Dealing with a paradigm shift after being cheated on

[idontkno]

I dated this man for two years, and I thought our relationship was great and so was he. Then out of nowhere he tells me he kissed a girl. I forgave him and gave him one chance...

 

And then last week he told me he ****ed her.

 

I'm not even mad right now. He's so confused that he was even able to do it, and doesn't know why he did it. I know I should go no contact but

 

My worldview has been shaken in that someone who is a fundamentally good human being, who still insists he loves me and regrets his actions terribly, could do this and not know why he did it. He is one of the most caring, empathetic people I know and I can't make the person that I know mesh with the person that would do this to me. How on earth can you **** someone else and not know why??

 

I'm worried i'm going to keep having issues and not be able to get over this until I figure out how a great person could do something so ****ed up and not know why.

[KatZee]

From personal experience, I'm telling you to get out. Get out now.

 

My ex and I were together almost three years and around our 2 year mark he confessed to cheating. He had sex with his ex.

 

Up until that point I thought roses grew out of his a.ss. We had the best relationship. He was a great person.

 

That's precisely the reason I stayed with him. That wasn't who he was. He wasn't a cheater. He wasn't this horrible person! He just made a mistake. He seemed remorseful. Regretful. He loved me. He didn't know how he was capable of cheating on the person he loved so much. He wanted us to get through it and be stronger than ever. I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

 

I stayed, but honestly, how I viewed him after that changed dramatically. I didn't feel love for him. I didn't look at him with those loving eyes, and that smile I had given him for two years. One day he pulled me aside and said he saw hate in my eyes, and that it scared him.

 

When he confessed to cheating, that was it. I lost all respect for him. The trust was shot to hell, the entire relationship as I knew it became a lie. I was angry, depressed, sad, all the time. It's like this crazy roller coaster you can't get off of.

 

In the end, HE wound up dumping me. Can you believe it? I am the one that had the reasons to leave, and I am furious at myself TO this day six months after the split for not leaving when he told me he cheated. I stayed. For what? Because I loved him? We weren't engaged. We weren't married. We didn't have kids, we didn't live together. We had absolutely nothing going on for us in terms of a future. I had all the freedom to walk away scott free to find something better. Instead I went down that path in which he started becoming emotionally abusive, I spent almost the next year in constant states of pain, hate, regret, anger, fury, disdain, no trust.

 

It was AWFUL. When I tell you the relationship was garbage and that the worst thing I did was stay, I'm being completely honest.

 

And the kicker is that when he finally dumped me, I found out who he really was. He wasn't this great, caring, self-less, empathetic human being. He was trash. He was a self absorbed, cowardly, lying, cheating prick.

 

He went and had sex with someone behind your back. Then lied about it. He wasn't giving a crap about you when he was sticking himself in another woman. He was concerned about himself. About what he wanted and needed. Cheating is hands down the most disrespectful thing one can do to their partner, and don't let him tell you that it was an "accident" or a "mistake." Cheating is neither of those things. Turning down the wrong street is an accident, being late on a rent payment is a mistake.

 

Cheating is a full out CHOICE. If there were issues between you two at that time, he could have chose to talk to you. Communicate. Instead, he chose to go out and cheat.

 

Inexcusable, and unforgivable in my opinion. You have no kids, no marriage, nothing with this guy. There are so many more out there who have morals and integrity than to treat you this way.

 

Also, if you give him a free pass, he knows he can do it again. I never used to believe "Once a cheater always a cheater." I do believe it now because he wound up doing it again to me, this time emotionally.

 

Cheaters have something fundamentally wrong with them on the inside to be able to treat people this way and unless he has consequences to his actions, or gets into some sort of counseling to understand why he'd go out and cheat, he WILL do it again.

[idontkno]

I'm not staying with him, that's for sure. It's just a non possibility.

