Tulily Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Hi, I'm new here. I have a slightly long story but I'll sum it up for you. I just turned 24 on Halloween and am a recent college grad. I graduated in May and moved to Houston to be with my boyfriend of 4 years. We live together and I was very happy until recently. We're on the road to getting engaged. I started a great job as a PR/Marketing Associate for a mid-size technology company. I absolutely hate Houston and did not want to move here but was lucky enough to find an amazing job. I was instantly attracted to one of my coworkers. While we don't have a whole lot in common, I love (or though I did) my boyfriend and the stuff he is interested in he stopped being my 'ideal' guy. When I first met him in 2008 he was my ideal guy - he dressed well, was in great shape, very hygienic, respectful and considerate. Obviously, over the past 4 years we've grown comfortable with each other. However, he completely stopped being respectful (such as going to the bathroom in front of me and with the door always open, farting in front of me, coughing up bodily fluids in front of me without covering his mouth), not shaving, not getting haircuts, gained 40 lbs, wears lazy college kid clothes, doesn't know how to dress himself (clothes that fit extremely poorly and make him look unattractive), stopped being hygienic, etc.....He has now become the NOT ideal guy for me. I'm more intelligent than he is (this is clear to most people), he rarely understands the points I make when we talk (he completely misunderstands me and comprehends what I say very differently). But my co-worker is the ideal guy for me. He dresses the way I wish my boyfriend did, he is my intellectual equal, he understands what I talk about without detailed explanation of what I mean, he has the same sense of humor, he thinks the same things I do without us having to say anything to each other (such as when someone says something, he and I will look at each other and the exact same thought goes through both of our minds without need for words), he's much more mature and 'husband' material. But that's the catch: he's husband material because he is married! Ugh. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER pursue anything other than thinking in my own mind that this guy is the exact kind of guy I want to be with. I do not flirt, I keep physical distance, I don't divulge personal information. We're casual friends and coworkers and that is it. I've been cheated on so this would never go beyond a crush. I think he has a 'sort of' crush on me as well. He's told me private info, seems worried about my wellbeing and happiness, trusts me to be his confidante about things, looks, smiles and stares at me quite often and gives me compliments and notices my make-up and outfits. He thinks to include me on things, suggested going to lunch together at a vegetarian restaurant because I've been wanting to go to one, wondering where I'm sitting at a black tie gala we went to with 4 other coworkers, being alone with me and acting fine and the suddenly not able to be alone with me anymore. My dilemma is: if this guy is my ideal guy, should I break up with my boyfriend and find someone who is like my coworker? I moved all the way to Texas to be with him and left my family 1200 miles away in South Florida. I don't know anyone here except for coworkers. I don't make enough money to live by myself. By moving here and finding a job, I made a huge life decision for my boyfriend. I don't know if I should stay with him and hope this crush fades and that I eventually fall back in love with my boyfriend or if I should break up with him, move out and look for my ideal guy (which could cause enormous heartache). I'm just so lost. It's clear that I know what my ideal guy is and that my boyfriend isn't it. But I moved here for him and breaking up with him and striking out on my own would be a huge emotional mountain. My boyfriend doesn't get me the way my coworker does. I can't have the same kind of conversations with my boyfriend as I can with my coworker. I'm starting to think my boyfriend is definitely not husband material. I don't know if all my issues with my boyfriend are simply stemming from a crush on another guy and will go away in time or if they're real. Remember, I would NEVER be the other woman. I would NEVER flirt with him. I would NEVER cross the line. His wife is a lucky woman and they deserve to be happy together. Thank you for your advice..sorry if this is confusing.
tman666 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Have you talked to your BF about the issues you're having with him? It might be time for you to come clean and let him know that you miss the way he used to be. One thing is for sure: even if your co-worker wasn't married and you two had a relationship, the "cloud 9" stage wouldn't last forever. Eventually, you'd start noticing his faults and finding things that aren't quite as picture perfect as you thought in the beginning. He'd start farting in front of you, peeing with the bathroom door open, start dressing more casually, etc. over time. That's what guys do. The thrill and butterflies you're feeling now is temporary by nature. Do your best to put aside your feelings stemming from the crush to look at the situation logically. I think the first step is to have a heart to heart with your current boyfriend. Maybe he'll change. Perhaps he won't. Either way, you'll have learned something.
pcplod Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 The way that you describe your boyfriend, especially about him not being on the same intellectual level as you makes it sound to me that you are and always have been incompatible. The other details are something that you are now giving more prominence to in your thinking as a part of the reinforcement of your current, modified assessment and you are nearly there at a final conclusion because you see a potential, more appealing alternative (which might not actually work out). Irrespective of this other man, do you think you should continue in this alienable relationship? I suspect not.
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