On relocating and closing the distance.

[ana0pera]

i know this subject comes up a lot, almost in every thread, but i don't think there's a thread devoted to it (or at least not recently, or one that i've seen).

 

for those of you who have discussed or finalized a plan of relocation/closing the distance, when did you start talking about it? was it obvious who should move in your situation? what was the biggest obstacle in making the plan? Anything you wish you could've done differently, or wish you had known beforehand? And how do you view closing the distance; when you finally do it, are you planning on moving in together, or dating like normal couples with no distance issues, or would there be wedding bells in the air?

 

and for those of you who have not discussed closing the distance, when do you plan on discussing it?

 

my bf and i discussed this once very briefly after we first met and became committed to one another. we want to close the distance in 2015 when i complete my studies (*fingers crossed*), but we haven't discussed any specifics yet. I am tempted to bring it up at our next meeting in a month.

[magnoliasoutherly]

Phew! A lot of questions

 

when did you start talking about it?

When we decided to be together on a permanent basis. It took a lot of time though. Let's see... We met in 2002. I don't remember when we decided to do this, but it took until 2007 to get the situation under control. I think probably most others could do it much sooner. He put in for a transfer to a closer state so I could see my family more often. The transfer took a good while because we had to wait for an opening in the area.

 

was it obvious who should move in your situation?

Yes. He was the biggest bread winner and since his job is a great one, it couldn't be negotiated. I'm a nurse, so I could get a job pretty much anywhere.

 

what was the biggest obstacle in making the plan?

Seemed like everything. New house, new job, new life but probably the biggest problem were my kids. I had to uproot them and move them out of state. There is much more to this issue in my circumstance, but it won't apply to most.

 

Anything you wish you could've done differently, or wish you had known beforehand?

No. Well I wish I had known how long it would take. We've been married now for over 5 years.

 

And how do you view closing the distance; when you finally do it, are you planning on moving in together, or dating like normal couples with no distance issues, or would there be wedding bells in the air?

Our plan was to move in together. He bought the house before I moved to the state. He is now my husband.

 

Problem is, he was transferred back to California, without our consent. Thanks be to this trashy economy, this house won't sell. I'm stuck here in a state where I have no family. So I'm back to square one, but we did get married and have a blissful 5 years.

 

We're not getting any younger. We haven't really decided how to handle this once we can sell the house. We're thinking of buying in a place he'll want to retire because he'll be retiring in about 15 years. In which case, it could be a long time before we can be permanently together again.

 

Problems, problems. That's rare though so hopefully it won't scare others.

 

He is the man of my dreams and it's all worth it.

[HeavenOrHell]

He started talking about moving after our second meet up, I said it was too early to talk about it, we'd only met online four months earlier.

I felt pressured into talking about it too soon, but he went on about it, he said he wanted to move over within two years of meeting and he explained his plan A, B, and C to me, while I was thinking it might not be possible, realistically.

 

 

He said he should be the one to move as he wasn't happy there an didn't have a life there.

 

By the time I was ready to talk about it he said we don't need to talk about it endlessly ie he'd got cold feet.

 

He did ask his boss a few months later if he could transfer and was told they couldn't afford to transfer him, but whether he'd have had the courage to move I don't know. He was very deflated after that, we've never really recovered from that.

 

Now feel I'm stuck in an LDR indefinitely, but love him too much to leave, but all I see ahead is loneliness.

 

What I'd have done differently is never got into an LDR in the first place.

 

 

i know this subject comes up a lot, almost in every thread, but i don't think there's a thread devoted to it (or at least not recently, or one that i've seen).

 

for those of you who have discussed or finalized a plan of relocation/closing the distance, when did you start talking about it? was it obvious who should move in your situation? what was the biggest obstacle in making the plan? Anything you wish you could've done differently, or wish you had known beforehand? And how do you view closing the distance; when you finally do it, are you planning on moving in together, or dating like normal couples with no distance issues, or would there be wedding bells in the air?

 

and for those of you who have not discussed closing the distance, when do you plan on discussing it?

 

my bf and i discussed this once very briefly after we first met and became committed to one another. we want to close the distance in 2015 when i complete my studies (*fingers crossed*), but we haven't discussed any specifics yet. I am tempted to bring it up at our next meeting in a month.

[amayana]

when did you start talking about it?

 

We have been dating for 8 months now (6 of them LD) and we started talking about it 4 or 5 months into our relationship. I think it's important to discuss it fairly early on to avoid any misunderstandings even if it seems like it's thinking too far ahead into the future. However in a situation like this it's probably necessary. I was honest with my BF and told him I needed to be able to look at the big picture every once in a while. I know it might not work out as planned but at least it's something we can look forward to every time we think it gets too hard and lonely. It's comforting to have a plan and know that this won't go on endlessly. We don't and can't do LD forever. We're both two bums with absolutely no money in our pockets an all the money we get, we spend on university and plane tickets to see each other!

 

was it obvious who should move in your situation? what was the biggest obstacle in making the plan? Anything you wish you could've done differently, or wish you had known beforehand? And how do you view closing the distance; when you finally do it, are you planning on moving in together, or dating like normal couples with no distance issues, or would there be wedding bells in the air?

 

It isn't obvious in our situation. We are both at university but will be graduating at the same time in 1 1/2 year. We are both ready to move for the other one. However, I'm in the UK and he is in the US so I have a massive visa issue there. For me it will be much harder to try and get into the US than him coming to Europe. It won't be easy for either of us obviously. We take marriage very seriously and we don't want to do it out of convenience but more when we feel we're both ready for an ideally life-long commitment. So at the moment there is the plan of him coming to Europe and trying to get a job here. We would want to move in together too. And if everything goes well until then we might just get married and be able to go live in the US, if we think that's better.

