yelloc Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Hi Guys, I've been struggling with my wife lately but we or I'm working through it. Anyway I've got something on my mind that won't shift and I need some opinions if I'm mad or not. It all happened a couple of years ago, my wifes brother turned up after a divorce and he'd lived about 100 miles or so away. One friday I asked if she minded me going out with my Dad for a few beers. Anyway the next day I got up and went on my computer to find that she had set up a facebook page. ( I had told her in the past that she might do this because she would be able to get in touch with old friends. But she refused saying there was not point and she gave me a strong impression sh had no intention of doing this ever.) So anyway I had a look at her new page, she had added about 20 male friends and no females. Then her status read " He boys, I'm 5'8 blonde and tanned with a 7 year itch come and get me." So I confronted her about this and she said it was her brother having a laugh so I pointed out that this is in no way a joke. It was highly offensive to me. Anyway there was other little weird things that went on during this period until one night she went to her friends birthday party. At this time she really started taking notice of her appearance but wasn't interested in me. Then this night she went out, I woke about 8am and there was no sign of her so I called her phone about 10 times worried that something had happened. I jumped in my car and went driving round the clubs to make sure her body wasn't in an alley or something. The I phoned the hospital and asked if anyone with her name had turned up in the night "Nope" so I called three of her friends, all of which had been out the night before with her. 2 of which sounded quite fresh and awake like they had only had a few drinks and gone home early, the other didn't answer her phone. So I drove to the girls house who hadn't answered her phone and knocked. Her dad answered and I told him that I was worried about my wife so her went up to his daughters room and came down and said "No, no sign!" So I came home and paced the house wondering what to do. Then my phone rang at 11:30am. It was her, she had slept at her friends house that I'd knocked at. So we came home, I wasn't convinced of her explanation so I thought I'd check out her facebook page for any clues. Sure enough a guy had added her and they had been sending each other these little hug apps which I deemed to be romantic. I noticed he had been sending her them and then she had been sending him them but sending my one also which made me suspect her feeling guilty. I found on the computer that she had searched for him and added him because his name was in the search bar, but later she denied this and said he had added her. Anyway later that evening I went on my computer to find her facebook profile logged in. Her new found friend was online and he said hi. So I started talking to him as if I was my wife. After a little while he stopped responding and then my wifes phone rang. She was answering really brief and talking under her breath a little. When she hung up I came down and said "Who was on the phone?" She said it was her friend so I said "Can you show me the last call on your call history?" She said she had deleted it, I asked why. She said she didn't know. So I threw my cards on the table and told her who I thought it was and she burst in tears screaming and shouting at me so I walked out and had a walk to clear my head. When I felt calm and returned home I said "Can you call your friend for me and prove to me that she had called you." My wife refused so I kept asking her to but she kept refusing until I said "Because you are lying." She burst out crying and started giving me a lot of abuse so I left. I stayed away for a few nights. What do you guys think of this, I can't get this out of my head but she is so adamant nothing happened but to me I think the only thing missing was catching her, hand in the cookie jar. Oh and a few days later this guy put a status up saying "I'm gutted, I've met a gorgeous girl but I can't be with her because of her circumstances."
Lucy1722 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Guy you already know the answer, your wife is having an affair on you. Sorry for being blunt but how much more proof do you need.
TopCat22 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 She is cheating on you. What kind of wife stays out all night and doesn't let their husband know where they are? I'm sorry to say that this is pretty clear cut. If you want to fix this then see if she is willing to go to marital councelling with you. I guess your first problem though is getting her to admit the way she is feeling. Sorry you're going through this.
theLWord Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah, it sounds like an affair to me too. You already caught her, and you probably won't be able to trust her now. That's gonna take a lot of work on both sides if you want it to work. I'd say she has to admit to it first though.
Author yelloc Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Guy you already know the answer, your wife is having an affair on you. Sorry for being blunt but how much more proof do you need. Don't be sorry I posted this to get honest opinions and you gave one. Thank you! I'm not upset, I've already got over this except for that little niggling doubt in the back of my head saying to me 'you know she cheated. Don't believe her.' I remember at the same time her Brother playing mind games with me saying we should go out a pick up some women. I pointed out that I was married, to HIS SISTER. To which he laughed and said he'd forgot (ye right!) I just think she was manipulated by him but I don't care, she still did what she did while I never fell for it. The girl that she was with that night usually sits up late drinking alone on facebook. She isn't too clever and I was thinking that this would be the only way at me finding out the truth from her as I don't think my wife will ever admit it now. Do you think it would be fair to ask her on facebook a question as if I know the truth and see what she replies? Or is this the wrong way to treat someone, the way I see it if she knew something and didn't tell me she has no respect for me anyway.
TopCat22 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 You don't need to play games. Tell your wife that whether she is cheating on you are not she is behaving inappropriately and that you will not be treated in this manner. She either wants to work on the relationship or she doesn't. Don't engage with her behaviour.
Author yelloc Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 You don't need to play games. Tell your wife that whether she is cheating on you are not she is behaving inappropriately and that you will not be treated in this manner. She either wants to work on the relationship or she doesn't. Don't engage with her behaviour. I don't want to play games, that not my intention. I understand what you are saying. The reason I asked is because I feel I'm trapped in this limbo, I don't believe what she is adamant is true, actually she has never told me what she did do, just that what I believed true isn't. Which has put me in the position of feeling that I need to know what is true. She always says that she wants to work on our marriage but never shows any sign of it. We had an argument lately and she accused me of not putting any effort in. I pointed out a lot of times where I have done things for her and things I've said to make her feel special then I asked her to tell me what she had done along them lines for me and she shouted " Why should I, I can't stand you!" You know writing all this makes me feel like a mug. All the signs are there, I just didn't put a picture together...
TopCat22 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 It doesn't matter what she says, judge her by her actions. Why do you think she isn't making an effort? She's already checked out and is looking around for who to move on to before she walks for good. You said yourself it's all there to see. You're stuck in limbo because you are allowing yourself to be. Want to break out of that? Then it's up to you. Take action. Kick her out, or move out yourself. At some point both of you need to confront this and it would be best if you could go to marriage guidance, however it sounds like she's already gone...
Author yelloc Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 You know I totally agree. I just felt I need peoples opinions on it, She is in work until this evening so when she returns home I'll sit her down and talk about it. To be honest I kid myself that I want to be here when deep down I know I hate it. As you say it's time to make the change, there is no point in letting it continue. Even if we went to marriage counseling I know it would go full circle and we would end up back at square one. Time for a change... High five Topcat, you've really helped me out.
TopCat22 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Hope it works out for you. It's a tough thing to go through but for your own sanity you need to do something. Good luck tonight!
seibert253 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Pretty simple conversation: "I know what happened, you can come clean or pack your things and get out." Nothing else need be said.
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