My MM ended things over the phone, should I make him tell me in person?

[morgana]

So I’m struggling with something this morning and am curious on some your advice on what I’d like to do. (for those of you who have read parts of my story elsewhere, I apologize) My MM ended things with me this week so he can give his marriage one more try. I’m not entirely sure that it’s going to work and I know there’s a good possibility that it won’t and that we may still have a chance when it’s over. He’s 100s of miles away and this news was given to me over the phone because he felt he had no other option other than to wait until I’m in his area on business about 2 months from now. I still am very much in love with him and desperately want him back in my life. But I’m also really hurt, since he had always told me that he and his wife had both agreed years ago that their marriage was over when their youngest left. He once compared the possibility of reconciliation to trying to move the Empire State Building --- someone could come up with a plan but it would hardly be worth the effort. Initially a divorce was her decision, not his and he’s tried to save his marriage for years and finally gave up a year or so ago. His son left this summer. I had mentioned in other postings that he went off to college. The wrinkle in their situation is that he’s taking a year before going to college to attend a prep school and depending on how things go there he’ll get into the college he wants. So he’s gone and out of the house but changed the situation for them. So I understand why he and his wife initially decided this spring to put off their divorce for a year, no need in adding additional stress to this kid’s life. So I think it’s entirely possible that his wife agreed to “trying” for one more year just so they can coexist alone in the house without killing each other. But I’m not stupid, I know there’s a possibility that during this year of them trying to be nice to each other (they haven’t been for years) that maybe they will fall in love again.

So to get to the point. I know the bar where he works / hangs out on the weekends. I’d love to just show up. Part would be to see the look of panic on his face when I walk in the door, part to remind him what I look like (since I know he’s incredibly attracted to me physically), part to let him see the pain on my face when I ask him to tell me that it’s over to my face, and part (as terrible as this sounds) is to “flirt” with some of the men there and mess with his head a little. OK I know that sounds adolescent but I’m hurt and yes there’s a part of me that wants to hurt him back somehow. He says he still is very much in love with me and misses me terribly and I do believe him when he says that. So I don’t know if I’m looking for support in confronting him about everything or for y’all to talk me out of it. Guess I’m just curious on any reactions or if any of you have confronted your MM face to face when given the news initially via the phone. No, I’m not looking to make a scene and not looking to show up to try to destroy his marriage (his wife doesn’t go with him, or at least to date, never has). And since she knows about me already it wouldn't be to tell her.

Thoughts?

[sportsloving]

This is just my opinion so take what you will

 

If you honestly care about the guy, respect his wishes. He has said that he wanted to give another try to his marriage, he took the vow to be with her. Even if all the other attempts have failed, he has for whatever reason decided to try it again. Whatever the outcome, at least he will know he gave it a shot.

 

Perhaps it won't work, perhaps it will. But he is asking that you let him go so he can figure it out for himself.

 

And of course that means you get hurt in the process, but you had to know that was a possibilty when you got involved with a married man. Getting revenge, trying to shock him, confronting him ... it won't help you. It very well may stress to him though that he needs to severe all forms of contact with you.

 

I know it is hard to have your heart broken and see the one you love be with someone else. But you have to let him figure out for himself what it is he wants to do with his life.

 

Good luck to you. I know it would be easier to do the things you have described, but don't do it.

[Pocky]

So because he didn't pick you, you want to torture him and make him pay a little for his choice? Since you weren't the person he decided to be with you want to get a little revenge on him for picking his wife? Maybe he's doing what he thinks is the best decision but instead of acting like an adult, that knowingly stayed in a relationship with a man that was married, you want to act like a child.

 

It amazes me how quickly people want to hurt the people they claim to love. It amazes me how because he didn't do what you wanted him to do now he's suddenly a bad guy and you want to get a little revenge on him. For what? For making a decision and ending it? For doing what he thought may be right? For working on his marriage one more time?

 

Maybe he didn't want to see you in person because he does love and although this is what he decided to do his heart does belong to you. Maybe he didn't want to see you because he doesn't really give a **** about it and just wants the relationship over and won't really care if you show up acting like the scorned woman because he decided to stay with his wife.

 

If you love someone you don't try to get revenge on them. You don't try to hurt them or make them feel bad for what they've done. You just let them do what they need to do you and you accept their decision.

