Story of my life.

[maysj18]

So, I'm 21 and in college. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is my first serious, long-term relationship. He makes me laugh, is incredibly sexy, and overall wonderful to me. Well, tonight I had a house party. All my friends from school came, but parties aren't really my boyfriend's cup of tea so he stayed home. Well, a guy named C came over with a group of people and he is THE HOTTEST man I have ever laid eyes on. Hands down. We chatted and he's very nice, but I tried to keep my distance becauseit didn't seem right considering how attractive I found him. Well I gave him and all my other friends a ride home, but little did I know he lived on the other side of campus and that meant I would have to take him back alone. I was preparing myself for whatever drunken advances he would make and sure enough he tried his hardest. It was so tempting, but I basically had to beg him to get out of my car lol. I love my boyfriend like crazy and the thought of hurting him kills me. I know I didn't cheat and said no until I was blue in the face, but why was I so tempted? Am I a bad girlfriend? Is this normal? This is the first relationship I've ever had and my emotions confuse me. There's no doubt I'm in love, but at the same time does that mean I wouldn't find other people THIS attractive? Please give me some insight

[MrCastle]

Can I just ask something. Why have a boyfriend?

 

I don't mean that as an insult. I mean if you were single, you could sample all the merchandise as opposed to window shopping because you're in a relationship.

 

You're in college, as am I. I feel like the people in relationships are truly missing out. What is it about relationships that you'd prefer over being single?

[kaylan]

You arent that into your boyfriend. Break up so you dont hurt him. When Im really into someone, I dont get tempted the way you do. Im 100% committed and have no attractions or feelings to fight off.

 

You should just be single, because it seems like you want that freedom even though you like having a relationship. You cant do both. Either youre all in, or youre not. You dont seem all in at the moment.

[maysj18]

Can I just ask something. Why have a boyfriend?

 

I don't mean that as an insult. I mean if you were single, you could sample all the merchandise as opposed to window shopping because you're in a relationship.

 

You're in college, as am I. I feel like the people in relationships are truly missing out. What is it about relationships that you'd prefer over being single?

 

I've been single all through college, but when I found my boyfriend I knew that he was different. I'm graduating in a couple months, so I would rather have stability and a future to look forward to with someone than have a one night stand. Hooking up with C would have been mind blowing I'm sure, but one night with someone I hardly know doesn't compare to having someone who loves me to be with indefinitely.

[kaylan]

PS - And dont give me that "little did I know he lived on the other side of campus" stuff. Lets be real and say you were open to a sticky situation that night. If I was dating a girl I was really committed too, I wouldnt have even allowed being alone with him in the car to ever happen. I would have dropped him first, or not given anyone a ride with to begin with tbh.

 

Real talk.

[oSapphire]

It's normal. lol

 

You have nothing to fear, because everyone at some point does find others attractive, but it's the actions that people take that will be judged.

 

You're a good girlfriend and you definitely love your boyfriend with all your heart. What made you a good girlfriend that night is that you said no and refused to cheat despite the guy's looks, and his many advances toward you.

[maysj18]

PS - And dont give me that "little did I know he lived on the other side of campus" stuff. Lets be real and say you were open to a sticky situation that night. If I was dating a girl I was really committed too, I wouldnt have even allowed being alone with him in the car to ever happen. I would have dropped him first, or not given anyone a ride with to begin with tbh.

 

Real talk.

 

Number one, I'm not letting drunk friends walk a mile to campus in 20 degree weather. Secondly, when he didn't get out of the car, I asked what was up and they told me. They're from different countries, so they don't have cars. From the bottom of my heart, I had NO idea he didn't live with them. I genuinely thought I was taking them all to the same place. This is a forum where nobody knows me, why would I lie?

[Minka333]

You aren't bad.. you simply have eyes.

 

Eyes that can appreciate other attractive people. And you didn't respond to his advances at all. Even if you were tempted, the mere fact you acted against it means you held on to your values.

[MrCastle]

I've been single all through college, but when I found my boyfriend I knew that he was different. I'm graduating in a couple months, so I would rather have stability and a future to look forward to with someone than have a one night stand. Hooking up with C would have been mind blowing I'm sure, but one night with someone I hardly know doesn't compare to having someone who loves me to be with indefinitely.

 

You have your entire life to settle down. Why do it with the temptations of college? You're so young. I really think being in a LTR at this age makes no sense. I always feared that if I did that, and broke up with my SO I would say "damn; all that time wasted on one person when I could have been with others."