 

I wish you and everyone else here the best of luck! We can do it!!

[CherryT]

Good idea to start this thread... I've been in my relationship for about 4 months. We didn't know each other before we started dating and it was exclusive pretty much from day 1. When we had the "are we committed" talk, we did it over the phone. He said he wished we could've talked about it in person because he wanted to be with me when we had these kind of discussions. I get that... but it's hard when it's a month or so before you see each other. He always talks about the future with me in there like "I want to do this or that... maybe we can do that next year? or the year after that".

 

In my case it's pretty obvious who would move... me. My job is much easier to get and he is specialized. I'm OK with that... but I feel I need some sort of commitment. Also moving into a different country is difficult.

[ana0pera]

It isn't obvious in our situation. We are both at university but will be graduating at the same time in 1 1/2 year. We are both ready to move for the other one. However, I'm in the UK and he is in the US so I have a massive visa issue there.

 

Amayana, if it's any solace, I know FIVE girls who had almost the exact same situation as you, with the same distance (US-UK) and all of them have made it work. Seems like those pairings turn out pretty well so good luck! two of the girls are married, another two are engaged, and the fifthth just got a job in the UK after finishing her master's there. All but one of them used graduate school as a way of closing the distance and seeing if their relationships would work (three of them went to grad school in the UK, one in the US). too bad i am already in a graduate program in my country, because i would totally go that route!! (although i am not too pleased with the program, but that's another story)

 

good luck!

[PepperPotts]

I'm glad this has been brought up.

for those of you who have discussed or finalized a plan of relocation/closing the distance, when did you start talking about it?

 

Perhaps we're unusual, but we talked about it before we ever started the distance portion of our relationship. We dated in person until he graduated, and while we were deciding what to do when he left we decided what to do when I could leave too. The way we saw it, there was no point in dragging things out if we were never going to get to be together. And we wanted to have everything planned before he left so we could have as easy a relationship as possible.

 

While we were still just friends, we discussed his break-up from another LDR. In discussing that it came out that he wanted to stay where his home was, and I was willing to go about anywhere because I don't have a home town. He later said he would never have asked me out if we hadn't had that conversation-- there's no point putting yourself in a situation where you could be come irrevocably attached to someone you ultimately can't be with.

 

was it obvious who should move in your situation?

 

Yes. He has a home town, I don't. He wasn't willing to move, I am. We also have to be licensed in a state for our profession, and it's a big hick-hack. He was a year ahead of me in school, so he's now licensed and has a job. It didn't make sense for him to not go home to do that, and it would be too hard for him to move back to my state now.

 

what was the biggest obstacle in making the plan?

 

My family. They still aren't fantastic with the idea of me moving 1200 miles away. But it's not an obstacle so much as an annoyance-- Nothing could stop me from being with him, and I know that they think he's perfect for me. The distance is literally the only problem they have, and I was always willing to move for a job.

 

Anything you wish you could've done differently, or wish you had known beforehand?

 

I wish we'd hashed out our communication issues a little better in person before he left, but we've done a very good job of it while apart. I really wish I'd known how doable this is. I hate being apart from him, but at the same time it's not as terrifying as I thought it was in the months leading up to it. I'm busy, he's busy, and we're both committed to each other. We have rules and a plan, and we're more confident in each other and our relationship now than we were before he left. It wasn't the end of the world, it's a finite problem, and I wasted so much time with him by worrying!*

 

And how do you view closing the distance; when you finally do it, are you planning on moving in together, or dating like normal couples with no distance issues, or would there be wedding bells in the air?

 

We're planning to move in together. Originally we were going to date like normal couples, and the move-in question was a big discussion when it happened. Being apart has made us way more confident in our relationship and love-- distance magnifies everything. We've been able to polish away the rough spots and realize how much we mean to each other. I expect wedding bells later, but they're not years off.

 

*That being said, our plan is why it wasn't the end of the world. We had this conversation EARLY, and it prevented it from ever being a doubt/fight. I know another couple who just broke up over this issue. So go ahead and have that conversation, ana0pera. Even if you don't have a plan yet (2015 is a ways away!) you need to plan to have a plan. If you fundamentally disagree on where you want to end up, you're going nowhere. As much as it hurts, you need to know if that's the case sooner rather than later.

[amayana]

Amayana, if it's any solace, I know FIVE girls who had almost the exact same situation as you, with the same distance (US-UK) and all of them have made it work. Seems like those pairings turn out pretty well so good luck! two of the girls are married, another two are engaged, and the fifthth just got a job in the UK after finishing her master's there. All but one of them used graduate school as a way of closing the distance and seeing if their relationships would work (three of them went to grad school in the UK, one in the US). too bad i am already in a graduate program in my country, because i would totally go that route!! (although i am not too pleased with the program, but that's another story)

 

good luck!

 

It is comforting to hear that you know so many people who have been in that situation and have managed to make it work too!

My BF is considering coming here to do a Master's degree if it'll help him land a well-paid job. The tuition fees are definitely cheaper. I wouldn't mind going to grad school in the US but it's very expensive and as an international I wouldn't even be allowed to work off-campus. My BF would be better off here as he'd be allowed to work part-time during the academic year and even full-time during holidays. But ya, I'm optimistic that it will work out somehow. I just hope that if I can't move where he is, he won't get cold feet with the move, ha! Thanks a lot, though! Your post is very encouraging.

[FitChick]

I would only move long distance if I got a marriage proposal.