistically, how invested do you think you can be with a new partner? How long were you broken up with your ex for before you got with your current boyfriend? If you got with him soon after the split, you most likely used him as a rebound situation, and now that the appeal has worn off you're seeing him for what he really is, and not the fantasy you made him out to be.
dumPI Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Well Im having these feelings because, 1) I just feel off, when he hugs me or kisses me,and dont feel any longing to be with him anymore. 2) we have differnet goals for the future 3) I sometimes miss my ex... Reverse the order: the last one should be the first one. All other things are just projections of you thinking of your ex.
dumPI Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 You're emotionally unavailable. I think the most telling of all three of these is number 3. If you miss your ex, and your emotions are with a past partner, realistically, how invested do you think you can be with a new partner? How long were you broken up with your ex for before you got with your current boyfriend? If you got with him soon after the split, you most likely used him as a rebound situation, and now that the appeal has worn off you're seeing him for what he really is, and not the fantasy you made him out to be. which would be a proof of what we just wrote on the other thread ... 1
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 You're emotionally unavailable. I think the most telling of all three of these is number 3. If you miss your ex, and your emotions are with a past partner, realistically, how invested do you think you can be with a new partner? How long were you broken up with your ex for before you got with your current boyfriend? If you got with him soon after the split, you most likely used him as a rebound situation, and now that the appeal has worn off you're seeing him for what he really is, and not the fantasy you made him out to be. 3 months after the official break up..but a month and a half after I had kissed my ex, not whilst we were in a relationship.( It was long distance, so it was the first time id seen him,since the relationship) yeah i guess your right it was partly rebound..but the guy Im with now, for nearly half a year,does have a lot of the qualities I look for in a guy and im afraid I will be letting go a great guy...
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 So .. you think I should try and work through what i feel and stay with the person no matter what ? Even if I feel like this now... dont you think thats a bad sign , that I may feel it again in the future? We took a break once,and now I feel like wanting out again...that cant be good.? Every person who has ever been in, and who will be in a relationship in the future will hit this crossroads. It's an inevitability no matter how happy you think you are in the beginning. Eventually reality sets in. This is the stage which sets apart lasting relationships, from relationship that end up breaking up. And as statistics have shown you in that article, 95% of people split. I think it's just easier for most to think, "Well I'm feeling I want out, so it obviously must be wrong, and I should leave and find what I'm looking for." Problem is that most people do leave, get with someone new, and this stage eventually creeps in again. Relationships take WORK. The amount of effort and work you need to do never ends and it only becomes harder the longer you remain with someone. To keep a LTR going you need to get out of the ruts, bring the spark back, date each other again, do new things. If you just sit back and do nothing, of course you're not going to be happy. People who love each other will recognize this and take steps to ensure that their partners needs are constantly being met. That's the only way a relationship will ever last long term. And the problem is that as people get older and grow, their needs and wants are constantly changing. What you want now, clearly isn't what you wanted months ago... so it's up to YOU to communicate that to your partner, to find out what you can do and what he can do to now meet your changing needs. Your issue, I think is your ex. I think this current relationship is a bandaid on a broken heart, and you're using it to try to move on. Unfortunately it's a recipe for disaster. I think you're truly emotionally unavailable to your current boyfriend and it's only fair that you let him go if you're missing the ex. You need to close that chapter in your life. Be single. Work through the emotions. 2
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 which would be a proof of what we just wrote on the other thread ... which other thread ? :/
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 3 months after the official break up..but a month and a half after I had kissed my ex, not whilst we were in a relationship.( It was long distance, so it was the first time id seen him,since the relationship) yeah i guess your right it was partly rebound..but the guy Im with now, for nearly half a year,does have a lot of the qualities I look for in a guy and im afraid I will be letting go a great guy... This guy may be the greatest guy on earth, but if you're emotionally unavailable it won't matter. You're not really seeing him for what he has to offer. Your mind, emotions, thoughts are elsewhere. You're not currently capable of opening yourself up to him on that level. On paper he looks good but you're just not feeling it within yourself. Time to be honest with him and yourself. 2
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 which other thread ? :/ How people shouldn't date other people mere months after another relationship. You're still hurting and grieving. You were rebounding and now this new guy is sucked into your baggage. It's really best to remain single after a split so you can heal and get into something new with no drama and no problems. 1
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 thanks alot for your help^^ I think I needed the boost , to see reality . I know what I must do now.
dumPI Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 The problem is that you are in a complicate situation. I guess you are young (around 18-22) How you solve it though will have a lot of meaning for your future. You cannot continue with new guy as you are going to be fighting against this "not wanting to be with him" feeling and it's going to eat you inside. Did your ex break with you? Your easy choice would be to get back with your ex but you'd be just supressing your feelings again, your not wanting to be alone. Best thing for you in a long run would be to stay single with no contact to the ex, or to the new guy. In half/a year you could see clearly what you need. Feelings appear when people take their time alone to grow and be in touch and happy with themselves.
puzzled1 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 No. It's actually one of the stages of relationships. This stage happens to EVERYONE. Read here: The five stages of a relationship : Stltoday Looks like you've hit stage 3. That's the re-evaluation stage. I've been told that the majority of relationships (read: 95%) of them end at this stage. This is the stage divorces happen, relationships end... the end of the article tells you that less than 5% of all people get to the 5th stage. Sad, huh? For those 5% who make it, they get through the re-evaluation stage and decide that they truly accept their partner, good and bad. They re-establish boundaries, expectations, wants, needs, etc. This was a great read and I could put all of that into my relationship with my ex. Thanks for sharing!
Author Ginaa Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 The problem is that you are in a complicate situation. I guess you are young (around 18-22) How you solve it though will have a lot of meaning for your future. You cannot continue with new guy as you are going to be fighting against this "not wanting to be with him" feeling and it's going to eat you inside. Did your ex break with you? Your easy choice would be to get back with your ex but you'd be just supressing your feelings again, your not wanting to be alone. Best thing for you in a long run would be to stay single with no contact to the ex, or to the new guy. In half/a year you could see clearly what you need. Feelings appear when people take their time alone to grow and be in touch and happy with themselves. no my ex broke it off with me.. and because of the distance there seems to be no going back. so your suggesting that I try and get over BOTH of the guys for my own good?
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