[kaylan]

Number one, I'm not letting drunk friends walk a mile to campus in 20 degree weather. Secondly, when he didn't get out of the car, I asked what was up and they told me. They're from different countries, so they don't have cars. From the bottom of my heart, I had NO idea he didn't live with them. I genuinely thought I was taking them all to the same place. This is a forum where nobody knows me, why would I lie?

Hot foreign guy...go figure =p

I've been single all through college, but when I found my boyfriend I knew that he was different. I'm graduating in a couple months, so I would rather have stability and a future to look forward to with someone than have a one night stand. Hooking up with C would have been mind blowing I'm sure, but one night with someone I hardly know doesn't compare to having someone who loves me to be with indefinitely.

And lemme touch on this. When I was with my ex...she was the hottest girl in my eyes. And to this day I havent had as intense passion and attraction as what we had. And most of that was do to our mental and emotional connection. So for me, when I love someone...Im not talking about how gorgeous another girl is and how awesome the sex would be.

 

All Im saying is, at your age, this is kinda to be expected. But maybe Im just different from everyone else. However, the way you talk about C makes it sound to me like you are susceptible to strong crushes, be they physical or emotional. And Id worry about a girl thinking these things, and worry about my own self thinking such things.

 

But like I said, maybe Im just different. For me, when Im in love with a girl...like truly deeply in love. My crush switch shuts off. Sure I may be able to notice other attractive women, and sure I may be attracted to other women....but I wouldnt be tempted at all...and I definitely would gush over how hot they are or how steamy I think the sex would be.

 

But you did good keeping that guy at bar. And hes a douche bag if he knew you had a bf. And tbh, Id want to know if some jerk on campus was making a play for my woman.

[maysj18]

You have your entire life to settle down. Why do it with the temptations of college? You're so young. I really think being in a LTR at this age makes no sense. I always feared that if I did that, and broke up with my SO I would say "damn; all that time wasted on one person when I could have been with others."

 

But that's not me.

I used to like to have my options open, but all it takes is one person to change things for you. I am young, but not that young. I'm starting my career in a little under 6 months, he's finishing up nursing school and also runs a business with his dad. We both are in very similar places in our lives and you can't be young and reckless forever. I don't want to get married or anything, but I don't want to run around, having one night stands until I, hopefully, find someone who treats me half as good as he does.

[kaylan]

You have your entire life to settle down. Why do it with the temptations of college? You're so young. I really think being in a LTR at this age makes no sense. I always feared that if I did that, and broke up with my SO I would say "damn; all that time wasted on one person when I could have been with others."

It depends on the person. Some people need to date around and others dont. The two times Ive been in love at ages 18 and 22, I would have been fine with those girls being who I ended up with for a long time.

 

I wouldnt have had regrets because I was legit committed. The only reason Im in party single guy mode is because of the bad endings to those two stories. It simply changed my development. And its possible I meet a girl who changes me from the current dating around path Ive been on.

[Leigh 87]

That's a hard one...

 

I know my boyfriend really adores me too; but he also likes young, fit, tanned, and hot chicks!

.........to look at. He really likes how hot girls look! He will not oggle them inappropriately, but really likes the way very attractive girls make him feel (to look at them!)

 

...Now, if he was along with a very very attractive chick.. WAIT..

 

You see, he would not put himself in that predicament.

The thought of losing each other scares us immensely, so neither of us would get drunk and spend ANY alone time with people who we are SERIOUSLY attracted to.

 

It is not that we would consider cheating, but why tease yourself? Why put yourself next to a person who you are SUPEr attracted to, when you can look but not touch? Ouch, what a tease!

[MrCastle]

And hes a douche bag if he knew you had a bf. And tbh, Id want to know if some jerk on campus was making a play for my woman.

 

I don't know man. I used to be right there with you on this particular issue, but after several frustrating experiences (all the hottest girls I know in school having serious boyfriends) I don't know. Things are looking bleak. I'm often tempted to do a sneak and steal. The only thing keeping me from doing it is karma. No way I steal a guy's girl and don't get mine later on down the road.

 

That's probably why I'm always on here promoting the single life. Relationships are corny, people should be out banging each other. **** this bf/gf ****.

[Leigh 87]

Another thing.

 

About being TEMPTED.

 

I have talked to my boyfriend about his, and this is our train of thought:

 

" not remotely tempted to DO anything, does not cross mind, but man are they hot, maybe I will think of them naked for a second"

[kaylan]

I don't know man. I used to be right there with you on this particular issue, but after several frustrating experiences (all the hottest girls I know in school having serious boyfriends) I don't know. Things are looking bleak. I'm often tempted to do a sneak and steal. The only thing keeping me from doing it is karma. No way I steak a guy's girl and don't get mine later on down the road.

