Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Have been talking to a guy from OLD. After some scheduling conflicts, he finally wants to meet up. He has a work happy hour tonight and wants to meet afterward. He knows what neighborhood I live in that is FULL of restaurants and coffee shops. He suggests a place in HIS neighborhood at 10 pm tonight - at a BAR. I know how this goes down. I drive to his neighborhood, we get a little tipsy on a Friday night and if he's "lucky", a FWB sitch ensues because I delivered myself up like a hot pizza. 1
mammasita Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 HA! I hear ya. Its really on you though. Are you going to insist on meeting another time, or meet him tonight?
verhrzn Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Or drop him altogether. That would be my recommendation, he sounds like a pain.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I'm not driving to his neighborhood tonight at 10 pm to meet a stranger at a bar, no. When men put absolutely no effort in it typically means they're looking for sex. And they want it to just fall into their lap at 10pm on a Friday night. No thanks. 1
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 You would settle for this why? You have total discretion and control. The guy is making no effort.
scratch Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I know how this goes down. I drive to his neighborhood, we get a little tipsy on a Friday night and if he's "lucky", a FWB sitch ensues because I delivered myself up like a hot pizza. Seems like you have some options here: 1. Suggest an alternate time/place/activity, perhaps a walk in the daytime. 2. Use self-control and don't get tipsy. 3. Infer the worst about this situation, writing off this person and his entire gender. Option 3 is clearly the one you will enjoy most, right?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Seems like you have some options here: 1. Suggest an alternate time/place/activity, perhaps a walk in the daytime. 2. Use self-control and don't get tipsy. 3. Infer the worst about this situation, writing off this person and his entire gender. Option 3 is clearly the one you will enjoy most, right? I dont think she inferred anything about all males here. If the guy "finally" wants to meet up, and then proposes arrangements that are clearly only advantageous to him … at TEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT - do you think that speaks well of the prospects for even getting to know him? I don't. I'm not a proponent of the "flaming hoops" theory, but it doesn't sound like this guy cares much whether he meets the OP or not, and is just going for it if it's massively convenient. Even if she does suggest a walk in the daytime, it's clear that's not where his interests lie. Why bother? OP - I don't think it's worth your time to meet him. If you do, the one point I agree with in the quoted post is, don't get tipsy. 3
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Haha - no I don't think all men are lazy idiots scouring the internet for sex. But after online dating (and dating in general) as long as I have, all of this sets the tone for expectation. This is based on experience. 10pm at a bar in his neighborhood that HE can walk to means one thing. 1
dasein Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) He's dumb because it's always best to make first dates closer to the woman's place. She's more relaxed and yes drinks a bit more, not necessarily for hookup but just for comfort factor, hookup becomes more likely though if the guy is confident and has good social skills. So likely not a player unless an incompetent one. Did you ask him to come to your area and he said no you come here instead? Or does he just not realize about more places to go near you? 10 PM is real late for a first date, and again 7-8 is much better for hookup/good impression prospects, so IMO he's not a player, but who knows really? I like 7PM dates because unless the woman goes out after, if the date is good, it will start the "I wish I had him here now" thinking when she gets home around 10 or so that leads to second date acceptance and attraction that can lead to more physical or even sex on the second date. Would just go and see what happens, not the time to build a case yet, go by your eyes and ears and how he acts when you are with him rather than the inevitable logistic issues with early dates. Hope you have a good date. Edited November 9, 2012 by dasein
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Ok. I texted him that it's kind of late. So he suggested 9:30. Ok whatever. I have a friend who lives in that neighborhood so I'm going to meet up with her first around 8ish for a beer. Then I can meet him for a drink and keep it friendly. I might even just ask him to bring his friends, too. Might as well make it a night out and if I run into him, so be it. Kind of how I'm looking at it now.
verhrzn Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Ok. I texted him that it's kind of late. So he suggested 9:30. Ok whatever. I have a friend who lives in that neighborhood so I'm going to meet up with her first around 8ish for a beer. Then I can meet him for a drink and keep it friendly. I might even just ask him to bring his friends, too. Might as well make it a night out and if I run into him, so be it. Kind of how I'm looking at it now. That.... just seems like you're still delivering yourself. A first date/beginning of a relationship should not be this uneven. I mean, okay, you wanna go, but at this point you know what he's looking for, so why waste your time? Unless there's a part of you that doesn't mind a one night stand (nothing wrong with that), but then be honest eh?
FitChick Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I'm wondering if you let him know that you will be out with a friend who lives in his neighborhood and he can join you, if he'll be as interested.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah I agree with you. I changed the time and the location though, to where I'll already be with friends. So I guess to me it really doesn't seem like I'm going out of my way. He can show or not - guess at this point I don't really care lol.
verhrzn Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah I agree with you. I changed the time and the location though, to where I'll already be with friends. So I guess to me it really doesn't seem like I'm going out of my way. He can show or not - guess at this point I don't really care lol. My guess is he'll show at 10:30 and act obnoxious.... "teasing" you for being too high-maintenance, flirting with your friend, etc, and trying to plaster you with drinks.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 My guess is he'll show at 10:30 and act obnoxious.... "teasing" you for being too high-maintenance, flirting with your friend, etc, and trying to plaster you with drinks. haha. You probably nailed it. He didn't seem too interested to begin with though. I can hold my own. At this point I'm taking it about as seriously as he is.
