She really used me....but..

[T-Zero]

Sorry about the long post. There are just too many details I felt were relevant. Plus I ranted a bit haha.

 

A little over a year ago I met this girl at a local bar. It's a pretty relaxed bar with only 30 or so people in it, so it's not like I picked up some drunk girl at a club. Two days later on our first real date we ended up going back to my place to watch a movie we both loved and ended up having sex. She slept over the next 4 days in a row. After that we were pretty much inseparable. We called each other constantly and saw each other pretty much every day.

 

A couple months in I started noticing that I was going out of my way a lot for her while she never did for me. She had recently moved back in with her parents, had no car, and had no money while she took a few classes. So I ended up paying for a lot. I'd buy her small things, paid her cell phone bill a few times (mostly so I could talk to her), and let her borrow my car whenever she needed. It was a bit early for me to be doing all this for her, but I didn't mind.

 

Then some things I'm not so fine with started:

 

-On more than one occasion while out at a bar with her friends I would get the bill for my tab for the night and find that her friends had put their drinks on my tab. A lot of the time the people had already left, so I couldn't ask them to pay their share. I don't know if her friends had done it themselves or if my girlfriend had told the bartender (who knew we were together) to put them on "our" tab. I ended one night with a $200 tab to pay. This stopped for awhile after I talked to her about it, but it happened a few more times throughout the next 6 months.

 

-A couple nights she would be visibly upset and crying about her medical bills she couldn't pay. I knew she had had some medical issues awhile before I met her, but hadn't heard of her having any problems in the past 2-3 years. She never asked for any money, but she would cry on my shoulder and be extremely down for awhile. Every time I ended up giving her enough money to cover the minimum payment.

 

-The first big one...A little while later she told me that she had to go up to Chicago to have more medical tests and more done, but had no way to get up there. I offered to drive and go with her, but she said that the appointments were always during my work hours. So I let her borrow my car and she went up herself.

After a few trips over a month or so things started to seem off. I would ask her about it and although she did tell me why she was there, she had very little details about the whole thing. I would ask her where in Chicago it was and she would dodge the question.

My car is brand new, so one night while she was going up again I went online and tracked my car. I saw her start to go up to Chicago, but before she got there she completely went off course and went into Indiana. I never saw her stop for more than minute anywhere in Indiana, but she never actually went to Chicago.

I confronted her when she got back and at first she denied despite me having pretty hard evidence. Eventually she apologized, started crying, and admitted that she hadn't been going to Chicago. I asked her what she was really doing and she told me she just needed to get away....I didn't believe that but couldn't get her to admit anything other than that.

I'm a pretty forgiving person and although she lied, I couldn't prove she did anything other than just drive around. She lives with her parents and never has time alone, so I could see it. I forgave her and said I wouldn't bring it up or hold it against her.

 

-Over the next couple months I noticed that she would indirectly ask for things. She would randomly send me texts like "Man I really wish I had some Starbucks right now." or "I can't believe how hungry I am. Too bad I don't have any food here."

I'm not stupid and knew she was hoping I would offer to get whatever she wanted for her. Sometimes I ignored her, but most of the time I would get it. Buying my girlfriend lunch or some coffee wasn't a big deal, even though most of the time I would just drop it off with her and have to leave right away.

 

-The big one...She had been talking for awhile about this job in Las Vegas that she had a lead on and knew someone there who could probably get her the job. I hated it because it meant she would have to move away and I couldn't.

One day she told me that she pretty much had the job, but had to go out to Vegas for two weeks for training so she was ready to take over when the person she was replacing retired in two months. It was hard for me to believe that they would do training that early, but she was pretty convincing and even had an e-mail from the employer. However, she would always say it didn't matter because she couldn't afford to go out there for two weeks.

Again, I hated the thought of her moving away and me probably losing her, so I would usually half ignore her when she would talk about it. Sometimes I would even get upset and would tell her my problems with it. However, the job was very very good and she kept saying that although she really didn't want to move and possibly lose me, she couldn't pass up a great job when they are so hard to come by.

She tried to get the money for the trip herself, but wasn't able to. A couple times she would cry in my arms and said that the job was her only way to finally get ahead.

After going back and forth in my head I realized that I cared too much for her to just sit back and watch her dream job disappear just because she couldn't make the trip. So I paid for her entire trip.

....

She ended up staying there for over a month, which obviously pissed me off and made me extremely suspicious. When she finally got back I asked her about it and again she was short on the details. So I was extremely suspicious, but couldn't prove anything.

A couple weeks later I had a very revealing conversation with one of her good friends. She told me that my girlfriend had been hanging out with her EX-BOYFRIEND while in Vegas. Even showed me a text from her confirming it. I knew he lived there, but she had assured me that he was deployed over-seas.

I was furious and immediately called her and confronted her. She denied it completely and continued to deny it as she avoided my for the next couple days. When I finally did see her, I got her to admit that he was there, but said that she did not sleep or do anything with him and that she had only seen him one day. She had told me before that she was staying with a group of her friends who live in the same house, but I've never seen a picture, found a facebook page, or heard of any reference to these "friends". Plus the friend who had ratted her out told me that she thought my girlfriend was staying with her ex, but I could never get her to admit it. All she said was that she knew I would be mad if I knew her ex was there and be suspicious of why she was going out there and that is why she lied to me.

 

Since then we have been spending most of our time apart. Half broken up I would call it.I'm 99% sure the "job" she went out there for was fake. It's been 4 months since the trip and she still hasn't left and has said that she decided not to take it and instead stay here.