 

That's probably why I'm always on here promoting the single life. Relationships are corny, people should be out banging each other. **** this bf/gf ****.

Singledom and relationships both have their place.

 

Ill say this though, having been cheated on by my first love at only 18 years of age always put it in my head never to hurt someone like that. So ill never cheat or help a girl cheat on her guy. Why would I put someone through such pain.

 

Plus its just selfish and bad karma. Be the better person. Be the person who respects relationships, especially if you ever expect anyone to respect yours in the future.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry - I meant that is what my boyfriend thinks when he is next to a girl he is attracted to.

 

I am just worried how you said you were tempted.

 

I would not be with my partner if he was tempted; I need the drive to be with me to be so strong, that it overrides even being tempted.

 

Are you sure you used the word tempted wrongly? Perhaps you just thought " wow he would have been so hot if I were single?"

[MrCastle]

Singledom and relationships both have their place.

 

Ill say this though, having been cheated on by my first love at only 18 years of age always put it in my head never to hurt someone like that. So ill never cheat or help a girl cheat on her guy. Why would I put someone through such pain.

 

Plus its just selfish and bad karma. Be the better person. Be the person who respects relationships, especially if you ever expect anyone to respect yours in the future.

 

Yeah. I've had several opportunities to steal a girl from her guy and turned it down everytime. Sometimes I wish I had no conscience.

[Leigh 87]

Either way, the OP did nothing wrong.

 

I have been in that position, the only difference was I was not remotely tempted.

 

The guy was a backpacker and tried to touch and kiss me (out of now here, I did NOT initiate or appear open to his advances).

 

I hope he was not as forceful as the dude was with me... It is not nice to go through.

[todreaminblue]

So, I'm 21 and in college. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is my first serious, long-term relationship. He makes me laugh, is incredibly sexy, and overall wonderful to me. Well, tonight I had a house party. All my friends from school came, but parties aren't really my boyfriend's cup of tea so he stayed home. Well, a guy named C came over with a group of people and he is THE HOTTEST man I have ever laid eyes on. Hands down. We chatted and he's very nice, but I tried to keep my distance becauseit didn't seem right considering how attractive I found him. Well I gave him and all my other friends a ride home, but little did I know he lived on the other side of campus and that meant I would have to take him back alone. I was preparing myself for whatever drunken advances he would make and sure enough he tried his hardest. It was so tempting, but I basically had to beg him to get out of my car lol. I love my boyfriend like crazy and the thought of hurting him kills me. I know I didn't cheat and said no until I was blue in the face, but why was I so tempted? Am I a bad girlfriend? Is this normal? This is the first relationship I've ever had and my emotions confuse me. There's no doubt I'm in love, but at the same time does that mean I wouldn't find other people THIS attractive? Please give me some insight

 

 

I think if you find somebody really attractive and you know he is drunk you dont drive him home (and from my read on what you posted you just met the guy that night)you said he was hot you chatted and he was really nice, you didn't know he lived on the other side of campus so he wasn't your friend...he was a random hot guy who you were preparing to get drunken advances from ....so i don't consider that nice for starters ....next time if you find yourself having to drive home a random hot guy ( i have to ask why you consider it your responsibility) you might want to drop him off first while your real friends are in the car with you dont leave yourself open to a situation where you could get advances from a drunk.......whether he was hot or not it could have been worse you dont know the guy or what might happen he already proved he wasnt really nice.....next time if you want to be considerate to a random....call him a cab and as far as finding other men attractive.......and being tempted.....think of your boyfriend and how wonderful he is with you and the fact he isnt at a party scabbing a lift because he is too drunk to get home by himself....unattractive for a man ..........that should help.......deb

[Ninjainpajamas]

My attraction doesn't come much from physical as much as it comes from "connecting" with someone. If I run into someone who is very physically attractive to me it's still not enough to push me over that edge, it's when I feel a lot of connectivity, chemistry and that very subtle yet prominent attraction that isn't just something that my eyes can do, but something I can feel.

 

Therefore...you being really attracted to this guy because he's the hottest guy you've ever seen or whatever is normal, however personally If I were you I would have avoided that situation as much as possible...and If I were in your situation I would have either asked a friend to come along for the ride or asked before hand where I was dropping everyone off.