 

But I feel like it is essential to my mental health that I understand exactly how I could date someone who could do this to a person they love and and not know why. I can understand a myriad of different ways you could cheat on someone. But I can't understand not knowing how or why you did it. And maybe this is naive but I believe him when he says he doesn't know how or why he did it.

 

I want to excuse his behaviour as self destructive because I can't put what he did into any other box. That being said, he is ****ing cowardly. He told me that (when he told me he wanted to move in with me one day, after the kiss but before the ****) that he said it because things were perfect when I was there but not when I was gone. What kind of messed up human being does this instead of...you know....talking to your partner.

 

Ugh. I wish I could remember this rage all of the time. It's like a switch was flipped a month ago and I dont recognize him after all of this has come up. But that's scary, because what if it happens again with someone else?

[KatZee]

I'm not staying with him, that's for sure. It's just a non possibility.

 

But I feel like it is essential to my mental health that I understand exactly how I could date someone who could do this to a person they love and and not know why. I can understand a myriad of different ways you could cheat on someone. But I can't understand not knowing how or why you did it. And maybe this is naive but I believe him when he says he doesn't know how or why he did it.

 

I want to excuse his behaviour as self destructive because I can't put what he did into any other box. That being said, he is ****ing cowardly. He told me that (when he told me he wanted to move in with me one day, after the kiss but before the ****) that he said it because things were perfect when I was there but not when I was gone. What kind of messed up human being does this instead of...you know....talking to your partner.

 

Ugh. I wish I could remember this rage all of the time. It's like a switch was flipped a month ago and I dont recognize him after all of this has come up. But that's scary, because what if it happens again with someone else?

 

Believe me, he knows why he cheated. He is just too cowardly to open up and tell you the reasons.

 

I'm sure if you go back to the start of your relationship you can dig up a few red flags that flew under your radar because you were in love.

 

Love does that to people. You will either blatantly miss, or ignore certain things. You'll excuse certain behaviors, find justifiable reason for things he did or said.

 

The kind of person that goes and cheats on someone they claim to "love" is the kind of person who doesn't really grasp and understand the meaning of true love. They understand love to the capacity they're able, but it's not the kind of love that most healthy individuals show it.

 

My ex is messed up. He's gone through a lot of horrible things, and his way of dealing was to completely shut down, internalize, he lacked all communication. He didn't know how to deal with problems at all. His way of dealing was to shut me out, and get wasted on alcohol. He never addressed problems, he would just ignore it for a few days and then act as if nothing happened.

 

My ex is not a happy person. He is completely broken on the inside despite all outward appearances. These people are the one's who are capable of cheating.

 

And for you, there's nothing wrong with you that you decided to stay, hell, I stayed. The way I act in relationships is to work through problems and get through things. I don't think that's a flaw, but what I did learn from my ex is that once someone disrespects you like that and crosses all boundaries and lines you have, it's time to get out and there's no point in putting that much work into something that the other person can't even respect.

 

You'll learn this lesson too. I doubt you'll stay with a cheater again, and you'll most likely instill stricter boundaries with yourself and others, and your tolerance for BS will be zero.

[dumPI]

Trying to understand and trying to know every reason behind actions of an ex seems the path to go for every dumpee. However, you'll get tired of reasoning back & forth with yourself. All the whys, hows, are gonna bounce in your mind.

 

Think like this: You were getting to know him for a life, it took you 2 years to meet the real him. And the real him is someone you wouldn't like to be with.

[KatZee]

he said it because things were perfect when I was there but not when I was gone. What kind of messed up human being does this instead of...you know....talking to your partner.

 

Wow my ex said this SAME THING! hahahahaha. He was like... oh things were so bad between us at that time. And honestly I stared at him with this blank expression because I literally had NO idea what he was talking about. To me, at that time, we were great. We were together all the time. So affectionate, so loving, doing things, going on vacations, having the time of our lives.

 

Then he comes to me saying things were so bad and he was so unhappy and that's why it happened?

 

I don't believe it for a second because for some reason I'm capable of remembering exactly what a person has said, and I will pull that memory recall years later.