[morgana]

you may have missed the part where i said i know it's somewhat adolescent... that's why i'm struggling with it. what my heart and brain want to do are two very different things. if all i wanted to do was to hurt him and get revenge, i'd call his wife. yes, she already knows but i know i could really do some damage if i wanted to. and i don't. but yes, there's a part of me that wants him to see for himself the pain he's caused. i know he heard it in my voice over the phone but face it having to look at someone and hurt them is a whole lot more difficult.

and pocky...no i don't want to act like a child. ok in some ways sure we all sort of resort to that even as adults but as i said, my brain knows better but my heart is broken. and no, i don't think he's the "bad guy" as you put it. not at all. yes, i'd love to mess with his head a little, but i don't know that i could carry through on that part of what i'd like to do. i mean face it... how nervous would you be if you went to a place where the man you loved was? i'm a terribly good flirt but i don't know if i'd have the ability to relax enough to be able to carry it through or have the desire to at this point. and it's funny that i had a conversation with him about being the one not "picked" as you put it. and although i didn't completely understand his response he said he didn't pick his wife over me it was that he chose to try and make some sense out of his marriage and to as he said..... "deal with one relationship before he really seriously considers another." and sure, he should have thought about that before getting involved with me.

he knows i may just show up...and when i told him that, i didn't get the "don't you dare" reaction that i expected. and i haven't seen him in several months and sure there's probably a part of me that's hoping if he sees me it will remind him i'm here. it may be stupid but i feel like "out of sight out of mind" is a problem here. i know he has every right to try one more time to fix his marriage and yes, i give him points for trying. but at the same time... i'm hurt and i just want to see him.

[Mr Spock]

My own situation was a bit different. I could feel my MM veering away in his emails and interactions and it made me panicky, as I had fallen hard for him while he only liked me. Finally, I forced him to admit that he wanted to call things off. Via email. I was PISSED, and hurt, but relieved. Very relieved that this weight was off my chest. I still hadn't told him how I felt about him at that point, so I made him come over to my house in person. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and it still feels like it. I expressed how badly he had hurt me, and he was sorry but it also helped me see that he would never develop those feelings for me. I got him to the point of teary eyes, but who knows if those were real (stage actor)?

 

It was also confusing because he made signs that he was still attracted to me sexually. I stopped contact with him-HE emailed ME the next week, asking if it was still OK to email me. I pretty much nipped things in the bud by expressing my opinion of why should he get to be friends with me when I'm such a fantastic person and he's such a jerk? One more public contact of me asking WTF was the point of him contacting me and I haven't heard from him since

 

In your case, I'd suck it up and cut off contact. Letting him know you hurt won't change his mind (I know) looking attractive won't change his mind (I know). You want to know in your mind that he misses you. He does, but it won't change his mind.

 

The best thing you can do right now is stop emailing him. Stop calling, stop thinking. You think he's going to be in any hurry to go anywhere if he knows you're there to be reeled in like a big fish at any old time? No.

 

It's HARD and it HURTS but you need to keep the self esteem you have. He hasn't kept his promises, and you need to just forget about him for now. Not forever, but for now. Go out and get laid-try something new.

[morgana]

thanks spock...that was helpful and i know you're right. some things are definitely easier said than done! i guess for me, there's always the question that if it hadn't been long distance would things have turned out differently? would the fact that i was there and saw him more often have made him not want to try to deal with his marriage? when we started i got the impression that he had reconciled himself to the fact that it was over and he talked about a future with me, we were making plans for next year after they had started the divorce process. yes, they were somewhat tentative plans but i know how wonderful i made him feel, the whole way around. he said people he worked with were looking at him funny because he always was walking around with a goofy grin on his face. he said i was the most important thing in his life. he said a lot, all of which i believed and still do. i know that situations change things and i know that if he's going to leave his wife it has to be in spite of me not because of me. i guess i wouldn't want to be involved with him for good unless i knew in my heart that his decision was made without my interference. i know.... so saying all of that, why would i try to stay in touch and go to see him? because he's been the center part of my life for months and the person i turned to share hopes, dreams, problems and all of life's everyday happenings no matter how mundane, and he did the same. my connection to him was stronger than it ever was with my husband, even after 10 plus years of marriage. my MM knew more about me and cared to want to know more about me, guess i'd never experienced that before. so bottom line is i know what i'm supposed to do, or what i have to do, but i don't want to. much like the child who doesn't want to take the nasty medicine, even though in the long run it will help, i just want to be able to do something to make the "medicine" a little more palatable and i'm struggling to try to find someway to do that without hurting him or myself. and at the same time i'm hurt and have finally admitted to myself that yes, i'm angry although i haven't quite figured out who i'm angry with.