 

With that being said, you don't seem very head over heels in love with your boyfriend from this post, even though If memory serves correct you're always telling everyone how amazing and awesome he is, which I guess it could be true to some extent but to be honest every time I hear someone do that whole bit I kind of roll my eyes at it and just wait...because sure enough the perfect little fantasy falls on it's face with some "dramatic" event and If you slept with this guy or even kissed him it would be exactly what I would have expected you to do. It doesn't matter how "perfect" your relationship is if the emotions are not present, in fact it's much easier to control something and have a nice little relationship where the emotions and passions aren't high.

 

It seems like you're more invested in your BF because you keep telling yourself how great he is and treats you, but the guy is not even around while you're going out to these parties on campus while you're around all these other men...now yes, a guy shouldn't have to keep you on lockdown or anything but a man does have to make an appearance sometime or another to let the other rats and their rat claws (other guys) to be kept to in check, especially as a guy you know how other guys are, they're going to test and push the limits...why? because a lot of women fold, especially if the guy isn't apart of her social life and is at home not wanting to socialize.

 

I mean you're 21, going out to parties /and or having them, other guys are in the picture, people are drinking...it doesn't take a psychic to figure out something is going to happen eventually or you'll be tempted or someone will make some strong advances on you...so if your BF is an introvert and such a nice/great guy sitting at home doing nothing you might just one day hold that against him for not caring enough to be around if somehow you get caught in an "unexpected situation" again especially if you're alone and had much to drink...so realize you are playing with fire here.

 

So bottom line...IMO you are not in-love with your boyfriend, you just think he's a great catch and you exacerbate his qualities and why you should stay with him because of how he treats you and the future you see together. But If you were in love with this guy then you'd be a bit crazy and you wouldn't have all this rational mind and control of your relationship, I don't think you really know what being in-love is, but you're only 21, still learning and experiencing the world and still figuring love out, and you're still vested in these idealistic/realistic simplicities that you think of as "how life should be"...not that you are naive or unwitting, you just only have so much experience and knowledge to go by.

 

I think once you are in love at some point in your life then you'll see the big difference and how smudged all these things that come together are, but I'm not going to get into that as this is something people have or have not had experience in and if they do not it sounds a bit made-up and even ridiculous, like I'm speaking some crazy nonsensical language, because it kinda is.

 

I feel (although I don't remember you and all of your posts, just vaguely) that you jumped into this because you really wanted a relationship and to feel loved/desired and all that young women really strive for especially in their youth, that acceptance, to be cherished and made to feel...special.

 

But in the end I think you'll probably do a disservice to yourself because relationships go by fast, and when they end you look back it seems like a brief memory even though it lasted so long, it's normal to look back thinking why you chose it or did it, hoping you got some benefit out of it because it can end as quickly as it began...or at least it feels that.

 

I personally think you should enjoy your life being single, bang a few foreign guys if that's what you think you want, learn the different between love and being in love, what you like and don't like, who you are good with and who you are not, and most importantly what kind of guy is truly the most compatible for you...not because you thought you knew exactly what you wanted...because often times the type of person you thought you wanted, isn't who you really should be or really you...and that's part of growing up, who is really you? who you are without all the rules and regulations/expectations you impose on yourself? what do you really want and need? this is all apart of learning from your mistakes and experiencing different things in life...when you tie yourself down to a relationship you limit your experiences. I'm not saying to sleep around or party like crazy if that's not you, but you shouldn't feel chastised for conflicting feelings if it's something you feel you wish you would have done or tried and yet the only thing you can tell yourself is "well it was for the best anyway, that wouldn't have been worth it" as many people say about things they kind of sort of regret, but instead knowing that inside you really never wanted that or desired that to begin with, you may have known what was there but you're perfectly and easily able to let it go, because you know yourself and what you really want..those two things sound similar but they come from a completely different place internally.

 

You're an attractive girl, you're going to have a lot of men interested in you and you're only going to be young once...maybe you should spend this time living your life for yourself and experiencing all the things you want to experience, rather than just shacking it up with some guy (albeit pretty good guy) that may not particular enjoy the same things as you, and may not even in the end be the one for you.

 

I know "love" is such a big deal to people, especially in youth acting like you've got the hour glass ticking and it's the end of the world if you ever make it to ::gasp:: 25 years old without babies and being married or even 30's! on my! but in reality what do you think you know by 21 about love and relationships? you've been on the earth 21 years, conscience for how many? and now you're worried about these things down the road that you won't possibly be thinking or feeling the same way you are now by the time you are in your early 30's.

 

You're going to look back at 21 and say damn...that was stupid, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and thinking! Even if you are "mature" for your age, whatever the hell that really means to people...it still doesn't replace experience and knowledge and come close to the maturity that YOU will experience at a later age, nobody is at age 31 at 21, because it doesn't matter how mature you think you are you're still completely stupid compared to yourself 10 years from now!