 

I remember one day my ex said that our best times together, and best vacation was when we went to the Bahamas. That trip was literally 2-3 weeks before he cheated on me. On another talk we had, he said things during that time were so bad.

 

So which is it? Were things so amazing? Or were things so bad?

 

I think cheaters are just liars. They will try to justify their actions instead of taking responsibility. They will talk in circles, make things up, twist stories, try to rug sweep, try to pin the blame on the other person... it's all an act.

[idontkno]

Wow my ex said this SAME THING! hahahahaha. He was like... oh things were so bad between us at that time. And honestly I stared at him with this blank expression because I literally had NO idea what he was talking about. To me, at that time, we were great. We were together all the time. So affectionate, so loving, doing things, going on vacations, having the time of our lives.

 

Then he comes to me saying things were so bad and he was so unhappy and that's why it happened?

 

I don't believe it for a second because for some reason I'm capable of remembering exactly what a person has said, and I will pull that memory recall years later.

 

I remember one day my ex said that our best times together, and best vacation was when we went to the Bahamas. That trip was literally 2-3 weeks before he cheated on me. On another talk we had, he said things during that time were so bad.

 

So which is it? Were things so amazing? Or were things so bad?

 

I think cheaters are just liars. They will try to justify their actions instead of taking responsibility. They will talk in circles, make things up, twist stories, try to rug sweep, try to pin the blame on the other person... it's all an act.

 

I guess I have to accept that (really) it wasn't anything I did, and that he's just messed up. I still can't help but beleive him though.

[Mcnulty]

I cheated on my last ex, the one who brought me here. We reconciled, then 2 years later, she went off with my friend behind my back and cheated on me.

 

I was on here a year ago seeking help and support, was heartbroken, betrayed...woe is me!!!

 

Because we reconciled, I showed great remorse, we tried again and it ate away at her. I totally identify with a person on here saying her ex could see the hate in her eyes. You cheat, that's it, can't be fixed no matter what. The person who's been cheated on can never get back to where they were originally with you. The rel is stained, torn and beyond fixing. The trust goes, insecurity ate away at her, dislike was the word I would use for how she felt about me and in the end....she banged my mate and announced it on FB....I deserved it, I realize that now...I screwed up, end of.....karma bit and is still biting away at my ass now.

 

I was an idiot, would never do it again, lesson learned...if you want someone to stay in your life as your loved one, you best not let that eye wander, if you do, fundamentally, one day you will be screwed.

[KatZee]

I guess I have to accept that (really) it wasn't anything I did, and that he's just messed up. I still can't help but beleive him though.

 

It definitely wasn't anything you did. You could have been the best girlfriend on the planet, I know I was AWESOME to my ex and did absolutely nothing that warranted his behavior.

 

Cheating is never YOUR fault. Perhaps the relationship wasn't at it's best at that time but he still could have went to you to talk about it. Instead, being the broken person he is, he cheated. This was never about you.

 

Cheaters are weak, insecure, cowardly, self-absorbed, selfish, and broken. That's just reality.

[idontkno]

It definitely wasn't anything you did. You could have been the best girlfriend on the planet, I know I was AWESOME to my ex and did absolutely nothing that warranted his behavior.

 

Cheating is never YOUR fault. Perhaps the relationship wasn't at it's best at that time but he still could have went to you to talk about it. Instead, being the broken person he is, he cheated. This was never about you.

 

Cheaters are weak, insecure, cowardly, self-absorbed, selfish, and broken. That's just reality.

 

You're right. I just can't seem to merge these two conflicting ideas of him together quite yet

[KatZee]

You're right. I just can't seem to merge these two conflicting ideas of him together quite yet

 

Yeah I get it... and this is the precise reason I wound up staying with my ex after he cheated. I couldn't wrap my head around it. So I guess the best gift he ever gave me was dumping me. Because I just would have continued staying and working on it.