dasein Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I'd probably outright cancel any first date with a woman who was bringing her friends or asked me to bring mine, that's just me though. Not saying that to be judgmental, but just saying. I'm probably significanlty older than you, so it could be an age thing.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah - I can understand that. But if he doesn't want to meet up til later, what does he expect? I'm not going to sit home on a Friday night til 10pm in anticipation of meeting a stranger at a bar.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Damn...he didn't even think you were worth a proper date and you still took the bait? And now you think you've got some kind of control because you changed the time by a half hour (which c'mon, that's a bit comical) and the place, and now you're pretending that your expectations are low and it's just whatever...what do you think this makes you look like to him? Now you're just trying to play it cool and act like you're just mirroring his interest...but then again he didn't show that much interest to begin with? now you're going to waste your friends time and yours as well and act like you're better than it. You're not better than that...or you wouldn't even be giving this time of the day and no you don't get any credit for modifying the location and time, pretending you're being light about it, because despite the actions and effort that is apparent he's willing to invest and what he is more than likely after (as if this is a big mystery anyway) you're lowering yourself to his level and playing by his rules, you're being what he wants you to be, you're merely showing him if he's hot enough or half entertaining then you'd just give him another chance. I hate to say it, but you're being an example to men of why they don't really have to put in any effort, you'll still go along with it if you're interested...so why should a guy try any harder? "So I guess to me it really doesn't seem like I'm going out of my way. He can show or not - guess at this point I don't really care lol." C'mon now, who do you think you're fooling?...the joke is on you, and If I was talking to this guy and he told me what he was up to I'd laugh at you. He's essentially giving you the end of the night for the "magic" to take place, how much more obvious can a guy be? you've got to take accountability for meeting up with this guy, this isn't making you look too smart to put it kindly. Edited November 9, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Actually I agree with everything you said Ninja. I don't have a lot of hope of anything coming out of this actually. I just decided to meet up with my girlfriend for a drink at around 8, and if he wants to pop by around 9:30 that's cool (I haven't heard back from him at all anyway lol). First meets from OLD I don't really consider "proper dates". It's just a chance to meet up and see if you click - and I consider the NEXT date proper. I told him where I'd be with my gf and if he wants to pop by, cool. But I'm not going to sit home til 10pm, drive over to his neighborhood at that hour and sit by myself in a crowded bar trying to pick him out as he walks through the front door. Awkward. For the record, he wanted me to meet him out in his neighborhood last weekend also (he was out watching football with friends). I had just come home from a tailgate/football game and declined despite his trying to talk me into it.
Imajerk17 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Actually I agree with everything you said Ninja. I don't have a lot of hope of anything coming out of this actually. I just decided to meet up with my girlfriend for a drink at around 8, and if he wants to pop by around 9:30 that's cool (I haven't heard back from him at all anyway lol). First meets from OLD I don't really consider "proper dates". It's just a chance to meet up and see if you click - and I consider the NEXT date proper. I told him where I'd be with my gf and if he wants to pop by, cool. But I'm not going to sit home til 10pm, drive over to his neighborhood at that hour and sit by myself in a crowded bar trying to pick him out as he walks through the front door. Awkward. For the record, he wanted me to meet him out in his neighborhood last weekend also (he was out watching football with friends). I had just come home from a tailgate/football game and declined despite his trying to talk me into it. This all sounds to me like a bunch of rationalizations. If this always happens to you, I would say that you need to take responsibility. YOU are the one who is treating the guys on Match how to treat you. Put your foot down!
dasein Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah - I can understand that. But if he doesn't want to meet up til later, what does he expect? I'm not going to sit home on a Friday night til 10pm in anticipation of meeting a stranger at a bar. You are mid 20s? right? Sorry if I have you confused with another poster. When I was your age, we didn't generally go out until after 10, but we didn't do much dating either as OLD hadn't revived dating generally quite yet. So, consider cutting some slack on these inevitable logistics things. Maybe mention, "BTW I'm not a big night owl" and if he's smart he will either adjust any future plans or move on due to lack of compatibility. In your shoes I'd put all this preliminary stuff out of your mind and just meet the guy and let that interaction guide you. 1
Imajerk17 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) This all sounds to me like a bunch of rationalizations. If this always happens to you, I would say that you need to take responsibility. YOU are the one who is treating the guys on Match how to treat you. Put your foot down! I realize that this sounded a bit harsher than I intended. You seem like a smart level-headed girl. But this is the kind of thinking that has gotten more than one of my female friends into situations they'd rather not get into. One of them is now engaged to a great guy, but that was because she insisted on one who made plans like a gentleman. If the first meet goes well you can go to his place the next time. I hope it turns out well for you... Edited November 9, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
Author Drseussgrrl Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah I take the blame here, but honestly this dude has been kinda flakey even with emailing over the website. I have since taken my profile down. I feel like I couldn't really care less at this point if I meet him or not. I realize I've got a lot of issues when it comes to dating. I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for to be quite honest. I guess I'll just "know" when I meet him. What typically ends up happening with me is I'll date a guy for a few weeks and then call things off. Sometimes I think I've got commitment issues, other times I just think I haven't met a guy who interests me enough to get into a relationship with. So, thinking about this guy, I am just assuming like he's like all the other guys I meet/date and I won't be interested, so I'm not taking this meet-up very seriously. Trust me, I know this sounds incredibly callous and cocky but it's just kind of where I'm at right now.
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