Jat Boy Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Am a 28 y.o. govt. employ.. Am dating a 28 y.o. girl colleague for past 1 year.. I joined this job 2 years back while she has been here for more than 8 years.. There are many people in our office who say that she used to have sexual relations with the head of our current office 5-6 years back who retired before i joined the department.. He was married and more than her fathers age.. Now i don't know how to ask her.. Is there any way how i can find the truth or make her confess without making a mess of our relation if it turns out to be false..
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 More to the point, if it's fact are you dumping her? Polygraph is the only method to ensure the greater degree of validation. Do you place a high value on her affirmative response?
Author Jat Boy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 More to the point, if it's fact are you dumping her? Polygraph is the only method to ensure the greater degree of validation. Do you place a high value on her affirmative response? If it turns out to be true then i have no other choice because it was not an affair.. It was a boss-employ sexual relation for some favors or a type of exploitation..
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Interesting POV which I understand. In that scenario the culpability is generally attributed to the supervisory person. Have you considered her fear of job loss? Why she did not report him? Not judging your decision at all. Curious at what point in this relationship you came to the information [rumor]?
road Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 If it turns out to be true then i have no other choice because it was not an affair.. It was a boss-employ sexual relation for some favors or a type of exploitation.. You have a choice. It was an affair. Whether she had an affair to get ahead at the job or to just give head does not make any difference. Still cheating, affair, and on and on.
Author Jat Boy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 It wouldn't have mattered to me if she had done this with her boyfriend.. But the thing is that it was with an old man in his mid fifties and she was only 21 then.. And there is no fear of loss of job in govt. sector.. He was just the head of our office not our whole department..
mass millz Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 At this point in her life she likely is not proud of that...I would be more concerned about the people carrying on about her business! Let it go, she already went through the embarrassment of that relationship and would have to go through it all over again. We all have a past, leave it there...
stillafool Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Alot of people make bad decisions when they are um, 21. Why would you break up with her over something that happened before you met her?
Author Jat Boy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Can anybody of you marry a girl who have done something like this?? I wanna know the truth about it before thinking over again about our relation. But i can't ask her straight.. That's what am asking how to find out the truth?
mass millz Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 If you want the truth, you need to ask for it....But she is going to find out her name is being dragged through the workplace mud. The age difference is a bit creepy, but maybe he was a handsome/charming type of guy. I hope to still look half decent at that age myself. Girls are curious at that age and very naive. It's not like she ran through the whole office....talk to her about it and let it go, but she will likely tell your workforce buddies to GFTS come Monday and is going to be a crap storm in the office that you created.... If you really care about this girl and want the truth, the best way to go about it IMO is tell the guys to stop talking $h!t and grow up with the workplace drama...Tell her you stuck up for her and she might just open up to you about it. I hate the workplace undercurrent, every company has one and they love to make people miserable. They are just jealous they never had a chance with her
road Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Can anybody of you marry a girl who have done something like this?? I wanna know the truth about it before thinking over again about our relation. But i can't ask her straight.. That's what am asking how to find out the truth? Some can marry a girl that did this and some can not. You have to do what is right for you. You say you need the truth. I agree. So be direct and ask her in a calm manner.
Sporty Girl Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 It's none of your business what she did when she was not involved with you on a romantic level, what matters is what she does now as long as you are involved with her. Why would you date her if this bothers you. If she did it when she was with you I can understand, but are you afraid that she might do it again, and now? If you are then dump her and move on, and stay out of her past.
Cb3657 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 If she tells you the gods honest truth it sounds like you will be repulsed and report her, if she tells a lie, you will never trust her. I would examine why you want to know, you put the situation in a no win box. In this case the best thing may just to split up, no more drama you don't lose a collegue and it seems like both your options end here anyway.
Imported Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Why should it matter what she did in the past without knowing you? And even if she knew you, you still had your own life. Because she ****ed a guy that was married. Shows little respect for relationships.
Imported Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 No. It shows more that the guy cared little for relationships. Her? Who knows. She was younger and more likely to be naive. Just because you have sex with someone taken does not mean you don't think relationships are important. If that was the case MANY people would not be here today. Yes it does. And I thought it was a given that the guy doesn't give a **** about relationships either. However, that does not excuse her. 1
Imported Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Its not excusing her, its understanding her and understanding where she is coming from. A young girl is easily taken advantage by an older man. Unless she is really skilled with men she won't know until it happens. Sounds like an excuse. I think people should be accountable for their actions. Women (and men) that get drunk also do things that they "normally" wouldn't. However, that shouldn't excuse their choice to do those things. Unless she was raped, she has no excuse.
road Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Because she ****ed a guy that was married. Shows little respect for relationships. On an individual level: That was then and she may not be that way now but which way she is now can not be stated for certain. On a general level: History has proven that past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. To marry a known cheater vs a non cheater. I have read too many posts where the BS comes to a forum where their WS cheated on them before marriage only to cheat on them after they married the cheater. That shows giving a cheater a 2nd chance tends not to be worth it. 2
road Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Its not excusing her, its understanding her and understanding where she is coming from. A young girl is easily taken advantage by an older man. Unless she is really skilled with men she won't know until it happens. Sounds like an excuse. I think people should be accountable for their actions. Women (and men) that get drunk also do things that they "normally" wouldn't. However, that shouldn't excuse their choice to do those things. Unless she was raped, she has no excuse. No. I just think you are being callous. Sometimes people work in strange ways not their fault we are all human. Every girl knows by the time she graduates high school and is 18 that you should not date married men. 1
karnak Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 No. I just think you are being callous. Sometimes people work in strange ways not their fault we are all human. So... if a guy kidnaps your wife, rapes her, eats her and puts some of her body parts in a fridge, he should be forgiven, because we're humans and we make mistakes?