[Mr Spock]

Morgana, you also need to remember that if his marriage was that horrible he would have divorced her. What you enabled him to do was stay in the marriage-no matter how horrible it was for him he had you to turn to. Right?

 

 

Remember, relationships aren't constant. In my situation, my ex MM was having a terrible time in his marriage-he told our mutual friend he was leaving his wife, the marriage was over. Then we started to go full swing. He's got something (and someone) to do, over the months his wife and him gradually improve the sourness they experienced. He starts to feel guilty, I get cut off. So I get to hurt, while his family and perfect image (in their eyes) remains untarnished. It's a raw, ugly little deal. You're going to go through quite a few ups and downs.

 

One thing you DO have the power to do is hurt, and you need to exercise that carefully. OW ALWAYS want to hurt-the spouse of their MM, the MM-but it never plays out the way we imagine in our minds when we're crying and hugging the pillow.

 

My MM made it clear to me at the start that this was 'just for fun' but the correspondence and trips and attention and the length of it overpowered that in my mind-if yours has made promises of love it's even HARDER to get over.

 

The only way I could make myself feel better was to play the victim-even though I wasn't fully a "Victim"-but it allowed me to move on.

 

It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to do it. F*ck respecting his wishes to work on his marriage-you're not contacting him again because the dishonest prick doesn't realize what a good catch you are, and you just don't have ANY MORE TIME for that.

[morgana]

spock - as before, i know you're right on target about so many things. and i wish in so many ways i could just be an adult and say... "i just want him to be happy." do people ever really mean that when they're the one who's been hurt? yes, it's the "right" thing to say, it's the mature way to handle it, and some can say i'm behaving like a child for not saying it, or feeling it, but heck i'll admit it, i want him to be happy with me! so, for now and maybe forever, he's made it clear that being with me isn't his choice and i know i have to live with it and move on. i've never been good at playing the victim, didn't when i had cancer and have a hard time with it now so that's something new for me. don't get me wrong i definitely went through some conversations with him that touched on "how can you do this to me / us".

and yes, past relationship breakups with no talk of the future and no expressions of feelings were hard enough to deal with but this one has been a nightmare. perhaps it's because of his expressions of love and i'm not just talking about "i love you" i mean all that sentimental, romantic stuff that most women would kill for, and no, i don't think he was doing that just to "play" me. and even more so the look in his eyes when he's been with me. the words they say can be fake but what i saw in his eyes was not an act. perhaps it's because i'm over 40 and worry about the whole age thing (although most of the time that doesn't bother me, sometimes it's tough) or perhaps it's been hard because with all the surgery i've had for the cancer, i have a lot of scars. don't get me wrong i know i'm still attractive to most men, but he was so accepting of everything, and it's difficult for me to let someone see me that vulnerable. but he was so kind, so loving and so accepting, we shared nights that most women only dream of sharing with someone. and i know he felt the same way. over and over again he said he was just in awe or me and the connection that we had. it's hard for me to imagine being with anyone else again. so.... i'd (as you said before) love to just go out and get laid and move on but it's difficult because of my emotional ties to him (i'd feel like i was cheating on him...kind of ironic!) and because of my insecurities that lately have bubbled to the surface. he knows i want him in my life and i know instinctively that it would be a mistake to pursue him but i just don't know how to give him up without fighting. when his wife first found out he told me he couldn't be in contact and i needed to really not be as much. but everytime i called he'd tell me thanks for calling and how much he appreciated it and that it wasn't the he didn't want to be in touch as much it was that he couldn't. but this time he said i really need to let go, for now. and that his feelings for me have not changed that he's missed me so much for so long.....

thanks for being so supportive and honest!