 

All I'm saying is that I understand and realize that you want to be in a relationship, but don't set the bar too high because chances are, your first swing at the long-term relationship ball park, is probably not going to be the best one. There's still a lot to learn about yourself, which is far more important than learning about anyone else. So be careful about what you think you're really sacrificing for, it can all end abruptly and :: poof:: its gone, almost like it never happened.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[MrCastle]

^^^This. This. And more this.

[maysj18]

I want to clear some things up and explain how my school works to clarify why I drove them home.

 

There are maybe 2000 people at my school. Of those 2000, a huge percentage are from foreign countries and they sort of flock together. They are some of the greatest, most fun people in the world! So, I call up my close foreign girlfriends, tell them about the party and ask them how many want to come over so I can come pick them up. The reason I pick them up is I also live up north, therefore the weather is frigid and it's a mile walk to my house. I don't live anywhere near a city that has taxis or buses, so public transportation isn't possible. When the party was over, I took them back. C came with them, so he left with them. Easy as that. I drive them over to international housing and drop them off, but then my friend leans in and tells me that C lives in the male housing that's right on my way back to my house. I wasn't going to be like, oh well sorry, you're going to have to walk. He had made no advances whatsoever towards me and I wasn't drunk at all, so while I was weary, who was to say he was going to do anything? He was quiet until we got to his dorm, but I was still really nervous. Once we got there though, his demeanor changed. I told him how crazy I was about my boyfriend and that nothing was going to happen, and while he was so unbelievably gorgeous, I didn't feel the urge to be all over him. I was uncomfortable because I was so guarded, watching everything I said, asking him to leave, trying to push him away when he wanted to kiss me, etc.

 

I suppose I did use the word "tempted" incorrectly. I wasn't fighting the need to rip his clothes off, I was more just in awe of how beautiful he was. This is the best way to explain it: imagine your biggest Hollywood crush walked into your house during a party (my boyfriend's case would be Scarlett Johanson).

 

After waking up (it was 3 am roughly when all this happened and I was so sleepy), I have new perspective. I'm connected to my boyfriend on every possible level and as I mentioned before, I honestly would never throw anything I have with him away because of some random opportunity with an attractive guy.

 

It's hard to convey feelings and desires on a forum, but I really do know myself and know what I want. Like I've said, I've never dated before so it has nothing to do with neediness. If my boyfriend was the kind of person I could have lived without, he would not be in the picture. Knowing myself, which I don't expect you all to, I know how serious I am about him.

[kaylan]

Again....maybe Im different...but when Im in love...my gf has me awestruck...not strangers...no matter how objectively attractive I might be able to say they are. And Id never describe a girl, the way you described C, if I was in love with someone else. (especially a new relationship that should still be in honeymoon phase)

 

Lets face it though OP. This is your first relationship, and chances are you wont end up with this guy. You are only 21, and still growing and figuring out who you are and what you want in life. You are young...and this being your first real relationship just makes me think "eh...shell be back not much long in the future, telling us about a break up"

 

I agree with a good bulk on what Ninja said. I think you enjoy the idea of having someone and want that companionship. Im not sure just how invested you will be in this guy over the long run. Its not the situation in itself that gives me doubts about your relationship, but the way you described the situation.

Edited November 10, 2012 by kaylan

[raea]

I didn't feel you did anything wrong being attracted to another person. I think we're all human, and we acknowledge when another person is good looking. I do the same with males and females, even though I'm 100% heterosexual and would never cheat.

 

However, this?

 

I told him how crazy I was about my boyfriend and that nothing was going to happen, and while he was so unbelievably gorgeous, I didn't feel the urge to be all over him.

 

I think this is inappropriate... Perhaps it's just be, but I know it would hurt my boyfriend to think that I told another male "you're unbelievably gorgeous but i have a boyfriend so I can't do anything."

 

I've had an ex say that to another girl while with me, and it hurt. I would have MUCH rather him just say, "My girlfriend means the world to me, i love her, and your advances are inappropriate." He could have left out the attraction part... IN my mind, him saying that was keeping the door ever so slightly open. Kind of a, I think you're sexy and IF she weren't around, id go home with you so just keep an eye and see when she's gone.

 

I hope that wasn't the case for you, but still, it threw up a flag when I read that part.

 

I hope you learned, despite it all. If you do mean that you would rather be with him, and it's not worth it, don't put yourself in shady situations and I'd think twice about telling other people the above statement.