So it looks like I paid $1500 to send my girlfriend on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend.....absolutely amazing.

 

 

 

So I'm unsure of what to do. Obviously I know that most people would leave her and never look back, but I have only circumstantial evidence that she cheated on me. And although a lot of times I feel like she's just using me and doesn't give two ****s about me, she does hang out with me a lot when she's getting absolutely nothing financially. Before all this started, I'd say every other night we would spend 4-5 hours a night just cuddling and talking. Plus she would surprise me with small gifts or show up at my door half naked and drag me to the bedroom. I don't see why she would do that if she was only using me for financial reasons. I absolutely adore her when the possibility of her using me that night is not there, which is most of the time.

 

 

What do I do? We're almost broken up right now, but even if we do end it officially I still want and need some type of closure and answers. I want to know if she was just using me or if she also had real feelings for me. I feel like I really need to know that.

I also think about giving her another shot because I can understand how she could lie while also caring. I've lied and used friends or family before for favors or other things. I always felt really bad about it, but I did it anyway. They were mistakes, and in no way reflected how I felt about them.

 

 

 

Sorry for the extremely long post. It's hard to explain the minutia of an entire relationship. Which was kind of needed for context.

[SJC2008]

What do you do?? REALLY?!?!?!?!????

 

Dump her an work on yourself, learn to have self respect. I'm almost desperate for a woman but I wouldn't put up with that. She would if gotten a STERN warning after the first $200 tab and out the door the next one.What is so special about her that you put up with this? You picked her at a bar and had sex on your first date do I don't suspect that you have a problem getting women do why stay with her.

[espec10001]

Oh man.

 

Please do yourself a favor and move on and dump her. This girl doesn't respect you. You gotta watch out for the sharks out there. Male or female, when they smell blood, they kill.

 

The reason why it seems at times that she isn't using you is because she's cunning. Think of it like a business venture. She's taking in $1500 plus dinners plus whatever else and once in a while she'll buy you a little gift or give you some sex. It's these little gift times that she tricks you into thinking she isn't using you, but to this cunning chick she's using you. It's like an insurance scam in a way. You keep paying the monthly bill, but when disaster strikes, the insurance ain't what you thought it would be.

 

Mano e mano, or however you say it, cut off contact and find a woman who doesn't use men. Cut your losses.

[T-Zero]

I've been ignoring her for 3-4 days now, but it's getting hard to.

 

It'd be different if she was hanging out and talking with guys all the time, but I'm the only guy she really hangs out with. She's had boyfriends before and could get almost any guy she wanted, but she only talks to me. I've told her I'm not being used anymore, and she still only talks to me. I know this because her friends, sisters, parents, and her herself tell me this. If she was just into using guys for money and other stuff, why wouldn't she just go out and get another one?

 

Plus she's had a bit of a rough life. Parents divorced in her teens, mom died after a 5 year battle with ALS during which she cared for her at all times. The guy her mom married before being diagnosed was abusive to both her mom and her.

 

Things are a lot better for her now...but I dunno, I feel like she's just protecting herself somehow and that I could potentially break through....maybe that's just wishful thinking and the whole "Knight in Shining Armor" complex.

[weee111]

Dude...Splash some cold water in your face and pull the rip cord. Yes it sucks, but it's better than a long drawn out break up. Regardless of whether or not she has feelings for you, she's still walking all over you.

[Sabian]

Dude...Splash some cold water in your face and pull the rip cord. Yes it sucks, but it's better than a long drawn out break up. Regardless of whether or not she has feelings for you, she's still walking all over you.

 

And if she stopped? Forever untrustworthy?

 

Just last night she called me out of the blue and apologized for everything and admitted a lot to me. Is there anything she could do that would show that she is genuine?

[weee111]

And if she stopped? Forever untrustworthy?

 

Just last night she called me out of the blue and apologized for everything and admitted a lot to me. Is there anything she could do that would show that she is genuine?

 

It's going to take time to build the trust up...if you seriously want to go give it a chance you need to give her an ultimatum. Be completely honest and tell her exactly how you feel, why you've been avoiding her, and what needs to happen for you to remain in her life. If she does it again, you need to walk though. I'm all for second chances but she doesn't appear to be changing her behavior - in fact from the story posted it seems to be getting worse.

[T-Zero]

It's going to take time to build the trust up...if you seriously want to go give it a chance you need to give her an ultimatum. Be completely honest and tell her exactly how you feel, why you've been avoiding her, and what needs to happen for you to remain in her life. If she does it again, you need to walk though. I'm all for second chances but she doesn't appear to be changing her behavior - in fact from the story posted it seems to be getting worse.

 

I laid it all out to her last night and said that it's going to take awhile for me to trust her again, but if she was willing to, that I would at least try. I said we're not getting back together, but instead treating it like we're just casually dating for now.

 

 

And excuse me for posting under Sabian's name. He's my roomate and suggested I use this site for more advice.

[Imported]

I would drop-kick her like I was a punter on an NFL football team.

[LZ2000]

T-Zero,

 

I believe it is time to move on.

 

Don't worry, someone like you would find someone else worthwhile to spend your whole life with.

[GG3]

Oh God no please kick her to the curb.

 

She sounds like one of my girlfriend's exes. It took her 4 years to realize that this guy was never going to start paying his own way and was using her. This girl may feel some attachment to you and that's why you are torn confused. You really want to believe that she has at least some feelings for you. It doesn't matter! What matters is protecting yourself and not letting someone use you! Maybe she thinks being taken care of is love. She is using you and I doubt she is ever going to change. She basically took a vacation to vegas on your dime. Don't fall for this anymore.