[Leilao1]

I red your story and understand the way you feel. I don't blame you either. You are the one who is hurt too. It is too often that people take wives sides and they forget that the OWs have feelings too. My take is that if this man was in love with his wife and marriage was resonable good he would not have fallen in love with you. In my case when wife found out she attacked me via e-mail and he moved out. They ended up separated. We were long distance but intense when we get together and for almost two years. I thought we would end up together. After she found out she made it a living hell and I still offered to give it a try, me and him. He was not ready and I left, then he attacked me by phone, accused me of abusing his ex wife (her story to set me up) and asked me not to contact him again. It took a while, I tried to fix it. He was getting more and more angry, then I pushed him to tell me if they were getting back togehter, it seamed the only normal reason to his reactions. I got vaque answers, but realized that this eventualy may be the case so I stopped contacts. However, I have a back tracker and his wife is still reading my months and months old messages sent to him. Every time she does that it pulls me back, but she wan't stop. Even though I asked him to stop many times. He does not seam to care, but I have feelings to and I need to get my life back together and I don't feel comfortable having her read my messages. I know we ended, I do not want them to discuss me and my feelings. It is my life and my dignity too. What would you do?

[whichwayisup]

My take is that if this man was in love with his wife and marriage was resonable good he would not have fallen in love with you.

 

He wouldn't have allowed it to get that far. That is part of committment and honouring vows. People get crushes and develope feelings of attachment, it's HOW you handle it and what you do with it that counts. Who knows if he was feeling unhappy, neglected, not appreicated at home...Either way, HE allowed this OW into his life, open arms. Just like many MM in previous posts. It's when it gets too serious and then they realize it isn't as fun and no strings attached is when things change. Becomes just like another "relationship" instead of something easy going and fun on the side. Doesn't mean the MM cares less about OW, it just means it is TOO much for him to handle. That is more than likely why they end it or back off. Can't take the heat of the situation and 9/10 none are willing to walk away from their marriages and the only life they really know.

[Sami_D]

I'm not going to respond to the thread from 2004, just the post from Leilao1.

 

I'm not up on technology, so I don't know why she can read your old messages. What does that mean..? How long has your R with MM been over?

 

Apart from that, I would say that your whole post seemed to be about people not taking responsibility for their own actions. The wife blaming you for his infidelity, and then him blaming you for HIS having left his wife. Not that there's anything unusual in these stories. It's amazing how often it's someone else's fault (irony).

[Leilao1]

Thank you Sami. I figured it's very common except for the part that when we ended like friends because he was under so much stress and I did not think that he would ever call me again, he left message on my voice mail and accused me of "talking to his ex wife and emailing his friends". I was shocked and then I figured out that she must have come up with a "stalking" story to get his attention. We never had a real conversation after that, I do not feel that he believes me although I tried. She also tried to set me up at work when she tried, she is a high executive in her firm. That is why I invested in this software - it is a good tool - it tells you when you message is red and at what location (ISP). Well, it turns out that my messages are red over and over at her work ISP. It's happening since April 2005, we split up in July 2005. My last message to him was back in August and then I sent one in early October. That was the last. I contacted him at work about that and proved what I am saying is true and I feel uncomfortable - he ignored it at first and then got really mad at me and told me to stop. According to him all I am doing is messing up his relationship with his daugther (who is 1 year old). He got involved with me before he got married and I did not know that she was pregnant at that time. After we broke up first, two weeks later she found out and accused me of wrecking her marriage. Perhaps he told her. Perhaps it's much more then I know. I loved this man. His hapiness was important to me. I wanted to try but he knew that I would always respect his choice and I never asked him to leave his wife or not to work on his marriage. That is why it hurts. So, last time she reads it on November 21, why, it's old darn messages, ten and more times? Don't know what to do. Would it be better not to know, not sure, it could turn into stalking...I don't know this woman. I think she is only hurt, I don't know even if they are together now. I always think this is the last time, but at no avail.

[whichwayisup]

4th August 2004, 9:56 AM

 

I usually don;t reply to very old posts! Shame on me...If I'd known, checked the original date, I would have stopped myself! GRRRRR...

[izzybelle]

wow! i don't usually reply to old threads either, but i'll make an exception this time since that was me under a different name. exMM was uncomfortable with me posting, so i stopped then decided eventually that he had no business in trying to influence what i was doing.

 

what struck me about this is that when i read the original from over a year ago, i knew obviously that i had posted it, but it feels like a lifetime ago. i no longer even recognize the person who wrote that. i'm still in sporadic touch with him, although i no longer have any desire whatsoever to have him in my life as anything other than a friend. those feelings have gone... and i can't begin to describe how wonderful it feels to be able to say it, and mean it!

 

and i suppose my reason for posting in response to this is to encourage those of you currently going through this, in time, you too will look back on your words, the hurt, anger, whatever and realize that it was a lifetime ago. thoughts of him no longer bring me the pain i felt then, it's great, it's an incredible relief, and it's nice that it's behind me.