Imported Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) So... if a guy kidnaps your wife, rapes her, eats her and puts some of her body parts in a fridge, he should be forgiven, because we're humans and we make mistakes? That's a bit far, but how about: If someone drinks alcohol, feels and appears to be fine, instead of choosing to call a taxi or any number of other options, they gets in a car, drives, runs a red light and kills a pregnant lady crossing the street....they're just being human right? Bad choice and making bad choice is a part of being human right. Plenty of people have done it before with no problems. Not really their fault. Why, if that lady hadn't been crossing the right at that moment, it would have been fine. It was just circumstances. He should just get a $100 fine to teach him a lesson and be back on the road next week. And I especially like how she made the guy out to be bad, but the girl was just so innocent. Edited November 10, 2012 by Imported
MrVegas Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 This one seems trollish to me. But it has been exciting! "OMG you believe people who made mistakes should be forgiven?!?! You must love rapists! You must be excited for the dinosaur-riding nazi-rapists to come!!!" HAHAHA Look, from what this guy is saying, it seems to me that it is more looking for a way out. He got the girl, had the goods, now doesn't want a relationship with her, or wants one with someone else. Like another poster said, if she admits it, he will dump her for being trash, if she doesn't then he won't believe her and dump her for being lying trash. If you don't want to be with someone and are looking for a reason to dump them, then you found your reason, its called you don't want to be with them. Digging into someones past to find a reason to end it is the same maturity level as stomping your feet and pouting. 1
Author Jat Boy Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 This one seems trollish to me. But it has been exciting! "OMG you believe people who made mistakes should be forgiven?!?! You must love rapists! You must be excited for the dinosaur-riding nazi-rapists to come!!!" HAHAHA Look, from what this guy is saying, it seems to me that it is more looking for a way out. He got the girl, had the goods, now doesn't want a relationship with her, or wants one with someone else. Like another poster said, if she admits it, he will dump her for being trash, if she doesn't then he won't believe her and dump her for being lying trash. If you don't want to be with someone and are looking for a reason to dump them, then you found your reason, its called you don't want to be with them. Digging into someones past to find a reason to end it is the same maturity level as stomping your feet and pouting. It's not that i am looking for a reason to leave her.. I want to know the truth.. I can't take it when anybody talks about her like that.. She is the most beautiful girl in our office and every time a new boss comes he tries to take advantage of her. This **** is so pronounced in indian govt. sector where the head try to exploit their juniors.. She has been holding her gaurd against everyone.. But there is one person about whom people say that she was involved physically.. I won't leave her if it's just a rumour.. But we are going to stay in the same department for our life and if she was wrong then i would be at the receiving end of people's **** talks of about marrying such a girl..
MrVegas Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Look, we are in different situations, and likely in different parts of the world, joys of the internet and all. But for the most part, the simple truth is if you want to be with this girl, and you want her for who she is now, then tell people to pound sand with the rumours. Utilize the resources available to deal with those who would try to take advantage, and just stand up for what you want. What she did in the past does not change who she is right now, in fact it defines it. If it is in the past, let it stay there. It would be completely different if it was 2 days before you got together, more so if it was 2 days after you got together, but it isn't, and the man involved is gone. If you go down the path looking for something wrong with someone, you will find it. Thats not just a guarantee, thats like a george foreman grill/mens warehouse guarantee. All thats left is to decide, will she do it again, and is she worth being with if it is true? And there is no other way to get that answer other than asking her, and having trust. Because if you have to prove she lied, your relationship is in bigger trouble than that anyways. 1
road Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 (edited) It's not that i am looking for a reason to leave her.. I want to know the truth.. I can't take it when anybody talks about her like that.. She is the most beautiful girl in our office and every time a new boss comes he tries to take advantage of her. This **** is so pronounced in indian govt. sector where the head try to exploit their juniors.. She has been holding her gaurd against everyone.. But there is one person about whom people say that she was involved physically.. I won't leave her if it's just a rumour.. But we are going to stay in the same department for our life and if she was wrong then i would be at the receiving end of people's **** talks of about marrying such a girl.. So you are saying the girl you have to marry has to be a virgin because you are a virgin. Well if you are not a virgin then it is wrong for you to expect the girl you want to marry to have to be a virgin. You explored. She explored. Stop posting here. You need to ask. Ask her today. Get this matter settled. Then come back and tell us what you found out. Stop spinning your wheels. Edit to add: You deserve the truth. She needs to be truthful to you. And most important GF needs to know who is telling on her at work about her past. How many people are telling you about her past at work. Are they men, women, both. What is their motivation to tell you? Protect you? Get you to drop her so they can get a chance at her? Many people claim things in friendship but are not your friends. Edited November 11, 2012 by road
Imported Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 It takes two to tangle and past actions are not indicative of anything in the present or in the future. Also, only a fool would say don't look at someones past behavior to determine what they will be like in the future. dreamerisland, yes it does take two to tangle The married guy cheating on his wife and the girl cheating with the married guy on his wife are both cheaters and have low respect for relationships. No one is arguing that that married guy is also wrong. I don't understand how you can possibly think that past actions are not good signs for how a person will continue to behave. If a guy physically abused his wife, do you think it is outside reasoning that he will do it again? That his wife shouldn't go get outside help then and there, since his past actions have nothing to do with his future actions?
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